Whining 3 Year Old

I have a 3 1/2 year old boy who does the whining thing also and it drives me crazy. I think he picked this habit up from some of the kids at school because he is my only child. I also think it is a phase that kids go through because I have noticed many children his age do the same thing. It will pass in a matter of time but continue to let her know that whining is unacceptable and will not get her what she wants. Best wishes to you and you're wonderful family.

You are right to be concerned so don't let anyone patronize you for it. Know also that you are obviously going to have less tolerance being hormonal.

It is sexist to allow a girl to cry and whine as a way of communication but not think it normal for a boy.

Anyway, gotta get over my upset to some of the responses you got. Here is my concrete advice- You must consistently address it. Get down to her eye level, touch her shoulders if you need to, and ask her to use her words. Remind her what the clear words are i.e., "Mommy, could I please have more bread." And you do not let her go until she repeats back that clear verbal communication. If she refuses and has a meltdown instead, you say "Okay, mommy can see that you are upset and need to cry right now. So go to your room (bed, chair, "spot"), cry with your teddy (or whatever) and come back to mommy when you are ready to use your words. And you STICK to your GUNS about it, not matter what she pulls. If she sees you're serious she will hate it and may intesify her crying at first, maybe even make herself sick, but she'll be doing it to test you. You must remain calm, instruct or help herself get cleaned up, and repeat your rhetoric.

This is SUCH an important developmental stage for her to learn healthy/un-healthy communication and of course testing you. It IS going to be exhausting for you, but I promise you it will not last forever if you hit it hard now. She'll intensify at 1st but within a week or two you will see a complete difference. The only exception is if she is verbally delayed and needs a speech therapist. I can't tell that from what you've shared so that's up to you to decide on. As far as her saying she's "tired" and just wants to go to bed, etc. To begin with, think about where she is hearing that from. Sounds like you and your husband are hardworking and have probably let that slip around each other for X responsibility. Try to address it between you not to set an example that being tired is an excuse to complain or not do a responsibility.

Next, you directly respond to that with her. Again, very important to take the time to get on her eye level. This communicates more than anything how serious you are (versus ending up w/ a frustrated tone or pitch). And you validate her feeling "mommy hears you, I know that you are tired, mommy is tired to, but we both need to do what we have to do" and if you need to, throw in a pitch about how it is what is "fair." Kids gravitate to the concept of fairness like bugs to a light. So you acknowledge her feelings, direct her to still do what she has to and remind her that it is what's "fair" for her to clean up her toys if you're washing the dishes (etc.).

I know I said earlier to watch for it in yourselves (expressing that you're tired) and now I said to use it, but it really is all about how you use it. I hope this is helpful, maybe it is a bit much to say and a bit much for you to take it- I'm not sure. But I am a mental health therapist so it's why I"m aware of all these things and what they mean and how to help people with it. I am of course, also a mom. I have a little girl also and although she is only 13 months old and barely has a handful of audible words, I already put this advice into practice. I'm not crazy enough to expect her to repeat all the right sounds to "mommy can I have a bite please" but I hold her to it until I hear "mama agghh baba yumm yumm yumm mama." so that she understands the concept that whining and crying are not the way to get your way.

Anyway, my best wishes to you. Feel free to contact me if you want me to expand or clarify anything. -N.

My toddler whined, and it was very much a manipulation tactic. We instituted a way to ask nicely for something, and taught her how to say "please may I..." When we started the Please May I method we absolutely did not respond until she asked nicely (and told her she had to ask nicely). We made it a bit of a game, so when she used the Please May I words, she got all smiles and the whine-monster left. Otherwise we went about our own business. And if it got too emotional on her part, then "you must be tired, time for a nap" or even a time out until she got herself under control.

You child my respond differently (and if she does abandon this idea), but when she says "I'm tired I can't clean" then try "uh-oh, if you're that tired, you need to go to bed right this minute" and make motions to take her straight to bed. That almost always works for my kidlet! (And if it doesn't, she's practically falling asleep on her feet, so I'm OK with skipping the cleanup at that point.)

Dear M.,

Has your daughter had any kind of change or transition in her life -- say, a new babysitter or daycare situation, a new sibling, changes to her schedule, etc.? My son, who's a little younger than your daughter, went through a two-week whining and clinging phase when my husband traveled a lot this summer -- drove me bonkers. But once our routine settled down, my son did too.

I agree with the other moms that you shouldn't reward whining. Some parents even say "I can't understand you when you use that voice" and only respond to a "nice voice." However, I'm not sure it makes sense to only think of this as attention-getting behavior. It's also important to look for the root cause -- transitions, stress, not enough sleep, etc.

Finally, I also think it's important for us not to whine AT our children. Please don't take this the wrong way -- I'm not saying you're a whiny person -- but I think every parent at some point says something like "Honey, will you pleeeease just quiet down for a miiiiinute so i can hear myself thiiiiink?" And children very quickly pick up that that's what frustration sounds like.

Hi M.,

Just from a quick read, what stuck out to me is that she gets the most of your attention because you can't take the winning. She obviously knows this and is using it to her advantage. My daughter used to whine a lot and I found that if I don't acknowledge the whining she stops. I always say, not when you whine, ask me the right way or I don't understand you when you whine, please talk so I can understand you. Reward her for good behavior and her siblings. When she sees her her siblings getting attention for good behavior she may follow along. Also repeat what she says, I understand you are tired, but it is important to clean up after yourself. When she stops getting the attention for the whining, she will try to get your attention through positive ways. Also just a thought maybe a sticker chart would help to reward good behavior.

I know the whining can be very trying, but if you try to ignore it, it will eventually stop.

Good Luck,
J.

Hi M. I
How are you doing today?
Sounds to me like you have given in to your daughter because you hate to hear her whine, fuss, or cry. The fact is, if nothing is wrong with her medically. I am assuming also that she can talk, and doesn't need to whine, fuss, cry to let you know she needs attention. Then I think you have caused her to cry, whine, and fuss more by giving in. Now at 2 or before they are able to speak that is fine because that is their means of communication. By 3 you and most others should be able to understand her, so my suggestion is to stop understanding cry, whine, fuss. Tell her "I am sorry, but I only understand talking" "You will have to talk in words now that you are 3 because I don't understand cry, whine, fuss." Then ignore it, block it out. Whatever you want to do to not answer it.
Keep doing that til she understands she must use her words, otherwise she continues to use whine, cry, fuss as a means of getting her own way, which includes being disobedient.
I used that method also to loose the "twin language" when my twins were learning to talk, adding the word "real" It even works when a group of children begin to cry, whine, or fuss. They will use words if they know they have to use them.
Kids learn emotions as they age, and they don't have words for emotions. I remember distinctly dropping off our younger son at college, when the twins were 3. "Sad" was not a word in their vocabulary, but when we left him there, she had the saddest face and looked at us and said"No, mommy I am not happy" the poor little lady, she really did not know what she was but it was not happiness.
I truly believe if you were dealing with something more serious like depression the MD would recognize that, but it never hurts to mention these things so MD can check to see. You are the child's spokesman, and the MD does not know that the child is not walking, talking, laughing, etc unless you tell them.
God bless you and your family
K. SAHM married 38 years adult children 37,coach entrepreneur; 32 lawyer married and gave us our first grandchild this summer; twins are 18 and in college themselves this year and the one that was so sad dropping off her brother absolutely loves living in the dorm. The other is commuting about an hour to school, and enjoying the experience after homeschooling.

Hi M.,

My daugther cried a lot and still cries a lot. I think it is a girl thing. Boys get underline dissaproval from society at large if they cry too much. No one tempers girls tears unless it is the mother. No one mines the tears and most men bend to a little girls tears. And they look so cute doing it.
My daugther use to hold my face with her little hands and cry into my face - snot flying. When I won't let her do that, she followed me around crying and it worked (for a while) that's why they do it and continue to do it. I made her stop. How? If she cried whatever it is she wanted she automatically did not get until she behaved like a big girl.

If you watch the mtv reality shows the young girls cry A LOT. As soon as they don't get what they want they burst into tears. And both the moms and dads give in. You see the woman they're trying to be and the little girls inside of them that they still are.

Even now if I get upset at my husband and begin to cry he gives in. Its a weapon that must be yeilded with care. If you do it too often it looses its effectiveness.

BUT, my nephew cried a lot for a quick second. My husband was so appalled. With little boys crying and grown men bus drivers, strangers will go, "You're a big boy why are you crying - stop that. Men don't cry." It worked, my nephew was shamed into not being a cry baby, but for our little girl my husband says, "Let her cry it out." And than he wants to buy her ice cream or something.

My 4 year old daughter is going through the same thing. She will cry for seems to be forever over nothing. There are days where she just is more likely to cry over everything than other days. It is incredibly frustrating and can drive me crazy. I have tried to be very empathetic to her and help her learn to express her feelings more clearly. We bought some feelings books because I genuinely believe that she is just using crying and whining to express herself. She has gotten better and is crying less. Try to assume that she is trying to express some sort of feeling and help her identify what the feeling is instead of just whining and crying.

If your daughter is not sick and nothing is wrong...Whining is a great way of getting attention...even if it's a negative way of getting attention.

My suggetion is to spend some quality alone time with her, doing things she might enjoy....giving her more positive attention.

With a new baby on it's way, she might be feeling insecure about her place in the family unity....that the baby will get all your attention instead of her. You might want to talk positive to her about her becoming a big sister. HOw you are going to need her help with the baby etc. There are children books on the subject you might want to read to her.

It is a phase and will end eventually. My son did the exact same thing, crying over all and everything...Drove me nuts and it seemed to happen the most when I was pregnant. He is 2nd of four...

Good Morning M.,
I have a five year old daughter. I have watched Kaelin struggle at different times with her emotions and expressing them. I don't want to sound like I am completely nieve, but for the most part Kaelin is not sitting somewhere plotting against me, and thinking how can I use whinning to get my way. She is fully aware that when she whines , she gets a frustrated Mommy. However children this young do not have the verbal capacity to express themselves. Kaelin is having feelings, she doesn't necessaly know which feeling it is. Now since she's five she has gotten much, much better. I tell her things like use your words I can't fix it until I understand it. But before we got here I had to ask her are you sad, are you tired. Your daughter is three she maybe still too young. She is really not that far away from, if I cry, my mommy comes. Also I have watched Kaelin stuggle with transitioning between "big girl" and " baby", Kaelin who was in daycare for a long time would "keep it together" at school and come home a whinning terrorist, finally I read somewhere that it takes an increadable amount of work for her to "be good" in school, and she would come home and feel safe enough to "fall apart". Be patient your beautiful little girl will reappear, what she is going through is perfectly normal, she's not plotting against you, her only motive is that you love her. She'll get through this period and then she'll go throught it again as she continues to grow, isn't that great news!:)
Good luck!
K.

I thought maybe you were writing about MY 3 year old daughter! She whines a lot. I hope it's a short-lived phase. I constantly hear "I'm tired," no matter what the hour of the day, when she doesn't want to do something. I understand your frustration.

I try to give her some positive reinforcement when she is doing what she needs to do and when she uses her words.

Good luck, C.

Well, my son seems to be going through a similar phase which started when he turned 2.5 (about 2 months ago). At first I though it was because he was sick (he got a cold at the same time) but now I think he was starting to figure out he was getting a sibling (I'm 7 months pregnant). It is getting a little better but not completely. I get very frustrated too. I have been trying very hard to prompt him to use his words and it helps when he is not too wound up. If he is talking in a whiny voice tell him what to say to get what he wants (Try saying "Mommy can I please have and apple" or whatever he is asking for.) Other times if he is just crying and fussing I say "I see you are frustrated but I can't help you until you tell me what is wrong." Sometimes it works and other times I walk away for a little while until he calms down. Sometimes I do just make he do things even if he is crying and whining (some things like car seats and appropriate clothing for the weather are not negotiable). What seems to be helping is teaching him basic feeling words (happy, frustrated, mad, scared, etc). So is talking and reading books about becoming a big brother. I hope something in here helps you.

you have to first explain to her that going forward if she whines or cries that you will not be answering her. That from now on whining will not win your attention, if anything you will put her to bed because she is tired or you will put her in time out until she stops. Then as difficult as it is, follow through. You have to treat this bad behavior with the same results as anyother. don't give in Mom or she will still be whining at 25, T.