3 1/2 Year Old Has Fear of Death and Dying

Well my daughter did have these same questions when she was 4 yrs old. She and my mother were driving when they came across an accident and the children were crying on the side of the road while their mother was being loaded into the ambulance. My mother didn't know how to deal with the questions and knew she would be asking me. Well the question came, "Mommy are you going to die". Well here we go I thought to myself. We have a firm religious belief and I always have felt being honest was the best policy. I told her that Mommy will die someday. We don't know when that will be and hopefully it wouldn't be for a long, long time. I told her that we can't worry about things that we don't know will or will not happen. I explained that we have a Heavenly Father who misses his children too and sometimes that is why we go back to live with him again. I didn't make promises that I couldn't keep. I don't know when my date is to die, but I wasn't going to promise her that I would be here forever either. Hope you find this helpful in some way.

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your daughter. I know that between the ages of 4-5 some children go through a separation anxiety. They begin to realize that things can happen to you when you are not with them and things can happen to them as well... Your situation seems to be different though and I found this article that you might find helpful...

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/talking.html

Hope your little one is comforted soon~

I have to say I am upset that a preschool teacher would even discuss death with such young children. These are topics that should be discussed with parents. If the child brought up the loss of the pet the teacher in my opinion should have just said I am sorry to hear that and if questions came up the teacher should have either said you can ask mommy and daddy or just redirect the entire conversation. Who knows how she explained it and as you said the damage is done, very poor judgment on her part. In the meantime I would just keep reassuring her that you and daddy are fine and are not sick and she has nothing to worry about. I am not sure myself how far to go with that type of conversation because you do not want to make it worse. Maybe you can ask your pediatrician or read up on how to explain death to your child. I was thinking if you say people go to heaven when they are old then she may focus on grandma and grandpa. I think this is a question for professionals since your daughter is so sensitive. However, I own a preschool and would be very upset if one of my teachers had this type of conversation. I would talk to the director about the type of conversations this teacher is having with the children. Good luck

Oh my goodness...my FIRST step would be to go to the director of the preschool and try to assure that something like this doesnt happen to any other class of children in the future!! In my opinion, the teacher should have sent a letter home to the parents to tell them what had happened, and let THEM handle the talks and comforting that their child needed. If the child who actually lost the pet needed some extra TLC at school, it should have been handled without involving the entire group.
I would not try to overwhelm your daughter with information or theories. If you are involved with a church, you can go to your pastor for ideas on how to talk with her about death and dying. Whatever you do, don't use the term "going to sleep" this could lead to a whole NEW set of worries for her!! Let her know that it is perfectly normal to feel sad when someone or something that you love dies. Don't invalidate her feelings...she has a right to them and it is your job to help her feel safe and secure as she sorts it all out. Most of all, just love her and let her know that she is safe with you!!!
Good luck!!
R. Ann

My 3 year old and I have these conversations occasionally. I have ill family members, and my son already attended 11 wakes in his short life. Death is as real as life, and this truth should not be hidden. If it is hidden, children will see it as either a shameful or scary thing. Plus, we are fooling ourselves if we think our 3 and 4 year olds will be shielded from this until they are "mature enough to handle it". I personally believe that it's better to talk about it now than never have the chance.

The kids at the daycare were exposed to the death concept the moment the little classmate talked about it or cried in front of the group. I can't believe that the teacher would voluntarily say, "Gather 'round, little ones, let's talk about how your mommy and daddy are going to die one day!" The teacher likely realized that the group of kids was talking and possibly getting upset about the loss of their classmate's pet. It's possible that the teacher tried to explain things in a simple, truthful way in order to calm the group.

Your response and personal feelings about death and loss may be the key to your daughter either fretting about it until it becomes a reality one day or realizing that death happens and is okay. Make eye contact with her when you talk about it, hold her on your lap and soothe her when you tell her that everyone dies one day. Acknowledge that it is a sad thing for people, and that's why it is important to give lots of hugs and kisses now (and read books together, go to the park, all the fun things that make life happy!) One thing I pointedly say to my son is "I always want to come home and hug you!" Also, I explained that, even if Daddy and I got sick or something, he will not be left alone, that either Auntie so-and-so or Uncle so-and-so would be there. This seemed to go a long way in calming his fears.

In quiet moments, I fear that I will die or my spouse will die. I allow myself these emotional outlets because I have to be gentle, trustworthy and positive when my son and I talk about it. I trust that I am doing what I can to prepare my son for that loss, if it comes sooner than I want for him. Having a will, designating a guardian and setting aside funds for his future help calm me, too.

Hope you can find peace and extend it to your daughter.

sending you a private message

ooooh boy, what a can of worms they have opened up. i am so sorry that this happened - altho if it makes you feel better, i have a girlfriend at work whose live-in father in law just passed away in her house, and she has a four year old. it is a harsh reality they're having to deal with right now.

i think maybe you should be talking to the school counsellor, or someone with some actual training in these things. i'm sure that the teachers had the kids' best interests at heart, but the thing is i just don't think preschoolers are ready for this kind of talk, and like someone else said, if/when it happens it probably should be up to the parents to decide how to deal with it. i am sad that your daughter understood enough to get freaked out, but obviously there are a lot of things she hasn't grasped about it. she's just not old enough yet. i think you need a counsellor's opinion. but hang in there, whatever level of reassurance she is needing, it's obviously going to take a lot of love and patience on your part. poor baby. i would probably be outraged if it was my child, but that's a purely mama bear emotional response. hope you can figure out exactly how best to help her.

You must be or should be livid. Your daycare is utterly irresponsible to have taken it upon themselves to explain something that should be left up to the parents at their discretion. Let me repeat that your daycare is run by irresponsible idiots. Get her out of there. Children that age should not have to shoulder the burden of knowing that everyone dies. Your daughter will most likely require therapy (which your daycare should pay for) and I am sad to say that this is almost a loss of innocence that will plague her childhood.

When I learned the facts of death as a little girl, I too started sleeping with my parents for the following four years, until I realized that they could die whether or not I was with them. I consider this topic to be the biggest burden I had as a child....it kinda ruined my childhood.

I suggest you call Dr. Laura for expert advice on AM980. She will rail on you for putting your child in daycare in the first place, but after that she may have something helpful to say.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, I suggest you make this a learning moment. Teach your daughter that even though everyone dies, it is in our hands how long our life is to a certain extent. According to Dr. Oz, if we eat all the right things and exercise, avoid stress, etc., it is plausible to live until 150 years old. Teach her that if she eats right (not candy and soda) and takes care of her body, she will live a long long life. Teach her to make the most of it. Set herself up to travel the world when she gets older, do everything that she can to make life worth living.

Good luck. I'm sorry to hear this happened.