3 Yr Old Tries to Control Me and My Husband

He is not "trying to control you". You are LETTING him control you.

He's being a 3 year old. Crying sucks, but there is a difference between crying for a NEED and crying for a WANT. You are giving in to crying for what he WANTS, which is NOT good.

Let him cry. Explain to him why you are/are not doing things that upset him. For Example: Sorry sweety, mommy/daddy
- doesn't need to wear glasses now. I know you like them on, but I don't need them."(Let him cry - do not feel guilty).
- I know you like mommy's hair, but it's my hair and this is what I like to wear. (Let him cry - do not feel guilty).
- can't play with you right now; here's x. I'm here if you need me. (Let him cry - do not feel guilty).
- you're fine, sweety = mommy's going to the bathroom. I'll be done in a minute (Let him cry - do not feel guilty).

Put him in his highchair with his finger food and let him eat. Do whatever things you need to do in the kitchen. Model eating so that he sees how it's done. Talk to him about how it's done.

If he cries so much it looks like he can't breath and will pass out, don't panic. Kids do that - I did it, my son did it. Hold him like he's lying down, and he should breathe. If he passes out, he WILL breathe.

If his behaviors seem abnormal, have him assessed.

I have no suggestions. He's not trying to control you. He's 3, for crying out loud. His brain hasn't even developed yet, and I think it's very strange that you think that his normal 3 year old behavior is an attempt to "control" you.

He sounds like a normal kid to me. Like T.F. says, no one said parenting was easy.

Despite his protestations and frustration, he is not going to die. You can say no. It's okay. I know it's difficult to hear his cries, but if you always give in to his demands, you will have a far worse problem on your hands in a few years. Don't be afraid to stand your ground. You're the parents.

You handle it by teaching him that you and your husband are in charge, not him. The way you do this is by letting him cry it out. Do not give in. It will be difficult for the first few days or weeks, but stick it out. If you give in, this will continue and you will have a real tyrant on your hands.

If he nags about you wearing your glasses say "Mommy needs these. I can't see without them". Then go about your business. If he pitches a fit, leave the room. Without an audience present, he should stop crying fairly soon. Only return to the room to check on him, and ask him if he's ready to be done crying. If he's not, turn around and leave the room again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

The same system applies to every situation you listed. If you have to use the bathroom, tell him you're using the bathroom and go do it. If he cried, don't acknowledge it.

As for eating. Give him a plate, spoon, fork and sippy cup. Show him how to use the utensils. If he has a tantrum and throws his plate then you say "You must not be hungry right now. We'll try again later". Then an hour or so later, present it to him again and ask him to feed himself. When he's hungry enough, he'll eat.

Best wishes! Stay strong! You won't regret it.

You need to be stronger than your kid. You need to teach your kid to respect others. You need to say "NO" and "not now" and "you must wait" and "play with your toys".

So he cries. Let him cry. He does it now because it works. Ignore him when you are in the bathroom. Ignore him when you fix your hair. "This is how I am doing my hair today." Period. He'll get over it.

So he won't eat? He'll be hungry. Give him food he can reasonably feed himself and set it in front of him with utensils and ignore his please to be fed like an infant. If he doesn't eat, then put it away til the next meal or snack time (but don't let him graze all day on goldfish if he won't eat real food).

If normal discipline (try 1, 2, 3 Magic or Love and Logic) doesn't work, then ask the pediatrician if there might be more going on. But be fully prepared to hear that he needs discipline. Discipline is not the same as punishment. It is teaching a child socially acceptable skills and behavior. He needs to learn the world isn't all about him. Is he in any preschool or program where he needs to be away from you? It might be time to consider even doing things like going out to dinner and hiring a sitter so he learns to manage without you.

A three yr old cannot control you if you do not allow it.

ETA: I get being tired. My daughter is a fireball herself. But whenever I nip a tantrum in the bud or "can't hear" whining or any other disciplinary thing, I remember that I'm the parent and if I don't stop it when she's 3, or 5 or 7, it's going to be very tough on both of us when she's 16 or 17. If he CAN behave for others, then the difference is you, and you might want to talk to the teachers about what works in school.

The simple answer is teach your son his place.

He is not you. He doesn't get to decide what you do. You are going to have to let him cry, throw his tantrum (take him to his room, leave him there until he's done), or whatever he does until he learns he does not get to tell you what to do.

I'm a bit concerned with who you think is the boss. The word "allowed" is used in your post. "he won't allow me to"... Please, try to erase those words from your vocabulary. Change them to "he misbehaves when I tie my hair up"... this is misbehaving, pure and simple.

You will have to be very, very firm in changing your own behaviors. You say he's happy, but he's not. Three year olds given this much control over other people's bodies-- they become monsters very quickly and if not addressed now, this is only going to become worse and far more detrimental in his relationships as he gets older.

Preschool would be a good start. It normalizes the idea of rules. At preschool, no one is 'special' and there are the same rules for everyone. That's something every kid must learn. In fact, Vindhya, I'll tell you something many of us don't really believe, but here it is:

Our kids WANT us to be in charge. They get their way, but there are no boundaries, which can feel very out of control for a child. They aren't prepared to care for themselves and be in charge. Think about it, if you were working in an office and every time you went to work, your boss had no clear-cut rules about your work and won't even tell you WHAT you are supposed to be working ON. That would be a confusing and overwhelming experience even for an adult, yet that is exactly what's happening in your house.

Your kid is telling you what to do instead of receiving guidance and direction. Start now.

At meals, put his food down in front of him and eat your own. You are not to feed him, especially not before you eat. Let him sit at the table all afternoon. DO NOT FEED HIM LIKE A BABY.

When he complains about hair/glasses just say "well, this is what I need to do" and move on. If he cries, "It's too bad you are so sad about my hair. Come find me when you are done crying." and go about your business. We pay this no mind. Ignore the nagging or tell him "you may stop nagging or you may go play in your room. I'm all done listening to this." Be firm and march him to his room if need be.

Go do what you need to do. You need breaks, mom. If he can't deal with you checking your phone or laptop, then he needs to go play in his room.

Create a daily routine which he can rely on, and then go from there. It is not good for children to be played with constantly. My own son is an only child and although we parents sometimes feel a little bad that they have no siblings to play with, it is important for children to learn to amuse themselves. That is how they learn and develop their problem-solving skills. So, set aside a couple times a day that you can regularly play with him so he can count on that. (if you make these the same times each day he can predict/anticipate when that time will come.)

Your child needs loving boundaries from you and your husband. Start today-- it only gets harder the longer bad habits are allowed to set in.

I know how frustrating it is. It's not really that a 3 year old is trying to control YOU in the insidious ways that, say, some abusive men try to control their wives. It's just that he's being a normal 3 year old. He wants things his way, and that's what he wanted at 1 and at 2 as well.

It's also normal for kids to want to "fix" things to meet their customary view - that means putting on glasses and doing hair a certain way. I remember getting a very short haircut and cutting off all the permed curls, and my little one looked at me funny for a couple of days. That's normal. It doesn't mean you give in to it though.

So the other comments below are right. You can't give in just because he is crying. He's not in charge. So "he just cries until we listen to him and do as he says" or "does not eat his food until I feed him" have the keys to your problem -- you are giving in. Maybe not in 2 minutes or in 5, but you are giving in.

But a 3 year old will not starve just because the parents didn't feed him - unless he has a significant developmental delay. But if a child is physically capable of picking up food (a piece of chicken, a piece of melon, a Cheerio) just as he can pick up a Lego or a toy car, then he is capable every day. If he doesn't eat, you can play a game (Mom eats a bite, child eats a bite, Mom, child) and laugh and smile while you are doing it. But if he still doesn't go along with it, calmly say, "I guess you are done then. Okay, I will put your dinner in the refrigerator." Then you clean up and take him down from his chair. Wait a half hour. If he is hungry, put the dinner out again.

I would start with finger food, then progress to utensils if you haven't taught him to use those yet. Again, make meal time fun and pleasant. Remind yourself that no child ever starved because the right food wasn't there or a parent didn't do all the work. If you DON'T teach him these skills, you will handicap him in later years.

Tantrums about hair and phone or laptop? Don't give in to it! Put him in his room and tell him he can come out when he's done screaming. Don't yell back, don't plead, don't beg - just tell him you don't listen to yelling and you will be happy to see him when he wants to talk in his inside voice. If he starts up again, he goes back in the room. He wants your attention. If you deprive him of it every time he does these things, he will stop doing them. right now, his technique works because you are giving in.

Give him a set of "room toys" or "alone toys" - things he can only play with when you are in the bathroom or on the laptop, anything that is Mommy's alone time or Daddy's alone time. Those toys go in a bin on the closet shelf and only come out when Mom or Dad have to do something that is grown-up time. (And if they are "in his room toys", he doesn't get them if he has a tantrum and is put in his room by you! That's important!) That way, your computer time or shower time or dinner-fixing time will be special and fun times for him when he only gets to do certain things. And if he bothers you, he loses those toys for the day.

FYI We also had a set of small "waiting toys" - we used them in restaurants while waiting to be served or after our son was done eating but we weren't finished. We also used them in waiting rooms that didn't have toys (like my doctor's office).

You have to be calm and you have to be consistent. This will not work the first time, or the second. But it will work if you are consistent.

Have you talked to his pediatrician about this?

If you haven't, you should. NOT IN FRONT OF YOUR CHILD.

How did this start? Did you ALWAYS hold him and carry him around? Did you pay 100% attention to him when he was smaller? Did you play with him all of the time and now that he's older, you don't? Or did this kind of just start taking on "a life of its own"?

If you haven't done what I mentioned above, then I would say that this sounds to me like your child has OCD. You need to ask the doctor for help in how to start handling him. If he has OCD, then you need a different strategy than regular discipline.

This is an age where kids figure out that Mom is a separate person from them, with your own needs, wants and preferences that don't necessarily match theirs. This can be a little scary for them.

However, a not even 3 year old cannot control you, and if you don't maintain control now, imagine what he will be like at 15. The answer is simple - just say no. "You do not get to tell me whether or not to wear my glasses. You are a tiny child and I am the parent. What I say goes." "You do not get to tell me what I can do with my hair. I am an adult and my hair is my choice. You are the boss of nobody."

He can cry. Crying isn't bad for kids. This is how he will learn that you are the authority figure and he does what you say, not the other way around. If he's being bossy or throwing a fit, lead him to his room and let him know that he cannot come out until he can be pleasant.

Two and three year olds don't get the option of "allowing" us to do something with our hair or use phones, laptops, etc. Tiny tots don't necessarily realize that it is not your job to play with him every minute that you are at home together. It's up to you to give him attention and then let him know that you have other things that you need/want to do. Then have him choose an activity that the two of you can do together later on, and set a timer. Let him know you'll do the activity with him when the timer goes off, but if he whines/complains/pesters/begs before that, the timer will need to be reset.

Good luck

Our son was like that at that age. It was exhausting! We learned to just do what we wanted and let him act out. I wasn't going to speed through going to the bathroom just so he wouldn't cry so long. If our son threw a big fit, off to his crib or bedroom he'd go for a time out.

The key is to do what you want. You're the adults. If he can't deal, he can't deal. Over time, he will learn that his actions won't change what you're doing and he'll stop.

It's a pattern you need to break and it can be done.

"mooom moooom daaad daaad....PUT YOUR GLASSES ON!!! WAAAHHHH!!!!"
"Johnny, Mom is not putting her glasses back on. I probably look a little different with them off, but I am keeping them off. "
"WAAAHHH!!! Put them back on!"
( I have a feeling this is when you give in)
"Nope Johnny. I am not putting them back on. I'm sorry that it upsets you. If you do not stop your crying and screaming then you will sit in your room until you stop."
THEN DO IT.
3 year olds don't control you. Don't "do what he says." You are the boss. Well, you are NOT the boss right now, obviously.
You let him run ramshod over you now and it will be a thousand times worse later.
Reign him in mama.

If you give in it teaches him that these tactics work! I know it's a royal pain in the rear but you have to let him cry, tantrum, whatever. Just be calm and say, no sweetie, Mommy likes her hair like this. No. Mommy is in charge not you. Then ignore him. Once he exhausts himself change the subject and distract him with something to do. I have a friend who never did this and her son is now 6 and super controlling. Both she and her husband do what he says all the time...it's painful to watch! Once a neighbor left their trunk open taking groceries up and this little boy (who was 4 at the time) did not want his mom to go into their apartment till the man came back bc this was upsetting to him. Well, that neighbor obviously forgot and she just stood out there in the parking lot for an hour. Good god. Totally nuts. Please...calmly teach your son that he is not in charge and he does not make the rules. You will have to put up with tears many times but eventually he will get it. The more you give in, the more you reinforce this kind of behavior.

What you are describing is two parents who give to crying and always let your 3 yr old have his way. Maybe there is more to the story????
Are you talking screaming and throwing up when he doesnt get his way? Are you talking hysterical tantrums ? Might he hurt himself or others when he doesnt get his way? If any of the latter are true I would keep taking him to pediatricians and specialist until he is diagnosed.
But if you just do what ever he wants, cuz it's easier than listening to him whine, then I recommend you stop that. Parenting is not always easy. Let him go without food for a few meals, he will survive. Let him cry. He will survive. Take a parenting class, read 1,2,3 Magic and take back control

You are allowing him to run your family. You can't do that.

No one said parenting is easy. It sounds like you and your husband could benefit from some parenting classes.

The longer you give in and allow this behavior the longer it will last. It is up to YOU to stop it.

Let him cry... he'll get tired of it when he realizes he gets no reaction from you.

Get parenting books so you can be a better parent. If he is 3, put him in some sort of preschool, mom's day out or anything the enables him to be around other children his age to engage and socialize.

I used to work in the Student Activities Office at a university. There was a student who would approach me and/or my supervisor with an idea. Many of his ideas were pretty out there, and we would have to suggest changes or simply say, no. He didn't like that and would ask us again a few dsys later. And again and again and again. We often wondered if his parents always eventually just gave in if he bugged them enough times.

Don't give in. Right now you are teaching him that if he bugs you enough you will just do what he wants. Now is the time to teach him to accept no for an answer the first time.

Yeah I wouldn't tolerate that at all. If you continue, it will be harder to correct and discipline later on. I'd nip it now.

Does he have a security toy, blanket, anything that he uses for comforting himself? My son had a sensory issue / texture issue. It may not be the same thing, but it might help him feel more secure if he had an attachment or time to independently learn to self soothe. If he is always looking to you for comfort, he will not be able to manage his emotions and soothe himself. Did you alwYs pick him up when he cried, or did you let him cry it out first, then comfort if it took longer then necessary? These kinds of things will bring about this behavior.

I'd suggest a play pen. You can put him in it with some toys, books, blanket, and set it in a room you will be in. If he can SEE you, he may feel more comfortable playing by himself , etc. do those things that he reacts to while he is in the play pen, and do not cave or pick him up. Allow him room to process and attempt to soothe himself without getting you to do what he wants. He in time will not be put off by these things, and will outgrow this behavior.

He also isn't far off from learning time outs from when his behavior escalates.

In this case I'd pick up this child and swat their hiney and say "I'm the boss, not you. You do NOT tell me what to do". Period.

You have allowed your child to be the parent and boss you around. If you continue to allow this what do you think he's going to be like when he's a tween or teen? It will only get worse.

Perhaps some Love and Logic classes would help you learn parenting skills too. It takes time to learn good ways to parent a child.

I can honestly say that I would have put the kiddo in his room and told him he could cry in there all he wanted and he can come out as soon as he's not crying anymore. Then if that didn't work there would be consequences of not being able to come out of his room. Good Grief! He's not your boss but you're letting him control you. Simply ignore him after you've swatted his hiney for it and then putting him in his room and then if he's still doing it you put him in his room and you go to your room and he can't be around you until he stops this.

this child needs a parent.
since you are utterly unable to perform this function, i suggest you find someone for him who can.
khairete
S.