22 Year Old Going from House to House

do not financially support him. If he's in your home, he has to complete a chore (or chores) before using your food, your beds, your shower. No more free rides.

& most importantly, do not nag him. He's not hearing a word you say. Stand firm on your requests, don't raise your voice. Have a family conference, write your requests on a poster board & hang it up - including seeking counseling, & don't give in to him when he wants to bum off of you.

We went thru this with our oldest son......it was a nightmare! BUT there is hope, & redemption can be found. We are very proud of our son for making forward-movement choices.....& enjoy our time together! The "lost years" lasted from ??15 to almost 22. A long, hard haul for all of us.

Being the mom of an adult child is so hard - I know this from personal experience. Mine are 22 and 24 and I would rather have them toddlers again. One thing that I've learned is this - they are ADULTS and this the time we MUST let go, step back and let them learn and fall on their own. Sometimes they fall hard - I mean REALLY hard and it breaks our hearts to stand back and watch but it's vital to their "growing up" to go through these things. For me, I've learned to pray - ALOT and I've had my share of tears doing so but when I realized that my "stepping in" was costing me my health and peace of mind and it was doing more harm than good, I stepped back and let "life" take it's course. They are not going to mature unless you take your hands out of the situation. Set boundaries - "If you leave again, then please understand as much as I love you, this is NOT a bed and breakfast - you need to have a job and you need to respect this as MY home and not keep coming and going. Make your decision now because this is the rule - stay and be an active part of the family or please go out on your own and understand once you leave. that is it - you must find a place to live on your own." If you don't do this - trust me, you'll have more stress and strife than is necessary. Good luck my friend - you CAN do this and you'll be happy you did.

Ohhhhh. Poor kiddo.

Strong 2nd to therapy.

If he'd been in a year longer the military would not only have paid for therapy, but there would have been over a months worth of classes for your son outlining some of the following + transitional help (nearly every ex servicemember has to deal with some depression when they leave whether 6mo, 6years, or 46 years. As a matter of fact, the suicide rate is fairly high. Esp amongst folks who end up having to take a low-status or no-responsibility job (like fast food) in order to pay the bills. Not because there's anything instrinsically wrong with the jobs, but because of how the employees are treated and their own self worth. You're given so much RESPECT in the military, so much RESPONSIBILITY that turning around and having someone treat lettuce, or ketchup placement like it's life and death drives a person over the brink). :

Also a suggestion or 2 about employment;

-there are dozens of mercenary companies operating stateside. Ahem. Security Consultants. Same skillset, better pay, more control, equally dicey. So if he wants to stay military, he can.

- Similar direction: there are lots of semi-military type jobs. From avionics, aircraft mechs, search and rescue, sniper schools, shooting school, martial arts training.

Similar direction : Non-miltary, but active/adrenalinish jobs: rafting guides, demolitions, scuba, climbing, parachuting, zodiac tours, boating...tons and tons of special interest type jobs.

Patience Pays: Did your son ever want to be a pilot? 4 year schools complete with financial aid actually offer a degree in flying. Or linguistics, or politics, or heck... just about every imaginable thing. Specialized skills are also taught by schools (like underwater demo, or ATC, or horse training, or paramedics.

Your son has OPTIONS but if he's depressed he probably can't SEE them. Therapy &/or meds will help him see those options.

I agree fully with Cherylann's response so no need to rewrite it! I would add that you might point out to him that you know he's growing up and wants his freedom, but that the current situation is not supporting him in helping him achieve what he really wants. Perhaps that might help him see a different perspective as well as put the responsibility for what he is complaining about back on him.

Tough love is just that - tough. And it's love.

Good luck!

I would take him for a "annual physical" at the health clinic which is free and tell about his mental state. Get him a low dose of antidepressants. Think of it like blood pressure medication. If he had high blood pressure you'd make sure he had meds and depression is the same. If left untreated for a long time there are so many repercussions. if hr takes an antidepressant and starts feeling energized and good about himself, he may want to go work at Home Depot or even Monkey Joes or Play in Roswell. The last to are fun jobs!

After reading your post twice I am going to say something. You can't possible go down to a one bedroom apartment with a child in the home and expect to keep that child. It is not acceptable according to child welfare standards for any member of the family to not a have a private area they can go to and be alone. You can select a smaller 2 bedroom apartment and be okay. All it takes is one referral by some well meaning person and they will be involved forever in your business.

It is a very sad situation that you have described. My daughter turned 18 in boot camp, got stress fractures in her feet during PT and then came home, spent one night and moved in the next day with a man my age who owned a strip club, which is what she still works as today. She has been nearly always a homeless adult, sleeping where ever her head hits the pillow for the night, does drugs, trades a nights stay for...well, you know what, she can't hold a job, can't get along with anyone long enough to draw more than one or two checks...she turns 31 in November.

My advice is to have a candid talk with him and tell him you have to have $XX.XX a month extra or you are going to loose your home. You should tell him he has until XX/XX/XX to move his things or you will have someone set them outside for him.

As I see it you have a couple of options.

1. He could move in full time with grandma and then she has the authority to say what and when to him and that relieves you from the day to day stress. It could make your life much more enjoyable. Visit with her and find out what she says about this option.

2. He could also visit with his friends about being their roommate, of course, WE know it can't possibly last but it will be them being the bad guy. when he gets kicked out for not paying rent you wont' have any place for him to stay anymore.

Finding a mental health worker for him to talk to wouldn't be a bad idea either. He won't get better until he faces the issues and decides to make changes on his own.

Realizing after I read some of your earlier posts that your abusive husband is deceased and your sons lost a father at an early age, helps me to understand more of what is going on.
Your sons didnt have good life-skill role models from the get go. This is why it's so important for people to realize that staying in an abusive relationship is not good for the children. They did not learn to have respect for you because their father didnt teach them that, he taught them the opposite and you allowed it by not standing up for yourself.
Going to family counseling now is probably impossible. If your sons have a glimmer of the need to have a better relationship with you, maybe they will go to therapy with you, but it's highly unlikely. What you can pray for now are some good daughter in laws that would be on your side and help bring your sons closer to you. Chances are your daughter in laws will be treated as you were in your relationship with their dad, because thats ALL they know. It is very unfortunate and I feel for you.
You say you have health issues of your own, these may be caused by stress. You should seek a therapist to help you get back on track and help you to realize that you are an important person that should not be treated like a door mat.
It is time for you to put your foot down and don't let your 23 yr old continue to act like a child. Change the lock on your door and tell him you are finished raising him, and he can come back once he holds down a job for at least a month and can help you pay rent and buy groceries and do his own laundry. In other words, when he can become a productive roommate for you, you will let him live with you, other than that let him be someone elses roommate..... no one else will put up with the laziness, so why should you? You are only making him lamer by allowing him to run you down and be a burden.
You still have one more younger son in the household. Let him see you stand up for yourself, let him see you be a strong survivor, let him see you pull yourself up by your bootstraps and be a strong, independent woman. There is hope for him if you teach him by your own actions that there is hope.
I think you should get on the same page with "Grandma" and she shouldnt let him stay with her either. You have to let him hit bottom so there is no where else to go but up. It's not easy but you need to do it.
In the mean time, look for a better paying job for yourself, re-invent yourself and quit living as a victim.. move on.

I know how you feel. For some reason, so many of his generation feel this sense of entitlement and that they don't have to do anything and that we, because we're their parents, owe them a living forever. My daughter had the same entitlement issues. I finally just had to sit her down and explain to her that she is an adult now; the time of me being responsible for her is long over; that it's not fair to me to keep having to spend my hard earned money taking care of her because she refused to take care of herself; and that I will only care about her future as much as she does so if she's not worried about working and supporting herself, then I'm not worried about supporting her either. At that point, all was cut off, including the free room and board, and she was made to pay rent or get out. Needless to say, she got out, but it wasn't long before she was asking to come back. Hard as it was, I told her no and left her homeless. Well, she still didn't care enough to get a job and still doesn't so she's been homeless on more than one occasion, but that's her chosing. She can get a job if she's worried about it. It took a little time, but she and I do have a fairly good relationship but she knows my boudaries and its been so long now that I really don't worry too much about her. I've come to learn that she can and will take care of herself. Not the way it would or I would like her to, but it's her life and she's living it her way and it's fine with me. you need to practice some tough love with your son. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, but it does get easier after a while and you will both figure out how to have a relationship that you will both enjoy. don't get me wrong, I still do help my daughter, but on a limited basis.

Mom,
It is time for some tough love with your son. He will continue to take advantage of you just as long as you and Grandma allow him to do so. Tell him that, unless he has a job by his 23rd birthday, he can no longer live with you - and then stick to it! There is absolutely nothing wrong with working at McDonald's - at least it generates some income. Tell this kid to get off his bottom and become a productive member of society instead of freeloading off Mom and Grandma.