My Daughter Started hitting....how Do I Stop It

My daughter at 22 mos still hits but she does it out of frustration when she can't communicate something. I tell her to be gentle and she will gently touch whatever she just hit and then I praise her so she knows that's the right way. I've also started to put her in time out but not make a big deal about it. If she hits, I say - no hitting. If she does it again, I just pick her up without a lot of fuss and anger and put her in time out and let her know that's why she's there. I think that behavior is typical when they are in daycare because they learn behavior from other kids and if she can't communicate what she wants/doesn't want. As for "slapping" her hand and butt - you are sending her mixed signals. You are "hitting" her for hitting!?!?! She's 19 mos - it's a phase that she will grow out of. Show her what you want her to do - not what you don't.

Hi J.. I'm going through this right now with my 21 mo DS. I am having a hard time finding something that works, b/c he tends to think it's funny if I squeeze his hand and tell him no. I've started paying attention to his behavior around the time that he's hitting, and I've found that he usually starts when he's getting a overly aggressive in his play, and usually focuses on the cat. I have tried removing the cat, firmly telling him no, and walking away, and that doesn't seem to work, either. So I've tried to redirect the actual behavior to let him see where hitting is more "appropriate" and where it is not. For example, he was swatting at the cat the other day, then swatted at me when I removed the cat. I told him "No hitting Kitty, No hitting Mommy. What CAN we hit?" and then I gave him a pillow from the couch and let him hit it. I found that by refocusing the aggression, he got it out of his system, and was ready to go back to petting the kitty nicely after that. In fact, now he'll say "No hitting Kitty" and then hit the pillow.

Who knows if this will work for long, but I just fear he's too young to understand time out, squeezing his hand didn't work, and I feel that hitting a child only creates confusion when you are telling them no hitting. I think if you pay attention to the cues around the time that the hitting starts, it may help you come with a method of redirection that works.

Remove her from the situation physically. Tell her in a very short, distinct way that hitting hurts. Personally I don't think typical time-outs (whatever time you give it) works for this age but I do agree with immediate physical removal in order to tell them hitting hurts. Hold her hands by her side as you kneel down and tell her in her eyes.

If the hitting continues, physically do the same thing only then tell her you will have to leave. (If it is at your home or you can't leave, then separate her from the others, telling her so)

I would not use spanking, as it sends a mixed message to her about hitting, especially at this age. Personally I could never understand why we expect a child to solve their problems without hitting (when they haven't yet learned another tool for it) and yet we might choose to use hitting to solve our problem with them.

Tell her "no hitting" and walk away. Totally ignore her and let her pitch a fit. Lock yourself in your room if you need to. She is doing it to get a reaction, who knows what exactly, but some sort of attention or make Mommy do something. She is clearly frustrated and that will only increase with a second child. Be consistent. If it repeats, put her in her crib or a safe room with no toys and leave her for 2-3 minutes. The bigger deal you make, the more likely she is to continue.

Also, pay attention to the circumstances that lead to hitting, so you can try to circumvent them. Don't give her an opportunity to work herself up to hitting. OF course every child will get frustrated, but if you know she does it in her fussy times before nap or when you hav ebeen on teh phone and ignoring her for 10 minutes or whatever. Try to prepare her better before situations arise and don't let them escalate to hitting.

In calmer times, talk about "nice hands" and "using words." Ask her if she wants to hurt Mommy. The librarian should be able to direct you to some books - "Hands are not for hitting" is a title I recall.

If you hit her, she gets the message that is what people do when they are frustrated, hurt, or angry. Model an appropriate response, and behave how you expect her to behave.

I think kids try this every so often to see if it works for them. My daughter tried it around 18 months, again close to 3 years, and again recently at 4 years (not hitting people but banging her fist into the wall in anger). It has never happened more than 3 or 4 times as I used the above strategy. I always ask my daughter, "Does Mommy hit you? Then don't hit me" or "Would you like your friends to do that to you?" Talk now about how girls who hit, can't play with the baby. She probably is too young to really get that the baby is coming, although she may sense some anticipation/anxiety in you. But she will learn the mantra of hit=no baby, hit=no baby, hit=no baby."

Also ask you daycare provider to be more specific about how they handle such behavior. Even if she doesn't do it there, she may see it there. Make sure they are on top of it, and apply your approach for discipline for consistency. Maybe they can even talk about nice hands in "circle time."

I think she may be confused what you are showing her is you cant hit me but i can hit you. I know first hand that at the time it is the first reaction, but i have trained myself to react with a calm reaction and it has seemed to pay off. Before i would hit back and say dont hit mommy then a lot of yelling and screaming, now if she hits i come back with a question like was that nice, or are you supose to hit mommy, then she has to stop and think of an answer and it seem like it distarct her from why she was throwing the fit. If that dosent work i just put her in time out, take away a toy or some other means of higher punishment. I now try to never hit and in the past 4 months she has gotten so good that she hasnt attempted to hit in over 6 weeks.i hope this helps. Take your time and know that all new things take time to work.

J.,

When my son was 18 months or so, (he's 4 now), he started hitting me and everybody for no apparent reason. I read What to Expect When your Expecting- Year One which gave me some insight. According to the book, hitting is a communication style that should not be misconstrued with an angry child and/or bad behavior. Oftentimes, children in this age group are flexing independence and learning how to use non-verbal communication styles. The child has no intentions of causing harm or lashing out. Slapping her hands will cause a response of alarm or shock to your child because the "hitting" she's doing is an expression, but not intended to be a negative one. My son would hit and flap his hands like a bird ready for take off. Sometimes his "hitting" was in conjunction with tenderness. His "hitting" got my attention-even while he was poking out his lips indicating to me that he wanted a kiss from mommy. Communicating in this "hitting" style may be expressed when the child is hungry, excited, sleepy, restless or frightened. It's her new style of communicating. The "hitting" could come from out of nowhere for no reason. It is truly a phase. Calmly, grab her hands and hold them for a second or rub her hands gently when the next "hitting" phase happens. After several months, I'm sure it will fade. Children that young tend to come up with something new for us to focus on every 3 months or so. Just wait for the next "new" thing she shows you!

Hi J.,

Just a couple of suggestions....make sure she's not watching ANY violent TV, no cartoons with hitting, no news, no anything that shows violence. Also, don't use violence (smacking her hand or bottom) when she hits, it shows her that its OK to do, if mommy does it. Try to redirect her and tell her to be gentle then show her what you mean by gently stroking her arm or face or whatever body part she has hit. We have to give our kids the 'right' behavior to do not just tell them what is wrong. Also, yes, it could be that she realizes that life is going to change once your new baby arrives, little people pick up WAY more than we give them credit for, they just can't verbalize it all so they act out. Make sure she is getting LOTS of love and positive attention. You may have already done this but you can do things to get her excited about new baby, read books about babies, let her help pick out a toy for the baby, etc. Good luck!
S.

This may not make you feel better, but it probably is just a phase. My son went through it, we put him in timeout every single time immediately, for consistency, so he knew he couldn't do whatever he wanted, but it didn't really phase the hitting like it did other behaviors. Then finally about 2-3 months later, he just stopped. Many kids will seek out attention with pregnancy and a new baby, even negative attention. Try to interact with her more when she's doing good and leave her in time out with no communication when she's bad, after a little while of that consistently it may curb the behavior. Be aware when the new baby comes that she doesn't feel left out because that will spark bad behavior to get attentions.

My daughter (now 24 months) started hitting at about the same age. I eventually figured out that she mainly did it when she was tired and couldn't communicate her point very well. When she did it, I would say "no", very sternly, then pick her up and hold her to me, and she would put her head on my shoulder and suck on her arm (what she does when she's tired). Then she would be fine after that. She would hit when I wasn't understanding what she wanted. Now her communication is better, as is my understanding of it, and she rarely, if ever, lashes out anymore. Good luck!

I obviously don't know for sure but I would bet that it has something to do with the new baby coming. My daughter was a few months older than yours when we had our second but she became incredibly attached to me as soon as she understood what was happening. Before and after the baby came she would sometimes get really frustrated with me - I think just because she didn't have me all to herself anymore. She did hit me a few times. I put her straight into time out if she was losing it; after a few minutes I would sit and talk with her about how we don't hit; she would have to say sorry and give me a hug and kiss before she could get out. I also figured out that I usually needed to give her more attention (books, etc..) when she was acting out like this - don't know if that applies to your situation or not. But I do know that she needed A LOT more attention her sister arrived and needed to be included on almost everything - which tripled my work but kept the peace. This wasn't the case for some of my friends whose kids couldn't have cared less about the new baby. Oh, she also hit the baby a two times. I grabbed her hand, made her sit on my lap, explained that we don't hit, and showed her how to touch the baby if she wants to touch her. Good luck:) From what I understand this is normal and will pass!

if nothing has changed at home,i would investigate something going on in daycare. drop in unexpectedly during day , talk to other parents, maybe switch.

you should keep on hitting her (rather hard) on the hands so that she knows it's painful. Hitting is a very bad habit and kids start with their parents and do the same with other adults.

Hi J.,

Take some parenting classes. Get into a support group for moms.

www.kidspriorityone.org ###-###-####

Slapping a child, teaches them to slap and hit.

New Parent Support Program ###-###-####

Hope this helps. Good luck. D.

Jeniifer,
Your daughter is experiencing many changes at her young age. Her verbal skills are still developing.
Yes, your expecting a second child has a large part to do with her behavior. Your slapping her anywhere on her body is not a solution to her hitting. When she is not hitting you is a good time to sit down and talk about appropriate and not appropriate touch and how it makes her feel and how it makes you feel. It helps to tell her right at the time she is about to hit, that it is not acceptable, and ask her what she wants. She might need to draw what she is feeling. She also might do well with some more physical activity. She is finding her way and her boundaries.
Speak to a develpmental pediatrician if you can't find a solution.
L.

Hi J., My son did that briefly though it usually seemed to be more playful than anything, him just not realizing it hurt me. If he hit me I would quickly drop my head and jut out my lower lip and wimper a little bit as if I were crying. Then I would ignore him for a few minutes--even turn my back if he tried to talk to me or get my attention. He quickly got over the phase and we haven't had a problem since. This was advice I got from my mother as she said she did the same thing with my sister and me. Hope it helps!

My son went through the same stage at about the same time, I slapped his hand a couple of times out of frustration but I found that it only increased his behavior. I instead started to tell him that he couldn't play if he was going to hit and removed him from the situation physically and then talked to him about what he could do to handle the situation instead. Of course since he couldn't talk his choices for healthy communication were limited but I would talk to him about leaving a situation if someone was being mean to him and getting me if he needed something. Of course I always emphasized sharing and praised him whenever he did so which also helped a lot.

I believe VERY strongly in natural consequences for my children's actions so whenever my son does something like throw a tantrum he get ignored or put in his room if he's too loud and he isn't allowed to play if he won't play nicely. The only thing he gets spanked for is when he runs out in the street or anything like that where he is putting himself in physical danger, I grab him and swat him just once very quickly and just hard enough for it to sting a little. As a result my son rarely crying during a tantrum nor does it usually last for more than a few seconds anymore, he plays better all the time, no more hitting and he is MUCH more cautious making sure he's holding my hand and that I've said it's okay to walk when we cross the road. He still has his problems from time to time but I really think that teaching your children the natural consequences of their actions helps them to become better adults and makes the job of parenting a lot easier in the long run.

Good luck.

i'd agree that swatting her is sending the wrong message. and i'm not sure timeout is appropriate at this age. with my daughter i would say, 'that hurts mommy!' and put her on the ground quickly and walk away. just for a couple of seconds so that she learned that i would not stick around to be hit. so would often start crying and i would pick her up right away and tell her why i put her down. this was not punishment just a clear message. if i were out in public i will hold her hand firmly and telling her that she's hurting me. these methods worked for me quickly.

HI J.,
my daughter also who is now 20 months tried the hitting thing about two months ago and I got the best advice ever and it worked. When she wen't to hit or swat at me I would grab her arm squeeze it slightly pull her to me and say (firmly) do not hit mommy it hurts my feelings, then she would go to time out. I had do do this for about 2 days but she no longer hits/swats. I hope this helps. Let me know if anything else comes up since our daughters are the same age.. Good Luck!!