Agressive 2 1/2 Year Old Is Making Me Cry

It seems like he just needs a little independence. He's fighting you for it. Give him choices. For instance, before it becomes an issue, if he needs pants on, pull out two or three and let him choose which ones to put one. Say something like "Ok, which ones do you want, the blue or the green?"

FIRST OFF, you ARE doing GREAT!!! with him! Don't sell yourself short on that! You are OBVIOUSLY a GREAT mom if you have a "very patient 7 year old" too!

Now, part of today's explosion could be BECAUSE he's sick. If he doesn't want the diaper, it may be because his bottom hurts from the diarrhea. Let him run naked for a few minutes. (I know it’s scary at that age. My son is officially 2 ½ today, 6/29.) He may be asking for some time to “air out” down there.

As for the throwing- I don’t know if it’s a “2 year old thing” but I KNOW it’s a “Boy Thing”. My son throws things ALL the time. Depending on what it is and why, I do one of the following: if it’s a ball I remind him “we roll the ball inside, or take it outside to throw.” If it’s a toy that shouldn’t be thrown I tell him “Either you go pick it up right now and put it where it belongs, or Mommy is going to pick it up and put it on time out way up high.” Then I follow through with just that. I ALWAYS put it in a place where he can see it from where he made the “violation” but he can’t reach it on his own. When he cries and tells me he wants it back, I say “I’m sorry be you choose to not play nice with it, now it has to rest until you say sorry to Mommy and stop crying.” He can then choose his next action accordingly. (I know it’s hard to listen to them SCREAM because they aren’t getting there way, but if you give in, you’re giving UP!) If it’s something he KNOWS he isn’t supposed to play with, I make him pick it up and put it back. EVEN if he’s kicking and screaming and I have to FORCE his hand together while he fights me every second of it, I still MAKE him do it. At the conclusion of ANY of these situations, I ALWAYS thank him for making better choices. EVEN when it’s me FORCING him to do the right thing! If it’s something I’ve never told him he couldn’t touch, I walk over to get it myself and calmly tell him “Thank you for showing Mommy that she left this out where you could get it! Mommy is going to put it right here, but you’re not allowed to play with this one.” The same thing seem to work okay for him hitting others too, whether on purpose or on accident. On purpose I tell him he has to sit on time-out until he can say "Sorry", on accident I tell him to say sorry and he usually does.

As for you starting to cry- again, TOTALLY within the normal range. People deal with stress in different ways. Him seeing you cry probably shocked him. If you find yourself crying about EVERYTHING, then talk to your Dr. It could be a sign of mild depression. (Depression can be a side effect of stress and vise-versa.) I cry like a baby at least once a month- I’m sure you can figure out when! :O)

Just remember, you are a GREAT mom! Keep up the good work you’re doing with both of your kiddos! This too will pass! ~J.

Try reading this book "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. This book deals with analyzing your child's temperament and working with him in specific ways. It has helped me alot. Also, in Hawaii, there are many FREE parenting classes that have been helpful for me. I started taking them because they are also socialization opportunities for the kids, plus the parents discuss parenting issues, like discipline, potty training, etc. Depending on the age range of the kids. Check with DOE or your pediatrician to see if any are offered in your area. The discussion between the adults is very helpful, and I have formed many long-lasting friendships out of these classes. It is also cool because when you get together outside of class, the other parent knows what to expect from your kid, so they can help you instead of you being embarrassed.

I could not tell from your note if your child is "always" like this, or just recently. My kids act insane when they are not feeling well (you are probably no picnic to be around when you are sick, either) but he has NO impulse control at his age. He may just feel really yucky and not know how to feel better, so he is acting crazy. Don't be too hard on yourself. Call your ped. to see if she has any info, but he is so young, that testing for ADD or anything else will not be fruitful. You both need to learn how to teach him some impulse control, but it is probably not as dire as you are thinking it is right now. Read the book, talk to some other folks, and take a deep breath!

Good luck and God Bless you!!!

I am not an expert but I do have 2 year old twins. They are fairly mellow but I have found when they throw tantrums, the advice in Dr Karp's "The Happiest Toddler On the Block" really works! He talks a lot about toddlers having inefficient ways to express themselves (throwing, biting, hitting, explosive behavior) and how they just want to be understood. He has this technique called caveman speak and it seems to work wonders for my twins, and a friend of mine who has an extremely active 2 year old.

The book explains how to respond to the child at the appropriate level. You have to match their "enthusiasm" by increasing your tone and expressions to let them know you understand.

For example, when a toddler won't sit for a diaper change. They are screaming, kicking, throwing a raging fit. Look them sqare in the face and start mimiking their level of frustration, but say "Baby doesn't want diaper change!" "Baby wants to play NOW!" "Baby doesn't want to lay down!" Except insert the childs name, where I have written "baby" of course.

It's really a great book and it can't hurt to read it, right? I'm not doing the technique justice here. You should check the book out from your local library, or buy it from your local bookstore. It's a good read and it's worth a shot. I have found his technique's for calming a tantrum really work and eventually they work fast! You just can't be embarrased about speaking like a caveman. :-)

Well hello D., and sounds like a couple of things might be going on...One, how does he act when he is at day care? or where you take him when you are working? you need to asses that. also you mentioned he has been taking medicine for an ear infection. and also you are now home for the summer.
One he is adjusting to you being home which is a big change in a little persons life. if he was going to day care he might miss his day care provider and have seperation anxiety. you might want to arrange a play time at the sitter or where he went before so he can see them and know they didnt just walk out of his life..
Two...Ear infections can cause alot of other things going on in this little mans body. My grandson used to do the same thing, he did not throw as many things but he had inner ear infections alot and he had fluid constantly on the ear. which when he would hear noises or loud sounds, or loud music that didnt seem loud to us it would be very loud to him in his head and cause the ear drum to vibrate his whole head. thus he would throw temper tantrums he would scream and yell he would get violent. I finally ended up making a doctors appointment and was refered to a ENT Earn nose and throat doctor. He took a look and sure enough there was fluid on the ear again. he suggested getting tubes put in his ears and having his adnoids removed!! not his tonsils. it was his adnoids that were causing the fluid to build up in his ears. In March he had his tubes put in and the adnoids removed...2 weeks after the surgery we saw a tremendous change...no more fits of anger and rage, no more screaming and yelling, he seemed to be calm and easy to get along with. We are still working on some of his temper points that set him off but they are few and far between. He has become easy to live with...He used to have to stand in the corner for as many mins as he is old and think about what he had done. I dare say he has been in the corner very much less now then he ever has. it has made a big difference in his little life and ours.

Also for his mood swings I give him Holy basil, it is a mood calmer sorta like St. Johns wart. and also since then He is a doll and a wonderful kid to live with. I can feel i can take him anywhere and not have to worrie about out bursts from him...what a blessing.
During his fits of anger I would also make him appoligise to who ever he was mad at when he was done. they need to tell people they are sorry for hurting them, and that is very important to teach at a very small age. and it works to making them take responsibility for his actions. Try it. Hope this has helped you.. Try the ENT and see what he says...Have a Blessed Day.

Don't be so hard on yourself!!!!!!!!

1. Don't threaten things and not follow through - if you are going to throw the toys away then you have to throw them away, but don't say it if you don't follow through.
2. Take him out more - as soon as he throws a temper - pack him up in the car and take him home - he will get the hint - just warn the 7yo about the plan before you go, so he doesn't feel punished - tell him you are trying to help his brother grow-up a little.
3. It is a normal thing - try to get him to use his words more and throw less... It's hard - You need to just put him in a safe place everytime he does this - his room, crib - any place he cannot hurt himself. My daughter destroyed her room so bad one time when I put her in there around the same age my neighbor came over thinking we were being beaten - I was sitting outside the door crying... You will be glad to know that now at age 17 - she is the most calm of all my children - hasn't thrown anything for several years....

so keep your chinup - stay as calm as you can - - - and give that 7yo as much love and attention as you can while the little guy is going off - you will feel better and the little one will see mom reading or hugging and realize that good behavior gets the attention - not the bad....

You have a 'spirited child.' There are good books on this topic. Then again, it is the 'terrible 2's." Kids this age are growing not only physically, but cognitively and emotionally. Their emotions are forming as well and developing. They don't know how to express it properly yet. It is important to be CONSISTENT in your disciplining or 'correction' of their behavior...so you don't send mixed signals. You and you husband need to be consistent. It is extremely difficult...but when they are having a melt-down or tantrum, try not to play off of their emotions... respond in a stern and strong voice (not yelling or threatening) voice... get down on their level and speak to them and look at them directly.. ..tell them it is not acceptable etc. Don't try to 'bargain' with them (they are too young to have this responsibility on their shoulders). They need to start to learn 'boundaries' ... what is right and what is wrong behavior. Tell him it 'hurts' other people when he strikes out. Or put him in a quiet secluded place...if he doesn't stay put, don't get carried away with long explanations, just go get him and put him back. Keep doing this until he gets the idea and stays put,and he will know you mean it and won't give up. Kids this age test their parents. They are gaining a sense of 'power' over their environment and testing limits, and their individuality. Sometimes, with some kids, they need more attention and to be shown that others 'understand' them.... my daughter was this way, and was a very strong minded child. She learned that we wouldn't take it when she acted this way. But when she calmed down, we would talk to her about it and give her love and hugs. Start to teach him 'empathy'... and boundaries. Kids need to know this. It takes a lot of work, and frustration. Find out what works for your boy. Sometimes not reacting, is a good method too. So they see that they can't get you upset. Sometimes they feed off of your emotions too, and it creates negative attention. From this age, they say 'no' to everything. It's their way of gaining control over their environment. Don't try to 'argue' back or debate about it. Or, maybe he needs more of an outlet for himself at this age... maybe he needs to be with other kids in a preschool setting (not just a babysitter)where he can learn to get along with others and have 'rules.' At this age, they need a 'routine', whether at home or not. They need to know what to expect in their day, and what is expected of them. This is very important. He's not a baby... he's a toddler and a child, he's growing up and doesn't know how to manage his frustrations. But as parent's, it's hard, but you have to be consistent in the consequences. Sometimes, with my child, I would just walk away and say "Mommy will come back when you calm down. This is not the way to behave. It's sad.. it hurts me. I don't want to play with you now." My child would tantrum when I did this.. but I stood my ground, didn't flinch or react to it....and after several minutes, she would learn to calm down on her own. Then she would come to me and say 'sorry' and we would hug and I would tell her that she could chose something that she wants Mommy to play with her (that was her 'reward.") She learned from this. And I learned that she needs to get her 'yah-yah's' out in her own space, before she is ready to interact properly again. It takes time... and a lot of work, but good luck. This is what worked for my child.

I dont know if you have heard about it but there is a web site called (Parenting with love and logic.com) It really helped me with my three children. Its giving choices.Example: Do you want to do it now or in 5 min.? would you like to pick these toys up by yourself or with mommy? Do you want to put your right hand in first or your left? Giving them choices really gives you back control of the situation and makes the other person feel heard and valued.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I have a 2 1/2 year old as well and I remember when he started doing this. All I can tell you is you need to be the one to be patient. I would talk to my son and let him know that i understood he was upset (ex. about his butt hurting), but there were other ways of letting me know, or expressing his feeling. Really talk to hima nd try to understnad him. You're exactly right, he doesn't know how to express his feelings, that's what you're there for. when he starts throwing things just put him in a room and let him know when he calms down and can talk with you he can come out. Just be stern and consistent and let him know that he does not and can not control you or the situation! But keep your head up!

Hi D.,
This is only a stage...he will grow out of it. Just try to have as much control as possible and try not to let him get the best of you.

Everyone has their days and you are just feeling overwhelmed. Everything will be fine. I totally understand about taking him out. We were at a restaraunt today and my little one was climbing in and out of the seat on to my lap and back again. If I would have let her she would have stood on my head. Then suddenly, she launched a half chewed celery stick at her adult sister. The just do these things at this age. He will get over it soon, but like I said, be sure to have some control over it to let him know you will not tolerate it.

You are doing just fine with him.

Best of luck.
C.

I felt very sorry for you and your son. similar things happen in every home. It seems that many things that he did not like follwed one after another. If I were you, I guess I would have just let him go after the medicince to give him achance to calm down. I don't think it works well in the long run when we try to force our way on them even if it is for the short term good of them. He may need a little time off without being forced to do something in some certain way. I believe in discipline, but I'd prefer to do it in a gentle way and with respect to those little people. You're probably doing great since you have a patient 7 year old son. Sometimes being a little laid back helps a lot. When they do not get the attention, they generally stop. And as you say he stoped when he saw you cry, that would mean that he didn't expect or want to make you sorry. He sounds like a good kid

I agree w/the other mom....this is a stage. I have 2 boys: 6.5 yrs & 2 yrs. My 2 year old REALLY hates anything to do w/laying on the changing table & gets VERY squirmy. He would prefer to stay in soggy, stinky pants & jammies all day if I let him! He's also has some pretty obnxious tantrums, too & will also run around crying & throwing things. Telling him to stop is useless at this point, so I have given him little time outs in his crib. I stand there & wait so the second he's quiet, I take him out & soothe him. I think sometimes he needs this quiet time in a contained space. Since he doesn't talk much yet, I can't get out of him why he was so angry so I just tell him, 'boy, you were pretty mad & that's OK but you can't throw things.' & then the conversation is done. He's too young to understnadd anything else. Even if your son is talking, I'm sure he can't pinpoint what he's so mad about so I suggest you try the same thing I've been doing: a little time out in his crib or other contained/safe space, small chat about it & then move on. It is just a phase & once he's better at articulating his feelings, things will get calmer. Good luck!

I really love this book:

Dreamers, Discoverers & Dynamos: How to help the child who is bright bored and having trouble in school. by Lucy Jo Palladino.

I have a child like this in my daycare. I am working with her, she has only been with me a short time. I spend my entire day on my feet dealing with her.

Make sure you do not say "No". Use "we don'ts" instead: We don't throw toys, we don't kick, we don't take our diaper off. Remain calm in your voice, and loving too. Stay consistent. When he acts up sit him down in an area without toys or anything. Tell him that he has to sit there because...describe what he did wrong. If he trys to move put him back immediately. Don't back down.

Be sure to reward him for good behaviors too. Think of your voice as the reward, not posessions or bribes.

Also, when my kids get worked up I use Rescue Remedy it is wonderful for soothing and calming children from a tantrum, a nightmare, or from being frightened.

Good luck!

Dear D.,

This is beyond the normal state of rebellion. I think that you need to take him to a pediatrician for a complete exam. ....and do not let them get by with telling you that it is normal. There is something that is causing this, and you need help with it now. Not in two weeks...but now. Whew! Does he take good naps after one of these? That might be a clue to something. Good Luck, Let us know what happens.

You did everything that you possible could, but the behavior is beyond what can be handled just without more knowledge.

I do remember that my gr grandson had to be held that way when we diapered and changed his clothes, at one point in his two's , but not the other. That is too hard to understand for just one mom and one dad, and one brother. Again,Good Luck, C. N.