3 1/2 Year Old Tantrums

L.,
While I have yet to experience this with my own child, as a classroom teacher the most effective thing I've found (and heard about) is to ignore the behavior. I seems that once you held the door closed and left her alone and didn't react to her behavior, she stopped. I know it can be hard, but it lets kids know that what they are don't won't get your attention. Once she's calm (or at another calm time during the day) discuss with her things she CAN DO when she's frustrated (ASK for your help, go to a new toy). Let her know, while she's calm, what she's doing wrong and teach her HOW TO correct it. She needs to learn how to vent her frustration just like she needs to learn how to hold a spoon, put on pants, and tie her shoes. Dealing with frustration is a learned behavior. I know ignoring can be tough (try it in a classroom of 25 kids) but it is highly effective. It may not be perfect the first time your try it, but it should produce results soon.

Good luck!

Okay,just some quick background on me: I'm a mom of three kids and a veteran teacher. You could safely say I've been there done that when it comes to discipling kids.

First off welcome to what we at our house have dubbed the "Thrashing Threes." They are way worse then the terrible twos, but sneak up on you because nobody warns you. There are all sorts of developmental reasons for this but I won't bore you with that here. So, her tendancies toward tantrums are COMPLETELY NORMAL.

Second, developmentally she can only process one problem/issue at a time. Any more complications and her little curcuits get totally overloaded. Case in point the magnet incident. She was already at wits end about not being able to manipulate the magnets how she wanted to. Now to add to that frustration a new issue-- Mom's mad at me. Complete overload and ultimate meltdown.She will not be able to process any more info/directions/consequences; her brain is spinning wildly.(I'm sure you've had moments in your life when you just wanted the world to stop so you could think for a moment, but it just kept coming at you. Same thing here only she's just 3)

My advice: First handle the cause of her frustration. In this case the magnets. After she is calm and that issue is done then address teh behavior issue. ("I didn't like the way you threw these magnets. When you have trouble you... come get me./ ... take a break from what you're doing/...take a deep breath, etc") And then you can give her a consequence like putting the magnets away for a couple of days or something similar.

She has to be taught consequencs for her poor behavior BUT remember she's 3 and also has to be taught strategies for dealing with frustration-- deep breathing, walking away, asking for help, etc.

Good luck. The good news is that they get through this stage and the tantrums don't happen with this intensity again until puberty :).

I have heard this is totally normal for the age. My 3.5 yr old daughter is a great pleasure to be around 90% of the time, and then Dr. Jeckyl emerges...just as you describe. They started in the past couple months and are not very frequent, but can be a real doosie. Often due to frustration of not being able to do something herself or because I said she could not. I have had experiences like yours where they escalate and nothing seems to help break the cycle. What I do is try to avoid them as best I can by noticing when she's up to something that could lead to one and diverting her to another activity (if I cannot play with her at that moment) or go and do it with her (if she welcomes me, if not sit near her and get ready to help if I can). Now, we all know, that doesn't always work, and thus the once in a while biggie tantrums! Yikes. So, I completely ignore the acting out and gently, kindly escort her to her playroom and ask her to play there until she calms down. Sometimes that triggers an escalation, and if so, I don't say anything further and walk her into her playroom. I don't close the door on her because sometimes that flips her out more. But I leave her there and if she comes rushing back yelling I ignore her and walk her back. I wait for a "break" in the tantrum so I can tell her kindly that I understand she is frustrated/angry/etc but she needs to play in her room until she is calm again. I basically use isolation and lack of attention and it seems to work. The time out seems to make it much worse and we get kicking and aggression instead as she lashes out at me. So, I remove her from my presence. However, on an occasion or two that doesn't work, and I did have to resort to other means. I had to find something to snap her out so she can gain control/perspective. There is really onl 1 thing that works for her - she has a pacifier at night and that's my one thing. I tell her that I will cut her last pacifier (we have cut the prior two on such occasions so she knows I mean business). That gets her immediate attention and focus, and then I can put her in a time out (or her room) and explain to her kindly/calmly why I am disciplining her. "I put you here because your behavior was unacceptable. We do not kick mommy when we are mad. (or whatever)" I just pick one simple thing she can relate to easily. Times up, apologies, hugs kisses and then I sit down and give her attention/play/read as a clear reward and to show how I love her regardless. When the opportunity comes up later, I talk to her about what happened and ask her to tell me how she was feeling, etc. It seems to work, it's just sooooo trying! The biggest thing I had to learn (and this was not easy) was not to discipline upon start of the tantrum or bad behavior in this case because it escalates it. Ignoring some of that behavior (repeatedly as it continues to go on!) is hard, and keeping cool is super hard too.

Hope this perspective helps! I have heard from mom friends that starting at 3.5 through 4 years old is toughest in terms of this kind of behavior and back-talking, etc. More fun to come I guess!

I have two 3 year old girls and they both throw frustration tantrums like the ones you described. The first thing I do is to let them know I understand they are frustrated and it's ok to feel angry but not ok to scream. Then I walk away and take away the audience. If they follow me around screaming, which is usually the case, I take them to their room and tell them they can come out when they are able to act nice. If they decide to carry on and leave the room screaming I put a child lock doornob on the inside of the door and tell them I will be back to check on them in 3 minutes and if they are calm they can come out. I then check on them every 3 minutes and offer reassuring words if they are still upset, such as "I'm sorry you're still angry. I hope you can calm down soon so you can come outside and have a popsicle with us. Only people who act nice get special treats." I throw this out more as distraction and incentive, instead of a bribe. Then I remove the doornob lock and tell them they can come out when they are ready to come join the family again. That's my simmer down routine, and it seems to work for us.

You aren't doing anything wrong. Kids change as they get older, Try Loveandlogic.com.
Mine is now 6 1/2. I continue to go to parenting classes, read books and watch videos. Nothing is ever perfect, I just try to stay calm. I just don't let my daughter get away with anything, I make sure she has consequences for bad choices. That and loving them seem about all a parent can do.

L.,

Have you discussed with your daughter that it is OK to ask for help. Maybe the frustration comes from thinking that she should do it all by herself all the time...part of the I AM INDEPENDENT streak.

When my boys start this, I ask what I can help with. Sometimes they let me help, and others they just want me to watch them solve or fix the problem.

GOOD LUCK,
T.

Totally normal, she is on the cusp of being a big kid and she is feeling it. It is a lot of pressure to try to figure out what the expectations should be while changing from a toddler to a big kid. Do you remember your later teenage years? She needs support and she needs to throw her fits. Hang in there Mama!!