3 Year Old's Behavior - Hutchinson,KS

I know it's exhausting, but for now I would just try and meet his needs. He seems to have a real need for attention - good or bad. Right now he's getting negative attention when you get upset with him or tell him that crying won't help. This will more than likely stop if he is given lots of positive attention.

Why not just try responding positively when he calls for you? It would mean the world to him if you picked him up out of bed and gave him hugs and kisses or tickled him a bit.

It is important for him to use his words as much as he can. What worked with my son was to very calmly and nicely say, "I'm sorry, but Mommy can't understand what you're saying. Can you please try again?" He definitely had his moments when he would whine, but for the most part it worked.

I know 4 months seems like a long time to you and that he should have adjusted by now, but some kids just take longer. Keep being as positive, kind and loving as you can. That's what's going to get him through this phase the quickest.

I really agree with what Marda said.

I'll share a secret I don't often tell people outside my profession: when I was a nanny, it took almost a year for all of us (myself and the family) to become really "used to" each other. This includes me, a grown adult. A full year.

Your boyfriend's son sounds like he's had a LOT of transitions lately. A blended household (now he has two new people to get used to), potty training (which is, in my book, a big deal for some kids) and pretty typically, from my experience, you are going to see some regression in some area.

This is what I would do: love on him as much as you can. When he says he's awake, go in and read a story with him before he gets up. My son is 4.5 years old and even without all those huge transitions, he loves for me to snuggle him up in the mornings.

A. Maslow's "Heirarchy of Needs" (or what some call the child's "Staircase of Needs") identifies what children need in order to become self-actualizing people. First, their physical needs must be met. ("I have food, shelter, and someone to hold me.") Second, their need for security, proof that the world is a trustworthy place. I'll stop at the third (there are six): Belonging. "This is where I belong. This is my place." I think this little boy is stuck between second and third. He's asking for company and attention when he gets up, and gets nothing. It's up to you and your boyfriend to figure out how to help him feel that there is security in his new home, and part of that is responding to his needs, even if that means just helping him out of bed.

What you describe sounds sadly like a battle of wills. The adults want him to 'grow up'. He's in regression, which is really common for kids in this situation. Try to meet him halfway. This will take a long time. One book I recommend highly is "Taking Charge: Loving Discipline that Works at Home and School." by JoAnn Nordling. The area I would encourage you most to take to heart is regarding Positive Attention for Neutral Behaviors. (this is different from spending time with him or acknowledging his good behaviors, which you are doing.) He needs to know (not through words, but constant love and support) that he is loved for being just who he is. "Just who he is" right now is a little guy whose world just got turned upside down. No matter how his mother parents him, even if she's infantalizing him a bit, this book WILL help you be able to help him. I'd also suggest possibly family counseling, as I would suggest this when any two families become one.

Added: It's also really clear to see that you do care about this little boy and are trying to keep things stable as much as you can and as equal as you can with your daughter. Good for you. I have been where you are, by the way, in differing aspects of my work. It takes a lot of time for some kids to trust us, even if we think they're familiar with us. Having a lot of patience helps. I hope you let us know how things work out down the line.

This is a major adjustment for him. I urge you to be more sympathetic and emotionally supportive. Telling him to stop crying only makes him feel worse. You want him to be able to express his feelings while also learning to use his words. Say, "I can't understand you when you're crying. Can you calm down and tell me in big boy words what you need.'

Accept his tears. He's anxious and probably scared. His first years have been disruptive and are still disruptive since he visits his mother during the month. He needs lots of understanding. He will stop crying when he feels secure.

Got to him and help him get up. Geez, he's anxious and needs your support. At 3 he still needs to have you help him with getting started on his day. He feels all alone in that bed. He's scared. Reassure him that you are there for him.

I suggest he's perfectly fine at her house because she isn't trying to make him grow up. She may prefer having a baby. And for him, this is good.

Now you have him most of the time and it is up to you to help him mature. You do this by accepting his feelings and help him deal with them. Give him lots of support. Hold him when he cries. Let him know that you care.

You can still teach him how to use his words but only after you acknowledge and accept his emotions. Try to put yourself in his place. How are you feeling when you cry? Do you cry to manipulate? I doubt it. He's not manipulating you. He's letting you know that he feels awful.

After your SWH: I had a foster daughter who was 7 and then 8 and 9. Just like your 3 yo she'd had a rocky beginning in life. At 7 she acted more like 4 or 5. She couldn't tie her shoes. Her caseworker and our therapists said that I should treat her at the age she is acting. She needed to go thru those ages to reach her chronological age.

So love your little 3 yo like the 1 yo he's acting. Teach him as if he were 1. He'll go thru the stages more quickly than he would've at that age. Eventually he catch up to his chronological age. My foster child eventually caught up several years later. It was a hard time for both of us.

Other foster families tried to make her act her age. They failed. Because she was lacking in the security that babies and toddlers need she needed to go thru those stages to learn how security feels.

I urge you to get an evaluation for your 3 yo. The psychologist can tell you what his psychological age is and give you pointers on how to catch him up to his chronological age.

My day care provider just took on another child (my two have been the only ones with her for the past 2 months) and for the past week BOTH my children have wanted her to carry them so the loving person she is has alternated holding both! She told me this on Friday hummmmmmm wondered why my 2 & 3 y/o children wanted to be picked up more (for which I do not indulge they weigh 30 lbs a piece!) That being said I discussed the possibility that they are testing her to ensure they are still loved and will be working with her next week to ensure my children know that they will be able to equally spend time with her. Continue to be loving and set the routine for him, this is what children need Good Luck

Sounds like you're doing a great job! I had a student once with similar problem. He was in first grade and tried to act like he couldnt do work that he could do, it was very annoying to teach him, because it was hard to see what he knew and didnt know, what he coud and couldnt do... so you do have to nip it in the bud, as you said! He was also going back and forth between two homes, and his mother babied him A LOT!
I still think it's OK to say "Do you want to play baby for a while? that's fine." You're naming the behavior as play acting and not typical behavior for a three yr old. Do you think his mother tells him he has to stay in his bed until she gets him up??

Stick to your guns. He will learn what is expected. You are doing a great job and do not think any differently. It sounds like you are setting expectations and giving good postive reinforcement.

I do not know what goes on or if he sees his mother, but if she babies him or lets him do this, then he is carryingt his over to you. Kids usually behave differently with differnt people, like one way for a parent f they spoil them and another way with a grandarent if they are strict. MY 2 1/2 year old has been whining and crying like something is seriously wrong, only when I rush in there it is over something stupid, like her sister has something she wants. Do you think maybe he feels neglected, evn if you do not neglect him? My daughter is 6 and has started to notice things that are not fair, like when she is in school, her sister may get to go shopping with me and my mom.
I also would like to suggest a chart that rewards good behaviour, like with stickers. Either have "prizes" he can earn or a goal he can work for. (a movie or small toy or outing with you guys. That helped with my oldest. Good luck, whining drives me crazy!

Have you thought about applying Ferber's method to this situation? When he cries, wait for 5 minutes before going in to reassure him that you are there, that you love him and you're excited to play with him when he gets out of bed. Don't get him out; just talk for less than a minute and then leave the room. If he keeps crying, wait for 10 minutes before going in and repeating the action. If he keeps crying, wait for 15 and repeat. This way, it still teaches him to soothe and calm himself, but reminds him that you're there, that you love him, and that there is a reward for acting appropriately. I don't know....that's just a thought.