I know that 3 year olds go through an independant phase but mine is especailly defiant. He is an otherwise sweet and good natured child but he hates when he is being redirected from something that he prefers to do to something that he would prefer not to do. I have tried time outs, taking toys or preferred activities away; I don't know what else to do.
Hi M.,
When my daughter was that age I gave her several warnings before we changed activities.
You might try getting a timer and he can see when the timer runs down it's time to do what
you have asked him to do .
Good luck, A.
M.
I have a precocious 2.5 year old and we were STRUGGLING to figure out what to do with her. We tried lots of the same things you did and nothing really worked. You know that they are just testing out limits and struggling with trying to be independent. I am not someone who reads popular literature on child rearing but I heard too many things about this book- 1 2 3 Magic. While it is not the best read and a bit condescending/repetitive in places, the philosophy behind it- not letting their bad behavior elicit emotion from you (which is much of the goal of their bad behavior) combined with counting (to give them a few seconds to change behavior) and immediate consequences (going to room or timeout), really works for reeling in bad behaviors. This book helped us to figure out what to do with her behaviors. In addition to this strategy we also realized that some of the behaviors might also be due to higher than normal emotional needs. We combined the magic strategy with giving her more attention and time (what kid couldn' t use more parent time?). She is much less defiant and much more fun to be with now-I feel that both of these things helped her to get over the peak of that stage.
Good luck!
I know exactly what you are going through! I am very sympathetic to you. A year ago my husband and I got custody of his three children. And the youngest one who is now 3, was horrifying! We could not even take him in public! We tried all the correct avenues, and nothing. Finally I took him to the doctors, because I felt this was my last resort. And all to find that he had ODD! Which is a difiancy issue. He went on a mild, non addictive medication at night time, to even him out! And it worked great! He slept better at night, and was more rested for the next day! It is very tough and it takes a strong mom to be able to deal. It is hard to know what to do. I hope this helped a little. J. Ayer!
Check out these websites...and hang in there, this too shall pass!
S.
5 minute warnings have seemed to help ease transitions at our home. For example we ask them if they would like to clean up now or in 5 minutes or a time frame that is suitable to you. Once they have feel like they get to make the choice and there is a cue that lets them know that its time for something different, it helps ease the transitions and should help some of the defiance because he may feel more incontrol and dependent even though he is really doing exactly what you need him to do, but without the struggles and losing privileges.
I am a child care provider. What usually works for me is to give the child choices. Because as you have stated they are independent (which is a great developmental sign, but tough on us). If he is doing an activity you could let him know in advance of the expected clean up time ( they can't always have choices). But when possible I suggest giving him a choice. For example: Would you like to clean up now for lunch or in 10 minutes? Then he will clean up and feel like he made the choice. I hope this helps.
Behavior issues : 1-2-3 Magic by Dr Thomas Phelan I guarantee it will work.
Hi M.,
I SO know what your going through! I have an almost 4 year old (4 in May) and he is VERY defiant. He does just the opposite of everything I ask him. He is constantly testing me. I too have tried to redirect him and it only works for a few minutes and then he is back doing what it was he got redirected for. I have taken stuff away, done time outs, and I have also tried 1-2-3 Magic. I read the book and watched the movie and thought "WOW! This HAS to work!". I currently use 1-2-3 Magic... at least for me it hasn't worked yet. The problem... he LOVES his room! So I tried another room and he LOVED that room! He has NO problem going to his room... he'll go up to his room and come back down and return doing what he was sent to his room for. We play this game all day! I don't loose my patience with him and I don't talk to him about why he is going to his room. Before starting 1-2-3 I sat down with him and explained the 'rules' and he understands them. I don't have a lot of rules... matter of fact my house is VERY child friendly. I just ask that he doesn't pretend that he is Deigo! That means no swinging from the curtains, no jumping off of the couch, no sliding down the banisters, no using electrical cords as ropes, etc. He hasn't watched Deigo for almost 3 months and he still pretends that he is Deigo!
Anyways... I just wanted to let you know that I am in the same boat as you and I wish I had better advice for you. I am actually happy that you posted this question because I was going to post one today!
Becky
Are you giving him enough time to finish his project? Sometimes when I am doing an activity and am interrupted it can be irritating. Maybe he needs extra time to finish. Say to him that he has 5 more minutes and then he will be expected to finish up. Or set a timer for the time and then he can visually see the timer and hurry and finish his thing.
Preparing him may be the key.
