My daughter has had a difficult time with going down for sleep since the day she was born. No problems with actual sleeping, just the process leading up to it. When she was 2 we took her to a sleep clinic at Children's Hosp of Phila. She was diagnosed with no medical conditions, she is just stubborn and smart and doesn't want to "miss" anything. Throughout the past year and a half she continues to have issues (always changing...once we conquer one she creates another) and CHOP has continued to counsel and has assured us she is healthy, both physically and mentally, (they have a team of doctors of different specialties assess her, including psychologists) just a strong willed little girl. Anyway, after a year and a half I am hoping that mother's that have been through something similar can offer me some advice with longer lasting results. About 6 or so months ago, she went into a big girl bed. We have always had a strict bed time routine..go upstairs, get PJs on, brush and floss, go potty, read books, sing songs, tuck her in with hugs and kisses, then she tells me her "things", we say goodnight, I shut her door, put her sister in her crib in the room next door, the end. HOWEVER, almost EVERYTIME I say goodnight to her she starts whimpering, crying, or screaming for me to tell me just one more thing (which NEVER is just ONE more thing and if I go back into her room it turns into a 10 minute ordeal where she will just cry again once I shut her door for the second time). She even will bang, kick, or shake her door which will send her sister into a fit of fearful screams. Her sister is amazing though and if I open her door and tell her I'm sorry her big sister's bedtime behavior is keeping her up and please try to sleep, she will lay her head down quietly and do just that. I tried a reward chart for my 3 year old, didn't work. (Tried it for 3 months) I tried taking things away from her, didn't work. I tried being robot mom, and walking into her room with no emotion telling her it is time to sleep and I will see her when the sun comes up, used to work when she was in a crib but now all she does is glue herself to my leg and then I can't get out of her room. I tried ignoring it, she will eventually stop her behavior but it lasts 10 minutes and it is EVERY night without the time frame getting any shorter. I even tried going back into her room after her sister is down to give her alone time with me for 3 or so more minutes, she still whines or screams when I leave. I can't take her door off or put padding up to eliminate the noise because our house is on the market. Whatever I do, positive or negative, needs to be immediate as rewards like "tomorrow we will go to or get, or tomorrow you wont get" don't work being that "tomorrow" is a lifetime away for a 3 year old. The timing for her bedtime is perfect as we have tried all the ranges from earlier to later and 7:30/7:45 is the best time for her where she has enough energy throughout the day with the best behavior. She has all the million and one things in her room to help her sleep, room darkening blinds, night light, sound machine, lovies, etc. She is a HUGE mommas girl and all she wants is to be with me and I have explained to her that I love her so much but night time is a time to sleep to keep our bodies and brains healthy so we can have energy to play and to grow big and strong and that when the sun comes up I will see her again. Having her father do bedtime without me isn't an option because he is frequently away at bedtime and travels as well so the consistency won't be there. I don't know what to do and my heart breaks for her (and I am angry as well at the situation) that still after all this time it is still so unbelievably hard. I need to nip this now as we will have baby #3 arriving in 4 months. She has issues at naptime as well but not to the same intensity and I know she will be outgrowing her naps over the course of the next year (yes, she still absolutely needs her nap and if she doesn't get one she will fall asleep on the sofa, car, my lap or wherever at nap time....she doesn't sleep long, only an hour, but a much needed hour). Other than this though she is a well behaved, amazingly bright, amazingly energetic and fun little girl. My patience is waning, help!
I would go with the 10 minutes of crying every night. That's not bad and after a few weeks it will be less and less.
First stop trying to negotiate with her. Put her in her room and let her
carry on. You said it lasts 10 min. Really, that is not that long. Just be
consistent. Every day same thing. You have a pre bedtime routine. Keep
the routine the same after you put her to bed. Some kids just do not know
how the comfort themselves. Hopefully one day she will surprise you and
the screaming will end. Hang in there.
Here is what I would try. Since you have a night lite on at night, ask her if she wants you to turn that off. Chances are she will say no because she doens't want to be in the dark. My daughter used to sleep in a completely dark room until she was 3.5. Then she wanted the door open. Maybe you could try this with your daughter. Let her know if the door is open, she CANNOT come out of her room. She may try to but put her back into her bed. The first night of doing this with my daughter, she fell asleep in the doorway!! But after three nights, she was going to sleep pretty quickly. I also do sit or lay with my daughter every night after songs and prayers. Sometimes it's five minutes, sometimes more (I have fallen asleep a time or two!). Most times she knows I'm leaving and tells me goodnight. I just think she likes that extra cuddle/close time with me. Perhaps tell her you will lay with her for a few minutes and then leave the door open as long as she stays in her bed. Worth a try!
tori h has got it. 10 minutes is not a big deal. just stay robot mom, do your routine, "i love you honey", close the door, and walk away. let the 10 minutes go on. if you don't go back, and stick with it without fail, i bet it will get better. trying lots of different things lets kids know that if they stick with the bad behavior, the being ignored by mom will stop eventually. she doesn't believe it will stick, because it has always gotten you to come in eventually, before. i think she's playing you. don't listen to her "one more thing". ever.
ps, my 4 year old still takes naps and/or does quiet time. if she had better sleeping habits i bet you would enjoy them more. no reason to give them up for a long time yet!
10 minutes...seriously?? 10 minutes??? Take it, Sister and consider yourself blessed. Let me just say that the Big Girl Bed, although eventually a big plus, is at first the devil. My child who was a perfect sleeper had quite the ordeal when the big girl bed was introduced. I think it's all part of the deal, sad to say. When we moved my daughter it took, literally, almost a year of drama to get it under control. I know that is not good news for you, but it's the truth. At the beginning my daughter did the same as yours with the whimpering and the telling me something, etc. etc. I finally just told her it was over, no more, this was our routine and then I was leaving and I did. BUT, she still sobbed and came out of the room and flung herself at the door, you name it. This went on for hours. Literally, hours, every night. After a month it went down to about an hour, then slowly it was about 20-30 minutes every night. Then we'd have about two weeks of good times and then a week of horror and that pattern went on for months. I think that honestly, you need to just tough it out. Tell her what you expect, what you're going to do and do it. I know that 10 minutes is rough, I do, trust me, but ten minutes is nothing. Power through and stay strong and you will get through this! Good luck!
some kids just need that fit at bedtime. as hard as this sounds... let her have her fit. don't go back in there. if she calms down after 10 minutes, keep her sister up just a little bit longer until the older one calms down, then put her to bed. consistency is the key. put her down using the same routine, and close her door, and if she has her fit let her, but don't go back in there. eventually she will learn its not going to work and stop doing it. or, she'll have her 10 minute fit every night, but still go to sleep. i know many kids who still at 4 and 5 cry themselves to sleep every night. its how they've always done it, so its how they know to go to sleep.
good luck.
I agree with Tori--the Big Girl Bed IS the first devil. My son preferred to sleep on the floor over in his nice little bed. It was agonizing.
And I agree--10 minutes is just 10 minutes to plan ahead for. Not THAT big of a deal.
IF she goes easily, the next day, say "Hey, lets go for a hike (or to the park or for ice cream) because you were SO good last night going to bed." Keep it very light and brief--you do NOT want this to be a power struggle. Don't mention bribes or rewards at night though. That's not working.
When she wakes up in the morning or after bfast, ask her what she thinks about how she went to bed the night before (assuming she gave you the same old trouble). It might somehow make her more aware of her actions while she's not actually going through them at the moment.
Keep feelings out of it and focus on what she has to do...instead of "I know you love me and want me to stay" make it "its time for you to stop screaming" or "its time for you to let go of my leg and let me leave the room".
Or you can hire a crotchety mean babysitter just to put her to bed. your daughter may hate that so much it may take only 1 or 2 times before she gets the picture - happy and peaceful bedtime = mom, screaming, crying, yelling bedtime = not mommy.
I know its hard to see your child so upset esp right before bedtime - that's supposed to be peaceful time!
