My Son Didn’t Listen to Me, So I Left Him in a Dark Room Alone

Well, when I tell my kids its bedtime, then its bedtime and that is it. I take them to their room, tuck them in, give them a kiss and tell them goodnight. If they chose to sit there and cry for awhile, thats their business. Bedtime is when they need to go to bed and I dont play games with it.
I, personally wouldnt have treated it like punishment, just that it was time for bed and thats that. If they get up (without needing something substantial) then they know there will be consequences. We typically dont have a problem with it. And yes, the lights are off when they go to bed.

Develop a bed-time routine (pjs, read books, brush teeth, etc). Start earlier (my 2 & 5 y.o. go to bed at 7:30). I just think there will be less of a battle if there is a routine and they can predict what is going to happen next.

Do you have a bedtime routine? You need to put a 3 yr old to bed - bath, books, brush teeth, cuddle time, etc.
A 3 yr old cannot be expected to go upstairs by himself and just go to bed.
My 8 yr old would not even do that.

Introspect?
You want him to introspect?
He started walking approxiimately half a lifetime ago.
He's barely speaking in sentences longer than 3-4 words, if that.
And you think he's going to introspect?
Sighhhh . . .
Don't put a little kid in a dark room.
If he's not sleepy at bed time . . .
read a book with him
play some music for him
hold him on your lap and tell him stories
calm him down gently
Poor kid.

Ummm....no. I truly don't believe it is. I would NOT like to be left in a dark room by myself, under these circumstances. He was probably terrified. Honestly, I don't believe fear is an effective form of discipline. Fear does NOT instill trust, bonding, and respect. He will not introspect, or focus. He is scared. Have you ever tried to be introspective when you're scared? It is difficult, to impossible.
He is not crying bitterly. He is crying out of fear. I don't know what discipline you could implement, because I don't know how your house is run. Fear based discipline, is ineffective. It does not teach lessons...other then...if you do something I don't approve of, I will do something that you are scared of.

A parent should never discipline out of anger. They should cool off and come from a calm place. We tend to be harsh and mean when angry.

Discipline works best when it teaches the child how to behave. It would have been reasonable to put him to bed. You would be teaching him that when it's bed time you will put him to bed. IF you expect him to put himself to bed at age 3, you have an unreasonable expectation. He's not mature enough to do so.

At 3, your son is learning to be more independent. This is a difficult task which he's psychologically programmed to pursue just as learning to walk and talk were programmed into him. You didn't send him to his dark room when he kept stumbling and falling. You picked him up and helped him learn the next step. It's the same things now. He "stumbles" when he fights going to bed. Going to bed is a good thing. So help him go to bed. Don't punish him for doing what is normal for him to do. To want to help cut veggies.

He's too young to introspect. That is a higher brain function which his brain isn't capable of doing yet. Just as a baby is born unable to walk or talk because their body and brain are not mature yet, their brain is still maturing well into our early twenties. Your son felt abandoned and frightened by the darkness and your anger. He felt unloved by you and his very life depends on your love.

Children also learn best when they're taught with love. Yes, you love him but you didn't react to his desire to cut vegetable with love. You do seem to understand why he acted that way but then punished him anyway.

I suggest it would've worked best for you to be sympathetic with him. Tell him you know cutting veggies would be fun but it's bed time now, and put him to bed. He would have learned that bed time takes precedence over fun. Isn't that what you wanted him to learn.

I suggest that when you went in and turned on the light it would've been very good to have given him a hug. Again, reassure him that he's your loveable little boy who is naturally upset being in the dark.

It's normal for children at times to be extremely disobedient. Children are born not knowing anything. They are impulsive and unable to think thru situations. It's a parent's job to teach them how to behave, how to obey. We can only do that with patience and repetition. Eventually our children learn. When we punish instead of discipline they feel anger and sadness which makes them less likely to learn the lesson we want them to learn. He spent the time crying his heart out. He didn't understand what you were trying to teach him. He only knew that you were angry and upset with him.

If you'd calmly put him to bed, even tho he didn't want to go to bed, he'd have learned that bed time is bed time. You weren't feeling calm which meant you needed a "time out" before attempting to get him to bed. As parents we need to manage our emotions before we try to manage our children. How can we expect our children to behave when we don't behave ourselves?

The fact that you asked this question tells me that you do have a good heart and didn't intend to hurt your son this much. For the future keep in mind that your goal is to teach him how to behave and then fashion the discipline so that it reinforces the specific lesson of the moment. Also keep in mind that a toddler's brain is still undeveloped and he doesn't understand in the same way that you do. He is not disobedient on purpose. He's still learning.

Later in response to another post. Separation from Mom as discipline is damaging. We do not want to emotionally separate them from us and shutting them in a dark room is just that. A time out is separating them from the activity and giving them a chance to calm down. At 3 it's purpose is not to give them time to think about what they've done or not done. That is for the older child. As we put them in a time out or send them to their room, we must do this with love. We want our child to always know that they are loved and to feel our love even when we are disappointed. We use a firm voice that is free of anger and blame. We should be matter of fact. We are not trying to make them feel bad. We are trying to help them learn appropriate behavior.

I think it is really cruel to leave a child as a punishment in a dark room-alone. Most children have a fear of the dark at some point. He was probably very scared when he was left there and it won't teach him a lesson to listen to you- it will tell him that his mommy will abandon him if he does something wrong. If you want him to listen to you, get down on his level and speak softer and quieter so he has to lean in and listen to understand what you say. As far as a hug goes, of course you should give him hugs!!! Teach him how to do the right thing--but don't punish him like that- its too scary that way.
Molly

I'm astounded that you've been descended upon by a wolf-pack of perfect moms for asking a simple question. Apparently these ladies haven't had their morning coffee yet -- and apparently they have never, ever made a parenting mistake they regret.........YET.

You put your extremely disobedient son in a dark room at bedtime and let him cry. Hmm. I could tell you some stories of parenting mistakes I believe I made that would make you feel a lot better. But it would take me awhile.

If you feel this wasn't one of your better moments as a parent, then don't repeat it. Give your son a hug and move on. There will be more mistakes you'll make and regret. We learn as we go as parents. If you love your son and have his best interest at heart, then you'll both be fine.

I would advise against asking these perfect Mamapedia moms any more questions that involve a mistake you think you made. They are perfect and seem to relish the opportunity to rip people to shreds when they don't meet their stellar standards. Simply hateful in my opinion.

I would NEVER leave a small child in a dark room alone... IF you want him to go to bed.. then I think a better idea rather than waiting until it's already late is to begin dimming the lights ALL around the house at least an hour before bedtime.. this includes the t.v. and computers... this way, your child can begin to relax.. often, parents want their child to go to sleep asap when in some cases, it's just not possible... some children, let alone adults, need time to relax... with a t.v. and or other distractions on, this can be too much.... additionally, a nice warm bath, dimmed lights and a quiet household can definitely help a kid relax and possible go to bed on time..
also, limit sugar as that might help as well..

I think alot of the moms already said good things, but this was so harsh in my pov. I would hate to be put in a dark room alone. I'm sorry, maybe it's all the media but I started wondering if you hit him (silly what media does to you) sorry no offense to you. It sounded like you disciplined out of anger which we slip up and do sometimes but I'd be scared to death at this age to be left alone in darkness, wouldn't you?? It sounds like he burst into tears because he was horribly terrified.. I would've felt abandoned and so scared just because it was so dark. If he cries bitterly there's something WRONG and you need to give him some attention. Even if he's pushing you to the edge with disobedience positive reinforcement work alot better than fear punishments or negative reinforcement... I thought it was silly til I started doin it with my 2 yr old.
When I read it I started thinking of my brother's old babysitter when he was 2 she'd put him in a closet because her husband didn't like kids (frickin bad) but my mom stopped taking him cuz he'd freak out when she dropped him off.. anyways it made me think of that... how scary. Even if your not scared of the dark it's still scary. No offense but I wanted to hug your son.

Kids don't have introspecting skills (concrete operational skills) until they are 7.

Well if you put him in his bed, with a night light and told him he had to stay there, I think that is fine, I do that on a regular basis!!(Although I did emerge from my room tonight to get water only to find my three year old asleep on the couch!!) But if he was in total darkness in a time out, I wouldn't do that. Bedtime is for sleep and turning the lights out or low is normal. Discipline is not something I would want to equate with darkness. I try to make darkness a positive thing, to teach my son that when it's dark we can relax and get our rest. If it were me I would just say sorry ask if my son forgave me and then move on and not do that again. Time out in a chair accompanied by crying, with the lights on, I don't think would be a problem. But, nah, I wouldn't put my son on time out in the dark, I think that would be scary for him. Chalk it up to a learning experience and don't get to down on yourself, we all do things that we think better of later, it's life...Take care!

this is not an 'ALL OR NOTHING" question, there are other punishments you could have implemented, time out is effective, but not usually in the dark, and usually only for a minute per year age they are. I think your punishment was harsh.

This questions really bothers me. While you obviously care and love your son and are reaching out for help because you know you handled the situation in the wrong way, there are so many things about your question that worry me. Does your son put himself to bed alone at night? At 3? What does disobedient mean to you? He sound like he was acting age appropropriate to me. Instead of going off by himself he wanted to stay with you and do something you guys enjoy together so you punished him by putting him in an obviously terrifying situation. PLEASE get some parenting classes. What worries and really scares me is all those moms out there who do the same or worse who unlike this mom don't seek help. How many moms out there think what they did was ok since their kids were being bad and deserved it?

No, I think it's abusive. I go for the big hug.

Edit: In response to a post above: to call something "abusive" is not to say that T. B. is a child abuser or a bad mother. I freely admit I've done things in my parenting career that in hindsight I call abusive. Can we call a spade a spade, or do we have to pussyfoot around every inappropriate action done by parents in their understandable frustration over the really difficult job of parenting?

Is it correct that you told your 3 year old to go to bed and expected him to do this on his own? If so, that's the first mistake. I hope you will heed others' advice to start a bedtime routine with your child. I can't imagine expecting a 3 year old to pull himself away from something he wants to do and to go off to bed by myself. I am in my 40s and still have time getting myself to go to bed at a decent time! On the other hand, perhaps you meant that he'd already been put to bed and then came out wanting to help in the kitchen. That's different. It's just not clear from what you wrote.

Second thing to consider is, how did locking him in a dark room by himself HELP him learn? How did it HURT your relationship with him, and his trust in you? Discipline and structure are necessary, yes, but at 3, this may have been immensely frightening for him, especially at night, and especially because you apparently acted in anger.

Basically it sounds like you may be expecting far too much from a 3 year old. It's good you have doubts about how you proceeded. Listen to those doubts, read some good parenting books. Somebody recommended The Love and Logic books, which are great. I also recommend a basic child development book (there are plenty at amazon) so that you can better understand what to expect of kids at certain ages. Good luck!

Dear T. B,

I am reading an amazing book ''UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING" BY ALFIE KOHN. I know you are doing your best with the tools you have. When you leave him alone, you are essentially abandoning him and saying your love is dependent on his behavior. Please do hug him and talk to him. Would you not also want a hug no matter what???? Please consider getting this book.

Best of Luck to you.

So T....what you have learned is that putting him in a dark room was probably not the best decision and was mostly likely made in a moment of desperation. So from now on, start your bedtime routine. No one is perfect, but at least you sought advice of other mothers! Your child survived, he probably will not remember this moment. I have to agree...hug and love on him as much as you can, tell him how much you love him! Then tuck him in bed and go in every 15 minutes. You are a great mom!

9:30 is way too late for a 3 year old to go to bed. 7:30 is appropriate (or no later than 8:00). Your son might not have wanted to go to bed b/c he was overtired/wired from lack of sleep, since his bedtime is 9:30. Start putting him to bed at a 7:30 bedtime. He needs more sleep, and then he probably won't be so cranky at night and probably won't mind going to bed at his new 7:30 bedtime. I don't approve of how you handled the situation by putting your son in a dark room alone - that was very scary for him, obviously and it will only make your son resent you. Also, you cannot reason with a 3 year old. 3 years old is way too young to reason with.

Hi T.,

I had a very disobedient son at 3 yrs old. He was disobedient most days for weeks at a time, not just an isolated day here and there. This is what I learned from him.

First, it is never ever ever EVER a mixed message to comfort a child even when he has done something wrong. Kids are great a differentiating approval from comfort. So, if he is crying - even if he has done something terribly wrong - listen to your heart and comfort him. Love him unconditionally. You can and should address discipline, but set the pattern that mom is there no matter what happens.

Second, toddlers and preschoolers don't think like adults. If you approach them as adults, you make your job waaaay harder. Learn how to be playful. Learn how to have what you want to happen be inviting and fun. Once you get the hang of it, it's easy and fast. It's easier and faster than having a battle with someone who is immature. There's a book called "Playful Parenting" (your library will have it) or for more toddler specific, there are youtubes (and a book) by Harvey Karp.

Also, I want my kids to behave. However, I want them to behave because they have learned that this is the thing to be doing -- not because they are afraid of something I'm going to do to them. When they are misbehaving, they are telling me that they need more training and I follow through so that they do what they need to. Doing what they're supposed to do is what you want.

If you think about it, punishment is a way to get them to do what they should be doing. However, there are other ways - bribes (I don't suggest this), parent's consistency, teamwork, logic, fun....

I want my kids well behaved, AND I want my family to be close and love each other fiercely. I want my family to be THERE for each other. I don't think you get there with punishments.

My misbehaving kid is school age now and I get told over and over how well behaved he is. A three year old will get there - he just needs to mature a little and also needs you to teach and show him how to do it right! Everyone has a bad day. You can't expect perfection. However, continuous improvement is a great way for kids and grownups to live their lives.

Let us know what you think and write me if that helps!

I would not have left him in a dark room, because of how much some kids can be afraid of the dark, but I have put my daughter in "time-out" when she is really not listening to me and is out of control. Temper tantrums earn her a trip to her room, or another part of the house, where she can be alone and have a hissy fit all she wants, but I don't need to be her audience. I only reserve this for really off-the-wall behavior - like when she wants cookies for dinner and I've told her no for the 100th time and she starts to whine and scream and flip out. I figure she needs to learn that that kind of behavior will get her nowhere. And she has cried and cried when this has happened, but I just tell her when she can be nice and listen to mommy, she can come out - and within 5 minutes (usually less) she'll come out, say she is sorry, and I give her a hug and then she is all smiles and that's that.

Of course, this might be repeated at least once every day but I figure that is part of the learning process for kids this age - they will test boundaries constantly, just to see if and when and where you will give in. And sometimes you, as a mom, need that time-out because you are just so frustrated and fed-up with their behavior, and how persistent and relentless they can be (or at least that's how my DD is!), and it's got to be better than yelling at them, or spanking.

I suppose it just depends then on the intent, and what you are trying to gain from taking this action. And how you deal with it afterwards. Once my DD has calmed down and has apologized, I always tell her thank you, and how nice it is of her to say she is sorry, and explain to her why she can't just act that way to get her way. She generally has a much better attitude after that! But it's never in a dark room - just another room.

I would never put a child in a dark room alone. In a room alone -yes -many times, but the pitch dark scares a lot of kids. You want to punish in a way that will teach a lesson, so being put in a "time out" in a room or a corner is fine, but not in darkness. Also, there needs to be a time limit and it needs to fit the misbehavior. For a 3 year old, 3-5 minutes is a general rule. If you are going a bit beyond "time out" and actually sending the child to his room, then it can be longer, but it shouldn't just drag on and on. If it happens again, pick him up and take him to his room. Tell him -"I told you it was time for bed and it's late for you to be up, so we're putting on pajamas and going to bed." Get him in his pajamas and brush his teeth and put him to bed. He may cry or start whining, but let him know that when you tell him it's bedtime -it's bedtime. My 4.5 year old has meltdowns about it sometime, but he's still in bed when he's supposed to be.

The bigger problem here seems to be that it was 9:30 and you told him to go to bed but he "refused." Okay, does he have a regular bedtime? It's pretty helpful for small children to have a regular sleep schedule. My 4.5 year old goes to be between 8 and 8:30 every night unless it's some special situation and my 2 year old goes to bed at 7:00. The later they're up, the rowdier and more "wound up" AND ornery, tantrum-prone, etc. they become because they're tired. With a regular bedtime it's an established rule of the house -it's 8:00, so he knows it's bedtime and even if he balks at first, he knows he's going. Without a bedtime he knows there may be "wiggle room" depending on what he does to buy him some extra time.

Also, does he get himself in bed by himself? At 3 that's young!

***Just a note for everyone who seems to think all of us who don't like the "dark room" aspect of this are just horrible pushovers who never discipline our kids -she didn't say she put him in his bedroom! She said she put him in a "dark room" -never referencing it being his bedroom. There's a BIG difference in sending a kid to bed in his bedroom with the lights off as usual and him crying because he doesn't want to go to bed and in putting a kid in a random dark room and him crying because he's scared. BIG difference!

Sorry that instead of advice, you got a lot of rude responses...
We all make mistakes while parenting because it isn't easy. And it is easy to get frustrated and do things out of frustration.
Nex time, just take a few extra minutes to help him thru his issues. He is young and they don't understand our frustrations. He only understands his world and what revolves around him. Young ones need us to guide and comfort them.
Good luck.

.

I do not think placing a child in a dark room is a good idea. I cannot think of any reason he would need that as a natural consequence.

Children thrive on rules and schedules. It comforts them to know what happens next.
They will test you, just to make sure it is still the rule and because they like to see what they can push..Your job is to keep that schedule going.

If your son has a set time for bed every night, it is easier to say, it is your bedtime, just like last night and just like it will be tomorrow.

When our daughter asked to do something so specific like "cut vegetables".. I would have answered with , "I do not need that tonight, but remind me tomorrow and you can cut fruit for breakfast.". Or "Remind me tomorrow for lunch and you can cut the vegetables.." "Now lets get you into bed."

T.,

First, I'm not going to judge you being that I don't know you or your child. There are plenty of people here that are happy to tell you that you are wrong and/or insult you. You are merely coming here for advice not to be hen pecked. Consistancy is key; he will cry if he feels it will make a difference or if he feels afraid. You are there so you know best the difference. If you feel your punishment is harsh then change it and stay consistant; if you feel it is fine then stay consistant. There will be times when your son pushes the boundaries to see how far he can go and you need to stand your ground. In my opinion a child needs to know there will be negative consequences if he does something wrong otherwise he will be spoiled rotten and whether you decide to do it lights on or off is up to you. I hope this helps :-).

This is tough as 3 year old's tend to be striving for more independence, yet often defiant in the process. I've had many, many bedtime battles with my little one as well. Finally, I feel like we've come to the place where there is more understanding, and a lot less fighting.

To answer your question, I wouldn't leave your son in a dark room. For starters, to a child, that's probably very frightening. I do think that separation from mom after being disobedient to think about what they've done is acceptable. How long that separation should be, is up to you. Some suggest a minute per age of the child. I usually give my daughter (who is almost 4) about 5-10 minutes of separation (with no toys or objects to play with during that time).

Be firm, consistent, but loving in the process. If you punish in anger, it is unlikely that you will get a response that is pleasing. You may get a child that obeys just to avoid your wrath, but it will be unlikely that you have changed their heart attitude.

I am reading the book entitled, Child Wise. It deals with getting to the heart of a child in training. I have only just begun to implement some of the ideas and I have already seen a difference in my kids' behavior and attitude toward me when it comes to obedience.

My 3 yr old daughter is pretty defiant sometimes as well and trust me I know how frustrating it can be. I sometimes feel like mommy's should be able to have a time-out. The only advice I can give to you is definately start a bedtime routine. From the time both my kids were born we did the same routine every night. Bath, bottle, Teeth, book, bed. Then when they grew out of the bottle stage it was just bath, Teeth, book, bed. Book time is when we cuddle and have one on one time with eachother. Neither one of them has every been put in my bed so that's never been a problem. In my case, I never put them in their rooms for punishment because I feel that they may not want to willingly go to bed in there if that is where they were put for punishment earlier. I use time-outs all the time, I have a designated spot and when I say time-out, she knows where to sit. She sits for 3 minutes and then when the time is up and I have cooled down abit, I stand her up and ask her what she did wrong and if she can't tell me then I tell her. I tell her why it was wrong and she needs to say she's sorry and I love you and give me a hug and kiss and then always tell her you love her back. My younger child goes to bed at 7:00 and my daughter who is 3 goes to bed by 8:00 every night. There are definately times when she doesn't want to but you need to stand firm and keep your cool and the main thing is Consistency. Start doing the same routine every night and eventually they will know what's to be expected so it's not so much of a fight. I hope this has helped you a bit. hang in there, my Father always said the 2 hardest things in life are making marriages work, and raising children, boy was he right.

Make a bedtime schedule for him so he's going to bed at the same time and Mommy always tucks him in. If he gets out of bed, you just put him back in bed, don't talk to him. I always let my kids know when bed time is getting close, you guys have 30 mins until bed time then one or two more warnings before it's actually bedtime so they aren't thrown off when it's time for bed. Please don’t leave your son in a dark room alone. It will only scare him.

Three is a tough age. They are pushing their boundaries and it drives us nuts. I'm not sure if 3 is old enough to remember cause and effect (he stayed up/didn't listen to Mom = he get's left alone in the dark).
I couldn't take the crying. I've always been the great comforter and I can't just not comfort my son if he's crying. I'm a tender-hearted person, and my husband and son know it. My son is older (12 now), and he does get punishments and he understands consequences for his choices. He knows I always love him although I don't always love some of his choices. We talk, we listen and he usually sees the sense of how I see things. Although sometimes the answer is "Because I'm the Mama!" whether he likes it or not. He's a very good boy who would move mountains for me - he loves me absolutely. He loves Dad, too, but not like how he loves me.
Terrible 2's and 3's challenge us in ways we never dreamed of. They somehow push buttons we never knew we had. It takes some creativity and some trial and error to come up with what works best for you and your child (and this can vary with each kid, too). Don't be too hard on yourself.
You'll work it out.

Try giving him times. I started that with my son around three & it works best, for bedtime, leaving a playground or whatever. I tell him he has 5 minutes until he goes to bed. Then i give the 3 minute warning. Then I tell him he has one minute & thats when we pick up toys or anything that needs put away & then we go to bed. It's rarely a fight when we do it this way. It's like it gives him time to come to terms that he has to go to bed soon.

Give him a hug and tell him you're sorry, T.. Tell him you were wrong and that you'll never do that again. Next time you're struggling, think of two options, and do the kinder one.
It's ok to stop in the moment and try to fix a bad action. You lost your temper. Next time, stop, take a deep breath, think of a couple choices, and pick the nicer, more peaceful one.
Imagine that, instead of closing him in a dark room, you had snuggled him in his bed, promised to let him cut the vegetables in the morning, and told him a story or watched a movie till he fell asleep. It would have been better for both of you.

I don't agree with leaving a 3 year old in a dark room to "teach him a small lesson". I don't think it would teach him anything except to fear the dark and doing something to make Mommy angry. I'm sure you don't want your child to fear you or the dark (that will make bedtime even more difficult). I agree with the other posters that said it can help to take a minute to work through being frustrated at your child not listening before dealing with the situation. What I do and have taught my daughter when she's angry or frustrated is to close your eyes and take a few deep breaths in your nose and out your mouth. In fact my daughter's kindergarten teacher taught the class this technique she calls "hooking it up". They stand and cross their ankle, link their fingers together, and (it's hard to explain) twist their arms under and then up against their chests, close their eyes and take some deep breaths. The ritual of 'hooking up' their bodies and being able to kind of draw into themselves and breathe really seems to help calm frustrations. It works wonders with my daughter and I've even done it and it helps calm my emotions down.
If my daughter isn't listening I have no problem having her stand in time out. She can take the time to cry or tantrum or whatever in that corner and then when she's done time out starts. 5 minutes and then she's done (one minute per one year of age is my guideline). She's still where I can see her but she is removed from whatever was going on in the house.
As far as bedtime goes- we have a nightly ritual which lets her know it's time to calm down and bed is coming. We do jammies, hair brushed, teeth brushed, and potty. Then she gets in bed and we read a story, pray, kisses, and then snuggle down. Again, the ritual seems to help the transition and helps her calm down. If she gets out of bed for any reason other then potty it's always "okay we will deal with/ talk about it tomorrow. Good night" and I take her back to her room and in bed she goes. Not engaging at that time seems to be the key. She gets the point that it's bedtime and that's it. Maybe you can find a routine that will work for your family and help make bedtime easier.
Also, hugging your child is ALWAYS okay. I think the best thing you can do for your child is hug them and love on them. You can never love them too much. Get your hugs in while you can- pretty soon they are going to be teenagers and will think hugs from Mom are gross! LOL :) Good luck to you and your family.

It sounds like you made a misjudgment. It happens. I can't quite tell from what your wrote if he was upset at being in trouble or scared in the dark or both. My son is 4.5 and he hates to be alone. At 3 he would not do a time out in his room alone even in the daytime (even now he still fights being sent to his room). I think your consequence was too scary or difficult for him at this age. Try another variation of a time out. When I would get out of bed as a child my mom had me sit with them but facing the wall or facing away from the tv and people in the room. My son still doesn't like to be alone in the dark and has more than one night light. Most nights I have to sit in his room or just outside his door for him to settle down.

Another thing I notice with my son is his behavior is terrible when he is overtired (mostly disobedient, impulsive and hyper). If there is drama past bedtime one night then he gets put to bed earlier the next night ( he now knows this rule). I try to have it be an equal amount of time (he is up 30 minutes late he goes to bed 30 minutes earlier the next night) but it doesn't always work out perfectly.

Hi T.,

Ultimately, you are the parent so you make the decisions as to how you choose to discipline your child. I could be wrong but I am imagining your son was eating dinner at the dining room table so that wouldve been the light you turned off where he was sitting in the dark alone. Trust me...forgive yourself. If you felt that maybe that wasn't the best punishment for him then choose a different punishment if it should happen again. So he sat in the dark scared for a couple minutes. Guess what, he is going to have a lot of times in life where he is scared. Parenting is trial and error and EVERY parent makes mistakes. There is no perfect way to parent, you have to choose the best parenting skills for you and your household. Please do not let this situation keep you from correcting your child in the future. We correct our children because we love them and know what's best for them. As a mother, stand strong and confident in yourself as a parent. Did your son get attacked in the dark? No. Did he lose a finger? No. He's still all in one piece and just fine. Tomorrow will be another day to try again. Everyday as a parent is not only a lesson for the child but a lesson for the parent as well. Hope this helps. Take care and God Bless!

~T.~

Hi, T.:
Just a note of information:
When a child "doesn't listen" as you point out, he is reflecting a problem
within the family. If the child is not listening, then the parents aren't listening.

How are you listening to your child?
Just want to know.
D.

OMG!!!! Since when are we all perfect? T. is asking for help and advice. She is not having fun by disciplining her child. The problem with the children in this society, is that, they don't get disciplined enough! I also don't like the dark room thing much and I will tell you why. When my daughter who is now 4, was 2, her father (who is no longer in the picture) locked her up in a dark room as punishment. She is traumatized till this day. She can't stand closed doors or dark rooms. She literally freaks out and screams. She has to sleep with me, have me put her to bed, and does not want to be alone. Parents who are caring WILL discipline their children. The manner in which you do is up to you. I think we are all concerned mothers or else we would not be on Mamapedia getting advise from other moms. I rather discipline my daughter now, than wait for the police, her boss, strangers, to do it for me later on. I am her mother, and I know what is best for her to the best of my abilities. I have been brought to tears with some of the responses from some moms on here. Cast the first stone if you are free of sin!!!! Keep doing your best because I have no doubt you love your son! HUGS!

I only read a few of the responses and didn't see any mention of the time that you were sending him to bed....could he have been OVERtired and that's why he was "disobedient"? Remember that 2-3 year olds need a good 10 hours of sleep at night (and that's if the take good naps during the day-longer if they don't) I won't comment on the dark room other than to say that I don't agree with that....I think that the best thing to do when you're frustrated and angry with your child is to take a few minutes to calm yourself and then deal with them in a calm manner. Children need guidance on what they SHOULD do, not just what they cannot do-as a matter of fact, that type of positive discipline has been very effective for my 2 year old....Not only does this help you with your situation but it teaches your child how to react in different situations...remember, children learn what they live......

Just wanted to send some support your way. We have all been in your situation, and done things out of anger. This is certainly not "abusive" as some people have called it. Ignore the person who said you need parenting classes. I'm sorry that other moms have chosen to vilify you instead of offering advice.

You obviously love your son very much and are doing your best to be a good mother. Remind yourself of that and don't listen to the naysayers that are trying to make you feel bad about yourself.

T. I wouldn't worry about some of the horrid things ppl are saying to you. Some of these people are just push overs and will do anything other then punish their child if they do something bad. Hence the reason why so many kids are trouble makers. I don't believe in reading a stupid book to solve my problems with disciplining, to me that's a cope out. Although I don't agree with leaving him in a dark room, if he is pushing you and being defiant do like one of the other posters said and just stay consistent with a punishment.Children at that age think they are going to miss out on things so they push to stay awake longer. Make a set bed time, 9:30 is late in my eyes lol only because when I was that age we had to be in bed by 8:30. Talking to your son can help too, but sometimes you need to discipline. Don't feel bad about doing it.
When I was about 6 or 7 my sister and I shared a room, when it was bed time we would come out all the time so my mom put a latch out side our door and locked us in but she would unlatch it before bed. After a week of doing this my sister and I thought the door was locked even though it wasn't. They had taught us to stay in our room during naps and bed times. I am not saying do this to your son lol I am just sharing a family experience. I wish you the best of luck and sorry so many people are just lecturing or criticizing you instead of giving advice.

Please dont do this. He will have a permanent fear of the dark. I know from experience :(

Most of the responses here are really interesting, I have read post where women allow their babies to CIO at night to get them to sleep and here you put your 3 year old in his room at night and you get slammed for it.

It was probably bedtime anyway since you said it was 9:30. My kids didn't go to bed early when they were that little either. Unless the room was pitch dark with the door shut I don't think you are wrong.

I agree that kids need a bedtime routine and at 3 they don't think about consequences. Funny a lot of adults have this problem. I think time outs are ok though they never worked for my kids.

I would immediately set up a bedtime routine and implement it tonight. Also I think you need to think about how you want to discipline before something happens so you have a plan and your child knows what to expect from you. Good luck!

I'm just going to say that 9:30 is a bit on the late side to keep a 3 yr old up..How do you expect a 3 yr old to follow through a simple task being tired & disobedient already & possible have no night time schedule do you have one I know it was the Holiday weekend and almost everything goes out the door during these times but try to implement them as you can during these busy days/times.Was he in his bedroom where you didn't have his night light on & just left him to cry it out after tucking him in bed because he just wouldn't listen & continuely wanted to stay up I don't see anything wrong with doing so after hugs & kisses time for bed tuck you in I do it everyday with all 3 but when mine act up throw a fit I tell them to keep it in your room it is now bedtime time to settle down because there isn't anything you can do no more play time no more outside no more etc... so I then leave the room my son is 7 he hasn't used a night light since he was 3 my daughter is 3 still uses a dim light in her room but there is always a lamp on that leads out of their rooms into the dining room so there not in pitch black darkness.He was already upset that it was bedtime he was already tired the only thing left that he did was cry & try to get his way by doing so so for he can stay up longer leaving his room was fine I do give hugs but at the same time is it teaching them that their behavior was acceptable after their punishment (whatever that may of been) or does it show love for your child as we see it.I also do the corner time outs simply becasue they have outgrown the time out bench we still use it but for more untolerated behavoir we will use the corner...Last nght is over with enjoy your day as it is today keep an open mind on future punishments & how to handle them

When you tell him to go to bed is he expected to just put himself to bed without your help? I can understand at age 3 why he might not be willing to do that. Perhaps you could bring him to his room and read him a story or two and then tuck him in. It might make him less likely to be defiant at bedtime. He will have spent time with you, winding down. It's win/win.

One person mentioned that parenting books are a "cop out," and I just wanted to say that none of us were given a manual teaching us how to be good parents. Those of us who read parenting books are looking for different perspectives on parenting so that we can borrow ideas, tips and tricks, as well as maybe learn a thing or two about why kids behave the way they do. It's certainly not a cop out. There is nothing wrong with trying to be a better parent through reading, asking questions on mamasource, talking to friends/family, it's all the same. I wonder if that same person also thinks that reading books to learn about science is a cop out. best of luck.

To answer your question directly....give him a hug instead:)

I have done it, not always the best way, however the longest was about 30 min. One thing I have learned along the way is that not all kids can deal with immediate transitions, like mine he needs "guidance" into the next thing. Not what you were looking for exactly I am sure. However I do not think less of you or think you a bad mother or person.

It sounds like a bad day, and I commend you for wanting to do the best job that you can as a mom. We all know it is a very difficult job. I think you have to distinguish between bedtime and discipline. Going to bed is not discipline, it's just a part of everyday routine, and it is a good thing to ensure that our children get enough sleep, as you said. You did not elaborate on the disobedience but it sounds like a pattern of several things had happened over that day and you finally lost it. It might be helpful to think of discipline and consequences, not punishment. Punishment is just something bad gets done to you. Discipline is first of all teaching what the right behavior is. Then when there is disobedience, there are consequences to that disobedience, and that is a learning moment for the child as well. I think first here you have to restore your relationship with your son this morning. Talk about how both of you had a bad day yesterday, that he did not do everything right but neither did you, and give lots of hugs and forgiveness to each other. Your love is never conditional on how he behaves. When both of you are ready you can talk about what the basic rules are in your house. At age 3, it might be, be kind, listen to mommy and daddy, and no hitting. You might even write them down on a big piece of paper and post it. Although he can't read them, the paper is still a visual reminder. When he breaks the rule, remind him of the rule once. He he does not listen, remove him from the situation. Althoguh time out has it's place, what might be better for him is time in, where he comes to be right next to you when he has trouble behaving. He gets that reassurance and connection with you when he needs it. It migh look like just sitting with him on the couch, or him on your lap, until he is ready to behave. If he's not really upset and out of control, just a little bump in his behavior, a technique that works great is practice. For example, oh it looks like you are having trouble remembering to come when mommy calls you. Let's practice. and then 5 or 6 times have him go back and then come to you. This should not be done in a mean way, you can even make it fun, like, now come like an elephant

try time out instead and once that's done do your normal bedtime routine. hope this helps.

It's not clear from what you wrote, but had you all ready put him to bed when this happened? If so, then just carrying him back to bed (possibly over & over) is what is needed.

If he's putting himself to bed at night, well, heck, no kid is going to do that....and my suggestion THEN is for you to give him a bath, cuddle, put him in bed, read him a sweet story, and say good night.

Our oldest (6 yo) is in bed by 8 almost every night. Our 2.5 yo is in bed at 7 most every night. We follow the same routine nightly, even if we get a bit off schedule, so they get into "bedtime" mode.

And honestly, I think we have done a pretty crappy job of "sleep-training our kids", and still, this works once they are ~ 18 months -24 months old.

What works best for me is to establish a routine and consistently stick to it. I let them cry for a few minutes, but if they continue I go in and ask them what's wrong. Sometimes they can tell you but at three most of the time they cannot. Then I tell them it is time for bed, give a kiss, and I leave. If they still cry, I wait about 5 minutes then go in this time I just say night night, kiss, and leave. If this is not working, I sleep on the floor in their room and get up when they finally go to sleep. They do not get to leave their room other than for the bathroom and they sleep in their own room. My kids sleep on their own in their room with no problems and crying about 95% of the time.

T., I really think that's too late for a 3 year old to be up, and that he is too young to put himself to bed. At bedtime, he should be put to bed/tucked in by a parent. He should know when bedtime is and expect to be tucked in with a story. He didn't need to be punished, he needs a reliable bedtime routine and you need to be in charge of it. At 9:30 at night, he didn't need to be taught a lesson for being disobedient all day. If he is put to bed at an earlier time consistently, he may behave better because he has a routine and is not overtired. Even at 3 years old, he should know that 9:30 at night is not a meal prep time or a free play time, it's time to be in bed. Bedtime should be a normal part of the day, and not a punishment

Well, why a DARK room? isn't it enough just to put him in his room?

I would not leave him in the dark, I would work through it with him by talking with him and telling him what you want to happen, i just think this way is more constructive. And after talking with him and explaining what you want him to do, give him a big hug and a big kiss.

If you were putting your son to bed and he's not asleep yet before you leave the room, do you keep his bedroom light on or do you turn off the light? I turn off the light. If the room that you are talking about is a familiar space like his bedroom or your bedroom, then I wouldn't really worry about the effect of him being in that particular room with the lights out because, chances are, he's probably been in that room before without the lights on before. But, if the room that you are talking about is actually a unusal and confined space like the pantry or a closet, well, that is not cool at all.

Chances are, given your son's age, the fact that it was 9:30 and time for bed, and the fact that he was trying to stay up and engage you as much as possible he was either crying because either his batteries finally wore out (he's beyond tired) or he wants to be with you and not left alone in some dark room (his bedroom or any other room) and throwing a fit can be a very effective means for getting your way.

Hope this puts a little perspective on your situation. Have a nice night.

He needs structure/routine. My child is just one and when it's time for bed, I TAKE HER TO THE ROOM, and read a book, she takes it, fiddles with it, puts it down and I pick it up and continue reading until it's finished. After the book, I will sing her favorite nursery rhymes. She likes that and seems to know when we retreat to the bedroom, it's bedtime. No fuss. As for your son, give him variety so he can enjoy doing other things with you besides cutting veggies. It seems he's too conditioned to one thing that probably doesn't take place everyday. Consistency is key. It will take a few days, a couple weeks at most, but you will get their together.

My 1st thought was, "he'll be ok". But honestly, I have 2 & 1 on the way, I never let them cry out anything. (unless I know it's going to be a :short cry") My 2yr old doesn't like going to sleep she fights it! So, I put her in bed with us & close my bedroom door so she can't leave the room. She gets up every so often and walks around in the dark. But we pretend to snore. lol. Eventually, she gets back in bed & falls asleep! (my bed is close to the floor)..
But I think it only works because we are right there with her. It's been my experience that it's hard to get toddlers to do something unless you're doing it too..
Good luck.

I think a dark room is not good for a three year old not only are they scared but they can get hurt if they try to get out of the room some of the other people said a earlier bed tiime i think that is a good idea and if he asks to help cut veggies tell him "how about we do it tomorrow you can be mommis special helper" all kids are going to be defiant at sometime you just have to be patient and try not to lose your temper i know sometimes thats hard to do but take a couple deep breaths i think a routine would be good if you dont have one i hope this did not seem rude if it did im sorry wish you luck

I strongly disagree with a lot of these ninny moms on this page. The First Lady that answered your question answered it best. Bedtime means bedtime be stern be consistent. Brush teeth go potty, Yes ideally you'd read them a book first but some parents allow a bedtime video (I know that's not reccomended for various reasons) but let's be real, on a day to day basis sometimes parent bend the rules on the textbook reccomendations. Maybe you have a big meal to prepare, work to do or prepare for your job, you need to clean the house, maybe you have other kids or a spouse that needs tending to. If your kid blatantly disobeys you, they need some sort of consequence. You can reward them for good behavior later when they strighen up their act. You want to avoid angry knee-jerk reactions, just calmly say "I asked you to go to bed and you disobeyed me, so your lesson tonight is to have a time out in your room for a few minutes before bed with the lights out." Now they've been warned, they understand why this is happening. Sure maybe they are afraid of the dark at that age but the thing is you have to find out what they don't like, and incorporate some elements of that into their time out. In reality they are just learning the hard way that in fact the dark really isn't that scary. After a few minutes you could say see it was dark and nothing scary happened right? Explain to them it's all in their imagination, and learning to cope with the dark is a brave skill for a child to have and you're really proud of them for overcoming their irrational fear of the dark. I feel like some of these parents writing in on this topic are scared of the dark themselves lol. Anyways maybe some textbooks and child psychologists could tell you otherwise but in my opinion what works is, figure out what your child likes and doesn't like. When they behave well, give them more of what they like (provided its not candy or something horrible for them). And adversely when they behave bad give them a little of what they don't like. Maybe it's to go to their room with the lights out (my toddler had their own little Olaf pillow that lights us anyway so it's never completely dark) maybe it's taking away a privledge like videos, or a snack or yummy desert (make sure to offer them left overs if they don't finish their meal) maybe their punishment is to clean up their toys, maybe it's to write their name ten times on a piece of paper, most of the time IMO it's about taking something away, and turning the lights off is fair game IMO if it's just for a few minutes and you explain why, they should just have to deal with it. Essentially they are overcoming an irrational fear, the same way some people learn to swim for the first time by being pushed in the water. The same way someone would stand by in that case to pull you out of the water. You're going to stand by during this time to make sure they don't hurt themselves or break anything in a temper tantrum. And when it's all over you can comfort them and if they've cried all this time, chances are they are exhausted by this point and sleep very soundly after that...

How do you usually put him to bed, why didn't you try that first?

no. this teaches your child you will revoke your love if they are disobedient.
also dark is a huge fear for kids so it reinforces thier fears. A time out can be in the corner or on the step or on a specific chair. Tell the child if they don't obey they will be in time out. If they disobey quietly lead them over to the time out spot. Tell them they cannot leave that spot until the timer goes off. Set the timer 1 minute for ever year they are. I do allow a personal comfort item--blanket or teddybear so that my child can calm herself down. This is what they need, training on how to take a step away, calm themselves down and make a good decision. When the timer goes off go back to them. Ask them to tell you what they did wrong and ask them if they are going to follow directions now. Then tell them you love them and go on. Bedtime rules can be done similarily but the focus is not on punishment but rather on choices and losing or gaining opportunities. 9:30 for a 3 year old is quite late bedtime so you might try moving his bedtime up so he is at his best when you do ask him to follow your directions. Also bedtime is a good time for learning to do some parts--brush teeth, pick out books, put on pjs....but the actual going to the bed, turning out light and going to sleep ought to be a routine that is done with a parent. A 3 year old is not old enough to self soothe and will need your training to climb into bed and be reassured they are loved, and this is what is best for them. Good luck. Check with a parenting group, love and logic seminar, or doctor in your area :)

I always choose talking to a child over punishing. Have you considered asking him exactly what was bothering him? Offer suggestions on how to fix the problem. Try to give your child the same respect you would give a friend or neighbor. That's rarely done but reaps great results.

I cannot imagine posting this myself. Let alone, doing it. You just showed him that you are willing to abandon him at any time for anything. Thats how he felt and he just may remember this forever. I wouldn't be surprised!

I leave my children alone in a dark room all the time...I call it "bedtime".

I have found the best "time-out" is often making them stand in the middle of the room while everyone else continues what they were doing as if this statue were not in the middle of the room. There is something more effective about a time-out in a public space (i.e. living room or kitchen) because if they have a time out in their room they can play or lie down...

But in your specific situation...I would wonder if he needs to go to bed earlier? Unless of course your schedule allows for him to sleep in until 9:00-10:00am in which case, 9:30pm bedtime sounds fine.

Your child is 3 years old, stop and think before you do anything as stupid as shutting him in a dark room. How old are you? Do you ever disobey, speed,don't signal when passing,ect? A child learns through whatever we choose to teach with, teaching him or her with fear, he learns to be afraid, frustrated, and defensive, if we choose thoughtful loving discipline with lots of patience, then they learn as they should, they learn to obey , respect, and trust with confidence in the parent. What you have accomplished with this punishment is a little boy who is not sure of you and is afraid of his bedroom and probably the dark.
Next time try talking gently but firmly what you want them to do and why, perhaps a time out when all else fails and a rule of thumb, time wise, use 1 minute for each year old, hence 3 minutes of time out for a 3 year old
works much better and healthier
Good luck

you comfort him. 9:30 should be your bedtime, not his. his should be 7. he is 3 years old. after some time they get cranky from being tired. leaving him in a dark room, crying his heart out? that's cruel. get a night light. don't scare him like that. what was the point?