18 Mo Old All Boy Needing Help Controlling His Hands

M.... I have been in tears over the same thing....I have a 17 month old boy, and also a SAHM. I got on here to read up on what others have gone through, advice, etc. Mine seems to hit just one particular child that I watch. ( I only watch one kid) Has any of the advice you've gotten worked? If so, what should I try? AFter reading all of this, I know it's not must my kid...but it's a very had thing to deal with....CAN YOU HELP?

S.

I read in Parents magazine that this is the way they communicate because they cannot talk yet. I have a grandson that does the same thing to his mom. Only when he is really frustrated. It's funny because we have 2 grandsons (brothers) that are 2 months apart ( a long story) and they are so different. They have lived together all their life, but one started talking at 9 months old and one hardly talks at all. He just babbles. And he does act out when hes mad. So I think the more they can communicate, the less they will do this. We are trying to get them to tell us with words what they want and trying not to speak for them so much.

Good luck!

Hi M.,
My son is 18 months and started doing this a few months ago. He did not even seem upset, I think he was trying to get a reaction. Out of nowhere while i was holding him he would slap me in the face and laugh. My husband and I started saying "gentle" and would softly touch the top of his head and run my finger along the side of his face. Now when he looks like he is going to hit i say "gentle" and he takes his hand and gently runs his hand on his head and face (it is really cute too).
S.

Hey M.. I just read several of these supportive and beautiful responses. I wanted to say that I have a 17 month old little boy, and we started taking a baby sign language class when he was about 6 months old (www.babysignshine.com)...to be honest, I thought it sounded intriguing but I didn't really think it would work. Much to my amazement, he started using all these signs and I really do think at this stage it is helping us immeasurably (and it's not too late to start, in fact at this age they pick it up really quickly)...there are signs for "frustrated", "sad", "afraid", "angry", "happy", "excited", "like", "don't like", and "i love you" to name a few, and just so you might imagine how this could help. Not to mention, he can tell me specifically what he wants, like"strawberries", or "pizza", or to take a bath, or that he's tired, or that he has a poopy diaper. I'm not saying that he doesn't have his moments of frustration and anger because he does, but I really think the fact that he can successfully communicate with me and my husband (and, yes, you'll both have to learn sign language, too if you do this, but it's really fun) makes him feel empowered and for the most part he's a very even-keeled sweet kid. There are also videos if you don't want to do a class (www.signingtimes.com). Anyway, I just thought this might help :) but in any case, I definitely think this is a very normal stage.

Hi M.---I am a grandma who has gone through this with her own kids, and now with grandkids. My own son , at 18 mo. would hit EVERYONE when we went grocery shipping. He would say(as he was reaching out to hit) "Scug you , baby". For 4 months, until the phase passed,I just kept him at home. He turned out just fine, and is a physician today. My daughter's kids went through the same phase. She purchased the books, HANDS ARE NOT FOR HITTING and TEETH ARE NOT FOR BITING. She read these to her 2 boys whenever they hit or bit (coupled with "time out". I really recommend the books. Good parents always turn out good kids, so I'm sure your son will be fine.

You have to talk with him and let him know hitting is not exceptable if he hit another child he probably will be hit back, so it's best that you let him know how it feel to be hit, before someone else does. Oh yes! he's nothing but a baby, sure that need to be trained. We sit and do nothing at the stages we are suppose to train and when they get to be 13 they will train you. the police will shoot them down. God gave you specific rules on how to raise a child. Love is not thinking a child is cute with things he should be corrected of. You will cry later if you don't stop him with the little things we think are so cute and innocent, they are not. Watch as well as Pray.

hitting isn't just a learned reaction. he is only hitting to show his frustration and to get a reaction from others. the first time he hit you probably acted suprised and looked him in the eye and gave a great explanation on the fact that hitting wasn't nice. all he got out of that was mommy gives me attention when i do this. just continue to be consistant with telling him that it is inappropriate to hit, and keep your voice at a level tone, but firm. don't give it more than three seconds of your attention and he will soon learn and stop. also, if he does it out of frustration, reassure him that you understand that he is upset and redirct him to something else. if he knows that you understand him, he may find a new way to express his feelings other than hitting. hope this helps.

It is your responsibity to modify his behavior. The question is how. He is not too young for time out. I would grab his hands, look him in the eyes and say "NO." Then I would put him in a chair for 2 minutes. A high chair would be great.
Expect a two week period of work on your part. It is important that you do this each and every time he goes to hit. 100 times a day if needed. If you are not at home find a chair, a corner, a wall, a box, a wall... some way to take away his freedom for two minutes.

You have begun the great adventure of raising a disciplined, self-sufficient, mature adult who will be a contribution to our world. This is not a task for the faint of heart. This particuler exercise is teaching your son to make choices. He will find it more benefial to himself to not be in time out.
A good portion of being a parent deals with creating choices for them: Come home by curfew or give up the cell phone for 2 weeks. You can not MAKE a child do what you want.

Dear M.,
At this age, child is like little caveman, they are able to understand everything, but can't articulate words as well, so they can get very frustrated, they are also learning cause and effect, testing boundaries, learning about the consequences of their actions. I would take deep breath and in calm tone bring his arm down, and say "no hitting, hitting hurts" and then reinforce a positive behavior, you can touch him gently on his arm, or demonstrate on your own arm, you giving yourself a "gentle touch", and say it as you do it. We give "gentle touch".
If he hits a child, dog, do it over the dog, child, so he resolves any conflict that hitting created.
I had to do this many times with my little one, eventually they learn, you just have to be consistent, giving loving guidance, not judging, or getting frustrated, because then they don't feel safe/good, and act out even more. Patience and perseverance, I would also recommend you give him massage after bath, or when having down time, relaxation time, play some relaxing music, turn down lights, and give him a touch of love, this will reinforce more positive touch experiences!
Good luck, many blessings,
M.

He's hitting because he's 18 months old! I'm still working on my 2 1/2 year old hitting, but it's easier or more difficult to break depending on the child. Make sure you're consistent. At this point he probably either just doesn't know it's a real problem yet, or wants to find out if you're really going to enforce the boundaries you set. Start winning now and it will make your life alot easier later!

Isn't it amazing how kids know this stuff, even without influence. I have 3 children, 2 boys (6&3) and a girl(2) and they have all gone through this stage. I think boys tend to be more physical, it's how they work and how they communicate. I had a tougher time with my boys than with my daughter. All you can do is be consistant is saying no, that is unacceptable. Don't be too hard on yourself. My first son used to hit with trains and I would feel horrible. Then one day my friend's daughter bit my son really hard and although she apologized, she never said anything more about it. I at first was slightly offended, b/c I was the type to be over apologetic and thought she took it too lightly. Then I realized, it's kids and things are bound to happen, she was right in not beating herself up over it. It will get better with time, especially when he can verbally express his feelings. Good luck!

This is totally appropriate developmentally--however it is often pretty frustrating. Just a couple of ideas on not allowing it to become a behavior that "works" for him. Our second son is in this phase right now as well (our first one went through it, too!)--most of the time our son does this because he doesn't get what he wants (i.e. we move him from something he can't have, or we pick him up because we want to go do something else, etc) and/or he can not communicate his frustrations or what he wants to do. My son also will do this if he wants down and we are holding him--because early in the stage he was doing it to be silly--reallyl just learning cause/effect--we were trying to teach him he couldn't play that way--how smart kids are--now if he wants down from us moving him, he may hit in an effort to be put down--so we have to tell him we are not putting him down and that he needs to have nice hands. We always model nice hands and we also model pointing (he does this readily) so he can in his own way tell us what he wants. It is important to not just tell them no hitting, etc....but also to show them what they can do instead. If you don't do this--they will just move onto something else. While everyone makes there own decision about spanking--and I am in no way saying I haven't done it--with a child that young--who you are trying to teach "no hitting" I think it sends a very confusing message...Just my thought on the subject though! M.

This is exactly what happened to us. Our Parents As Teachers educator told us that it is one of the stages that they go through and has nothing to do with them seeing others hit. She told us that at this age, especially when the parent is the care-giver, they are learning that you and he are not the same person/connected. Bacically, they start life thinking that they are an extention of you. They are now starting to learn that their actions, hitting, doesn't affect or hurt them. Only the person they are hitting. She admitted that when she was initially told that she thought it was a crock but the longer she works with parents she sees it. It's like when they start throwing things...they are learning cause and effect. When I throw the lotion on the floor, not only does it hit the ground but mommy will pick it up. They do it over and over to see if the reaction is the same every time. She verified that I was typically the one being hit and shared that is because I am the main care-giver. (Lucky me!) She suggested that we try to catch her hands before she hit if we could. In any event, we needed to calmly take her hands and tell her what hands are to do as opposed to telling them "we don't hit." I was pretty skeptical but I began stopping her when she was hitting and taking her hands, caressing my face, and telling her that hands are gentle and for loving. It was hard to keep my cool sometimes but it didn't take long for her to stop hitting me. She never hits anyone else anymore. My husband gets an occasional beating but he still needs to work on keeping his temper when she does it. Hard when she is hitting open handed and her nails scratch down your face. Consistency is the key with this one but it will work. Good luck.

This is so normal. It usually happens right before the kids start talking like crazy. My kids did this when they could not find the words and it was a show of frustration. Just stay calm and try not to react. I give my kids the words they are seeking by getting down to eye level and speaking slowly. I repeat myself three times. So, if he is hiting the door I would walk over, get on my knees and say "Door Open....door open....door open?" and then open the door.

If it is possessive over a toy then say "please give toy.".

It can also come from boredom. Give him something fun to do with his hands. Fingerpainting,shaving cream, whipped cream & food coloring, crayons and paper, play-doh, hair gel in two ziploc bags, or a damp sponge to wash the cabinets and windows with....all of these things are positive activities that release energy, teach fine motor skills, and cure boredom:-)

M., I think all kids go through the hitting phase. My little girl would do the same thing at that age. 18 months is a stage where they can do so many things but, not as many as they think they can. When things don't go the way they want to they get frustrated. The hitting may not be to try and hurt someone but, more out of frustration that they can't do something or that you or dad is making them stop doing something fun. There is a great children's book called "The Way I Feel" I can't remember the author but, you can search for it at Barnes and Noble. It goes through every emotion, happy, frustrated, silly, etc... This will help your little guy identify the emotions he is having. Then you can distract him when you see him getting frustrated. Sometimes just some sympathy helps.

"It can be very frustrating when things are hard to do. You know sometimes mommy gets frustrated to. Do you know what mommy does when she's frustrated?"

Then you can help him understand that it's natural to get frustrated or mad but, then give him something he can do to channel his emotions. Maybe take a breath and try again or ask for help. Even a toy with a hammer can allow a safe way to vent. Just be careful not to pick him up when he's frustrated or mad. There's a strong chance those little hands will hit you in the face. I found that it was easier to kneel in front and hold hands while talking.

Hope this helps and remember...this too shall pass.

But then they turn four and still think they can do everything. I just keep telling myself that stubbornness is really determination is disguise and will really benefit my girl later in life.

Right here with you in the adventure called parenting.

F., DT mom.

"If you think your too small to have an impact, try going to bed with a mosquito in the room" Anita Roddick

My son is now 7 years old--but this started at 18 months and went through to about 2.5 yrs. old. I made sure whenever we were at playdates and parties I sat right next to him (yes it was long and painful)--and the second he hit I'd apologize for him--since he was nonverbal until he was 3.5---and then I'd pick him up and leave the area. 1 chance--that's it! All done! Also--if I could anticipate what toy he wanted--I'd ask for him sitting next to him. And usually the other child would pass it to us then...this verbal and role-acting really really helped! And show you need words. Once vocabulary came, (the signing only kinda worked for us--he is not the best with fine motor skills)--so my words and actions were modeling for him. Good luck!!!

I've experienced that with all of my kids, and we are not hitters. I think (and I'm NOT claiming to be a psychologist!) that it's a mixture of control (being able to elicit a new response from Mommy and Daddy) and that it feels good to them. They are very touch sensory at this age. Fiona (my baby; 16 months) has started slapping me recently. And it HURTS! I tell her "No hitting! Hitting hurts!" without yelling and freaking her out. Then I start hitting something appropriate and encourage her to do so with me. A book, the carpet, anything available while it's still fresh. My thought is that it's helping to stimulate the sound as well as the touch senses and is more enjoyable to her.
Of course, I could be totally off on all counts. Just what I've done and it's worked with my four kids! Good luck, and keep his nails short so you don't lose an eye! :)

Hi. I've been a pre-school teacher for 17 years and I see this quite a bit. Sometimes it's hitting...sometimes it's biting or tantrums. Usually it's because at 18mos they're realizing what they want, but do not have the verbal skills to aquire it so they lash out in some manner. The best thing that I've found is to anticipate the behavior. If you know what sets him off, try to fix it before it's a problem. I wouldn't worry about it as far as it being a behavioral disorder. It's a stage that he'll go through and when he learns to communicate it will probably subside(it will probably seem like forever before it's over). As long as he isn't hurting himself or someone else it's a frustrating but minor problem. I know this isn't a quick fix but it's one of those things you have to ride out. I've seen children that act this way who turn into sweet, calm and patient preschoolers. There is hope...I promise!

Some thoughts...

Usually around this time there is a great spike in language development. If he is having a hard time finding the words for his frustrations, hitting is the next-best-thing (in his eyes). Give him some language to express himself and tell him to 'use your words'.

Example: If he's upset, you can say "Use your words - say, 'I don't like that'" or "No thanks!" or "Please stop!". This helps give him the words to avoid a physical confrontation.

Hope this helps :)

J.

Hi Mandy!

I have and am still going through this behavior with my 27 month old daughter. Most of the hitting comes out of the frustration in not being able to communicate fully. It has gotten much better the older she gets. Do you use sign language with him? It helped her communicate with us as she was still trying to find the words.

Good luck!

My daughter went through an extreame hitting phase from around 18 mounths until 24 months. She had another little slip back into it to. Now she is over 2 1/2 and hits about like any other kid, just occationaly. We take her out every day to play groups and classes. She is constantly around kids. When she was hitting she hit everyplace we went, she hit strangers as well as friends and for every reason. For our family it did not feel like an option to not take her out. Also time out or discussion did not seem to help in fact it made it worse. My daughter is highly verbal but when she was hitting she was not to be reasoned with. I bought the Hands are not for hitting book. I am not sure it did much for us. What worked for my daughter is to just be with her all the time and prevent her from hitting so that she had sucess at not hitting. I feel like she had got it stuck in her head that she was a kid who hit others and I just needed to get it stuck in her head that hitting was something she did not do. If I saw her raising her hand in the air to hit, I just picked her up and moved her and talked to her about it later when she was calm. If she did hit I moved her and put my attention on the kid she hit, modeling the empathy, apology and behavior I wanted from her. Later talking and asking her to be gentle or even to apologize seemed to work but at the time the thing that seemed to have the result of decreasing the hitting and then extinguishing it was just preventing it from happening by being her shaddow. I was really worried it would never pass and I still worry it will crop up again if she encounters a kid who is in this phase.

It seems as though you are in a totaly different situation and that your son really is just going through a natural phase that will pass.

S.

Children need to express their feelings, and only being 18 months old he is confused on how to do it... I know with my 3 children i told them that we do not hit, it hurts people and we have nice hands.. Every time they would go to hit i would reassure them that our hands are nice and not for hitting..... Ask him to use words to express why he is upset or feeling angry??? Even being a little guy he can still use words that he knows, and as a mother teach him the mords that he is feeling? ask him if he is angry? Sad? or confused? and then explain it is ok to have feelings and express them but not by hitting, because then it makes the dog, or mommy or whomever feel the same way he is feeling? Well i hope this helps I know it didn't take my children long once i kept on top of it... Good Luck.

I'm so glad you asked this question because my 12 month old daughter has started doing this, too. So it's not a just a boy thing.

I have a 15 month little boy and he also is having the urge to hit and we also bite. I am working with him on this. It is not easy. He stays with my mom during the day and she also works on how to be nice and not hit or bite. We just show him what is right. I have a feeling that this is a stage because he is not so vocal yet and hopefully when he begins talking more than just the few words he says we will not have so much of this. I feel that most of it is out of frustration. What do you think?

A Little about me: I am a working mom with a wonderful 15 mo. old boy, a husband (married almost three years) who I love dearly .

I wouldn't be worried. I think it is just a kid thing. I have worked in a daycare center & I have seen girls hit too. It is his was of expressing his anger. At his age he can not express his anger in words, so his expresses it physically. My boys went through that stage too (my 2 yr. old still does sometimes). He needs an outlet for his anger. I have been told that pounding toys are a good outlet, but it is hard to have the toy around when he hits. I really don't have any way for you to deal with it, except to say 'no hit' (or something like that - few words) when he hits.

God Bless!

i don't know whether it's a "boy" thing, but it's definitely an 18 month thing! my 18 mo son is exploring that too. he's so little it doesn't hurt but we just always hold his hands and tell him, "we don't hit (mommy or daddy)" and then divert his attention to something else. he DOES do it when he's mad, and i kinda blamed the daycare kids, but good to know yours does it without any reason (sorry, not good for you, obviously! but makes me feel better lol). a few months ago when he first FIRST started expressing himself, he'd get mad and i could tell he didn't know what to do with it, and i saw him bite the tables and chairs, just out of sheer frustration, a couple times. i think we just have to teach them how to express their anger better. i figure this too shall pass. we just make sure not to respond in anger or fear and just go on. hopefully yours will out grow it soon too!

Hi M.. I am also going through this with my 15 month old girl. Unfortunately, she learned this habit from a friend's 2 year old. We have just been holding her hands and very sternly telling her "NO Hitting!" She knows what we are saying and will stop. but it has been a fairly long process because unfortunately this age group can't vocalize their frustrations. We also try just removing her from whatever situation is making her so angry. I hope you find your solution!

Kids do not have to see this to learn how it is actually a natural instinct for them. It is just a phase and should pass soon. Whenever he hits try telling him "I understand that you are mad but it is not ok to hit". I got this advice from our parents as teachers when my daughter went through this phase. She said to definetely tell them they were wrong but it is also important to try to validate their feelings.

M., don't worry when he hits take him by the hand and kiss his tell him no it just and instinct for kids to hit it is a way to get attention I speak from experiance I have 5 kids and I had bitter and hitter with out hitting or bitting back I always told them how much they were loved and before I knew it it pass with very little incident. God Bless you and you beautiful little boy

S.

After working with kids I realized they automatically do that bam bam thing. I strive to show them what nice touch is and model it to them so they see it is likable to them personally. My Grandson responds marvelously at age 1 year. He pats his Daddy and then strokes with a very loving look on his little face , looking over at me, and then of course forgets and pats a little harder but he is learning more and more about pleasant and unpleasant touch. I really think it has to be taught and modeled.

M.,
my son was 21 months old when he started to do that. Before he was a great baby then things changed.He became alittle angry at little things like his cars or the doors and chair that where in his way, the whole time clinging on to me but he was mad at something. As time went on more little things happened and I just thught it was the terrible twos coming. Things started to pick up when he turned two he would trow toys and bite and scratch and even hit him self or anyone else . I took him to his doctor and they sent him to a mental health place he was dignosied with Bipolar / ADHD at two . I didn't belive them and just put it off thinking he would grow out of it and there where momets when I thought we did but there where moment when I was scared for my other kids and my self. By the time he turned 9 we went back he is now on meds and I have my son back there are still moments but they don't last but maybe 15 minutes those are call manic moment when he is in them. I hope this helps alittle he might just be in his terrible two stage but if carries on into his 3 and 4's watch him and never be mad for it because if he does have a disorder punishment some times makes it worse then better. M.

I have a 23 mo old in my day care and a just turned two. I thought the 23 mo got it from the 2 yr old but now not sure. They are starting to rebell. He the younger one is a miracle baby weight at birth was 1.9. He has caught up a lot and eager to explore and learn. He is throwing tantrums now here and there if he does not get his way and he is the most good natured child. Always happy always learning and easy. He goes to sleep good and the only problems now are adnoise and he does not know he has teeth and wants stained food. But other then that he learns from the older kids and some times is in their way but plays well by himself. He wants to know how every thing works. Hard to keep him away from our computers. This is so normal. So far I have not had biting but that was what my son did and bang his head on the floor. G. W

All kids go through it, you just have to tell him no all the time. He will eventually grow out of it. He doesn't know that it is wrong to hit unless you start telling him no. My name is N.. I have a 4 year old girl that went through the same thing and this is what I did.

Hi M.,

I see you've gotten plenty of responses already, but just wanted to chime in and let you know my 2-year-old son is doing the same thing! He really only hits me when he's frustrated with me, but each time he does, I hold his hand firmly, and state in a very even but stern voice, "No hitting." He's getting it, but I also think it's this whole age-related thing of challenging me and testing his boundaries. I'm totally not worried about it, he's really a good boy, just be consistent with your disciplinary tactics and it will pass! Good luck! - D.

Hi,

As a Mom of an 8yr old boy who also went through that stage - I wouldn't worry too much. Our pediatrician said its a way to express frustration. A child that age is too young to communicate when they are sad or frustrated, so its easier to hit. If a kid took their toy, they can't communicate that they don't like it, so they hit. You need to tell him in a firm voice that its not okay, but I wouldn't get too worried just yet. It's a good idea to keep an eye on it.
One good idea may be to get your son active (playgrounds, energetic activities, etc.) - that will help to release some of the energy that young boys need to get out of their systems. Hope this helps!

M.,
My son was exactly like this. He would go into a place with his fist raised over his head, ready to hit the first kid he saw. It was horrible as I had a new baby and would struggle in with the baby car seat and baby bag trying to catch up with my son before he could injure somebody! Yikes.
Anyway, what worked with us was repetition, repetition, repetition. When we went to a fun activity the rule was if you hit somebody we leave right away. This was hard on me because I wanted socialization too. We had some tough scenes where I had to carry him out and we had lots of crying in the car too. But I held my ground and he realized I meant business and eventually it stopped.

The best thing someone ever told me is that there is NOTHING wrong with my son, it is just a phase that they go through!
So I hope this gives you some hope. Good luck!
D.

M., He is frustrated and needing to learn appropriate behavior and words. Use a lot of modeling. "Here's Rover, lets pet him, he loves it when we pet him gently. We don't hit, that hurts him" "I want juice, Mommy I want juice, please. Don't hit Mommy it hurts and it makes me sad."

Talk A Lot! That's how they learn. I'll admit I sometimes felt very silly, but it seemed to help.

M.

I found a great book at Barnes and Noble called "Hands are not for Hitting"

I read it with my 2 yr old. It has phrases such as:

Hands are not for hitting. What are hands for?
Waving.
Playing.
Drawing.
Keeping safe (holding hands to cross the street)
etc

I love the book - now my daughter reads it with me - and the book has also helped to reinforce what hands are for - like when we hold hands outside on a walk or in a parking lot, etc. She can remember that holding hands is for keeping safe.

There were other books in the series too - Tails are not for Pulling is another title I remember.

Hi M.-
My 13 mo son has started this recently too, and it was mostly when we were holding him, and he'd hit our faces. He did this with my husband, me, and a couple of his favorite teachers at daycare, and I think that's all. It was mostly when he was tired and/or didn't get his way of course! We've been very firm with him, saying NO and putting him in time out, and he does it very rarely now, mostly again when he's just really tired. I think it's just a frustration thing. But once we started correcting him, he knew and still tried testing us (mostly me!), so just be consistent and don't let him get away with it at all. He'll be fine, I'm sure it's all part of preparing us for the Terrible Twos! Good luck!

M.

Yes I think most of us are going through the same exact thing my son is also 18 months and hits. I just repeatedly tell him not to do it and to do it nice, I don't know where they get this aggression from other than maybe frustration of not being able to communicate. Good Luck www.DiscoveryToysLink.com/LisaRyan
LisaM

I dont know what to tell you my son is all boy too and 18mnth. and he hits and pushes and even head bumps everyone and attacks our dog. I dont know what to do either! I am happy someone else is going threw this. but also need to know why this is happenig.. maybe a phase?
Good luck!
S.

My son is going through the same thing (he's 19 months). We just grab his hand, tell him we don't hit. If he keeps it up, we put him in time out. Over the last month, it seems to have helped him, he doesn't do it nearly as much as he used to.

My little boy is 16 months and does this from time to time as well. Its just their way of either feeling things out or dealing with frustrations, or watching the cause and effect of hitting. If he hits you, say NO sternly and walk away from him or put him down. He may get mad, but be consistent. Tell him its okay to hit a stuffed animal or whatever you feel...but never hit people.
It will get better...my son was doing it more a few months ago bc people thought it was funny, but now we stop him and he is understanding it.
Good Luck!