We have a 19 month old daughter who, until now, has been an excellent sleeper most of her life. We typically say a prayer, sing few songs, rock her a little, then give kisses, tell her goodnight and place her in her crib. She typically rolls on her side, sticks her two fingers in her mouth and sucks on them til she falls asleep. Sometimes it takes a while, but she doesn't complain or cry. She also very rarely wakes up crying. I can usually tell when she is awake because I can her her babbling or rolling around. She then will call for us when she is ready to get up. She sleeps about 11 hours at night and takes one 2.5 - 3 hr. nap.
However, our 19 month old woke up with a fever a few days ago. We took her to the Dr. and they said her throat was really red and she will probably have some trouble sleeping. So, my husband and I were extra attentive to her during her sleep. After, we layed her down, she would cry so we patted her back and stayed in the room with her til she fell asleep. I noticed she was not sucking on her fingers as much (which I initially attributed to her throat hurting). During these nights she would wake up at least once crying loudly until we came back in and repeated the patting and sitting. We did this for her nap and nighttime sleep for a few nights until I started to think she was actually feeling better but still wanted us to stay in there with her.
We took her back to the doctor to be sure she was better. They confirmed her throat was no longer red and suspected she had gotten used to us staying in there with her and liked it. So, we tried to let her figure it out on her own that night and, eventually, she did go to sleep and slept all night. She woke up in the morning crying, though, which is unlike her. The nap the next day ws terrible, as she was bound and determined not to give up. I eventually went up, layed her down and just sat on the floor next to the crib. She was out in less than 5 minutes...but still did not suck her fingers at all. She woke up once during the nap, we repeated and she is still sleeping now. I believe she had decided to 'trade in' sucking her fingers for soothing herself to sleep for us sitting in the room with her. I feel like we messed her up and am disappointed in my parenting :(
My question is: how can I fix this? I thought about getting her a 'lovey' or something else that would soothe her. She has a couple of those mini blankets with the teddy bear heads (I hope you know what I mean by that, lol), but has never seemed too interested in them. Before this, she really only needed a quiet place to sleep and her two fingers to soothe her. I feel like I have no idea what to do since we have not had any sleep issues with her since she was very young. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks so much! :)
Note: Her sleep has never really been interrupted before by illness, teeth, etc..this kid likes her sleep (until now, it seems).
I think this is a good age to get her a "lovey." My daughter bonded to a baby at around this age. The other thing is that this stage will get better, but you may have to bite the bullet and let her "cry it out" a bit. I know that can be tough. Just like adults, children also learn from conditioning, so if she is realizing that you are going to come in to comfort her, she will probably keep doing it.
Hi
My kids have never been great sleepers - but they have always had a self soother (i.e. playing with my belly button, twirling hair, sucking a thumb).
I always say, "Hey, get your belly button, it'll help you relax" or get your hair or your thumb etc...
It's just a simply reminder to do what they know works. So try it, jog her memory, maybe it's all she'll need.
Best Wishes,
And you a most likely a great parent simply from everything you described. We spend too much time beating ourselves up for having perfect children - and that is not the definition of a good parent.
A good parent, sees a need or sees a problem and addresses it with patience and wisdom.
This you have done.
-H.
Hi E., do not be dissapointed in your parenting, I love your bed time routine, is is very simular to what we did when our grown kids were baby's/toddlers. When our children at this age are in pain or don't feel good they don't understand why, and so they need our nurturing so much more when they don't feel good, the problem is that sometimes we do allow it to become habit forming and not realizing we are that. The fact that she is no longer sucking on her fingers, in my opinion is a plus. Now you have to work on not manipulating you with her crying, she's using that right now cause it worked before, our children are very smart in this area. E. continue your night time routine, it's a good one, but if you know she's fine, not in pain, don't go into her room, I know it's hard, the hardest thing for me as a mom especially with my first was listening to them cry, but sometimes sweetie they just need to cry. You can check on her and look in on her once she's a sleep, that;s what i did. I have a 10 gallon fish aquairm in my baby's/toddlers rooms with a soft blue light, it served as a night light so i could check on my baby's with out disturbing them or them knowing I was checking in on them, it's really good for baby's rooms who don't sleep through the night, because the humming of the pump provides a soft noise, the blue light light and the movement of the fish and water are calming and soothing, and it calms a crying child. Don't ever question your parenting for being there for your toddler when she is not feeling well. One more thing, tell your husband good job from me for being in the room with you while your little girl wasn't feeling well, so many men would have just slept through that. Hope this helped a little. J.
Hi E.!
Do not doubt yourself.....you're doing a great job and the fact that your little one has been sleeping so well is terrific- especially with the cases of childhood sleep deprivation on the rise. Good sleep is so essential to your little one's development so kudos to you for appreciating your daughter's sleep needs!
Every child goes through phases like this. My own DD has been a fabulous sleeper since 4 months old but even she has sleep issues from time to time (usually they were related to teething and illness). What you've hit is a speed bump in the sleeping process- it's not a big deal if you're consistent with how you deal with it.
With your little one being ill of course you tended to her and gave her comfort! She was legitimitely needing you. However, now that she is better she is expecting you to continue with it- it's surprising how easily they start expecting those late night visits to last!
Anyway- my advice is to do what you did before. Don't change you're original expectations just because you had to deviate from them a bit for awhile. Go back to the routine you were so successful with and stick with it!! It might take a night of fussing but she'll get back on track pretty quickly. Consitency is key!!
You're doing great- keep it up!
Good luck. :-)
.
The reason it's hard to let your child "cry it out" is because your biology is telling you to pick the baby up. I believe that you're hurting yourself as well as your baby when you use this method.
There's no magical time of the day at which parents no longer need to be parents.
A child left to cry it out isn't learning to self soothe, but is basically crying until so emotionally disturbed they can no longer cry. They've emotionally shut down because no one will care for them. They're learning that adults only care for them when it's convenient, on the terms of adults, and that the needs of the child don't matter as much as those of the adult.
Instead of thinking that your child is manipulating you (in a negative way). Just realize that, yes, your child is trying to get what she needs from you. She needs you to be there for her, whether it's noon or midnight.
You've been incredibly lucky, and it was going to run out sometime. Welcome to the real world! :-) I'd try to ease her back out of needing you in the room. Sit a little bit further from her crib for a day or two, and then move further away again. WIthin a couple days you'll be back out of the room. You may have to let her figure it out if that doesn't work... my mom always swore that for every day I was at my grandparent's house (her parents) it took me a day back home to learn how to put myself back to sleep because of course grandma would rock me to sleep and my folks just stuck me in my crib. Get back to normal ASAP, and she'll adjust.
Dear E., You are a great Momma! for your caring, loving, and for asking for advice.
I am not an expert, only another momma. from my experience, and from what I have read, it is so normal that sleep patterns get disturbed after an illness etc. Please don't be hard on yourself.
She will get back on track. For now, I would continue comforting her and providing her emotional nourishment during the day, so that she feels more secure when going to sleep. Make sure as well that her environment is comfortable (a/c, fan, comfy pjs etc) and that she gets plenty of fresh air and exericise during the day, as well as quality time with you.
as for a lovey, I think it is always a good idea, for a variety of reasons.
I have received inspiration from teh following resources:
1. "No cry sleep solution" by elizabeth pantley.
2. www.ahaparenting.com
Hang in there. She is luck to have you.
Jilly
Don't be disappointed in yourself! You were concerned about your daughter who was in pain and distress. You're a great parent!
Maybe you can take her shopping for her own lovey..... My son loves that Fisher Price Soothe and Glow Seashorse or Glow worm.... Maybe you can even find something where you can record your voice........... or I think I've seen special dolls were you can have your face iron-on transferred to the doll. (I think I've seen this in a Parenting magazine where the father was being deployed for several months... )
Good luck!
Is there a chance she is teething? My son never had any trouble with teething until he began to get his "eye" teeth. All previous teeth caused minor fussiness if he reacted at all - they certainly didn't disturb sleep. All of a sudden, sleep is constantly interrupted, and he also struggles with eating (and he LOVES to eat). If your daughter doesn't have all her one-year-old teeth yet, don't dismiss this as a possibility! I would try giving her some Tylenol and see if it makes a difference. If it doesn't, well, at least you know.
You are disappointed in your parenting because you had a sick child that you tended to and now you are attributing that to her not sleeping well? So, if you had ignored your sick child and she had learned that you wouldn't be there for her when she was sick, you wouldn't be disappointed in your parenting?
I'm confused. She is 19 months old. There are a million reasons why she may be going through this. Molars, illness, growth spurt, developmental milestones, you name it. It may have something, nothing, or everything to do with you being there for her when she was sick.
She doesn't have a sleep problem, you have a problem with her sleeping pattern right now. This too shall pass.
I'm sorry if I am confused, but it sounds like you expect your child to be a perfect sleeper. She's human and I suspect just like you sometimes go through different sleep patterns, so will she. You have a choice to either be there for her and teach her that adults can be relied upon, or let her cry it out because adults can't be bothered at night.
It's your decision....you will get lots of opinions from the children should be seen, but not heard cry it out crowd and opinions from those of us who continue to actively parent at night.
I've had 3 great sleepers, and all of them get their schedules thrown off from time to time by teething or sickness. Don't doubt your parenting - it's all apart of getting her through the illness. Sounds like letting her cry may be the way to go, and I don't mean putting her in, closing the door, and forgetting about it. Do your normal routine, lay her down, and when she cries (she will) go back in after 5 minutes and pat her and lay her down again - don't talk to her. Then give it 10 minutes the next time, and you can go up to 15 but I wouldn't go above that. She'll figure it out. She may not go back to sucking her fingers, but she needs to find something to soothe herself. Give her the option of a stuffed animal, but she will find what it is. May take about 3 nights, but it's worth it to have her getting herself back to sleep.
