2 Part Question Regarding 10 Yr Old Daughter

I have a very sensitive daughter so I hear you there. Perhaps for the holidays you can ask her what she would like to do. Let her give you some input. Discuss what you will be doing and how she can help and be involved. If you have some discussion about it ahead of time she may feel more comfortable and understand the expectations.

On the 2nd part, I have just t he opposite problem. My girls are always wanting to dress up. I have to persuade them to dress down for more mundane occasions. My girls wear uniforms to school though so that may be why they want to look fancy every weekend. I don't believe it's unreasonable to expect kiddos to dress appropriately.

I think she is being pretty honest with you by telling you the "expectations" make her nervous. I remember my mom stressing me out like that when I was little, wanting me to say thank you right away. Lots of times I'd still be milling over my present and I would get told I wasnt appreciative and need to say "thank you" and get a lecture on how hard she worked to buy me whatever it was...... ANYway, that took the joy out of receiving the gift.
I dont think it's unreasonable to have them "dress up" for a holiday, especially if you are going to be taking pictures.... and taking "play" clothes along is the best way to go. Kids hate being told to "stay clean" when they want to play.

Of course your daughter is in tears !!! I would be too if you did that to me. Her
'expectations' were to get the Easter basket she had received for 10 years prior - it IS part of the holiday. All kids want to get that - my 15 and 16 year old still get that from the easter bunny. Why would you think 'other things' could replace that ? Your child is hurt because your ruined the holiday for her.
And as far as unreasonable for your holiday photos - why should they dress up when you do not even celebrate it the way they want to ? You don't give them the basket, yet you want them to dress up ?? No go. Forget it. Let your kids wear what they want and be happy with that - you should have 'no expectations' here.....
What you should do now is apologize, go out and get the easter basket and give it to her !!

I'm just going to throw this out there and say that she might be nervous about your reaction based on your excitement and your...yes....expectations.
You put thought into things and you wanted her to be happy. You also sound like you are pretty structured about things, which isn't bad, but maybe it doesn't feel very spontaneous.
I think people put too much pressure on everybody about holidays. In general.
Holidays are supposed to be fun.
There's nothing wrong with a little formality.
I put my kids Easter stuff out for them the night before while they were asleep. They would wake up and go out to see what was there. I could hear them up and let them check their stuff out then they would come to get me so they could show me what they got. The rule was no eating anything without mommy first. And, since I could hear them, I knew what they were doing. That way, it was a surprise and they were excited and I wasn't hovering over them to see the expressions. I could hear them.
My son is 15 and let me tell you, he was up very early this morning to see what was out for him. His dad tried telling me he's too old for that. Yeah, right. He got a few practical things, a chocolate bunny, jelly beans. There was a basket for his 24 year old sister and another one for the grandson I'm expecting any day.
I do these things because I'm a mom and it makes me happy and I don't need the kids to jump for joy. Of course they love what I do for them.
I don't do it with an expectation from them being my reward.
I'm a single mom and there have been years my kids were lucky if they got to color eggs and find them and a chocolate bunny and a pack of socks.
Seriously.
We had a nice dinner and laughed and enjoyed the day no matter what.
That's what kids remember, in my opinion.
It's not about things. It's about family.
I think your daughter is giving you a signal that she can be happy without the bells and whistles because it feels more like pressure to her.
I have no doubt you are a wonderful mother and you want your kids to be happy. Who doesn't?
We had Christmas. We had New Year's. We had St. Valentines and St. Patrick's Day. Now Easter. It's not that these days aren't special, but it can begin to feel daunting keeping up with all of it. Even adults feel it.
Talk to your daughter. Listen to her. I don't think she meant to be ungrateful or anything by any means. I think she was trying to be honest about her feelings. That's not a bad thing.
Like I said, sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves over holidays and that can trickle down in a bad way. I know people who won't do anything for any holiday because they are so burnt out on it.
There is a way to find a happy middle.
You will find it.

Best wishes.

For the first part of your question, I would read a little book called "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" - it's terrific! It sounds like your daughter is just very sensitive so maybe after reading this book, it will help you to understand how to better communicate with her so you can put things in such a way so that hopefully she doesn't get that bent out of shape over things. And she will feel better understood if she knows how to communicate with you.

As for the second part, I don't think it's unreasonable at all to expect kids to dress up at least a little. They need to understand that sometimes there will be expectations of them as far as dressing and acting appropriately and they can't just run around in sweats all the time. They don't have to be in full suits with ties and dresses but boys can wear a collared shirt and khakis, and girls can wear a nice blouse or sweater with a skirt or pants ("dressy casual") if you don't want them all slobbed out in t-shirts and jeans. If you want to bring something along for them to change into later that is more comfy and that they can play in, that's fine.

Oh boy.
She is also probably hormonal, or just getting there.
These are tough years for a sensitive child, either sex.

Try establishing a routine for holidays. She was caught off guard this year and didn't now how to act, then you yelled at her. On top of all that she didn't get the basket. I'm sure she was sorely dissapointed.

Talk about holidays before the big day. Throughout the year talk about all the holidays. Halloween, Christmas, birthdays, Easter. Let her know exactly what she will expect.
If I am going to change a holiday and do something different I warn the kids, I say things like Santa might not do this or that, or you know the EB doesn't bring much. We always set up our baskets and stockings the night before. At Christmas I will tell them outright that they are not getting a certain thing if they think it is coming. Easter is always a book or movie and maybe a toy, my two girls 13 and 15 got hula hoops.

My kids wear their good clothes to church then change when we get home. I take pictures in the front of church on Easter or in front of the Christmas tree.

What you can do now is love on her and encourage her to make a picture with her art supplies. Then make sure Christmas is not a failure for her.

I don't have any experience with the first part of your question, but as to dressing up children -- go for it. No, it's not unreasonable. Sometimes they have to do things for YOU, not just the other way around. And dressing up is one of those things.

Have you asked her if she wants to be more involved in the prep? Maybe have her help shop for the other kids or let her pass things out. Then she can be busy when the it comes time to open presents and can maybe feel less in the spotlight? Also, sometimes being a bigger background part helps them to understand the meaning behind the gifts has more to do with love than expectations. I hope you understand what I am trying to say here because I think my pregnant brain is kicking in and I cannot seem to say exactly what I want to. = )

As for dressing up, we have always made sure our children were dressed nice for holidays and we always brought extra clothes too. My son was the only kid at his kindergarten holiday program in a suit and he loved the compliments that he got.

Hi,

My kids got their stuff in new lunchbags so I'm totally with you. My daughter is going on 11 and I've noticed in the last couple of months the emotional roller coaster has started. I wouldn't take things personally. I would have done exactly what you did-talk to her. My daughter is liking that I'm talking to her more as a grownup rather than a child (when she's not being giddy or upset, that is!) When we did the egg hunt, I made up a code for each kid (only 2) and a clue, I cut it up and put it in the eggs. Each kid got a different color to find. I bought something that they really liked instead of all the plastic stuff and hid it. My almost 11 year old got 9 rolls of duck tape. She was estactic! At first they didn't think it was fun but at the end, admitted that they liked it. So, your daughter may actually come around especially after she looks inside.

I still get all my kids baskets. I even set one up for hubby and I. My 15yr old got candy and an Ipod. 12yr old got candy and phone. 7yr old got candy and toys. If everyone got kinda the same thing maybe it would take the pressure off.

you changed the rules without telling her. It's this type of behavior that ends marriages....& she's just a kid! & then you demanded a positive response, knowing that something was wrong....isn't that bullying?

As for her sensory issues, seek counseling! If you know she has it, then - by all means - take her to get the help she needs to learn how to cope with it! Avoidance is not the only answer - she needs to be taught coping skills.

& as for dressing up vs. comfort......here's what I don't get: why do people assume that dressing up is NOT comfortable? If done well, it can be super comfy! It's all in the mindframe....& the expectations - usually of the parent. Kids can't relax in good clothes, because their parents have taught them to "protect", not "embrace" those clothes. Comfort comes from within, & if you "own" that outfit....you will feel comfort!

At our last family reunion, there was a little girl (?4yo). She was dressed in her fav outfit: a froufrou dress. She was barefoot. Her legs were covered in dust & dirt from the playground.....she was happy & beautiful! Her Mom knew that dress was her fav & lets her wear it whenever she wants. What a good Mom! She's allowed her child to feel comfort & ownership of that dressy dress. **& as a side note: the dress was absolutely beautiful & cost <$20! Thanks to the power of OxiClean....it looked fantastic.

Sooo, make dressing up a normal part of life. Make it fun & not rigid....& you'll be teaching your children important life skills! Comfort they can take with them.....& not a life of restrictions.

When we were little, we dressed up for church.
Once we got home, the good clothes were put away and we got into play clothes.
Dressing up is fine for a short period, but don't drag it out for more than a hour or two.
I think your attitude about the holidays is frightening your daughter.
It's time to talk about what you want/expect and what she'd like/expect - well in advance before a holiday arrives.
Wanting her to be happy and demanding her to be happy are different things.
Your reaction to her bursting into tears (UGH) - is interesting.
She was certainly surprised (speechless, in fact) by your changing from Easter basket to backpack, but then you demanded instant feedback or get out of my sight (take it to your room).
She bursts into tears and there you have it - a perfect negative feedback loop and NEITHER of you wanted it to go that way.
You want her to be happy. And she wants you to be happy, too.
So why is it so hard for 2 people to just be happy?
Communicate and compromise.
Back off from surprises for awhile.
Actually, why don't you make her your holiday helper? She can help wrap presents and as you work together, she'll get to know what it's like to be the one giving surprises instead of getting them. She'll learn a lot from you and you'll both be more on the same page than you are right now.

1) You can ask her if she would prefer not to get gifts at all... just candy.

2) It is not unreasonable for you to want to see and enjoy your child's (or anyone's) reaction to gifts you chose to give.

3) It is not unreasonable for families to be expected to dress up for any kind of special occasion - which includes holidays.

4) It is also not unreasonable to expect to have photos and stuff taken to help keep those special occasions in memory.

I think you should have your daughter do therapy and be tested for other issues pertaining to and expanding from her sensory issues. Seems there is more going on then just that.

You have good intentions, and she wants to please you, but somewhere along the line there is a disconnect. You did the right thing talking to her about it, and now the two of you need to talk some more so each of you can see where the other is coming from. I think she probably has some things she would like to say to you, and you would like to explain to her your motivations and desires. It's time for more mom and daughter talk so both of you can feel better and more relaxed.

I think finding a backpack and not a basket probably threw her off. 10 years old is not too old for an Easter basket, it's a tradition. You can still fill it with a few personal and meaningful items vs. junk. Also, I think a backpack is kind of a personal item. I know my girls have very keen interest in selecting their own one that fits their personal style. I think if you want to make holidays and birthdays less stressful for her, ask her exactly what she wants. Or better yet take her on a special birthday shopping trip. Opening gifts IS stressful for some people. Some people have a very hard time with surprises and just don't like them, even if they are good surprises. The perfect gift for everyone is not necessarily a surprise.

As far as dressing up, we're a pretty casual family. We don't dress up fancy for holidays. My children sometimes enjoy dressing up, sometimes they don't. They can choose to wear what they want. Sometimes I make suggestions, but they really like to choose their own clothes, I never mandate dressing up. I really, really used to dislike that when I was a kid. We're much more into comfort in my family.

If she is feeliing pressured you need to respect her emotions and back off a tad. She does not want to upset you and does want to please but she is obviously having issues. My daughtrer is 9 turning 10. Its Easter. So while I got a few items for surprise, some candy, some silly bands I also took my daughter into Walmart and let her pick a basket she liked and we had a mommy and me few hours while we picked out stuff for her basket. She didnt get everything but she got what she wanted. Then last night I hid the plastic eggs filled with candy and she got to find them. She likes that. She may be 9 going on 10 but kids love this sort of thing and will have fond memories of holidays. She will also remember going to the store and having a fun convesation. Going out to lunch. No Yelling no expectations just a relaxed get together. This morning she ate too much chocolate, but while thats not normal, it was ok for this morning. We went to church and then came home and relaxed with a tv movie and some computer time. They really don't care if its perfect. I hope you do not take this as a critizism, its not ment to be. I'm just remembered of the baby who got a box full of toys and had the most fun just playing with the box the toys came in :] As for dressing up yes my daughter gets a new nice Easter dress every year to wear to church and to her aunts house for visiting. But when we get home she can hang in her pjs for the rest of ther day for all I care.