Dear trusty Mamapedia folks,
our 3 year old has had these rather infuriating behavior issues, which we have not managed to figure out/deal with. He is a flip/flopper! He tells us he's finished with his dinner, but once we clear the plates and toss the food he's left on his plate, he yells that he wasn't finished with it. Same thing with brushing his teeth. He has a go on his own and then we follow-up (or vice versa), but once we're at the rinsing stage he screams that he wanted to brush his teeth. He does that with a lot of things, for example: he asks for apple juice and once he gets it, he immediately says he wanted orange. You give him orange juice and demands apple juice. Once we get to this point there is absolutely no reasoning with him and he gets more and more upset. We try to remind him that he has made his choice and that he needs to stick with it, but he works himself up into a total melt-down. Most of the time we do not give into his demands (I do not cook a second meal for him when he claims he was not finished with his food). But it seems that no matter how we handle it, he keeps doing it. What is the deal with him and how do we make this stop? Thanks!
My kids would do that and my youngest at 9 sometimes still does but he doesn't eat a lot at a time. With him if he does not finish it it goes in the frig and if he got hungry later he can finish what was on his plate. I don't make him anything new.
When you pick up his plate and discard the left over food, then dinner is done. He leaves the table. And if he's throwing a tantrum, he goes straight to his room, PJs and good night! Don't play into it. No empathy, no sympathy, no nothing. Just matter of fact "since you are acting like that, get down from the table, put your PJs on and I'll be in to say good night." No anger; just matter of fact. And then follow through. He will figure it out REAL quick. Same with anything his opposite about. He wanted to brush his teeth, oh well. Maybe tomorrow. Walk away. No attention to the tantrum, just matter of fact and move on. When he doesn't get what he wants and in fact gets NO reaction at all, he'll stop this behavior and figure something else out!
We had a little issue like this with my stepkids during visits. I stopped it by setting ground rules. The other response is correct in asking yourself if you're encouraging the behavior. What does he get when he pitches a fit. Regarding juice - if he said apple he gets apple or water. Two choices. It sounds like he's trying to be controlling and it needs to be nipped in the bud. We had an issue with slow eating - esp. for breakfast. I set a timer and when it went off all food was taken away. At first, it was shocking - but they didn't take 45 min. to eat a bowl of cereal anymore. If he has to melt down a few times - it will just have to happen. Difficult but there won't be as many after that.
You need to look at what happens when..... Like when he is finished with his dinner and it is tossed do you make him something new?
What is for sure is he is getting something he wants out of the behavior because kids want to be good. When they are bad they are in it for themselves.
You need to sit down and figure out what happens next, then why he wants that.
You end it by not giving him whatever he is having the melt down to get. Don't worry he will try something new at that point, kids are clever.
We found that it was most effective to deal with the behavior, not the reason. As in, it has nothing to do with the food etc. Therefore, not giving in, is really not the point, and not firm enough, if he's still getting away with the fit. We didn't allow fits. Period. Now our third child and most temperamental child of ALL is two. She no longer throws fits due to lots of discipline, but she still has a fiery temper and will get "mad" if someone takes something away or whatever, but the FIRST thing we do is remind her "no fits" before she starts escalating. She knows the next step wouldn't be pretty for her, so she pipes down immediately and then we deal with the "reason" she's upset. if it's because she wants something and it can be resolved fine, or something she can or can't have, fine, but no matter what happens, no fits. Fits meaning crying and getting more and more upset-not allowed. The world stops immediately until she checks it, then we proceed.
Soon enough, if you dont' allow the fits, they quit the battles, because the fits aren't an option and they'll just listen to what you say and think before they talk-or at least they'll think once you've warned them to nip the fit. 3 is not too young for logic and self control, my 3 and 5 year olds are way past this. Discipline the fits firmly, and the rest will fall gracefully into place.
Sounds like a normal 3 year old that wants to control his surroundings. We went through it. Horrible. Consistency and making him stick to his decision. Do not stand around to witness his tantrums. Tantrums need an audience. It is not as much fun if you are having a meltdown by yourself.
tough one! i would offer him the choice "do you want orange juice or apple juice?" THEN ask him one more time before you give it to him, "Are you sure? you may not change your mind once i fix it!" and then simply stick to it. maybe warning him ahead of time that he won't get to flip flop (and following through on that) will nip it in the bud. also when the tantrums start, straight to his room. the rest of the family does not need to be subjected to that. good luck!
He is trying to figure out who is in controll and to him these little things means he is in control!!! Thats to much for a little one to handle and thus the melt down. Or at least thats what I have been told.
How to deal with this. As far as the dinner issue., have him clear his own plate and dump it in the trash (or however you handle your finished plate) right along side with you. Some what teaching him to clear his own plate.
When he pitches a fit send him to his room for time alone time out. Until he calms down. If after about five/ ten mins he is not calming down or the fit is getting stronger go in and help calm him down. Explaining to him that this is not the reaction that he is suppose to display. There is a good way and a bad way of handleing situations and he needs to make the right choices.
Our kid does the same thing! I believe it is a power struggel and he is trying to see what he can get away with.
As far as the juice if he compalins once he gets it I usually say you asked for this and that is what i got you if you dont want it you dont have to drink it but i am not getting anything else.
My 3-year old is doing the same thing and it's driving us batty. I think his mind is overloading him on wanting to be independent. Within the last month, everything is a struggle and "No!" or "I'll do myself" seem to be the only constant coming out of his mouth. He's really showing it in the areas of food (just like your son) and in not wanting to wear whatever I have out for him.
I have found by "helping" him to be independent we have prevented the same meltdowns you're having. And those that we don't prevent, we simply ignore or have him go to timeout if he's out of control.
Try this at meal time:
When he's done, tell him to be a big boy and put his plate in the sink. This allows him to control his "i'm done". If he then says he's not done, say no problem, just finish your meal. But tell him that he needs to be finished with his meal with y'all are finished with yours.
When he back tracks on his own choices like the example you have listed above of him choosing apple juice then saying he wants OJ instead; again, say "no problem! as soon as you drink the apple juice you asked for then you can have OJ".
And as hard as it is, it really IS a battle of wills at this age. Just stick to your guns....but most importantly, let him make as many choices as you can.
This sounds kinda like my 2 1/2 yr old daughter. She is very strong willed and changes her mind in an instant - she will nibble a little from her plate, say she's done, then an hour later wants to eat again.I typically do not give in & keep telling myself that it's a phase she's going through. Of course both parents have to see eye to eye and not give in together! Good luck and hopefully it's just a phase for both of us! :)
