3 Year Old Does Not Want to with Mom

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I think kids go through stages of only wanting to be with one parent or the other. It's very common. It sounds like Mommy is the one who does all the basic care, is in charge of schedules and dressing and meals and getting in the carseat and brushing teeth - all the things that kids balk at. She's also the one who's going to take him to the babysitter so being with Mom means losing Mom too. Dad is only there 60 minutes a day? That's so so so little. So the time is precious to your son and of course he is not going to do well when Dad leaves. Who can blame him?

I'm not sure it has to do with spoiling him when he was younger - that's usually in older kids. But if your wife is overburdened with all the childcare and tough decisions/separations/transitions, she may be a bit overwhelmed and tired of being the bad guy all the time. So she may be a little more short with your son. Can't say I blame her.

If you come home from work in the morning, is there any way that you can spend more time with your son after you wife leaves, and then you be the one to take him to the babysitter's? Are you going to bed exactly when you arrive home in the morning? If you have one car and your wife is taking it to work right after you arrive home in it, that's obviously a problem. But if you can spend more time with your son, it would be better for all 3 of you. If you are sleeping roughly 8 hours and working roughly 8 hours, then there are still 8 hours in the day. Maybe you spend 2 of those commuting. But there are still 6 hours left, and only 1 of those hours is going to your son (in 2 half-hour shifts). Maybe there's something you can work out with the remaining 5 hours??

I don't think this behavior is because of you spoiling him when he was
younger. Spending time with your child is never "spoiling". I think it is because he only sees you for an hour a day.

Ask yourself this question.

How can I find the time to spend more time with my child each day??

Also, it doesn't sound like he gets much more time with mommy as well. He is spending most of his day with a babysitter.

Another question you and your wife should ask each other.
What can we do so we both spend more time with our child each day?

I don't think it is separation anxiety or due to spoiling. It is a young boy knowing he has to leave both mommy, daddy and his home to go be with a babysitter. He kicks and screams because he knows that when you walk out that door he is heading out soon to the babysitter and away from all the people he loves and who bring him joy,safety and security.

I really hope that you and your wife can find ways to spend more time with your child. They grow up super fast and then are out of your home and off on their own. You will never get these lost moments with your son back. And many of your memories will be the days schlepping him to the babysitter and him screaming for you.

Why can't you spend a few hours with him in the morning (?) day or night, doesn't matter, most parents spend time with their kids after work. Take him to the sitter then come back home and get your sleep.

He just wants some time with you.
Maybe you could spend a few hours with him in the morning and then you take him to the baby sitters before you get some sleep.
He will outgrow it eventually but it's tough while they are going through it.

Could you take him to daycare an hour later or2 hours later in the morning.?

Find the time for your son.

And at 3 it is not unusual for a child to have seperation anxiety with each parent, one parent or a beloved person including teachers or other relatives. It is a normal development in his life.

Part of it is his age. At this age, they start identifying more with Dad. (I have 2 boys and they did this as well). I think he needs more time with you doing "guy" things. Perhaps you could do some extra special things on the weekends he could look forward to. Children love routines. Make your time with him special.

No matter what shift you work, you shouldn't be sleeping the rest of the day away. My husband worked different shifts for a while and he still saw the kids plenty. He was either up before he went to work for hours or stayed up hours when he got home...it depended on what shift he was working.

YOU need to do more to spend time with your son. Daycare isn't important at all...time with dad trumps that any day.

You need to spend more time with your son. That is the bottom line. What about the weekends?

By the way, what is your work schedule? It would seem you should be able to spend more time with him in the evening before you go to work or in the morning. Maybe you could start taking him to daycare instead of Mommy. I think you both need to look at your schedules and see what adjustments can be made so you are spending more time with your son.

I know that our overnight shift is 9:00 p.m. to 5:00 a.m. What are your hours? More information in that regard would be helpful.

He wants to be with you more. It's not because you spoiled him. Find some time for him.

Diane B. has great ideas for ways to spend more time with your son. That would really help with this problem.

Right now, you are like a special treat to him -- your attention is just magical for him because it's much more rare than mom's. Are you familiar with the old saying, "Familiarity breeds contempt?" Well, your son doesn't feel contempt for mom--but he is so very used to her being there for him all the time that he takes her for granted. He's only three, so you and she simply can't teach him yet that he will get to see you more on your day off, or that mommy really needs him to come be with her right now or whatever. He's not old enough to understand all that. He lives in the moment and the moment that you leave seems like the end of the world to him, every single time. So he reacts like it's the end of the world.

This is normal. If your wife were the one who worked the night shift and she spent the amount of time with him that you now do, and your roles were reversed, please know that she would be the one whom he wanted to see, and you would be the one he seemed to "reject."

Since Diane and others have dealt with ways to increase your time with him, I want to add that I would be concerned about your wife's reactions here.

You say that she "keeps blaming" you for causing this, so I take it that she does so a lot. This isn't related to any spoiling - he's too young to remember it and it's also not really possible to spoil an infant the way she means, but that's another discussion. The key thing is that she blames you. It's clear she's hurt and as Diane noted, your wife likely is also tired of being the one who always has to calm your son and be the bad guy. I hope she can learn to understand that her son is not intentionally trying to wound her feelings, and you are not to blame for this typical, normal behavior. This is a time for both parents to learn that some behaviors just have to be lived through and will pass - though it seems like an eternal problem when it's happening.

If this is creating tension between you and her, please get some good parenting books that talk about stages of kids' development, and that address how kids react to both the parent who does most of the child care (and is the disciplining, "I have to say no to you" parent), and the parent who is around less (and becomes the fun, shiny-new parent every time).

Kids go through phases where they prefer one parent over the other. It will pass.

So, I have to second the why can't you spend more time with him question. I totally understand needing to work and I am sure you need to sleep during the day, but it seems like you would be able to find some time during the day like another hour or so and possibly be the one to drop him at the sitter. Its also important that you find a way to take over at least some of the actual parenting responsibilities. If not bed time, at least getting him up and dressed in the morning, feeding him dinner and doing some other activities.
This is not an issue of spoiling, as much as not prioritizing your time so that he feels that he is getting enough interaction with you.

You two need parenting classes.

This is not about your son preferring you over his mother. It's not about you spoiling him. Your wife is frustrated and not understanding what's going on. Part of the problem is that you are like an ex-husband who has a little bit of custody. You don't have to discipline, you don't have to do any work. You just get the "fun stuff" and your wife does all the real work. She sees the worst of him because he's so DESPERATE for time with you that he acts like he has a preference for you.

This is YOUR fault because you have made a schedule that does not include your son. You need to do SOMETHING to change your schedule so that you can spend more time with your child.

Fix this. Get some help from a parenting counselor. Things will get a lot worse if you don't. There is so much stress in your household because your wife doesn't understand and is the only real parent in that house. Your son is suffering. Get started now.

It would be helpful if you could add info about your schedules. He needs to spend more time with both of you. The couples I know who work opposite schedules (one day, one graveyard) do it to spend more time with their kids. Why is he spending the whole day in daycare if you are home during the day? Say you get home at 7 am (guessing here). You could pick him up from daycare at say 2 -3 pm and have the whole afternoon until you have to leave in the evening (if you are working 11-7 or so). If you can't work that out, stay awake for a few hours when you get home and drop him off at daycare at noon. I would NOT worry that he is missing daycare. I would worry that he is missing his parents.

I would not recommend he go to child care later. He'll miss the entire morning and that's when they do most of their teaching and table time.

If you can help me understand your schedule please. It would be helpful...

You work nights. So that means, to me, 11pm-7am or midnight to 8am.

Why is your wife not bringing him home until 10 pm? That's the only way this post makes sense.

On the other hand if you work that schedule but you're asleep when they get home and you don't get up to spend the evening with him then it's your choice to not spend time with your family. Period.

So what I'm going to say is based on that assumption...might not be right but...

Let's say you go to work or leave for work after 9pm. Even if it's midnight it doesn't matter. I'm assuming he goes to bed before 9pm so time after 9pm doesn't matter. It's sleeping time for him.

I'm also going to assume mom goes to work at 8 and you get home from work just in time to see them at breakfast then they leave.

Go to bed by 9:30am or 10am and sleep until 6pm or 7pm. Since he's 3 he can go to bed as late as 8:30pm or 9pm because he's sleeping at nap time in child care, that's a couple of hours, then he's sleeping....say 9pm - 7am, that's 10 more hours. He doesn't need 12 hours of sleep per night.

Keep him up in the evenings and spend that time with him. That's the way most families in America do it.

They all get together around 6pm and eat dinner then they do stuff together and then go to bed for the night/go to work while kiddo is sleeping.

There's not really any reason you're not getting to spend time with him. He can stay up later and spend time with you.

Your child is 3 which, IMHO, is the very BEST age! They are becoming verbal and it's amazing to listen to what they say and try to see the world through their eyes.

That being said, I agree with the others that you need to figure out a way to spend more time with him on a daily basis. 1 hr per day, broken up into 2 - 1/2 hour periods is like nothing. Is there some way you can pick him up from the sitters a little earlier?

Remember "Cats in the Cradle." You don't want that to be you in 20 years!

Is it just in the morning he throws the fits? My kids don't like to go places when they are tired, just leave them in bed until they wake up. Plus he sees you are at home and wondering why he can't be at home with you, they don't understand adults need sleep. If he is anything like my kids were, they know how to pull the strings to my heart, he might be doing that with mommy right now.
For the most part, I think it's your son's age. He'll out grow it.

My husband travels a lot while I stay at home. It's always been hard on our kids. Right now, my four year old is having a really hard time dealing with his dad's schedule. When my husband's home, I may as well not exist but I understand that's because I'm always here but dad being home is special. (Trust me, it won't be quite so bad when he gets older. He'll still miss you but will be able to understand it better.) Is there any way you can spend more time with him?