This is probably a common question, but thought I would describe my specific situation to see what fresh ideas anyone out there might have. My son is three (December birthday). He has been peeing in the toilet for about 8 months with no problem (the occasional accident, but that's normal). He wears big boy underwear all day (except at nap and overnight). But he won't poop in the toilet. He HAS pooped in the toilet a handful of times, but that was always somewhat by luck - and within the last three or four months, he sort of developed a resistance to it. He doesn't poop in his underwear. He waits until naptime or bedtime when we have to put a diaper on him, and then he will go in his diaper. We always encourage him to sit on the toilet for a while before we put his diaper on, and he is at the point where he will willingly and cheerfully sit on the toilet for five or ten minutes. Nothing happens. Then we put his diaper on and within moments, he has pooped in it. I don't want him holding his poop, so I encourage him to do this if he won't go on the toilet. For example, a few days ago, he was clearly unhappy and uncomfortable because he had to poop, and I sat him on the toilet for ages and ages, and he just kept saying, "It's not coming. I'm done". So finally I told him to get a pull-up and he put it on and went into the bathroom by himself and pooped in his diaper. We have a rule now that even if he is pooping in his diaper, he has to do it in the bathroom. And we always dump the poop from his diaper into the toilet and flush it. He gets excited to see his poop "going down the pipe" as he calls it. He talks animatedly about the various rewards he knows he will get when he poops on the toilet - chocolate covered raisins, stickers, a Thomas train! - but he will not, in fact, actually poop on the toilet!
I feel like we have tried absolutely everything. We have offered rewards (see above). We have tried sitting in the bathroom and chatting/singing/reading stories together for distraction while he is on the potty. We have tried leaving him alone in privacy while he is on the potty, because he generally prefers to be alone while pooping in his diaper. We've told him that if he wants to start preschool, he has to go poopy in the toilet. With all of these things, he indicates that he understands, that his intent is to go in the toilet, that he's really looking forward to those rewards, etc. - but when the time comes, he won't go.
I am thinking it is something like an inability to know how to relax those anal muscles the right way while he is sitting on the toilet. That something about how he poops standing up into his diaper makes more sense to him, and that he can't readily call upon his poo to come while sitting on the toilet. Every once in a while, the urge to poop seems to take him by surprise. At those times, I try to whisk him away to put him on the toilet, and it's THEN that he REALLY protests. He absolutely does not want to sit on the toilet or have me take off his diaper or come anywhere near him while he is pooping in his diaper. Once he is DONE, then he will comply with my request to sit on the toilet and see if "any more is coming" - which it never does.
He moves his bowels regularly - once a day, sometimes every other day, but not less than that - and the timing is pretty predictable. Also - he will often precede his need to poop by wandering around the house whimpering "I'm cooold, I'm cooold". I've tried telling him that when he feels cold like that, it means his poopy is coming and he should sit on the toilet.
How can I help him recognize the signs that mean he is ready to poop, and also how to relax his muscles on command in order to poop in the toilet?
Also - does anyone recommend discontinuing putting him in diapers at nap and bedtime? I feel like that might help do the trick - but he is not able to go through the night without peeing all night. I tried keeping him in underwear overnight once and he thoroughly wet the bed. He is never dry in the morning, and it's my understanding that kids aren't developmentally ready to be diaper-free overnight for a while yet.
Do I just need to patient and trust this will sort itself out eventually?
For night time and naps: up until even 7 years old, it is NORMAL for a child to still be wet a night/naps. My daughter even at 5, was wearing night time diapers.
Accidents will still happen, with diapers or not at night or naps.
It is childhood.
My daughter at 7, had some pee accidents at night. NO biggie.
It was involuntary.
Just get a waterproof bed pad to put directly under him.
I got 4 of them from Amazon. I still use these under my kids, for night and naps.
Night time dryness and daytime, are 2 completely SEPARATE things and processes.
For his poop: he will get it. Just not yet. Boys are often later. Pooping mastery is often later as well. In children.
One day he will do it.
That is how my son was and my friend's son.
Don't force. Otherwise, some kids will intentionally NOT poop, at all. And that is worse and it will then cause Constipation and other medical problems. And this vicious cycle, once they start to withhold their poop... is VERY hard to stop.
I know, my daughter did that. We then had to take her to a Pediatric Gastroenterologist. And it took MONTHS... to get her to poop and for her poop to get un-hard, again and normalize it.
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S.R.
answers from
Phoenix
on
I know exactly how you feel becuase I was there too! My son asked for a diaper to poop in from 29-33 months. He was pee potty trained through this. He would get a diaper, lay down, I would put it on and he would run to the bathroom close the door do his business and then yell for a change. I did this for a long time. I didn't pressure him about it. Finally when he did this routine at a park I had to try something different. Since he was already in the bathroom, I worked with him just sitting on the potty with a diaper on. I would put him up there with the diaper on and then leave and stand outside the door to give him privacy. I told him if he had a diaper on he had to sit on the potty. After a couple days of this I started cutting a hole in the bottom of his diaper. He had no clue I did this. Then I would have him sit on the potty and the first time poop through the diaper into the toilet. He was VERY excited. He told me his diaper was broke and the poop went in the potty. Ever since then he didn't want the broken diaper on and would just go in the toilet. Just try it out!
Good luck!
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A.P.
answers from
Eugene
on
No advice. My son was potty trained early and pooped in the potty too. Then, we had a poop regression (that actually involved Thomas the Train...it's a long story:). Needless to say, there was no poop in our potty for awhile. I was convinced it would NEVER happen. He also wouldn't go and would get really constipated which made me really sad for him. I know this isn't much solace, but be glad your boy will go in a diaper and isn't hurting himself by holding it. We never worried about an accident when we were out of the house because our son was a champion holder. So, after attending the big kid class at preschool he came home one day and sat himself on the potty and started pooping. That was it! It will happen.... I was shocked when he pooped. It didn't occur to me that one day it would just be simple and not an issue...but one day it will be and there might not be much you can do until that point. My advice is to let it go...easier said than done :)
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C.K.
answers from
Minneapolis
on
My older son was like this right before his third birthday (I potty train younger than most people - before/around 2nd birthday). He was absolutely terrified of going poop on the toilet or potty chair. Someone on this message board had told me that it took their son getting sick with diarrhea and stomach virus to get over that fear. Well, coincidentally, my son got sick that winter and was going poop so frequently without much control that I was holding him over the toilet. He saw that it was no big deal. He still asked for a diaper when he recovered from this short illness, but by that point I told him no because we had seen that he could do it. He would hold it for days. We are both very stubborn. The doctor suggested Miralax. That kept his poops more "urgent" so that he wasn't able to hold it in as long. I don't by any means suggest that this is the right way to go about things. It worked with my son, and I just thought I'd let you know my experience.
My younger son is not even 2.5 and is potty trained. He never had any issues with poop. It's funny how different each child is. That is why you can get a million suggestions. Only your instinct combined with helpful suggestions and your knowledge of your child can rule.
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E.T.
answers from
Los Angeles
on
My son was the exact same way. We tried all sorts of tricks and incentives, but nothing worked. He would tell us when he needed to go and ask for a diaper. Around 3.5, he decided he was ready to poop in the potty. I know it can be frustrating, but don't stress yourself out. We still use a pull up at night and he is almost 4 now.
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K.U.
answers from
Detroit
on
You've gotten some great advice so far, so here's something I can share, for what it's worth:
One of my good friends was having a hard time getting her 1 of her 4 year old twin sons to poop on the potty - he would pee, but he just got really stubborn about not wanting to poop on the potty and would keep going in his pull-up, his pants, etc. He loves playing the Wii though so finally she told him if he wanted to play the Wii each day, he had to poop on the potty first. He wasn't happy about it but after 3 days of going without the Wii, he finally made up his mind to just do it.
Sometimes, you have to figure out what means the most to them (video game, certain TV show, etc.) and not let them have access to it until they decide to poop in the potty.
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A.C.
answers from
Salt Lake City
on
I feel your pain! I am going to have to come back to your question and see what answers you get! I actually posted something similar last week but only got 4 answers and not really any solutions. Someone suggested buying the book "Everyone poops", which I have ordered. Today I parked the training potty in front of the tv, gave my daughter (who is 3) a sippy of water and told her to sit on the potty while she watched tv. I was sure it would work because she was grunting and about to poop. It did not work. A while later I checked on her and she was wearing different pants. She had pooped in her undies and hid them in her room. Argh! I have tried rewards and taking away her favorite toys every time she poops her pants. It is not working. I will let you know if I stumble across anything that works! I think tomorrow I am going to park her on the potty again but keep it in the same room as me until she goes.
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D.P.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
The Pull Ups might be hindering him making "the leap" but you don't want him holding it indefinitely...
Have you explained that his poop is not "part of him" and that it's waste from food after all the good stuff goes into his body?
Have you let him try sitting backwards on the toilet--like a horse, an engineer on a train....? Sometimes kids feel more secure when they can lean on the tank.....
Have you read the book Once Upon a Potty (boy version)? Kind of explains exactly where the poop comes from....I think boys see the pee come out & "get" that but the poop part is more mysterious......
I'd probably just have him keep sitting & trying especially when it's "that time" and maybe up the ante for trying during those poop chill times.
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J.S.
answers from
San Francisco
on
You should potty train him fully - i.e. no diaper at all. There should not be exceptions for nap or bedtime. Having these "occasions" where he is allowed to wear diapers may confuse him. Not pooping in the toilet, however, is a major issue many parents go through during potty training. For some reason it is harder for children to want to poop in the toilet, but if I were you I would get rid of the diaper completely so there was no temptation for your LO to wait to poop when he has a diaper on. Here are some more potty training tips you could check out:
