My DD is 3 yrs 9 months. She is going through a period of ignoring me when I ask/tell her to do something. I feel like I am talking to myself. I do "1-2-3" sometimes but Time Out is a struggle too. The only thing that works is when I leave the room -- it feels like the only way to take back control the situation. By then I am really angry and need a time out for myself too! She comes running behind me and is very contrite. The thing is, we adopted her about 15 months ago and I am very concerned that my leaving the room will trigger abandonment fears. Well, so far I don't think there's been any damage but I wish I could find another way to get through to her. She is actually a very happy, well-adjusted child and I am sure the ignoring is a phase, but it really pushes my buttons.
A couple of things...this is not about interrupting her when she's engrossed in something. I know that can be frustrating and time things so she gets some warning. Amy, I don't think this qualifies as ignoring her. I repeat myself a couple of times and then my choice is, physically pick her up, yell, or walk away, saying, for example, "If you won't get dressed, I guess you don't want to go with me and I will call the babysitter". That's when I get a response. I tell her "I love you all the time but I get mad or sad when she doesn't listen". And if she were not adopted, I'd do the same, I might not worry about it as much:-) I think hearing that they all do this is reassuring, and I'll work on getting a response sooner rather than later so she realises this is not acceptable.
I'm no expert, but I don't think it's unreasonable to take a 'mommy time out.' You could always just tell her- "Mommy needs a time out until you decide to listen." You can even tell her where you are going or go to a consistent place... so she knows you're not far.
I think you're doing great! You've found something that works!
Ignoring is a very important teaching phase. Our whole family takes it very seriously when ALL the kids-30 cousins included-go through it. It is disciplined like any other major rule. One calm warning to listen, and respond, and a consequence if you've had to repeat yourself more than once or twice. You take action way before you would become annoyed or angry. It always works, the kids always learn, the phase is really brief.
A good idea when someone asks something of the child (if it's you, or someone else asks your daughter something but she ignores them), you walk up to her right away, make some physical contact with the second warning, like place a hand on her shoulder and say, "Junior, ANSWER." This lets them know you are totally focused on them and a consequence is next if they do not respond. My kids ignored me a few times around age 3, but soon learned it was a major rule not to ignore mom. Sometimes they (well actually I) slack, but when I give the last warning, they know it and hop to.
The catch here is if you will feel OK since your daughter is newly adopted. I think ignoring or walking away in any case is negligent parenting, but many people feel differently. My brother and I were both adopted, and our parents didn't sugar coat things for us, thank goodness, we didn't spend countless hours wallowing in time outs and power struggles or getting ignored. If she was not adopted, how would you handle this? Keep in mind that even if she was your blood relation she would still do the exact same thing. She is now your real daughter, you should treat her as such. It's not mean to teach her respectful behavior, and it does not mean you do not unconditionally love her. The opposite is true. Love includes discipline and teaching respect. Keep it brief and clear so you can get back to having fun.
I am going through a similar phase with my daughter, who is 3 1/2 yrs old. She is a very happy, thoughtful, and loving child but lately she has been tuning me, my husband, and my mother out totally. She only wants to do what she wants to do and when someone, usually me puts my foot down, she has a temper tantrum or just ignores me. I get very frustrated as well and since nothing else is working, I started explained to her last night while she was in timeout that she will get one warning for her behavior and then we will take a toy and put it downstairs. The way to earn them back is through good behavior. I really think it is the age and I just hope she gets through this quickly!
P.S. I was adopted and I think that is one of the most amazing gifts to give a child. Since you are worried about abandonment fears, maybe you could try explaining to her that she will loose a toy when she doesn't listen and the way to earn it back is by showing you that she can listen like the big girl you know she is. Just a suggestion :-)
Maybe you're interrupting her when she's really into something? Like, imagine you're watching your favorite show, and then your husband tells you to go clean the kitchen and he won't take no for an answer. Kind of rude, yes? If you need her to do something, try waiting till she is in a good stopping place.
MIne's a little younger, but I make sure I have his attention when I ask him to do something. I get down on his level, make eye contact and then ask/tell him what I want. If he doesn't respond, then I repeat myself and say, I'm going to count to 3 and then I will (carry you, turn off the tv, eat your pie whatever). And then I follow through. Every time. It is hard sometimes not to make the consequence bigger than what it should be because I'm irritated, but knowing that I actually have to follow through keeps me in check. :-)
I think trying to get their attention when they are doing something engrossing is tough, so I usually give a warning, if possible ("Kipper is going to be over in 2 minutes. Then we need to go upstairs"), but ultimately, what I say needs to happen.
All my boys do this to me a lot and I think it's really normal. My SIL told me what she does and it seems to work somewhat. When I want to ask any of them a question I don't launch into the question until I know I have their attention, for example I say their name only and I'll go and stand right in front of them so they have to address me. Once they say "yes" then I ask the question and they always answer.
Welcome to the world of three year olds.
