How to Forgive Parents Around the Holidays

i'd have my own family thanksgiving and leave them out of it. They are not the kind of people you want to be around.

D.,

The situation you described was demeaning and demoralizing... intentionally. Why would you want to take your husband and baby back into that?!?

Would you be eating leftovers again, in some back bedroom? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? I say its not about forgiveness! Its about reality and self-respect. Build a meal for yourself and your husband and child. Invite another couple or family nearby if you want a bigger crowd. Make new traditions with those that play a positive role in your life. Relatives are those with whom we share DNA. FAMILY are those friends and relatives that feed our soul WITH LOVE AND SUPPORT. We can't choose ouR relatives, but we CAN choose our family.

If your parents ask about your decision be vivid and open about how demeaning and shabby their treatment was. Tell them that if their treatment was an indication of their love for you and your family then you are sure they wont miss you.

I have stayed with family during transitions like you describe. They were gracious, welcoming, and helpful. It's not like you moved in indefinately and werent helping with expenses. The treatment you sufferred at the hands of family was beyond disgusting. Be good to yourself and your husband. Don't set yourselves up for more of the same. A burger and a movie would be a better Thanksgiving than a repeat performance of last year.

This isn't something i think I could forgive. They sound pyscho and sadistic and it is hard to believe that they were EVER loving like you say. I would stay away from them. They showed you their true colors and you can't forget that. And I would make sure that everyone in the family knew what they did.

Don't go there! They are toxic! You can work it out another time, but don't put that pressure on yourself and your hubby to go and "make nice" just because of a family holiday.

I like what one poster said about forgiving but not forgetting. We are going through a horrible time with my inlaws right now, and I am trying to get them to realize that we DO forgive, but we will not go back into a controlling relationship with them. Forgiveness doesn't just mean letting them take another crack at you......
Be true to your real family, which is your husband and your child. Don't put yourself back in that abusive environment again.

You can be civil and kind to your parents, but keep your eyes open and your armor on!
I know people who treat their barn animals better than your parents treat you. They sound like sick people.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting...... I read a great quote the other day.
"Those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it." If you brush it under the rug, they WILL continue to treat you, your hubby and your child badly.

I am so sorry for what you have gone through! I hope you find peace and strength!!!!

Wow, they made you BOIL WATER SO AS TO NOT WEAR OUT THE HOT WATER HEATER?

I have to say the way you describe the situation borders on mental illness. THank Heavens you only had to be there a short period of time. Thank Heavens you got away!

OF COURSE you shouldn't 'hold a grudge', OF COURSE you should 'forgive them'.

That doesn't mean you HAVE to be around them! That doesn't mean you HAVE to go to their house for holidays.

Why not just tell them it's certainly NOT about the abusive treatment you received while temporarily living in their house, you've forgiven them for THAT!
It's just you and your husband may want to start your OWN holiday traditions now and are looking forward to spending it at home with each other......or something to that effect.

Usually I am all for letting by gones be by gones with regards to family, but I also feel the word 'family' is defined by more than just a gene pool.

Good Luck, ENJOY the Holidays, surround yourself with those you feel love for and by whom you feel loved, whether you share their genes or not!

:)

You can "forgive them" but that doesn't mean you have to share the holiday(s) with them. They sound just awful, sorry. I wouldn't go. I was thinking your post must be a punk b/c of their behavior..so if it IS the truth, I'd rather hit the drive thru at Mickey D's than eat there.

i would forgive but i would not forget. move on it doesnt sound like they are nice people

They really treated you badly.... and your husband/child.
...making you eat last and only allowed to have the leftovers.... and not even allowed to eat at the "family" table.
Whoa.
Pet dogs are treated better than that.

I would be hurt too.... and really be wary of them... from now on.
It is toxic, what they did.... and sadistic and mean... they did not have to do that to you nor your husband and baby. But they CHOSE to treat you that way.
It was their choice....

I am really sorry.
But I would not want to join them either, this holiday.
Don't feel forced....

"Family"... is not family.... if they treat you that way.
Friends... are often better "family."

all the best,
Susan

A wise man once told me, "Relatives are what you're born with. Family is what you make."

That said, I love my family, and my relatives can blow it out their ears.

Do what's best for the mental health and stability of your family, and if the relatives don't like it? Well that's their problem.

WOW. I am sorry you had to go through that. My intial thought is that you can forgive but you won't forget. You need to work through it more - it's still really bothering you (at least it seems that way) and I don't blame you. I would simply tell them that you know it was stressful to have you in their house, however, they behaved in a way that really hurt you. You want to move past it and get back to "normal" however, that wont' happen by Thanksgiving. Inform them you will be having a family holiday with your immediate family and maybe next year, after you are able to work through this with them, then you hope to have it together. I just think if you don't deal with it and find peace somehow, then it will fester, and putting your family in that situation again (if only for a day) is a bad idea. Take good care.

One year before I was even married my mom told me my then BF whom I lived with was not invited to Thanksgiving becasue she didn't like him, yet everyone else was invited with there significant others. I said no problem, I'm not coming. I made a beautiful meal had friends come over that had no family and till this day it was my fav Thanksgiving day. What your family did to you IMO is unforgivable. They also put you in a situation that you couldn't buy your home. Nope, If it were me I'd be on the internet looking up great recipes and stay home, with the people who truly LOVE me. Happy Thanksgiving.

A few thoughts come to mind for me. One is that disagreements and misunderstandings are never one-sided. Your side is very compelling, the way you describe it. And your parents also have a point of view that feels completely valid and defensible to them, whether outsiders would see it as sane and reasonable or not.

Is it possible that you weren't grateful enough for the inconvenience you caused your parents? It sounds like your living with them was a rather unplanned event, and they may have taken you in only out of a sense of obligation, but seriously wished you had worked out a better plan. So there might reasonably have been a certain amount of resentment from day one about having their home crashed, and probably picking up at least some extra expenses on your behalf, not to mention saving you rent for however long.

So if you want them to acknowledge that their behavior was less than welcoming, you and your husband may need to acknowledge that your behavior was less than (fill in the blank). In almost every case, the qualities, flaws, or behaviors we criticize in others, we can also find in ourselves if we seriously look. Can you go there? If not, perhaps its unrealistic to expect your parents to go there. They did you a rather large favor.

Secondly, you will probably get farther in a discussion of these events if you were to keep it on the level of "feelings" and "needs," without labeling your parents as controlling, selfish, or whatever (those are "concepts," and are subject to endless argument and defensiveness). Your feelings of distress are completely justified, at least until such time as you choose to nurse them and turn them into a grudge. Your parents' distress is equally justified from their own point of view. Both of you had needs that were not met by the living situation. If you can empathize with the distress they felt, they may be able to empathize with yours. A great deal of healing can come from this. If you'd like to know more about how to do that, google Non-Violent Communication, and check out the basic steps involved. Both parties don't have to know the process to make it work.

Finally, forgiveness is more for you than for those who have offended you. They won't suffer the stress, negativity, and health effects of smoldering anger, at least, to nowhere near the same degree that you will. And that very negativity can also make it hard for you to forgive, kind of like getting caught in a whirlpool that's hard to escape. If you are really committed to doing the work of forgiveness, for your own good, I hope you'll visit www.thework.org to learn a wonderful process that I have found extremely helpful. Look for the "Judge Your Neighbor" Worksheet, fill it out as vehemently as you possibly can, and then ask the Four Questions and do the Turnaround. The results can be pretty remarkable, and help you find your sense of humor about your anger. You can also watch other folks doing The Work in front of audiences on a whole range of issues.

I wish you well, D., and a happy day of thanks for your whole family. Keep in mind that forgiveness is letting go of all hope for a better past.

Oh my word! I can't imagine parents treating their kids like that! Even if there's more to the story that you didn't share, My parents NEVER would treat us kids like that! I don't think you are ready to let it go. I would pass this Thanksgiving and hope you can mend your relationship in the near future. I would try to talk to them though. Maybe there's something you did that bothered them that you don't even realize you did.

Don't hold on to it for too long. I lost my Dad last year 21 days after he was diagnosed with cancer and I am so thankful that I got to enjoy those last days loving him like I did every other day and not apologizing for disagreements.

Happy Thanksgiving, D.!

That is some BS if I've ever heard it. Knowing only one side of this story, I would kindly reject their invitation and let them know that you are going to start tradition with your family at home :) IF and ONLY IF you and your husband agree, go over for dessert and stay a short time. They may never realize the hurt they caused regardless of what you share with them.

You should probably stay away until you are ready to let it go.

forgive them and move on...however, maybe start hosting holidays at YOUR place if they want to come, they follow YOUR rules if they don't they miss out

I don't think you're ready to forgive.
And I don't think they're anywhere near ready to apologize.

It's really sad that this kind of thing has happened to your family.

Is your husband's family anywhere near by?
I think spending Thanksgiving with them would be a much better choice
for this year's celebration. If not, then your own little immediate family
is probably the right choice for you this year.

Sometime in the next year or five or 12, I wonder if you could get together with, for example, one of your mother's sisters or some other (carefully selected) person to talk about your perception of what that period was like and see what that person says. I'm pretty sure your mom and dad have absolutely NO IDEA of how stressful/difficult/painful this was for you.
Not only were they unaware during, their memories since have quite likely softened; they are sincere when they protest. It's not that they're denying your experience; they are simply stating their own.

In order for you to move forward, away from your anger and resentment,
it would probably be helpful to spend some time with a therapist.
You need some tools to diminish, perhaps even let go of, the anger, et al.
No. You are not in the wrong. But talking with a therapist can help with learning tools to reframe some of our painful experiences, in order
to move forward without continuing to carry a very heavy burden.

Wishing you a joyful Thanksgiving with your immediate family
and hopes for healing in the years to come.

Don't go to your mom and dad's house this year.

I'm going to share what happened with my hubby. His Dad & him got into a huge argument about 6 years ago. My hubby felt his Dad was being very rude to his wife. (They had been married almost 30 years). They did have their ups & downs, but my hubby was always closer to his Mom and was sticking up for her. Anyways, after my hubby yelled at his Dad, his Dad didn't speak to him for 2 years. In that time, my hubby didn't spend any holidays with his parents. His Mom would call him and keep in touch and also go for dinner with him without his Dad knowing because they were so close & she missed him. Finally, the first year my hubby & I were together, we invited his Dad & whole family over for Christmas. It was uncomfortable at first, but was a start to rebuilding their relationship. My hubby & I got married in 06 & his Dad & Mom were a huge part of our wedding. We all had a great relationship & they put the past behind them. In 07, I got pregnant. My FIL was sooooo happy & proud of his son & ecstatic about being a Grandpa. And Grandma of course was shopping for baby clothes & filling up her home with items. In August of 07, 2 mos. before my daughter was born, my MIL passed away. My hubby & his Dad became even closer, as my hubby really helped his Dad get through it. Things were tough, holidays were tougher. In March of 09, my FIL died of cancer. He had been in stage 4 for over a year, but couldn't tell us. We had tooo few happy holidays with both my in-laws. My hubby & I miss them immensely. My point in this long story, life is short, and you just never know when you will lose a loved one. Never did my hubby dream we'd be facing every holiday without his parents. (By the way, they were both in their early 60's with no health issues previously). Find forgiveness for your parents, pray about it. Take them aside BEFORE the holidays & just enjoy some time with them & talk & listen to them. I would give anything to spend time with my in-laws again.

.

Please remember that forgiveness is about you, not the person you are forgiving. For you to forgive your parents is for you to say "I am no longer going to allow you to bring negativity about that situation into my life". It does not mean that you are "letting them off the hook" or that you are a weak person.
But just because you forgive does NOT mean that you have to go back for more. Forgiveness is one step in moving on, and sometimes it is healthier to move on without certain people that you have forgiven in your life.
Good luck!

Why would you accept this from anybody...much less family?? I think family should be held to higher expectations than friends or co-workers. You wouldn't spend time with people like that....why do it now because of genetics. Make your own life, traditions and happiness. Good luck!

A little late to this post, but I want you to remember that now you are creating childhood holiday memories with your child. What kind of memories will they be?

You are doing the right thing by not going to your parents for Thanksgiving. You and your family deserve more. One day your parents may be the ones knocking on your door and you can ask them if they would like to be treated the same.

Hmm. They probably don't see it as having done anything wrong. They probably see it as they were doing you a favor, they were supportive, they bent over backwards, they gave an inch and you took a mile...

The question is do you want a better relationship with your family? It sounds like you are still too upset to have anything good come of this right now. If they re-offer an invitation to Thanksgiving, I would consider accepting. They might let you in the door. Otherwise, I would plan something else. Golden Corral offers a good meal. You could use the excuse of wanting to have Thanksgiving at your new place, make new memories, etc.

Man oh man, If I believe even half of what you are telling to be fact, then I vote for staying as far away as possible. As psycho as my upbringing was and parents still are, we were always welcome in the kitchen and at the dinner table to share a meal. Yes, whatever happened to including family? To unconditional love? Are your parents that broke and tight for money that they act like this at all meals with others? And the entire Thanksgiving leftover meal saga - I can't even comprehend that scenario ever happening in my home with family.

You really had to play severe avoidance tactics with them and then pretend you were all happy to be there? I'm sorry, but I think a pause in the relaitionship is a healthy choice for you all. Leave the door open, but take some much needed breathing room. And I hope when your children are grown and gone and come back agian you will treat them with love, tolerance and for heaven's sake cook meals together.

Hi,

I am so sorry that your family treated you and your family with such hatred and disrespect. Their actions are inexcusable and it saddens me that anyone could treat someone that way. As far as forgiveness, you have to decide if you want to forgive to do it for you--- its giving yourself the gift of forgiveness because it releases the power and emotion that they have over you. It doesn't mean that you are saying what they did was right- it is giving yourself the gift to move on. My suggestion is to write a letter to your parents and to tell them how you feel, how their actions made you feel etc. Since they won't be receptive in person or acknowledge their wrong-doing, then the next best thing is to send the letter. This way you are getting the validation that you need--- you can say how you feel and that you are working on forgiving them. When you are ready, you will let them know-but they really mistreated you and hurt you. If they want you back in their lives they are going to have to show you that they are sorry and are worthy of being around you. Choose others to stand in as your family--- just because they are blood, doesn't mean they qualify as "family". You can have a family of best friends and that is ok! Best wishes--sorry this was long.

Molly

You have every right not to go to your parent's house. Besides they had other children living there and I guess you guys were the straw that broke the camel's back.

How were you to show how grateful you were? Were you supposed to say something daily about a place to say or pay for more items or utilities or what?!?

May you have a happy holiday with friends or with your "immediate" family. No one should be treated that way. Life's too short and they are too toxic.

The other S.

PS Yeah they say forgive and forget but it sure hurts. Some people never understand what they have done to cause a problem to family members. Now you know their true colors so beware.