...

Since it is 20 years later, I would not say anything. You have been the bigger person all these years by having them over for long stretches so why spoil that. Difficult I know.

Why not ask them the specific reason they didn't come. Perhaps they felt he wasn't ready and you were getting the short end of the stick. Maybe they had someone all picked out for him and he fell in love with you and it was hard for them to switch thoughts.

I don't know but I'd certainly want to clear the air.

True forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Imagine how it would feel to truly forgive them!

That said, I think part of REALLY forgiving and forgetting ( the more important piece of moving in) might involve actually talking to them about this. Bring it up at the *right* time. Perhaps looking at wedding pictures or as an anniversary nears.

Say something like "Jane, it hurt me very deeply for a long time that you and Joe did not attend our wedding. You probably thought your son was making a mistake. As a parent, I can understand your concern, but do you still feel that way after 20 years?"

Just hearing the response MIGHT be enough to finally get past this.
It will eliminate the 600 pound gorilla in the room.

i too would have a hard time REALLY letting getting of something that big. but we all know (at least those of us of a certain age) how toxic it is to ourselves to hold onto resentment.
so for YOUR sake (not theirs) i'm glad that you have put on the Masque of Pleasantry and made nice. also very good for your husband and kids.
i don't know how to get past it any better than you've done. the naturally sweet gals are capable, maybe. i've got more stormcloud in my psyche so i'm not sure i could do better than exactly what you're doing.
if the resentment truly leaves at some point, that will be awesome. but if it doesn't, here's a big fat ATTAGIRL and some armpit noises for handling it so maturely and adroitly.
khairete
S.

Maybe they never apologized because they were embarrassed at their poor behavior and would rather just forget about it and move on.
It seems like that's what they did, I think you should be glad and move on too. Life is too short to hold onto resentment.
Besides, haven't you ever heard the saying, harboring anger towards someone only hurts YOU, it's like swallowing poison over and over and expecting the other person to die.

Holding a grudge isn't giving you what you really want; them to say sorry for boycotting your wedding. Its kind of like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

You need to either bring it up with them in a non confrontational way or just accept it as a crappy thing they did 20 yrs ago and move on. Putting on a brave face with every visit keeps them at arms length from the real you.

Personally I'd probably just move on. You can't change the past, they've accepted you and compliment you on your parenting skills. They feel comfortable enough to spend time with you in your house. I'd say that things got off to a rocky start but they've made you a part of their family. Forgive them for being stupid and get on with enjoying time with your hubby's family. Fwiw my mil came to my wedding and she was a witch to me until the day she died.

You seem to all get along at this point.
They probably figure that just coming over is apology enough (they are not boycotting you now).
Perhaps they thought you were not right for their son but you've proved them wrong.
After 20 yrs, it's time to let it go.
Forgetting about it will take a weight off your back.
Holding this grudge is hurting no one but you - so let it go - it's time.

It's been 20 years and they have made some form of peace with you by having a relationship with you. Forgiveness has very little to do with the other party involved. It has everything to do with you. If they NEVER apologize for how you perceive they offended you, how can you move on?

Based solely on your post it doesn't seem like they are holding onto the fact that they didn't attend your wedding.

Here is something tangible you can do that may help. Get a piece of paper and write down your feelings about them not being at you wedding. Get out as much detail as you can. Get a few helium balloons and tie the paper to the string and let the note go. As you let the balloons go and the note goes too. Let the negative emotions, the anger, the disappointment, and whatever else you have been haboring against them for the last 20 years GO. Let it all just go. Then after you watch the balloons take off and sail away. Think of ways you can become more bonded to them. Think about the good things about these people. Think about the good things they have done with you or how they have opened their heart to you. Some people are really bad at saying they are sorry but try to show you how remorseful they are through their actions.

Even it this is not the case with them. It is easier to shower them with love than for you to continue to harbor this anger for any longer.

I hope this helps. I'm praying for you.

When my husband and I got married we rushed it at the court house because we found out we were pregnant with baby #2. We were engaged and planning a wedding, but we needed me to get his insurance, so we did that. No one was there. His family lives far away and my family didn't know if they should come or not - tensions were hard then. That was 10.5 years ago.

My dad apologizes to me at least once a year, and my mom hates that she missed it too. Emotions at the time were what they were and my husband and I hold no anger or ill will towards them. Plus it was a Wednesday at 2, it was just so rushed.

When my baby sister got married two years ago we all tried to get her to NOT marry her husband. He did and does treat her and my niece poorly, and after 7 years we just really don't see ANY improvement in him. We all went though because we love her and did it for her. She also did the courthouse, but it was much more planned. There was a lot of tension between the families unfortunately...

Basically, I'm saying it was 20 years ago - time to let go. You forgive them or don't. Your husband still married you despite his family not wanting it, so that should tell you something. If they have come around to support the union, then I say embrace it and stop letting it take up room in your head and heart.

So I call what you have a grudge.

Complimenting your parenting and coming to stay with you sounds like they are showing you that they know that they were wrong. I'm not saying that it's right, not trying to make things right with you. They should have apologized long ago.

Why didn't your husband deal with this long ago? He should have. I honestly think that most of this is his fault, letting them in your lives without clearing the air.

To be honest, there's probably nothing you can do. They don't care and probably never will. Your husband has accepted this in order to have a relationship with them. It has cost them your love for them. And it's something you will just have to live with.

Morning
Interestingly enough, I had a similar situation. In my case, it was my biological family, in particular my sister and her grown children who did not attend my wedding. Additionally, prior, my sister had agreed to do a reading and that her granddaughter for whom she was raising at the time could be my flowergirl. However, although we had been discussing it via the phone for months leading up to the wedding, it's only when the invites went out that my sister, for whatever reason, stopped speaking to us... That said, she didn't attend my wedding and nor was my little niece in it... As of last year, we had been talking once again (although never once did we discuss why she stopped contact with us) ... well turns out, my niece who was suppose to be my flower girl was now getting married and I still wondered to this day, why my sister ceased contact with us.. so I took a chance and FINALLY asked the question.. why didn't you attend my wedding and why didn't you allow my niece... I thought I was prepared for the answer... but do you know what I got.... IT S none of your business.............
that I wasn't prepared for and after her snide comment and many to follow...
Once again,we are no longer in contact and this time... I won't be trying to mend things..

My advice to you... IF you do pose the question about their boycotting the wedding, make sure you are prepared for any answer they throw out or don't throw out.... sometimes we think that if we muster up the courage to very diplomatically and delicately pose such questions that in turn, the other person(s) will appreciate our honesty and in turn, answer our question........ and of because of it, the air will be cleared.... go into the situation with no expectations, otherwise you ll be hurt. However, it sounds like you are still hurting...
in my case.. I don't regret asking the question.... because for years I had this notion that IF only my sister and I could talk about things, we could become closer... NOT. I was living in a fantasy.. the big argument that ensued, although never netted me any answers... it gave me the reality check that I needed which was this... some things you will never the know the answers to.... and turns out, in some cases, who cares...

weigh your options.. is getting an apology gonna make you hurt less or say you got one, then wouldn't the question then become.. why not sooner, why wait all these years... these things have a way of going round and round in our heads... consider this.. can you live without the apology or do you need it more than your husband and kids need those people in their lives... I don't mean to say... you don't deserve an apology.. but... even if you confront, you may not get the answers you need/want....in fact, you probably won't, because after 20 years, their recollection of things WILL have changed... and instead of answers, you ll just get more drama...

forgiving is not forgetting.... but if you can eventually forgive, it will allow you to move forward freely.. believe me, as someone who has held a grudge for years....... I was the one still hurting while others moved on.. grudges don't change the other person for the better... they change the person holding the grudge for the worse....

I applaud you and think you are a great wife and mother (and daughter-in-law) to put your feelings aside so that your family can have the joy these visits bring to them.

I had a sort of similar situation with my mil. She showed up to my wedding wearing all black! It always gnawed at me a little (it really bothered my much-to-southern mother!). When we had been married almost 16 years she became ill and I helped take care of her. She never loved me...I married her son and that was bad enough...but she learned to accept me a little bit. When she died, it was me she called out for in the hospital. Two years have passed since the funeral and now I can laugh about the wedding. Everyone looks at the wedding pictures and comments about her outfit. There is no way to hide it. But I was never mean to her; I never let her know how it made me feel. And now that she is gone, I don't have to worry about the guilt of having said something mean to someone who was otherwise nice to me.

Try to let it go. All of your feelings are justified but I would imagine it isn't easy for them to visit and compliment someone they didn't like so much that they missed out on their own son's wedding!

Everyone has struggles in this world - some are just more obvious than others. People can be mean and do stupid things. Keep doing what you have been doing - you are teaching your children a wonderful lesson just by your attitude. You are doing the right thing! It will come back to you...just be patient:)

I actually disagree with bringing it up and talking to them about it. I think if THEY have moved on and are now treating you all well then it's only going to make them upset knowing that you have a grudge still 20 years after the fact.

If they boycotted the wedding because you guys were young or something like that, well, time heals all wounds. You guys have clearly survived when maybe they thought you wouldn't. You know what they say, the best pay-back to someone is living a good life. You have done that and they see that now.

If anything, I would maybe mention it to my husband and ask him how you can get past it. But really I think its up to you to just let it go. If they are nice now and supportive then THEY have let go of whatever issues they had with you guys 20 years ago and it really is time for you to do the same. Good luck.

Resentment is a nasty thing to hold onto. I'd let it go and try to enjoy the present and future with your in- laws. Perhaps they realized they were morons and our trying to make that up by visiting and complimenting you.

My husband was going to not go to his own sister's wedding or be in the groom party as he cant stand her fiancé. I told him he would regret it and he needs to suck it up and move on.

I can imagine how hurt my sister- in- law would have been if he had not gone to the wedding not participate. However, family is forever, and to goal on to hurt feelings will only damage your ties.

Life is way too short to keep the negative inside.

Learn to let go and be at peace.

20 years is a long time to be angry, and yes, it is a grudge.

They did something very hurtful, but then you chose to allow them to be part of your new life together anyway. Doing that without first forgiving them was a mistake. You never forgave their slight.

Now, two decades later, the precedent is well set. You will need to make peace with the choices you made years ago. You will need to find peace within yourself to let go of this.

I also suspect you harbor anger at your husband, even if the idea seems silly to you. You stated that your in-laws are in your life "because of your husband and kids" but that usually comes about when the husband didn't take a stand for his wife early on.

If you have not seen a therapist for your long-simmering anger, I suggest you do so now. First alone, then perhaps later with your husband. Try to make the next 20 years wonderful, instead of tainted by this cloud. It is about you now, not your in-laws.

I have not had that experience, however my brother did. Almost none of my sister-in-law's family attended his wedding due to generally screwed-up relationships in the family. Over time, they did come to have more contact and my bro/sis-in-law did a fair bit for her parents, however the relationship has never been close. Her father now visits periodically (mother died several years ago and he's got a nice new wife) and I get the sense that my brother does not harbor resentment about that event.

I certainly can understand your feelings, and it seems that you are at a point of wanting to resolve them so you can move on. Then, you might be able to be comfortable with them and perhaps even develop affection. My read, based on what you shared, is that you need to find a way to work through those feelings and let go of them. At this point, the feelings are only hurting you--you are stuck in resentment. Your in-laws seem to be behaving lovingly, and as M. Scott Peck said, love is as love does. Also, the best indication of regret is changing one's behavior--in many ways, changing one's behavior is worth even more than saying "I'm sorry." Changed behavior ensures that the same unkind actions will not happen again. Or are you afraid that they might do something similarly unkind again, namely you don't trust them?

Anyway, there are some good suggestions below for how you might work through the feelings, and you may find some way yourself. Good luck with it--I know for myself, it can be a real challenge to get through things.

At this time, I would let it be water under the bridge, since you are unlikely to receive the apology you are looking for. Take the smooth visits as a sign of their acceptance of your home and life now. You could be facing a MIL who never did get over it. My friend's grandma talks about her DIL with venom like her son married her yesterday...it's been more than 30 years. She's been an undermining influence with their children and just an all around pain in the @$$ their entire marriage.

I would consider it more of a business relationship. You don't have to love them. Just get along when it comes to family functions. Forgiveness doesn't have to come with forgetting, but sometimes forgiveness is just a means to move on for your own sake. A friend of mine says holding onto anger is like holding a hot coal and expecting it to burn the other person.

This happened 20 years ago. Your inlaws have moved past it. It's time for you to move past it. Do not talk with them about your feelings. The feelings are yours and yours to deal with. Bringing the subject up 20 years later is likely to stir up their feelings from the past and open a new wound. They accept you now. Telling them you've been faking it all these years will hurt them and cause them to question you. Let them accept you as you are now. Don't go back to the past. We cannot change the past. Twenty years of anger and resentment makes you miserable. Let it go. If you can't on your own find a neutral person to help you.

That is a huge emotional issue not have closure on. The concept of forgiveness and resentment and moving on get all confused and complicated when they have been involved as your say yet not mature enough to say a simple, Hey I'm sorry, we were mistaken.....I wish we would have come.....that is a simple conversation to have.

I'm curious if you have asked your husband about this as well?

Ditto ONePerfectOne's approach...but only if you are prepared to let the situation totally go after bringing it up.....you must Let It Go....afterwards.

They should apologize. But it's hard for many people to do. As Mamazita says, they are probably just trying to forget about it and move on, and make up for it by complimenting you and being nice when they visit.

Actually, having relatives compliment you and be nice when they visit is pretty wonderful, and somewhat uncommon, judging by my own experience and some of the posts we've had on this site over the years.

I think you should count your blessings and let it go. They have probably matured and evolved in the past 20 years, even though they still haven't learned how to apologize.

It's so hard to get past an old hurt like that. It was a pivotal moment in your life, and if you look at photos, there are a whole bunch of people who weren't there.
They either didn't like you or didn't approve of you, based on bad information or preconceived notions.

20 years later - you have won! They visit your regularly, and not just for a perfunctory amount of time but for long stretches. They like and enjoy you. They honor and support your marriage. They think you are a terrific mother. They know they were wrong to oppose you. They are letting you know in every possible way that they accept and love you.

You want more. I don't know what their personal, cultural or religious objections might have been. Maybe they were immature and shallow. Maybe you don't know their reasons and still want to. Maybe you do know what their reasons were at the time, and want them to apologize. So you have two choices: you recognize that you have proven them wrong and you came out on top, OR you sit down with the one or two who you are closest to or think are the most insightful/regretful and you outright say you wish for an apology. The only problem with the 2nd strategy is that they may think less of you for harboring this grudge for 20 years and never bringing it up before. Maybe they are still shallow and can't admit they did anything wrong. Maybe, of the 100 or so things they could say, 98 of them won't be what you want to hear or won't be enough. Then you will set back this situation you have now where they behave warmly to you and your entire family. Ask yourself now if, after 20 years, an apology will satisfy you, or would it just make you stew even longer because it took so long?

They were jerks, they hurt you, and that's awful. Sometimes the greatest triumph, though, is in looking out over your "empire" - a very successful marriage, a happy and warm home with great kids and an open-door policy with people who have treated you badly, and the appearance of forgiveness of people who did you wrong. The only thing missing is real forgiveness. You haven't really forgiven them because you are still angry and hurt. Forgiveness means you let it go - it's a gift you give yourself, and it's not anything that anyone else can give you. Meantime, maybe there's something good about these people, some gift they can give you, that you can't receive or enjoy because you are still ticked off.

So I think you are still holding a grudge, and haven't forgiven. I think you either have a confrontation, or you get some short-term counseling to help yourself get through this. 20 years is a long time to be miserable because some other people were cruel.

I think, if you're still feeling hurt after 20 years, it's time to sit down and talk. Let them know that you still feel upset about it and would like to let that go.

Sometimes just getting it out there, clearing the air, talking it through, can make all the difference. Silence suffocates. The only way you can move past and heal is to discuss it openly and thoughtfully.

You're holding a grudge. The next time they come ask them why so that you can let it go. You are not going to be able to let it go until you find out why. I am a grudge holder which is something I have been working on for years. I am now able to talk over the issues I have with the person I am holding a grudge against and I can tell you it makes me feel much better especially finding out that I am the problem.:) So ask so that grudge can go away and you can actually have a good relationship with your in-laws instead of just tolerating them. Good luck

That is a very long time to hold a grudge.

If they actually addressed it and apologized after all this time...would it give you closure?
Or what is the outcome/behavior you'd like to see here, after all this time? Would it change how you felt?
Just food for thought.