A.S.
Hi there - I do really feel for you. Its tricky enough dealing with the terrible two's, let alone with another new baby in tow. Firstly, I hope you are getting a bit of rest and support, to help you re-charge your own batteries. We often have less and less patience when we're tired or over-worked ourselves. Don't feel afraid to ask for help - some people just don't understand what its like because they have never experienced the same situation, but we just have to explain it to them, or they never will! Also, once you are able to feel a bit more rested yourself, I think the most important thing re: your daughter is to try and understand what she's going through. Not only is two year's of age a very frustrating time, when one struggles to explain one-self, but she is also probably becoming more and more aware of the outside world, the complexities, the difficults etc and then to have Mummy taken over by a new baby - this must be a very frightening and frustrating situation indeed. If you can really try to put yourself in her shoes, maybe you will have more luck in containing your own anger? Because, although most of us would feel the same, and anger is a perfectly natural reaction, it could really become a viscious cycle. Let me re-iterate that you are having a totally understandable reaction - after all you must be tired and quite stressed as well with the new baby. But, the problem is that she's also having an understandable reaction and your anger (if consistent and severe) can have a detrimental effect on her, as well as your relationship with her (which you are becoming aware of already). Perhaps some other people might be able to offer some extra practical advice about giving time outs, rewarding positive behaviour and trying to spend some really good, quality time with your daughter - making an effort to see (really LOOK for) the lovely human being inside, and beyond the hairazing behavior! I think if you spend MORE time with her, give her more attention (if possible!) especially while she is behaving herself, and try to see her side of things, you might see a gradual reduction in the severity and frequency of these tantrums. Putting in place a strategy for dealing with the actual tantrums themselves, but making sure you do not get too angry (more often than not - the odd time will just happen when your tired etc) might also help. Also, when you've really gotten angry with her, and perhaps upset her more, and are feeling perhaps a bit badly about it, why not use that as an opportunity to practice modelling how to say that you are sorry? If you do feel sincerely sorry, then this can be a very positive lesson for a child, and can also show her that you don't just think she's a little monster, you do respect her as an individual, and that sometimes its her BEHAVIOUR that really makes you angry (always critique the behaviour not the personality as they are separate but closely linked things)... but, that you know she has reasons for feeling the way she does, and you are just trying to learn yourself about how to manage these episodes because they are indeed trying... etc. Well, you'd say things a bit differently to a two year old perhaps, but hopefully you get my drift! If any of this makes sense to you, but you'd like to talk about it a bit more - feel free to email me. I do feel for your situation, and am fearful myself about having a second one, because of exactly those sorts of reasons! By the way, it might also help you to know that tantrums are perfectly natural things for young children to have, and in fact they can be a positive sign that your child is recognising her own right to assert herself. In otherwords, as hard as they can be to deal with, you'd rather have a few tantrums than totally passive behaviour - in the long run, she could well have better self esteem than the passive types!
