20Th Anniversary & Renew Vows

Updated on March 27, 2015
S.T. asks from Huntington, NY
11 answers

This coming December we'll be married 20 years. We got married at a judge's home on a Friday afternoon. We had been together for a few years, we were in contract to buy a house and had just found out we were pregnant. We didn't have any extra money and we didn't have any connection to a church at that time so my DH and I went throught he snow to the judge's house and out to dinner afterwards. (I had been married before but my husband had not.)
We went through some really tough times (actually all but the last two were really tough!) Now our marriage is better than it's ever been, things are good, our kids are growing up well and we're looking forward to retirement (we were older when we got married). I've always hoped the day would come when we could renew our vows - and now that we are both Christians, DH suggested we do so for our 20th anniversay with our pastor (who we are close with). Becuase we're both pretty committed Christians it does take on a more significant meaning to renew our vows before God instead of simply a judge!
So now the question - anyone have any good ideas for this? Our anniversay is during Christmas season so a celebration outdoors is out of the question. A restaurant may be more expensive than we want to go for (not sure) but we'd like to make it special without being too wedding-y. If we do something causal we can invite all of our friends and family (I have a large family) but if we do something at a restaruant or catering place it would have to be smaller. And since it's Christmastime many people are so busy. So should we put it off until January or just keep in Dec knowing that some people just won't be able to make it?

Any ideas are welcome - we have a completely blank slate. The only limiting factor is that our church won't allow alcholic beverages in the building so while it's an option for the venue many of my family members would be put off by not having alcohol -(funny since we have a deep and wide history of substance problems in our extended family...)

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M.W.

answers from San Francisco on

What a beautiful journey. THAT is what marriage is! It is not perfect but two people working together all along the bumpy road.

I think it would be beautiful and meaningful to renew your vows at your house of worship. Then, invite everyone back to your home for an "open house" type celebration. Have drinks and a bunch of appetizers along with dessert or a wedding cake. You can cater it or make the foods yourself...or even enlist some friends to help you make the food items. I have helped make food for friend's wedding receptions. They bring me the groceries and recipe and I make the item. It is doled out to a bunch of us then we drop it all off at the reception hall or home.

I don't think the date matters. Do it when you can relax and enjoy the wonderful occasion!!

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L.A.

answers from Austin on

Can you renew at your church and have a small reception at the church hall?

Make it simple. Smoked Turkey, potatoes of some sort and a big fresh salad., mixed fresh vegetables, Rolls. Served Buffet style.

Wedding cake, sparkling cider, coffee and iced tea.
Centerpieces can be your family photos on frames. And poinsettias.

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E.G.

answers from Atlanta on

I echo every sentiment on here about what a fantastic thing it is for you guys to have weathered so many storms and come out, 20 years later, devoted to each other. Your children have weathered the storm also, and now are poised to become positive, contributory members of society. That, to me, speaks volumes about you guys.

Trudging through snow to the judge's house? Okay, call me silly, but, aside from you not wanting things too "wedding-y", have you ever really felt like a bride? Osohapi, I and probably a bunch of other people can relate to ancillary individuals really f'ing up what originally should have been the most special period of times of your lives. When that happens, it can indeed leave a "black cloud", to quote Osohapi - one that, for me, didn't go away until I had a "redo", ten years after the original date.

By redo, I do not mean registering for gifts, or requesting your guests bring you presents. You guys sound like you are perfectly capable of providing material things for yourselves. When I say "really feel like a bride", I am referring to buying and wearing a beautiful gown, having someone fuss over you on the day of whatever you decide to do. with your hair, your makeup, etc. For me, this was an element that was pitifully lacking for my original "day" and it was very important that I be able to experience that. For some folks, it's not a big deal. For me, it was important. Different strokes, ya know?

Since you, your husband and your children have literally made it through the proverbial storm, what do you think about a piece of jewelry presented to them during your ceremony. For me, it meant sterling silver bracelets with a single charm for me from my husband, and the same thing for my two daughters, who were our flower girls. My husband, who drew the line at wearing a bracelet or a pendant, was given an agate stone keychain.

In terms of officiant, we had one. One of the things that was so heartbreaking, for me, on our original wedding day, was that the officiant, who was suggested by my mother, because he would inject the Judaism into my wedding that she thought there should be, and I did not, ignored just about every single thing that I wanted him to do during our ceremony. I felt terribly dismissed by this. The officiant we had do our redo was a godsend. She was a woman I found through a local herb store. She does these ceremonies as "love offerings" and was a lovely, deeply spiritual woman and I was so fortunate to find her.

While my family (both immediate and extended) unfortunately played a large part in the sadness and heartbreak that surrounded the original day, for our redo, they flew out from California to be there for us. That spoke volumes to me.

I bought and wore a new gown, I had all three of our hair and makeup professionally done (mine and our daughters), and hired a photographer for this event. Nothing expensive, as we had a just-about miniscule budget for this, but what we were able to put together was really beautiful. The setting cooperated (a gazebo over a lake, evening, middle of the summer, with the sun peeking through the evening rain). Ever think what sort of beautiful music birds and crickets make at night? It's really, really pretty.

Whatever make your heart soar on this day, you should do it.

All my best,

E.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

I love Laurie A's idea - keep it simple.

Reception at the hall and I love her idea for food and centerpieces.

I think that's a lovely idea.

You don't want to be burdened with planning a big event and if it is Christmas, you're not going to want the extra stress.

I think it's easier if people are all at one venue instead of having to drive different places. A church hall can accommodate quite a lot of people, and having the ceremony at your church will be very special :)

If your family and friends are in town for Christmas, then it really makes sense to have it over the season - and it can be very pretty. I went to a Christmas wedding once and it was beautiful :)

Sounds like a very special day! Twenty years is a long time :) wonderful to celebrate it

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T.R.

answers from Milwaukee on

One of the sweetest vow renewals was done by a couple @ our church a few years ago. I can't remember if it was 20 or 25 years, but they chose to do it in the summer months (even though they were married in Feb/Mar-ish).

She dressed up in a white dress, he rented a tux, & their (grown) children were "best man" & "maid of honor" standing up for them. They held it in their own house, so she came out the back patio door into the yard, where all their friends & family were standing to see them renew.

Everyone who came brought a dish to pass, & our church coordinated who was providing what (we have small "sectors" so each was assigned a food type). Overall, it was very sweet, & meant a lot to them to be able to have everyone they were close to be there for their reaffirmation.

So, don't let your actual anniversary date "hole you in" to when you need to celebrate your marriage. Do it any time of the year you want! It doesn't need to be done @ your church (unless you are yearning for a more traditional experience, but then I would think that a formal wedding gown would go with that, & it doesn't sound like you are looking to go that route... my friend had a beautiful dress, but it wasn't bridal).

Just do what feels right for the two of you, & just like your wedding day, keep the importance of the celebration @ the forefront of your planning. And, CONGRATS on making it 20 years strong! T.

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P.K.

answers from New York on

Renew vows at church, reception at home in January or Feb. sometimes you can rent a community room at local fire house or ambulance corp if you do not want to do it at home.

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M.P.

answers from Glens Falls on

Congratulations!! This is such a happy occasion to celebrate!

Since you have a blank slate right now, try writing out your most important goals. Is it more important to have everyone you love in attendance or will a small celebration feel just as meaningful? Once you have the general size of the audience, you can focus on the budget. If the size is large, perhaps you can enlist the help of some the best cooks in your family, or even make it a potluck style gathering at the church. It does seem like January will be an easier time for most people to be able to attend. As far as alcohol vs none, it would be pretty offensive if someone decided to be "put off" if YOUR celebration doesn't service their need for alcohol. Have a great time, and again, congratulations on a successful marriage!!

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

Have it at your church hall. If it is an option that cuts the cost. The people you will invite to this will be the people who mean the most to you. You can do bottles of that sparkling juice for a toast. We did this for our 25th but did it at home. It was in june so outside was an option except that it was very very hot. So most people stayed inside. We only had about 25 people. Our very closest friends and our family.

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O.O.

answers from Los Angeles on

Definitely, I'd consider a full on Chuch wedding vow renewal and a nice sit down dinner at a fabulous restaurant after. O. with a private banquet room where you can cut a cake and dance!

Personally, I would opt for a luxurious cruise or island getaway because the planning does not appeal to me. But if this is what you want? Go big or go home, right?

Congrats!
(I remember when "being married for 20 years" sounded like an eternity--but now it's almost here--goes fast, doesn't it!?)

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F.B.

answers from New York on

You don't have to be governed by the calendar. You really don't you can have it any time you'd like. A country club, yacht club, golf course, catering hall would do the trick, as would any restaurant in an off hour/ off season. You can even have a clam bake at the beach with corn, potatoes, and beer in coolers if that suits your style.

Congrats on your anniversary.
F. B.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

If your personal beliefs are that alcohol is a sin or that it's not a good choice then do NOT bend for people that like to get drunk and party. What a sad situation.

Have your wedding. Please understand that I'm going to say you should go all out. Have a train, a bouquet, bridesmaids, groomsmen, music you love, so many things can make this a special day.

I do NOT think you have to spend a ton on this wedding. I see people on TV spending tens of thousands of dollars and I am appalled. Why spend that sort of money on one day? That's more than a teacher makes in a year!

Why not have a nice wedding where you spend the majority of it on yourself. Give yourself permission to do what YOU want, hubby too of course, and let the rest of them make their own choices. Ask your bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses if they can. If they can't then maybe split the cost in half, of choose less expensive dresses. They can carry a single flowers with ribbon. The guys can wear a single flower in their lapel.

There are ways to cut costs that don't cut elegance. You're older, you might even be expected to have a more serious celebration. You don't have to throw the best drunken party of all time to have a successful ceremony.

Both of my weddings were in a church chapel and the reception was in the gym/large room. I had cake and punch at the first one. The second one we had donations of food from the sisters of the church. No alcohol was no alcohol. If a person didn't want to come in the next room and share cake with us then bye bye loser.

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