Need Help! 3Yo Discipline.

The Strong Willed Child and Dare to Discipline by Dr. James Dobson are wonderful in helping parents set clear boundaries and deal with defiance.

Put a lock on the top of the outside of the baby's door so she cant get in unless there's an adult present. I'd make the time outs short bc a 3yr old has a short attention span and may not realize after a while why she is there. Do the time outs in a corner in the living room. Put a a little stool or something that she sits on and faces a corner and has to stay there until 1 minute has passed. I'd start the day with 15 sec time outs and everytime she does something bad, you put her in the corner for an additional 15 sec. She's probably jealous of the new baby's attention from you and is just lashing out from not really understanding what's going on. Try to involve her more in the feedings and gentle playtime. Maybe even get her her own baby doll that she has to feed when you're feeding the baby.

Hi Your daughter seem to be jealous of her sister. Keeping her alway or lock up is not going to solve the problem,it's only going to anger her more. She feels replaced by the new member of the family. Did you Know that locking a child in a room until she's ready to be sorry could be consider corporal punishment. A child gets time out in a survised room according to her age,which would be 1 1/2 minutes for very year and no child under two should be put on time out.so for a three year old child it's about 4 1/2 minutes. she went from getting all of mommy an daddy attention to sharing it with a baby that getting all of it. It's hard for her to comprehend ,that she has to be nice an gentle to her. Try to make a day thatyou sharewith just for big girls. Play dates aregreat for you as well as for her . Try envolving her in the daily rountines of the baby . The bathing, the baby daiper changing, and at feeding time. Stortelling time could envolve them both. Please don't alienate her it does more harm than good. Always remember to show and let her know that mommy and daddy still love her very much. But that now we(you) all have some one else to care for as well. One day at a time things will get better. Much love and sucess. Jacquie

With a new baby in the house your 3yo is probably feeling like her world got turned upside down and you are probably feeling overwhelmed trying to juggle a preschooler and a newborn. Can you find ways to build special time into your day for just her? Reward her good behavior with time with you rather than candy or toys. I have a 3yo girl and 1yo girl with medical complications. My oldest was delightful when she was an only child, but we started to loose control when we got over busy shuttling our youngest to appointments. Anna, my oldest is very active and "busy" and has a patent on the drop to the floor screaming move. When I would go into the bathroom and shut the door she would close the doors to the bathroom hallway and throw herself into the door screaming until I opened it. I have recently decided to dedicate 10-20 minutes a day focusing on her, usually early on in the day so that we can talk about what we've done the rest of the day. It has made an amazing difference in the atmosphere in our home, she asks less for the TV and I am less frustrated with her because we have been engaged together in an activity. I use a book called "montessori in the home" by Elizabeth Hainstock for constructive activities that are also educational. Be firm and consisitent so that she remembers that inappropriate actions have consequences, but give her a chance to "try again" and make a good choice. Good luck to you, this is what is working in our house this week, I hope that it continues to be as "magical" and that is is helpful to you too.

1st question: is she on any type of meds at all? My son was on an inhaler for asthma.. and he would be like dr. jekyll and mr hide... I asked the dr. and it was a side effect of the inhaler.. I took him off.. and he is on oral meds for asthma... and he is much better. Next question.. when she throws a temper tantrum... have you ever just turned your back? She knows she is getting a response out of you.. even if it's a bad response... just ignore her.. turn her back... read the paper.. talk to your husband.. whatever.. just don't look at her. If she is on the floor screaming - just walk over her.. put the tv on... she'll get the message that it isn't bothering you.. and she will soon stop. Also if she pinches or pokes the baby... take her cheek and poke it.. and let her know that it hurts... the baby and it will hurt her too.. she learn it's not acceptable... good luck

We too had a problem with our Granddaughter, It did not show up until she was 7 yrs. old. Her mother ( my daughter ) took her to the doctor to be tested and it turns out she has HDHD/ bipolor. she has been on medicine since she was 7. She is now 12, It is worth a shot to take her to her peditrion and ask him about this. Hope everything works out for the best. I hate to see any child on medication, not to say that this is what is wrong with your 3 yr. old.Prayers coming your way. M. ____@____.com just in case you would like to e mail me privately.

I have a child that is 8 years old. I am not going to give you any advice because my son also skipped the terrible 2's and went to the three's and acted the same way as yours. I didn't know what to do then, and now I am dealing with some of the same problems with a much bigger little person. I hope you get some good advise and then please pass it along - the age is different but the premise is kinda the same. I wish you luck.

I found a miracle! Seriously i personally hate to read but this works! Have you ever watched "Super Nanny?" Well she is awesome and I purchased on of her books. I started following what she said for tantrums and time out. I will tell you doesnt work first time but by the third time you use her time out tecnique for example it works. And my son is a whole new little guy. I personally suggest you all try it.

DD#1 may feel abandoned by all of your attention to the new baby, which is understandable. New babies need a lot of your time. Is there a way for you to make provide some one-on- one time with your 3 year old. Perhaps, if you made it a very special event, letting her know ahead of time that is just you and her. If you could find a sitter for just 1 hour week and plan an outing, even if it's just a walk together. The point is to make it extra special. Plan a picnic on the living room floor and pretend her dolls and stuffed toys are invited. Plan for an hour of coloring and have her own art gallery. Read a favorite story and act out the parts. Teach her the old nursery rhymes and repeat them often, jut you and her.If her Father is in the picture, he can provide spcial Daddy time too. He can take her out for ice cream or pancakes or out to the park to swing on the swings. Sibling rivalry is a fact of life and if not nipped in the bud, can cause problems for a lifetime. DD#1 wants what she had before the baby, your undivided attention. She needs to know she has gained a little sister, but has not lost the places in your hearts. God bless you and keep you strong, and enjoy your children. They grow up and leave to make their own lives much too fast.

A little about me: I'm a 69 year old Grandma, who love my children(3) with all my heart. They all live in different states and I miss them so. I take care of my Mom who is 94 so I'm not able to visit them as soften as I would like.

Hi,
Your kids are practically the same age as my little angels so I kinda know what you're going throuhg. I'm not sure if you do this but maybe you need some alone time with the older daughter. Like have someone babysit the infant for a couple of hours and take the older one out like 2 times a week. Or when the baby is sleeping, zero in on her. We did that with our oldest daughter. She still has a little anger management issues but I usually first reprimand, then give ultimatums and if she doesn't listen by the third time, its good ol' time out. Then I talk to her and help her understand what was "not nice" and how to be nice.
Like I said, she STILL has angry little attitudes daily, but you gotta pick your battles.
Good Luck!

Try looking into her diet. Some food intolerances or deficiencies can cause behavior problems in children. Talk to your pediatrician about allergies to casien, soy, corn, etc, or celiac disease. I've also heard of zinc deficiency causing behavior problems.

I know of a number of people who have seen tremendous improvement in their child's behavior after discovering a food allergy/intolerance. Hope this helps!

Are you praising her when she is good and gentle with her sister? Are you giving her extra cuddles and alone time with you? You could try really relishing on the praise when she is playing quietly or being helpful, "You are such a good helper!" "That's makes me so happy when you play gently with your sister." I think validating her feelings is also important and may help her to make sense of them and not loose control as much. If you give her lots of positive loving attention she may not feel that she has to act out in order to get negative attention. I remember that my mother had a special pillow that we could hit and punch when we were really mad. That helped us.

Good luck

It sounds like your daughter is dealing with jealousy and insecurity issues, and at 3 years old, she isn't able to properly comprehend OR articulate how she's feeling - hence, the meltdowns. I think putting her in her room - and actually locking her in there - exacerbates those feelings, hence the reason she can go on and on for hours. I would suggest finding "special time" to spend with just her where you can talk about how much you love her and positively reinforce the good things that she does, without having to bribe her. You can also talk about the new baby and include her by saying how important she is to "our" baby as the big sister. I think that more than anything, she needs some TLC and to know that she isn't being replaced. Those sorts of feelings may seem ridiculous to an adult - you know you are perfectly capable of loving two children - but to a three year old, those types of fears/insecurities are very real, just like the boogie man and the monster in the closet. Also, keep in mind that changes in her behavior may not appear over night. I know it's frustrating now, but if you can tough it out in the short term, you'll be far better off in the long run!

okay, let's see if I can be of any help...first you're not alone! we've all watched our angels transform infront of our own eyes....and 3 is always worse than 2. I think that teaching her to take a deep breath when you can is a good start, it will physically make her feel better. hold her hands facing you and breathe in and out,together and once she gets the hang of it you can just remind her... I think she does sound tired and she needs a quite time everyday....you need to teach her how to relax,(as my kids outgrow naps I alternate an every other day routine)you can have her lay on her bed and listen to a cd and when all the music is over she can get up...you need to know how long it is(45 mins) and watch the clock...put something quite and relaxing on and on days when she needs it she will fall asleep. I think it's good to seperate her when she needs it and tell her she may come back when she feels better...after awhile the fits will lose out. also with the newborn...do you have a boppy pillow? If so place your daughter in it and the newborn on top, then she has both hands to touch the baby and you and she both feel safer because the newborn is more secure. I hope this helps.best of luck!

You've already gotten a ton of advice that will probably help, but I wanted to add another book recommendation that seems to be working for me...Children: The Challenge by Rudolph Dreikurs, M.D. I had originally gone onto amazon.com to purchase 1-2-3 Magic, but after reading the reviews, I decided against it after reading one about treating kids like lab rats...but, a lot of people loved it and it was highly recommended to me, so maybe it's great - who knows! But I ended up ordering 4 different books (the other 3 are Siblings Without Rivalry (also great), Parent Effectiveness Training and Between Parent and Child) and the one I mentioned really seemed superior to me because all the popular discipline ideas (such as those used on Supernanny; the ever popular time-out, etc) just do not work for my really strong-willed 4 year old daughter. Check out the reviews on amazon...that usually helps me a lot.
Another comment...I've also found myself basically locking my daughter in her room as you described (time outs just do not work for us...I've done the hours of taking her back over and over with no interaction...she's REALLY strong-willed) and the book I recommended said to instead separate YOU FROM HER...I've locked myself in my room with my younger daughter to play without my 4 year old and I feel so much better about it and it works so much better too. The book has so many really great and "easier" ideas (in the sense that the parent doesn't have to get so emotionally involved and upset)...withdrawing from the conflict (no more endless battles and yelling), allowing the child to learn on their own the natural and logical consequences to their actions, why punishments and rewards don't work and are actually detrimental. Best wishes!!!! You are NOT alone!!!

Have you heard of the book "1-2-3 Magic"? When my daughter turned three she suddenly was acting up and I was caught completely flat-footed. I didn't feel like I had any tools to control the situation. As I was trying to get her to leave a playdate (SO embarrassing!) the other mother told me about the book. It revolutionized the way I parent! I rarely if ever need to resort to yelling anymore. She (and her younger sister) know that when mommy starts the count, mommy means business. It only takes reaching "3" once or twice for them to understand. The consequence once you reach three is customized to your child and to the behavior at the moment - as my children have gotten older, different consequences are more effective. (right now limiting my 6yo's Webkins time is what works best). Don't want to write a novel explaining the method, but it helped us SO much. It's an easy read, PLEASE look into it. My SIL never read it and thinks she knows how to use it, but it never worked for her because she never followed through properly. Good luck!

congratulations on your new baby girl! We spoke to our pediatrician about some similar behavior with our 3yo daughter which escalated after our son was born in September. He explained that ALL KIDS REGRESS in some way when a sibling comes into the picture. I am sure this is contributing to some of her behavior. a friend said to me, give it 2-3 months and then she will come back around, but in the meantime, stay firm, stay consistant. It was true in our case.

my husband and I found ourselves yelling and generally unhappy b/c we would go through this with our daughter everyday. no one was having any fun and we were losing it at the drop of a hat. we realized that when we yelled, she won--she got a reaction out of us. as hard as it was [and still is] you cannot react to the tantrums or yelling. plus they learn to yell by watching you. step outside [your own time-out], take deep breaths, do whatever it takes to not lose it and let it take it's course. pick the big issues and let some go--you cannot tackle them all at once. we followed thru with time-outs and she lost privileges after 3 warnings were given. we stressed that these were HER choices, not mommy and daddy's [i.e she didn't listen or brush her teeth, so therefore she CHOSE to lose her dress-up clothes for the night or two days or whatever.] Try acting like it is no skin off your nose--these are her choices.

By the way, any small spot can work for the T.O.- she must stay there (you've seen supernanny). i worry that punishing her in her room will make her think her room is a place only for bad behavior.

sometimes ours throws a fit right in front of us to get our reaction. I very calmly tell her that if she wants to scream and yell, she can do it in her room b/c I don't want to hear it. she will literally march herself up to her room to cry and eventually cool off. that way i have not banished her, again she is making the choices. then we can go up and talk to her and make up. keep it short and sweet and move on.

you are right to draw attention to the good bahavior, keep it up. with a new baby in the house, try to do some 1:1 with your oldest, just you, as she is not sure where she fits into the picture yet. Remember they are still little and it will get better.

sorry so long, but we have been there! it is tough, each and every time, but it will get better! stay in touch with your pediatrician's office--that is what they are there for--i call ours all the time for the big and little things.

good luck!

Going from one to two children is the hardest transition.

Sounds like sibling rivalry. She possibly feels that she has been replaced with the new baby. Locking her in her room may be reinforcing this belief. Try to spend some alone time with her. Can you do something special with JUST HER each evening when your husband gets home as a reward for good behavior during the day? Example, read books, go shopping, get an ice cream, ride the mechanical horses at Walmart, etc....She needs to know that she is still special.

I have been through the terrible two's and now going through the "I can do it... don't need you" three's. She is also impossible at times and don't lissen to what I say. She is also being manipulative. If she doesn't want to do something she say she has to do something else, that she is tiered or she just walks away as if she doesn't hear you. I stand my ground. When she runs away and gets into a tantrum. She knows now that she can have it but to have it in her room on her bed. When she is finish she comes out and says sorry. She will fall out and stomp up and down when she wants something. When this happens I get down face to face with her look her in the eye and tell her to stop and that kind of behavior is not acceptable. I do it in a calm voice. If she is getting on your nerves(like all kids can!!! lets keep it real) I try to send her to someone until I calm down. I don't know if you have anyone that can take over for a while but try not to get upset around her. When she is having a tantrum I try to remain calm. I find she respond to that and calms down herself. If she doesn't calm down then I let her know that I don't understand and cant help her until she stops screaming. She will scream for a bit more but then calms down.
Most of it is taking a stand and staying there. You just have to let her know that you mean business and all that screaming is not affecting you. If she sees that the screaming doesn't get her what she wants then she will stop.

You have received a lot of great advice here. I agree with most of it and wanted to reinforce the idea that your daughter is probably feeling threatened by the arrival of her new sister. It is a very confusing time for her. It is also very exciting for her. These are conflicting emotions and I'm sure it can be frustrating for even her. "Why am I feeling so angry toward my new sister when I know that I love her and am excited to have her here?" She doesn't even know.

I agree that you need to try hard to include her in caring for the baby, and give her special alone time with mommy, and special alone time with daddy. The best would be an occasional outing by herself with mommy and daddy like old times. (maybe a friend could watch new baby for a few hours?)

My daughter went through a similar thing when my son was born, and it took a little time to get through it. Also, when she was three, there was a short time when she really had those terrible Long tantrums like you describe. Looking back, I see that there was a lot of change going on during that time. She had given up her passy, gone into big girl underwear, and gone back to school after a week vacation, not to mention it was a busy december holiday season all within a two or three week span. That's a lot for a 3 year old to take along with mommy having to give her attentions to the baby too.

And don't think it stops after the newborn stage. Once my son became a toddler and could do the same things that she can do, got into a big boy bed. Moved into her room, plays with her toys, communicates with mommy and daddy, etc. etc., she acted out in a different way! She totally reverted in her potty training!! I do believe it was the same situation. There's always something!! Hang in there! It will get better if you give her what she needs. Make here feel loved, safe and a BIG part of your newly shaped family.

Just a quick response, but Please, i beg you, try Dr Harvey Karp's Happiest Toddler on the Block. There is nothing wrong with your child. She is displaying perfectly normal emotions...but she has no tools for dealing with them in an appropriate way. Please give her the confidence in herself by helping her through this stage so that she can believe and trust in herself! Pick up a copy of the DVD today from your library or local parenting center. Look it up online, order it on Netflix, try the video rental store...but get your hands on it and have everyone who provides care for her watch it, too.

Best of luck to your family!

The problem to me is Daughter number one is reacting to daughter number two and she feels the only way to get your attention is to act out. My piece of advice is instead of acting negativly to daughter one. When ever she hurts daughter number two ignore the behavior and make a big deal with daughter number two making sure she is okay.

I am a mom of a 5 year old daughter who is "spirited" darling and I was in the same position when she was about to turn three.
I am met a mom at a birthday party, a friend of a friend, who was talking about a book that she uses with her two spirited boys, Magic 1, 2, 3. Inside I was chuckling as I could not believe how she raved about something that sounded so silly.
Well, all I can say is run out today and get the book, read just the chaper about behavior and counting, start it, follow through, get your hubby on the same page and tell me how you make out.
It has turned our lives around as I was feeling like I was going to become a yelling and spanking mom and did not like how I felt as I don't like either of those two things. This book has really helped me as mom and my husband as well as my daughter who has blossomed into a lovely 5 year old.

sounds like part of her problem is jealousy. she now has to share your time. lack of a nap seems to be a part too. try to find some time with your older daughter when she doesn't have to share your time. do quiet activities and see if you can relax her enough to take a nap. maybe read books or give her some books to read in her bed etc. i would let her "help" with the new baby as much as you can (and feel safe with). my oldest was 14 months when i gave birth to twins and there was a rough adjustment period. my oldest liked to hold the bottle and feed the baby or bring one of them a toy etc. i'm sure you are exhausted with an infant, so you may have to loosen up your own rules too. maybe get your oldest a doll and she can have her own baby to "help" with. Good luck, A.

If I do the math righ, it seems to me she started acting up around the time you got pregnant. I'm not sure when you started telling your daughter about a potential sibling, but the acting out could be her way of expressing her feelings towards her new slibling. My sister went through the same situation, and when she realized that her first daughter (age 3) was exremely afraid that she was going to be left out and ignored when the new baby came that she made sure to be cognizant of her feelings and made sure she knew the importance of her role as the big sister. Whenever her daughter started to act up after the baby was born, she would bring herself to her daughter's level and ask her what was wrong and more often than not, her daughter would tell her that she was feeling left out. She would then ask her what she could do to make her feel better and she would tell her things like, I want a hug, or I want to help with the baby etc. Understanding her daughters feelings really helped. It could be something you can try for yourself instead of throwing bribes her way. Good Luck!

Hi
I think your 3 years old is jeolous with young baby. Its normal for that age. She used to get all your attention before the baby was born. Now, situation is different. Your new baby needs all the attention you don't even realize duing feeding, changing sleeping etc. Your daughter is having tough time accepting herself as a big sister and losing all attention over new born. Try to spend time together with new born and 3 years old.
Now, you guys have to really spend time with her too. you can keep her close to you and try to get her help during changing and encourage her how its important herself being a big sister and helping a little one.
Another thing is time out, you can time out her in your room in front of your eyes but laying in the corner of a room facing toward the wall. time out should not be long so that child might feel left alone, rejected and ignored. your role is to make her think about whats wrong she did and she is withdrawn from your attention for little while as a part of a consequences, i think she is vey young to be left alone in her room. Make sure she will get treat from you when she did something gook and her father to go out or have icecreme for example or something simple she likes. You can make a chart for behaving well or helping new born and stamp it when she did good and keep it somewhere everybody can see. make sure she will get treat for certain no. Its very hard to be a responsible person and she is angry withyou not having enough of you that she used to get from you. You guys need to be consistant on it. I hope this will help you out. Good luck.
About me: I am Jamuna Pandey, 35 years old, working mom with 12 years old and 2 years old sons residing in calgary, canada.

Hi. i am so sorry that you are going through this. Does your pedi know about this and if so, what was the info there?
I worked with ill kids for years and I will tell you flat out... GET YOUR DAUGHTER TO A NEUROLOGIST AND OR A PEDI PSYCH. I really feel that you are doing yourself a disservice by not investigating this now. You need to get online to the teaching hospitals in your area and call them. There could easily be a neurological misconnection that is a quick fix. The anger and incredible willfulness is not typical. Locking her in her room is a no no. I recognize that this is a nightmare for you but as long as she comes out of the room, that's how many times you need to put her back AND DO NOT ENGAGE HER IN ANY SPEAKING. You gave her the rule and that's it. Just pick her up and back she goes. This is so sad that you are not enjoying her time with the baby. Please get this checked out. It may be a call for attention but this is all negative; for allof you. If she pokes the baby, take the baby from her. She cannot handle her until that stops. I do not envy you this position.
Good luck to you and please take it further. DO NOT GIVE UP HOPE. YOU WILL GET THIS RESOLVED. YOU ARE A MOM. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.

I recommend a book called "On Becoming Toddlerwise" (the sequel to "Babywise", which I used with great success). The couple offers several strategies for dealing with the terrible twos and thereafter. Also, keeping a food diary would be a good idea - track what your daughter has eaten and the behavior that follows. The opposite behaviors could well be a food intolerance. Dairy, gluten, wheat, grains that are not sprouted, SUGAR in all its forms, all could be triggers. You might also want to try adding more probiotics to her diet like yogurt and kefir, but mix your own plain flavor with fresh or frozen fruit instead of store varieties with added sugar. Good luck!

I have a 3 year old who sounds a little like yours. What I've found is that time outs in the traditional sense don't work for her. She gets out of control if we try to put her in her room. And she becomes even more stubborn and emotional if we raise our voices. We have really started to focus on keeping our voices low and giving her a chance to calm herself down so that she can voice her frustrations in a grown-up way. When I see it coming on, I will remove her from the room and sit her on my lap, where I calmly ask her to calm down so we can talk. If she deserves a time out, I tell her I'm going to count to whatever number while she sits quietly on my lap. If she screams or tries to get out, I wait patiently until she stops, reminding her that I can't count until she is quiet. For some reason, knowing when the time out will end makes it bearable for her, and sitting quietly on my lap gives her the chance to get her emotions under control. I agree that jealousy might be part of the problem, so I think that talking WITH your daughter and letting her voice her opinions and frustations is important so that she knows her feelings are important too. Hope this helps, and good luck!

Hi. I am relatively new to the list so if i sound paternizing I am not, I apologize if I do. I have been there, done that. There are several things going on here at the same time that must be seperated to get a better look.

First off, your little one was really no threat to the older one untill sometime around a year when walking, getting into other sibling's toys, mom and dad praising over new developmental steps, etc. So, the older one steps out of line and receives what the educational specialists call 'negative attention'. You react therefore she gets attention anyway.

Seperate incident from your temper. This is soooo hard. Give appropiate punishment for the appropiate crime. One minute for each year of age plus one, is the going rate by many experts. Except if your child does not stay put in time out. My now 18 year old did not respect authority, never stayed in time out, so I kind of know the story here. Sometimes taking away a favorite toy, or time out the favorite movie or tv time is just as affective.

Keep calm, you will be less exhausted emotionally if you do not let your temper get to you. I have experience in this as well. Make the older child's room as child safe as possible so she can throw pillows, pound the bed and scream her head off. Don't keep running up and checking on her because you will be back to negative attention thing. When time is up, let her out. If she starts again, repeat process. I know, been there, and have spent as much time staying around my son's room as he did in time out, when he got there.

Try some time with just big kid and mom or dad or both. Something special, a day at the zoo, going out for ice cream, whatever. Tell her this is what big kids get to do with their parents when they are old enough. If she acts up, cancel the date. Explain that you will go another day and SET the date, but she has to obey house rules.

Your child is not going to hate you. She is looking for direction and does not now how to ask you because her mind and words are not up to the complex emotions.

She wants to be the big sister so she is frustrated when she wants to be rough not knowing the extreme of what she is doing. Try explaining to her if a big kid, someone she knows, a cousin, neighbor, etc, try to hit her and they were big how it would feel. Then compare that to her not being gentle to her sibling.

Testing, testing, testing. It is the way of the world. Consistency is the name of the game. Stick to some simple house rules. Not too complex and make them very black and white so there is no way she can find that crack to try and argue her way out. Get up this time, eat this time, brush teeth this time, whatever day activity or nursery school, end of the day plan, evening plan, bedtime ritual. I like book reading or making up a story and letting the kid do part of it as I do one part of it. Keeps the creative juices flowing and gives some private time to your child.

Most important. They don't understand so much at this age. Say, tomorrow is another day to try. No matter what, I will always love you. Hope this helps, if you need to contact me let me know.