20 Month Old Tyrant

for him hitting you is part of the attention getter. My son did that to me as well. I have asked my son's preschool teacher about this issue. She advised me to ask my son " are you keeping mommy safe?" It worked for me. Whenever he try to hit me, I will ask that and he stops. As for whining, I completely ignore him. Until he use his words. When he behave, I give reward by spending time playing game with him. I hope it helps.

Hi J.,
First, just take a deep breath and know that this will not last. During this 2-3 year age, everyone I know has had periods where their sweet child disappears and a tiny terror is in his or her place. But it is usually just for a few days or a week, especially if you put a plan in place and act on it consistently. All kids go through periodic "clingy" stages and you can comfort them while taking steps to re-establish independence.

Second, being consistent and loving about how you tell them the behavior is not acceptable will shorten the time period.

What has personally worked well in our house is for me to first explain what the appropriate behavior would be, and ask her to make a choice. Then if the inappropriate behavior continues, I give my daughter "room time." Some people use a naughty step or a time out - I don't think it matters where or what the space is for them to think about what happened. The difference in how I do it is I don't specify how long (time wise) she needs to stay there. She just needs to stay in her room until she can calm down and think about making a better choice. When she is calm and ready to behave differently, she can come out. She still loves her room and plays in there on her own - it's just her space to get herself together again. The nice part about this approach is that the first couple times, my daughter was defiant and stayed in her room for 20 minutes (a lot longer than the traditional Time Out for a 2 year old, but it was her own choice), and after a few days, it only took a few SECONDS (a lot shorter than the traditional Time Out!) and she'd calm herself down, come out and apologize. Now I usually just need to say "Do you need some room time to think about this?" and she usually says no and adjusts her behavior.

Third, try this if he really wants your attention: "Okay, mommy is going to play with you for 10 minutes, then she needs to make a phone call. What would you like to play with?" Give him your full and undivided attention, really have fun. Then near the end of the 10 minutes, say "One more minute, then you can continue to play with this and mommy is going to make a phone call." If he then throws a tantrum, see above!

Finally, you've ruled out tiredness and hunger, have you ruled out an ear infection or other health-related issues?

Best of luck! Warmly,

L. Still
Life and Leadership Coach
www.buoyantlife.com

I can relate. I haven't even had peace to go to the bathroom lately. We use kind of the same idea as room time. We let our son sit in his crib until he can be happy. With our older one he had to calm down first, but that seems too hard on this one. Sometimes he'll sleep, (5-10 min) but usually he rests with his bear after he's done crying. If he's excalating, I'll go in and ask him if he thinks he can be happy. He'll reach for the crib if the answer is no, otherwise he snuggles with me. He loves his crib and his room, he just far prefers to be with others, but when he gets over stimulated, he needs the quiet time by himself. We use the crib since the boys share a room, because he gets into his brothers stuff and destroys it when he's mad, so that's an issue we'd rather avoid when we already have an issue to deal with. I'm definitely going to watching the other posts. I'm always open for more suggestions.

Hi J. -

Have you ever heard the saying "You don't know something until you know it?" That's a pretty good description of toddlers and negative words. Their brains don't process negatives, negatives are a learned behavior. So when you say "don't - no - can't" they hear do and can. For example, your toddler reached for an electric plug. You went over there and said "No, don't touch the electric plug." Your toddler heard "touch the electric plug." Ok, not in so many words but a child can not - not do something until they do it first. Make sense now???

Another thing to remember is that children are mirrored reflections of the behaviors around them. They will reflect back your frustration but since they don't know how to verbalize it, it gets acted out in poor behavior. Get down on your child's level the next time they throw a fit. Ask them, face to face, eye to eye, what is the problem - yes they will be able to understand you. In fact, their level of communication may surprise you. Mirror their behavior and words back to them. When they see and hear their own behaviors being acted out in front of them, they get a new understanding of how frustrating it is for you.

Hope this helps.

M. M. Ernsberger
Mind-Body Therapist
Children & Family Life Coach
www.hypno4kids.com

Hi J.,

I am a mother of 5 so I hope I am experienced enough. It sounds to me like your son knows how you work, and what to do to get his way. Kids are smart and they figure us out faster than we do. My suggestion to you is to show him who's boss. You are the parent, not him and he needs to be reminded of that. I suggest that you invest in a chair and some ear plugs. The chair is to sit him in the corner, whenever he starts in on one of his tantrums. You may have to hold him in the corner for the first few times until he figures it out. The ear plugs are for when he sits in the corner and tries to get you to let him out, by doing whatever it takes, which will probably be the screaming and whinning that you hate.
Be consistant, and be loving but firm. Don't be afraid of him being mad at you, the anger he shows you won't last as long as you follow through as a parent. He needs to see that you have boundries, and when he crosses them, he needs to learn that their are consequences for those actions. Then you are preparing him for the real world of actions and consequences.
The hitting thing, in my opinion, needs to be handled a bit more firmly. Just tell him "It is not ok to hit mommy!" and then maybe handle this one by putting him down for a nap or a longer timeout in his room.
As for other time outs, 1-2 min is probably enough. BUT, YOU HAVE TO BE CONSISTANT!! And remember, good behavior starts at home. It's easier now then it will be when he is older and don't forget, it's harder on you then it is on him!!!
Let me know if you need anything else,
G. P

Recently read an article in January 2008 Parents Magazine regarding this very issue. It is called "me mommy, you toddler" It states that we (the parent) need to meet our toddlers on their level. When a tantrum insues we should mimick their behavior (not to be-little their feelings) but to show them that we understand where they are coming from. It also states that matching and exaggerating gestures are most important but also trying to match your childs tone. Then when all is calm explain why they cannot do or have something they want. The article explains it better. ALso, that when our children are playing alone we should check in and let them know we are paying attention to the Good and the occasional issue. Hope this helped.

E. M.

Mine is 18mo and recently started doing the same thing!! I think it is early onset of the terrible.......what ever years. They are trying to test their limits. I am simply firm with a NO, and then I remove him from my "space". Lately this will bring on a "throw my self on the floor and scream", but when he realizes that it doesn't get him the attention he find something to do. I think we will all go through this stage eventually, but getting through it in a positive way is the only answer. Be consistant and firm, but love him when he needs the hugs and kisses!! Healthy, consistant disipline will raise healthy well rounded adults!! Keep your chin up, it won't last forever!! :)

He is testing you, time for you to lay down the law. If he flips out when you are on the phone, without stopping the phone conversation, pick him up, put him in his room even his crib, shut the door and walk away. Do not acknowledge him.
If he hits you, you grab his hand softly and VERY sternly say "we do not hit!!", then put him in the corner!! If he gets up, put him back in it. Do not acknowledge bad behavior other then to remove him from the area and put him somewhere to calm down. Do not give in when he whines and if he does, just say "I don't answer if you whine"...he will figure it out, sound like you have terrible twos (which really happen closer to three a lot of times) just sooner...he will figure it out soon enough. Right now is the perfect age to teach him to manners, not to interupt and be paitent, it is hard especially at this age but don't let him walk all over you now or as he gets older it will be harder. My pet peeve with friends is them allowing their kids (at 5 and up) to interupt calls or conversations!! It is just rude.

I might have one suggestion?...I'm a mom to be, so i'm not experienced with my own children but I do have a degree in child behavior psychology. So maybe this might help? worth a shot? I would say giving in is making the tantrums worse and it can get frustrating, but sounds like it may just be a phase. So I would say maybe using strick time outs. He knows what good and bad is at almost two and terrible two's may be coming out early haha It will be hard to enforce time outs or sometype of punishment at first cuz he will try to make you cave in, just don't and he'll get it, and positivly reinforce with something small (candies, m&m's or cheerio's) for good quiet behavior!

Just a suggestion, thought i'd try to help...

This just happened to me with my 18 month old. I was so lost because the way my child was acting was so out of character so I called my doctor office and they had him looked at to make sure he didnt have an ear infection (I knew he didnt) he actually was getting his "i" teeth. Once I gave him Motrin he was a lot better.

My 18 mo has started doing the same recently, too. Yelling and screaming when he wants something (and he is already pretty verbal so this is just for the effect/attention it gets) and whining when he wants something NOW. Throwing fits...I actually got out the "What to Expect the Toddler Years" book tonight to refresh myself on how to handle it! I seemed to have mentally blocked out our older daughter going through this phase--or what worked for her is not working with him so far. So far just doing like the other mom said and being patient yet firm and trying to teach what is/is not acceptable (i.e. no hitting mommy & daddy when mad). This too shall pass...hopefully sooner rather than later! I'll be interested to see what other tips you moms have.

Hi, It is not too early to start time out. Especially if you have seen to all his needs. Put him in his room and tell him he can come out when he can stop whining and crying. It won't hurt him to cry, it is actually good for the lungs. After 5 minutes, go in and ask him if he is ready to come out and play.

Works for my daughters 20 month old.

Blessings,
C.