My friend and I are having a debate and I'm curious how other parents handle this situation... When a child is grounded, are they still allowed to do any church related youth group activity? I'm not talking about church or Sunday School, I think those are a given regardless of grounding status. I'm talking about a church lock-in, youth group bowling, youth group trip to the lake, that sort of thing.
The scenario is a senior in high school got shoplifting AND lying about it by pinning the blame on her younger sister. It took my friend over a day to figure out her eldest was the one lying and not the younger sister. The younger sister was even grounded before the truth was finally discovered. So, now the eldest is 'grounded' but still allowed to do ALL youth group activities. Last Friday, both girls got to go to a church lock-in, despite the eldest is grounded. Because the activity was at church, she got to go. If I were the younger sister, I would think the whole thing is highly hypocritical and obviously a way to get around any sort of punishment.
I don't agree with this and think that any 'social' activity shound be included in the grounding. I'm not counting Sunday School and service, but any of the social youth group activities. The eldest child's entire social sphere is at church, so letting her still socialize with all of her friends doesn't fit the crime of shoplifting and lying.
I think Thou Shall Not Steal comes before Thou Gets to Go Bowling with the Youth Group.
Thoughts? I'm very curious to know how other parents handle this situation, even if they all disagree with me. I can take it. :)
Thanks to everyone for all the advice and opinions.
To add some info: Yes, she plays a varsity sport and is still doing that. I'm ok with that. I played soccer in HS and that was half my ticket to college, so it was my 'job'. Yes, she (and younger sister) were taken on a tour of the jail. Another good idea. Yes, she had to take it back to the store and apologize. That's how she got busted for stealing. Younger sis kept saying older sis bought it for her. Mom took them both to the store and the store could tell it was stolen. Busted on the spot. ;) She also got her outgoing calling and texting turned off on her phone, but she's already figured out how to get her friends to call HER (can't block incoming), and the parents won't take away the phone completely.
I like the idea of community service. I talked to my friend again and mentioned the point about grounding being a time of reflection and she's certainly not reflecting on what she did at a lock-in. Mom agreed with me there. I suggested to mom that if she was SO worried about her oldest maintainly her spirtuality, that whenever younger sis is at a social youth group event, older sis should be at home reflecting, praying, reading, etc. THAT is real spirtuality, not a quick prayer before you bowl with friends. I'm not sure if I changed her mind, but at least I gave her something to think about.
If it's a social activity, it's included in the grounding. If it's fun, it isn't done. And if it's a repeat offense, I'd see if the police can get involved in some way - like a scared straight situation.
I think every child is different. When I was 13 I got caught shoplifting (a small $3 item - my small group of friends was pushing the limits... seeing what we could get away with). Store security took me up to a holding room, where they photographed me and called the police. The police came, walked me through the store in handcuffs, brought me to the station, and called my mom. When she came to pick me up, I was in tears. She handled the business with the police, and brought me home, never really talking to me in the car. When we got home, I was surprised when she told me there would be no further punishment... "I hope you've learned your lesson." Boy, was she right! I didn't need to be grounded after that whole scenario. I've NEVER stolen anything again. She knew the humility of everything else made more of an impact than any grounding would.
That being said, it sounds like grounding is the ONLY punishment that this teen received. Did she at least have to go back to the store, apologize, and pay for whatever she took? What about her apology to her sister? I believe these things are absolutely necessary.
Finally, when it comes to grounding, I think ALL privileges should be taken away (phone, computer, TV, and yes, fun youth group activities). I always think of grounding as a time to reflect on what you did wrong and how to make better choices in the future. How can you reflect at a lock-in?
Good luck!
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If others relied on her presence, a play or sports team, than I would let her go since she has a commitment and responsibility to others to attend. But a lock-in and bowling, I consider those luxury activities that would be covered by grounding.
First of all, my child is not involved with a specific church group. She does occasionally attend a youth activity on Wednesday nights so in my opinion, that would be included in the social activity.
THAT SAID.....when our daughter is grounded...it is like we revert her back to 2 yrs old (or toddler age). All I have to do is ask do you want to be 2 again?
That simply means, she has no activities.....no phone, no computer, no room alone, no going out with friends no matter what. Also, it means, if I leave the house she goes with me and is not left alone.
We only had to do this 1 time. The basis was her smart mouth and attitude. It lasted an entire LONG weekend because it is punishment on us as much as it is her....gees...we are accustomed to her independence and then BAM...she's 2. It was very HARD to go through a weekend of this but I really don't think we will have to do it again because she knows if she crosses that line.....She turns 2.
We also make sure our lines of communication are wide open. It is ok in this house to voice an opinion or thought...even if it might not be the most popular one. No topic is off limits.
In the event of lying and shoplifting (Both are very bad). My grounding would last much longer than a weekend. I might even involve her experiencing some kind of consequence at the higher authority level. That behavior needs to be nipped FAST.
How sad for the little sister....her trust and bond with her older sister must be so torn right now. I can completely see your point with the hypocrisy of allowing the "grounded" daughter to have her church fun.
I completely side with you, E..
I do not have a teenager yet, but I do think social activities, even with the church would be grounding. Regular youth group meetings, sunday school, and church would not be. I also agree with the previous poster who mentioned sports or something where other people need your presence. You are not needed at a lock in or bowling, so I don't think I would have allowed that.
My answer will be quick and to the point....no, I would not let my grounded child participate in the social activities of the youth group...
Church activities are extra things and should be included in the ground. Why should she have fun when her little sister was blamed. In fact, I would add some community service to the grounding so that she could learn or even an overnight at the local detention center. She needs to know that the law is the law and if you break it you pay the price. I can remember being grounded over the Christmas holidays for something I had done and I took my medicine of not participating in planned activities. I even protested when a person pleaded for my aunt to go out with the group and that he would be responsible for my actions. I was wrong and knew it. The other S.
the only way i release early from grounding is for very good behavior, and only for minor offenses. i can't see that applying here as this would be a major offense to me.
Grounding is grounding and no way would my child be socializing with their friends!! The parents have set the bar pretty low for allowing her to do that, because next time she does something that serious she's going to have an "oh well" attitude because she'll still get to do what she wants. Let's just say-"Don't Feed The Monster". Just my thoughts.
Church youth group social activities would be in my definition of what should be included in grounding. I am concerned about the shoplifting, but the lying about it (shoplifting) and trying to pin it on a younger sister is despicable.
