2Nd Chance??

My own choice? (As in a choice I've already made). Nope.

If I wouldn't let a stranger who is x, y, z around my child... I won't let family who is also x, y, z around my child. But that may just be me. I don't understand lowering the bar for family. I mean... Joe Schmoe is a pedophile. So I don't let my son around him. Uncle Joe Schmoe is a pedophile, so I take my son around him? Suzy Q is a verbally absusive alcoholic. So I don't take my son around her. Aunt Suzy Q is a verbally abusive alcoholic. So I take my son around her? Sarah PlainNTall is nasty to me, uses me, does mean stuff to my kids... so I don't want her around me or my kids. Gramma Sarah PlainNTall is nasty to me, uses me, does mean stuff to my kids... so I want her around me and my kids?

It just doesn't make sense to me.

Tough question. I try to minimize the craziness of my life so to invite it in would be hard for me. I don't like to pull people into my kids life that won't stick around and be solid for them so if she can't be that them, I'd have to say no. I'm sorry for both you and the kids. She's missing out on so much...

Well, being in the same boat, I probably wouldn't. In fact, I haven't. My mother called me a few months ago and I didn't bother to call her back. I haven't spoke to her in 3 or 4 years. We didn't have a falling out prior to me no longer speaking to her, but I just grew tired of her behavior. I was tired of speaking to her when she was half-drunk or in a horrible mood because she was either jonesing or hung over. I didn't want her asking me to take my kids when she was in a questionable state of mind. She has seen my son a handle full of times, and as a matter of fact, the same thing for my daughter.

Here is how I see it. Her and I can go 'round the dysfunctional merry go round, speaking one day, not the next, but when kids are involved someone needs to get off. I'm trying to keep them sane. Since I cannot control anyone but myself, I was the one to end the ride. No one really understands what it's like to deal with a dysfunctional family member. It's not like you're dealing with an emotional healthy person here. It's not like you got into a little spat and need to make up. It's usually much, much deeper than that, and it needs to be addressed...sometimes by a professional.

It sucks, you may feel bad, you may wonder what if, but at the end of the day, only you know what that relationship is like. Unless your mother is trying to change her behavior for the better, you should maintain distance until you feel 100% comfortable that it's all good.

I am not one for being nice and keeping up appearances. If I'm done, I'm done. There is no, 'Sure we can meet." Meanwhile, I'm cussing under my breath, and checking my watch waiting for it all to be over. It's not worth my mental health. Kids can feel the tension. It's just not nice.

So, nope, if it were me, I would not let her see my kids unless she can prove she has changed, and that cannot be determined over dinner or on the phone.

No, I wouldn't, not even for supervised visits. If she is so disrespectful to just wipe you and your kids out of her life without a second thought, then no, she doesn't deserve ANY chances in my opinion. Since you kids are little now, they won't know her so its no big loss. However, if you let her back in, and it doesnt' work out, then the kids are old enough to remember her and then that is another problem. Easier to cut your loss now. Lots of kids don't have grandparents, by choice or not. Good luck.

Aw the fun of dysfunctional families is great.Small supervised public get togethers is what my sister does with our mom, thankfully they are on the west coast so I don't have to deal with it much

I would take her in small doses. Welcome her when she comes around, but be grateful when the drama leaves. Don't instigate rules or feed into her pity stories. Keep conversation on the weather and new recipes you learned. Send her a birthday and a Christmas card every year, without any expectations of her returning the favor, that sort of thing.

I would also not play up her visits or her role as a grandmother to your children so that they won't ever have to deal with being let down by her. She is your mom that randomly visits every once in a while. If meeting up at a public place for lunch would be best, then I would suggest that.

Yes, I would let her around my kids, but always in a supervised and friendly setting. My friend's grandpa was the same exact way. My friend figured out as an older kid that his grandpa wasn't reliable, or even that good of a person... but he cherished those very few memories they had together. One year, out of the blue, his grandpa gave him a cheap old wallet as a birthday gift. He has that wallet still, 20 years later.

No. You need to set your boundaries and YOU set the rules of the relationship*(if there is to be one.)

She doesn't just get to cut you out of her life and then come back in when she feels like it. She needs to earn it. The respect, the time, the relationship etc. All of that is earned--not entitled to. You need to protect your children from her and do not let them spend ANY time with her until you are back on track with her, trust her, feel comfortable with the relationship etc. If you want to give her a second chance, she needs to prove herself to you first and work on things with you first before any talk about the kids. Be firm, be kind, but stick to your guns!!!! She needs to apologize and own up to everything before you can move forward with a relationship. Best wishes and hang in there!

M

I dislike the idea that she has to "prove" herself.

I think she can visit--on YOUR terms. If she's drunk...she can leave.

People DO change. I've seen dramatic changes in people.
You never know.

Good luck!

I would allow her around the kids, as long as it is supervised. Your mother hurt you, not your kids. They don't know to be hurt because your mom didn't send them anything for xmas or birthday or whatever it was. As long as you don't let on to them that the SHOULD be hurt, they won't be. Unfortunately, you will feel the sting, but you have to suck it up and keep it to yourself.

No, I wouldn't. Not until she proved that she has changed. That means obviously being different, and staying changed for more then a short period of time.

I, for one, would let her visit. Nobodies getting any younger. She's trying....now your turn. Don't dwell on the no apology no explanation thingy.

I'd let her visit ME at MY house where I was there to be in charge of the situation, because she's my mother, but I would never ever leave my kids with a babysitter who drinks on the job. Related to me or not.

id allow her around your kids but only when u are there... however i wouldnt have texted her back saying no i wouldve texted saying ok?? but why all of a sudden we havent talked in how long?? .. i wouldnt have just said yes and let it go id want an explanation

Constant crazy behavior would have me keeping her out of my children's lives.

Having a few drinks while hanging out with my kids is no biggie. If they were drunk that would be different.

When you say they were drinking.. were they drunk, or just having a glass of wine?

Had you made it clear you did not want ANY drinking around your daughter?

I agree that I have a toxic relative that I have learned.. she needs to stay away or things get crazy.. She blames me and I do not care, because I know the truth.. I do not like drama and will not waste energy on it.

That's a hard question. I'd let her around the kids SUPERVISED but would never trust her to take care of them on her own. I would also be sure to tell her in advance that if she were to ever disappear again and leave your children heartbroken for their grandma, I would not give her another chance to hurt my kids like that.

Honestly I'd never speak to her again....that's just me. She's a danger to your kids and to you...just my opinion.

Short answer, NO! The relationship really doesn't matter if it is toxic, and you need to do whatever you can to protect your kids as well as yourself. As the grown daughter of an alcoholic father, I can honestly say, you are doing your kids a BIG favor by not letting them get hurt, dissapointed or let down on a regular basis, etc. Believe me, they WILL find a way to make it about hem, and their fault in some way. (maybe if i was better behaved or got better grades grandma would come to my birthday party, or maybe if I sang better she would have shown up to my school concert) You do NOT want that kind of BS in your child's life, especially since YOU are not the drinker. Stick to your guns on this. I will give you an added tidbit of info on my personal experience.............. MY alcoholic father NEVER came around my kids when drinking or drunk. That didn't matter. He still acted like an alcoholic mentally, and also would break promises to my oldest daughter all of the time because the bottle was more appealing than staying sober to spend time with her. She was always let down anyway. I finally had to end the relationship. At age 3 she told me that she wasn't a good granddaughter because he didn't want to come play with her. Yup, THAT was enough. I will be thinking of you and stay strong! <3

No. At least not until she can get her act together. I'd let her know that you are trying to raise your children in a healthy environment with honesty and love, neither of which she puts forth. Let your mom know that your history is not what you want for your own daughter so it's best that until she can get her issues resolved and after you and her can straighten things out THEN enter grandchild.