My husband and i have been together for almost 12 years. Married 4 years. We never really tried for a family, i was always on birth control pills but i stop about 3 or 4 years ago before we got married.
He always told me he couldnt have children, that his mother and him when to check when he was younger.
I usually stress out a lot about my family, finance and other things so my period is never on time and some months it wouldnt come at all., so i thought maybe its just that im stressed out being the only one working for the last 2-3yrs. I waited, but nothing. So i took a test from the 99cent store which came out positive, i thought it was wrong, so i went ant bought 3 more. They all showed positive, i was over surprised and blank at the time with no clue how this cloud have happened since he told me many times he couldnt have children and well nothing ever happened before. I told a friend first and said on a text " i might be 5 weeks"
he found the test in the bathroom trash, but we had been arguing over so things. So i didnt tell him right away. Now he is accusing me of cheating and denying my child being his. Its a very sad situation because all this time i thought being pregnant by my husband would be such a joyful situation which turns out is the most depressing, and hurtful time. I am about 3 months pregnant, we have very little income, so at times i have nothing to eat for lunch at work. I asked a male co-worker if he would pick me up something to eat on his way to the office, he made a comment that i ignored and continued on as he said ok and bought me lunch. The comment was a text that to my husband was meant for a hoeish female. I didnt take it offensive because i already know this co-workers ways. Any way i went to the market after work once i took my last $20 out the bank and closed my bank account. Went home laid down for a few minutes, then started dinner setting everything on low and jumped in the shower. My husband came home and saw the text and rudely asked what is this and continued by saying this isnt my child this is his (co-workers) child. Not once have i been sexual with any of my co workers, or even thought of it. But my husband doesnt trust me so he says i need to prove to him this is his child. I have read so many things on dna testing on a fetus and im scared to harm it. He threatens me and says once he finds its not his im going to loose everything and will be living like a dog. His words hurt me so much specially now that im expecting his child and never would have imagine him saying these words to me. I am afraid of having a dna test because i do not want to harm my baby in any way. But he said he will be going to court and have a court order to have me dna test before its born. I am willing to have the dna test once its born but not now. And he wont listen to me. I want to get a divorce because i am not happy here, and he keeps putting me down and threatening me that i will loose everything once i do this. he has Gone through my phone and got all the contacts from my boss to every friend that told me not to marry him. I am scared of what he will do to me once i leave. I dont know what to do. At times i am happy with him but most of the time i am sad and feel depressed. I need some help as my family all turned way from me when they found out i married him. I really am lost and feel helpless.
After reading all the answers. I know i shouldn't be around such environment. And i m also glad to know courts wont allow dna testing until the baby is born. I know what i should do to better my remaining months of pregnancy. So i called him to speak to him and as i was talking he hung up on me and well i didn't notice until i had said my part. As far as asking a co worker to pick up lunch i guess i did wrong per Just M. At the time i asked this co worker i had no money and stomach was hurting, I literally had no food at work. This is my first time being pregnant and having such low income. So i guess i should have sacrificed a little over 5 hours without eating. As far as the text that i got from the co worker, it was wrong of him but knowing the way he jokes i didnt pay much mind to it. I have apologized to my husband for asking this co worker to pick up lunch for me and made it clear this will not happen again. Its true on the answer i also read i should have written " i havent cheated on my husband with anyone or any co-workers" i am thinking and leaning more on the counseling thing but being that i am the only one working i don't know how i will be able to afford to pay for this...?? I will still look for a place that makes me feel comfortable in my condition. I really want this baby to be healthy and in a good environment when he or she is born. On my husbands part stating he cant have children now that i am pregnant i wish HE would just wait for the baby to be born to take the dna test as i will not stop him because i want to prove him wrong, and maybe then if things do continue down hill i will get a divorce and move on with my child and life elsewhere.(the reason i dont want to get a divorce is because my husband says due to him not working i will have to pay for his cost of living, thats why i havent filed yet) I have been working for so many years supporting not just me but him, and if i have to support him while baby is here i dont think i will survive.
I really thank u all for the answers and i will be looking into some counseling . Specially for my child., and will reach out to my mother whom i dont have the guts yet to contact.
If you're the only one who's been working the past 2-3 years, why would you lose everything and be living like a dog if he leaves you?
Why are you staying with this man? He is lazy and abusive. He is the one who would be 'living like a dog' if you divorce him. He has no job--you are supporting him.
Get out now before he hurts you or the baby. He's scared, he's abusive, and kinda dumb. Get rid of him.
Am I the only one that read the part where she says
"Not once have i been sexual with any of my co workers"
If i had never cheated I'd write I never cheated not specify a group of people.
Also am I the only one who read he sent her dirty texts and she asks him to buy her lunch??
your husband sounds like an abusive jerk that you need to get rid of but honestly it sounds like you need to do a lot of maturing over these next 7 months as well
sorry if that was mean
Everything that Jo W said... and tell the coworker to stop texting you. He sounds like trouble on top of your idiot husband. Don't ask him to buy you anything anymore either.
Good luck.
No court will order a DNA test prior to the birth of the baby-he's bluffing-he's just angry because he cannot adequately provide for you-go to Catholic Charities and get all the help you need:
https://www.google.com/webhp?source=search_app#q=catholic...
Your MIL was wrong about her son being infertile. He has thought all this time that he couldn't have kids. He doesn't want kids.
He also doesn't love you, I am sorry to say.
He tells you that you will lose everything. What is everything, J.? It doesn't sound like you guys have much. Do you rent or own? Do you have anyone you can move in with?
You need to go speak to a lawyer quickly and find out what the laws in your state are. You need to get bank statements, tax records, all the legal documents in your house. Remove any sentimental items so that he can't pitch them just to hurt you. As soon as you have seen the lawyer, separate from him the way the lawyer says to.
I hope you have medical insurance through your employer. If you have medical through HIS employer, get your lawyer to file papers to prevent him from dropping you from his medical insurance (see how important it is to get to a lawyer?!)
If you are afraid of him, talk to the domestic violence people. If he threatens you, you can get a court order to keep him away from you. Make sure to call the police if he frightens you - sometimes calling the police is enough to get someone to stop.
If you leave this man, you may find that your family will take you back now that you are pregnant.
I hope that you have learned a really good lesson here, J.. If everyone in your phone and your whole family warned you not to marry someone, it was something to pay attention to. I'm not trying to beat you up here, really, I'm not. I just want to say that you need to figure out how you missed the signs that everyone else saw. Perhaps seeing a counselor will help you. A counselor could be a shoulder to help you through the separation and to help you figure out why you'd pick such a poor partner in life. If you don't work on this at some point, you may be doomed to choose the same kind of partner the next time. You deserve better. Your BABY deserves better.
Make sure you keep your job. You don't want a judge to give him custody of the baby because you are unemployed. Your lawyer can help you navigate this. If you can't afford a regular family lawyer, get legal services in your county to help. They are cheaper. And make sure you keep copies of everything somewhere safe (don't give your only copies to your lawyer - if they are misplaced, that would be awful!)
Last thing - I want to respectfully say to please ignore the advice to agree with your husband. If you agree that you have been having sex with other people, he may beat you within an inch of your life. I have NO idea why someone would recommend that...
Good luck,
Dawn
This man is being abusive and threatening you. For the sake of your baby and yourself, please get OUT.
I am sure your husband is the baby's biological father, but the way he's treating you, he does not deserve to have a relationship with his child. It also sounds like he is not providing you with anything -- emotionally or financially -- so you and the baby honestly will do much better without him.
This link lists shelters and other services in your area. Please give them all a call. http://www.vsdvalliance.org/secGetHelp/Directory%20of%20S...
How were the 12 years before this? Is this the first time he has exhibited this type of behavior?
If things were bad before, I have no good suggestion for you. Have the baby and start to find a way to make it on your own. Do NOT have a DNA test done before the baby is born, if that risks the life of the fetus (I don't personally know anything about it, I'm taking your word for it.)
If things were good with your husband up until now, I would calmly say to him, "I am not going to have a DNA test until our baby is born. It is dangerous and I am not going to risk the life of our baby. The moment our baby is born, I will have a DNA test. And when the test comes back and proves to you that the baby is yours, you are going to kiss the ground I walk on and beg my forgiveness and then spend years making up for the brutish way you have behaved to the mother of your child. I repeat -- I will have the test when the baby is born. Until then, I will no longer discuss it. Beware of how you treat me for the next 6 months."
Oh my God. Get out and get help. This is bad, and it will get worse and worse. Contact a woman's shelter (he IS abusive) and they will help you get out and find resources. For your safety and this baby's safety...you must get out.
bless your heart i have never been in this situation so i can't tell you to leave or do the dna test.
you said you were the only one working so i would get the hell out and he will be living like a dog (his words to you). you should be happy now if you know you never cheated and he get his test and it turns out to be his baby i would still leave.
hopefully things will work out for you.
always do whats best for you and your child
.
You will not have to support your husband if you leave him. It doesn't sound like you make enough first of all and 2nd of all, only being married for 4 years, alimony is generally not granted especially to a man who is able bodied and can work. Talk to your mother or another family member or a friend. Find some place you can move to temporarily (preferably until the baby comes). It hurts but it's time to eat a little crow - say "I know you told me so but I was blind b/c I was in love and now I need help. If you can't help me, please help your future grandchild." Apply for WIC - it will help you get some healthy food. If you don't have insurance, go to a free clinic - you need prenatal vitamins NOW. Don't wait - right NOW. If you are truly scared of your husband - get a restraining order once you move out. Don't tell him where you have gone. Leave a note telling him you never knew he didn't want children, he was the one who said he couldn't have children, you never cheated, once the baby is born you will be in touch for a DNA test and, once it comes back that this baby IS his, you will be seeking child support. If you are afraid to move out while he is there, have a male family member go with you while you pack or, better yet, take a bunch of people and you all pack/haul/etc. in mass and get out of there as quickly as possible. If you don't have anyone that will help you - call the non-emergency police # and explain that you are pregnant and your husband has made threats and you are afraid to move out. They will send an officer to the house with you to get your things. Your coworker probably made the comment b/c he knows you're too good for your husband and knows you aren't being treated right. No one should go without food when they have a job and their spouse doesn't. You love your baby and it was hungry so you took a handout - not your proudest moment but you're human - move on and let that one go. Not a big deal considering all that you are dealing with. Your focuses right now are: prenatal care, prenatal vitamins, healthy food and a safe/healthy environment for you and that baby with as little stress as possible. It's so very hard right now and I'm not discounting that but you are carrying a beautiful life within you. Focus on that and find joy in anticipating your baby. I wish I could offer you more than luck.
First of all, no court will order you to have an invasive test before the child is born. Once the child is born, the court will tell him he will be responsible for paying for the test if he insists it is not his. I'm assuming it will be a court situation because this marriage sounds done. I don't know how a couple can come back from this.
Not knowing what your family situation is, I would highly recommend you find the nearest women's shelter and seek refuge there. I would suggest this even if you had he best family in the world, because a women's shelter has the expertise and resources your family will not have, and it will be free from much of the drama of your family. A shelter can guide you through getting your life back together and bringing this baby into the world. And they will provide you with counseling which you sound like you really could use, as well as legal guidance to protect your interests. They will help you get the medical care you need immediately, and help you feel safe and secure.
Your 'husband' doesn't sound like he contributes a single thing, and he sounds verbally abusive. You don't have to be physically hurt to have been abused.
I would suggest counseling ASAP.
If not, find a third party person (clergy, family member, friend, etc) to intervene. Explain your hesitancy to test while pregnant, but your willingness to do so after the birth.
It sounds like things were rocky to begin with, so I'm not sure you can work through this. But, if he wholeheartedly believes he can't get you pregnant, and you're pregnant, then he's feeling betrayed right now as well. Along with betrayal comes mistrust, anger and more.
Good luck.
It will be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but you need to leave. Reading this I'm actually concerned for you and your baby's safety. He sounds very controlling (why would he feel the need to check your texts?). I've never checked my husbands texts and he has never checked mine. Do you have family you can go to? Bringing a baby into the mix will NOT make things easier, even when he finds out the baby is his, it's a lot of stress on a relationship when things are good.
I wish you weren't going through this difficult situation, but everything happens for a reason.
You (and your husband) were divinely chosen to be this child's parents. You both owe it to him or her to make their life as beautiful and abundant as possible. But it seems that your husband is not ready for that - and may not be for quite some time.
Either way, the baby is coming into the world (God-willing). And so, as the one who gives life (not creates, because again that is you AND your husband), you will be the child's primary caregiver. Even if everything between you and your husband was fine, you would still be the #1 person that your child depends on and needs.
And that started the moment that embryo started to form. As others have said, you must do for yourself and the baby now. Leave your husband to his own demise. He is the one that doubts paternity, then let him pay for a DNA test. If he'd like, he can also pay for a lie detector test. Then he will get his answers. But he will never get time back.
And time is what you need to hold precious. When a woman is pregnant, it is a joyous time, that lasts only for a short while. But it is crucial for that woman to be in good health, have good nutrition, have a good mental status, and positively planning for the arrival of the child.
Take the advice of many mothers here who have reminded you of resources that are available. Seek them out. Ensure that you and the health of your unborn child take presidence.
Either your husband will come around or he won't. That is not up to you. It is up to him.
You cannot afford to worry any further about his misconceptions, doubts, fears or insecurities.
Make a plan on how you will get health & medical care, shelter, food and other necessities on your own NOW. And do not waste time putting that plan into action.
Lastly, make sure that you have only people that wish to see you prosper around you. Whether that be family members, friends, co-workers - whomever...ensure that that they are truly vested in what is best for you and your child.
We all make decisions sometimes that may not be for the best. What we need to do after that is make sure that we have learned our lesson, otherwise we will be doomed to repeat the lesson again.
I wish you wellness & light
coffee please! if you are dead certain this child cant possibly anyone elses( barring alien abduction, of course), then you need to contact a lawyer, or your mother, whichever you can get on the phone first! you cant do dna testing on a fetus, cant be done. your husband is full of what makes the grass grow, and you can tell him i said so ! now, the best thing to do at this point is (honestly) look at setting up an adoption for this baby that your husband simply doesnt want, i mean lets face it, even if you do prove that its his, he has already convinced everyone around him that it isnt. get good prenatal care, then hand the baby over to someone else then file for a divorce OR get good prenatal care, file for divorce and raise the baby yourself with YOUR side of the family.
K. h.
Hi, Just me:
Stop arguing. Just agree with him.
Good luck.
D.
