3 Year Old Acting Out with New Baby

Right now, with the transition of a new sibling especially, I would be VERY careful of giving her very much negative attention...even if she is acting up. She's at the age where what she is doing is normal anyway, but you don't want her to associate the new baby with her being disciplined a lot, you know?

I agree with Consuelo, make sure you are spending a LOT of time with her still. Whenever we have new babies added to our lot, we include all the other kids as much as possible. They become my little helpers. If I need a diaper, I'll ask them to go grab it - and I make it sound exciting. I try to think up thinks they can do to help me with the baby and make their role as sister/brother be really important.

Often they want to sit by me a lot, even if they can't sit IN my lap. They'll sit next to me, snuggling with my arm or something. I try really, really hard to focus on involving them as much as I possibly can. It would often be easier to not have them as involved, but for their sake, I try really hard to view it all from their point of view as much as I can.

Adding a new baby is a stressful (and exciting!) time. You're likely exhausted and trying to figure out how to make it all work...just take it slow...be REALLY patient with your 3 yr old. She'll likely act up less if she is getting a lot of positive attention from you. Be sure to regularly talk to her about things to do with her and things she likes. During baby's naps, try to do some special activities between the two of you. The more time you put into her in a positive way, the more she will likely behave better overall...I highly suggest trying to back off on negative discipline right now. It really only seems to make it worse! When she gets upset, have a counseling session. As contrary as it might seem, when she gets mad at your or back talks, give her a hug and talk to her, asking her what is wrong and how she is feeling. I know it seems like it won't work, but it does.

It's a tough transition! Just hang in there, and it will get better.

My youngest are 18 months apart and the best thing I’ve found is to make sure to spend alone time with my 3 y/o and include her in helping with as much as possible (Dishes, laundry, cooking ect)

Your little girl is seriously hurting, and she can't help that. Changes like this are huge challenges for little kids. She needs your help to find a new, less painful emotional spot in the family.

If I were in this situation, I would want to get to the bottom of this child's unhappiness, using some of the techniques offered in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. If she's as verbal as the average 3yo, she will be able to tell you what's making her mad. Yes, it probably is the sudden change in family dynamics, but she'll have her own particular way of expressing that, and it might be very helpful to let her.

You could start the conversation, some time when she's feeling calm, by observing something like, "Sweetie, I notice that sometimes you are very mad at the baby." And then wait quietly – that may be enough to get her rolling. As she tells you her complaints, nod and say "I hear that you're not happy about ______. Is that right?" If she agrees, then say "I understand, honey," and invite her to go on.

Sometimes just getting to let out the pressure like this, and know she is heard, can make a tremendous difference for a child.

An added technique is to get a big sheet of paper and a pencil, and ask her what ideas she has to make things better. Let her say anything that seems possible for her, even "Get the baby out of here!" and write it down. Treat all ideas as equal during this brainstorming session, and add in some ideas of your own. After you've gotten as many ideas down as possible (she will be very impressed that you care enough to do this), go through and try to find at least one of her ideas that you can do, and perhaps one or more of your own. You may be surprised at the originality of her solutions.

Then make a point of following through. You and her dad are her emotional and physical lifeline, and she probably feels very threatened right now by the competition. So make a point every day, before she has to ask (or act out), to let her know she will always be your precious firstborn, and she'll always have that special place in the family. Make a point of spending special one-on-one time with her daily, and let her know you're doing it because you want to. Asking her to be your helper can also help her feel valued and important.

Also, bear in mind that some of this behavior is normal in a 3yo. She's wondering who she is as a more autonomous individual, and one of the classic ways children have to explore her new horizons is to test limits, repeatedly. She'd probably do this even if a new baby didn't arrive. But you'd be less stressed and probably have more time and wit to handle her challenges.

Check the website Ask Dr. Sears for many, many practical and effective tips on winning a child's cooperation without having to resort to frequent punishment. http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp