3 ½ Year-old Daughter Always Telling Her Dad to GO AWAY!

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I think both you and your husband should work on correcting this. At that age she needs to be taught how to treat people. She may just not want to play with him at the time she's rude to him but it doesn't matter. Would you let her do this to her preschool teacher? A friend? A babysitter? A cousin? Your Mom? Why is it okay for her to treat a family member like this? I remember my daughter going through this with both my husband and me. It didn't last at all because we stopped her and let her know it wasn't acceptable and she wouldn't want either of us treating her this way. This will also model loyalty to her and standing up for someone.

There is definitely a phase when my girls preferred one or the other BUT the message has to be that they can ask politely to have some privacy or time with the other parent, but they CANNOT be rude about it. I would nip this in the bud quickly before she becomes a spoiled brat that no one wants to be around.

H.,

I would be on the same page with your husband. Do not tolerate this behavior...it will only get worse without correction immediately! Decide with hubby what you will do when x,y or z happens. Then impliment it immediately. No second chances or oh, she wants her space---give her the correction right then and don't waiver. She will thank you in the long run. Being a disneyland parent isn't always a good thing--- make sure you stick to your word and don't let her talk to ANYONE this way.

M

You said your Husband is Disneyland nice and sweet and loving... then you say he is a "manipulative type" and passive-aggressive. So... those aren't real 'nice' qualities in a person, is it?
So, maybe since things are so fake, your daughter senses this. And as you said, you and Hubby have always had problems, since she was born.

All I know is, my daughter, since she was very very young (younger than your daughter)..... could really 'read' the vibes of people. And she was often, spot on.
As she got older, she'd tell me why. And she was spot on about people. she can really just, read the vibes of people.

Now aside from that, maybe your daughter is going through a phase. Kids often do favor, their Mommy.
But they need to be taught... about what is wrong or not.

Is your daughter ever just alone with her Dad and he babysits? How does that go? Do they do things together to bond etc.?

Or, your daughter, is feeling the same thing toward him, that you do. And since she is closer to you.

She is intensely jealous; she has to share you with him so she wants him to go away. You're right when you say you think it's about wanting to be with you more than about wanting to be rid of him. Remember: She has school; she is taken to your mom's and doesn't go home after school (though I'm sure she loves grandma's house); she knows you work; she wants more of you. Moms are often the ones kids this age feel possessive about.

This is a fairly typical phase in some kids: Favoring the parent they see more, or want to see more, over the other parent whom the child sees as competition for the favored parent's time and attention. While she probably does read the tense adult vibe somewhat, the majority of her behavior may be driven just by typical jealousy. Read some books about three-year-old behavior and you'll learn more.

Another factor is her age: She is pushing buttons and pushing boundaries, asserting herself as a person instead of a baby. She's yelling and slamming and telling him to go away because she thinks she's assering what SHE wants loudly and clearly. Not an excuse for this behavior, but it's an explanation you and your husband both should understand before you launch into any harsh discipline etc.

Leave his own tendencies and issues out of it, unless you truly have reason to think he is somehow manipulating her; that does not sound like an issue here.

When she is calm with you both, talk to her simply and at her age level (don't get too detailed or go on very long) about being nice to everyone, including dad and mom. Don't recap and repeat all her offenses. Leave it short and sweet and then the very next time she does it, remind her about the beiing nice talk and give her a consequence, such as a time out. (See books by "Supernanny" Jo Frost for very effective details about using time outs.) Don't fuss or yell but be calm and your husband has to be too, every time, and not show his frustration or anger at her behavior but be calm and firm. If he gets upset, yells, gripes, is sarcastic -- she knows she's pushing his buttons really well.

It would help if he has one on one, positive time with her. You say he's a Disneyland dad (I know what you mean) but she would react better to his presence at home if he did thiings with her at home instead of taking her to exciting places; it's easy to be a hero when you're taking the kids on a fantastic outing, but harder to be a hero in your own home when you're just doing a puzzle quietly with your kids. He needs to establish some positive associations for her with his being at home, and you need to not intervene in time they are doing something together.

Are you and he in any kind of counseling or couples therapy together? You need to work on the marriage first -- fake niceness is no way to live and I think you know that -- and you also need to work together on your parenting. Whether your marriage breaks up or not, you both could use counseling together on parenting, so that whatever happens between you, you and he have a united front and the same methods for dealing with your daughter. If he refuses counseling or therapy and you've really asked hard, then go by yourself.