12 Yr Old

Hi C.!

As a Mother of three grown boys, I know what you are going through. I raised them by myself, so I had many challenges. We had a "swear jar" Whenever my sons used an inappropriate word, (even Mom) we had to put a quarter in the jar. Start with what you think might be an appropriate amount. I would ask for their input too. If they are getting an allowance, I would start high! If that doesn't work, then up the anti to a dollar. When they start losing money real quick they learn very fast. You can decide what to do with the money. Either give it to charity or some family that might use it. Don't give it back to them. They have to feel the pain!! Hope that helps, it worked for me. Mother of 3 grown men,( I wish they were here and little again) and a young daughter!
Tracey

Agree with choosing a consequence and make it stick.

Does he get an allowance? Make him pay X amount into a jar (that's visible) every time he uses a vulgarity. Take something he loves away for X amount time.

And contrary to popular belief, a little soft-soap to wash out his mouth if nothing else works can be enough of a shock to make him realize you're serious.

I think what people have suggested to you so far is great. But figure out what he really enjoys and tell him everytime he swears you will be taking away those things for a length of time. One or two weeks. For example: if he likes to go to a neighbors a play basket ball, watching tv, having a stereo in his room, hanging out with a friend, early bed set etc. What ever you think will get the message across. He is swearing because he knows that you are not going to do any thing about it most likely, so it is VERY important that you follow through. Don't argue with him just take away, end of discussion. Good Luck you can do it!!!! I promise he will stop when he see's your serious. PROMISE... :-)

I know what you're going through. I too have a 12 yr. old who's using word that I don't use around the house any more, but the fact that we've been dealing with the death of my husband (their father) hasn't helped matters any. Also what doesn't help is the fact that we can't control who they see at school and I know that if the parents of those kids were to find out what kind of words their children are using would send them into a fit. I like the suggestion of a "cuss" jar, but take it a little farther. Add to that jar a punishment jar. For every word that they have to pay for, they will have to remove one slip from the punishment jar. Set a limit as to how long each offense will be. Example, first offense 3 day, second 7, third 10 until you have about a month taken up. Now, knowing boys (I have three right now) just the punishment won't be enough, you'll need to add a chore to go along with that. Doing dishes, taking out the trash, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the kitchen, doing his laundry and so on during that time will also help. Also, at some point the child will run out of money, so just have them draw twice out of the punishment jar. Before I forget, make sure that you write down what they punishment is and how long it's for. Post it somewhere where everyone in the house can see it. This will drive home what they did and how it as affected their little lives.

First, make sure ALL the adults and older children in his life are not swearing. He may be doing it to be "cool" or rebel, but it may just have crept its way into his vocabulary. (My son is 1, so my husband and I are starting to censor ourselves!).

Also, watch tv shows and movies he watches, and listen to the radio stations he listens to. Is there a lot of swearing?

Lastly, pick a consequence for when he swears, and stick to it. (Maybe no t.v. for 2 days, or no telephone, or whatever is applicable.) Put it in writing and show it to him, and then post it on the fridge.

It won't fly with an (almost) teenager that he can't swear when others in the household can, so consider a "swear jar" or something like that for the adults.

Good luck, and know that this is a phase!

We have been going through family therapy with my step children and the therapist we have seen suggest rewarding positive not focusing on consequences (the negative). For example if you do jar methods as suggested then you would need to switch the focus to when there is not swearing..your child would get the reward then. Try to ignore the swearing or just give a look. One thing we did was have our daughter look up other words in the dictionary she could use, and we tried to make light of it. We also use a coupon system in our house. Whenever the kids do something positive and it sometimes is as simple as using their manners, we give a coupon and say nice manners. We then have a sheet that lists what they can cash in the coupns for, for instance 10 coupons equals x amount of time on the computer. We save consequences or pointing out negative things for more "serious crimes". It really works, they sometimes even try to find positive/helpful things to do. We made our coupons on the computer and labeled them positive behavior coupons. My step children do not swear at our house anymore, and they treat us with respect. My step son lives with us full time, and step daughter part time. When they are at their mothers house she reports very poor behavior, but she does not follow through and typically focuses on the "bad". I can't say we don't have relapses, that happens with all things in life. Good luck.

C.,

Swearing can sometimes make kids feel powerful, older or cool. Did he learn it a home? At school? Via movies/TV? If he learned at home, the obvious is to set the example you want to see. If it's from movies/TV, that would need to be monitored or curtailed. If from school/friends, the best you can do is deliver consequences in a calm, cool manner...in fact, your response could well have a big impact on how long he continues to do so.

I highly recommend reading:

Parenting with Love & Logic...Foster Cline, Jim Fay

Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach...Howard Glasser

Both can be found at:

http://thecouragetochange.com/products.html

Good luck! Wishing you much success.

W.
www.kidlutions.com

Here is just one thought.... what about getting everyone a roll of quarters. I am sure that there is something that each person in the family is doing that they should stop.
Everyone gets a jar when they do it they lose a quarter. At the end of the month they get to keep whatever is left.
Hope this helps.

It is a hard age my son is 13. They are trying so hard to be grown up already.

ooops didn't read the others before I posted....

hm. i dont know!
patience, simply saying, you need to respect my rules and though im aware of what your friends are saying, and that you may say those things out of my houes, you will NOT use them in my house or presence.
i dont know. basically kids learn by example. if you are swearing, you need to work on stopping as well. if you swear and he calls your bluff by saying, "why should i stop when you do it" tell him that it is something you know is wrong and you are working on limiting swearing as well.

my 14 year old brother (:D) tells me to take away privileges. i guess i would recommend first taking away the privelege of going out with friends, if that is allowed. for each offence, one event should be taken away i would think. or one week of events ? something. you CAN and SHOULD have the power to remove him even from sports practice, with communication with the coaches that this is something you need to do as his parent and that his status in the team shouldnt have to suffer. maybe per offence you can just keep him out of ONE practice?

then go to other things... taking away tv privileges at home, gaming priviliges, computer, etc. of course, the reason why i mentioned removing the right to go out first is that if you tell him he cant watch movies or play video games, and he goes to a friends, hes just going to be able to do it there right?

anyway good luck. kids are kids and eventually, i believe, everyone swears. its part of them wanting to be like the adults in their life, because they swear.
so its someething we ALL should work on.

Something my parents did that worked for me was charging money for every swear word, if it doesn't work he will definately be broke!

C.,

I also have a 12 year old. They have used words in the past and have gotten told that it was not tolerated. We talked on what is a good word to use in place of it. My daughters both have learned from losin things, like losing their cell phones and computer times for bad mouthing or not following other rules. It works when you take something of value to them away.
Hope it works.
D.

This is just a thought.... I don't know if you give him an allowance, but maybe he could give you $.50 or so of it every time he says a swear word? :) Good luck!
C.

He's getting almost to that age where he's able to reason for himself whether or not he should do things. That's why it's often called the "age of reason" where ceremonies often take place around this time (bar mitzvah, coming of age ceremonies, etc.). The only reason I mention that is because it may be possible to explain to him why a person shouldn't swear. However, this explanation won't do a bit of good if you or your husband swear.

I guess that's all I have to say about that. :)

Hi, C.! Does he swear in front of you? I have to say that I used to swear profusely when I was that age (about 8th grade?) until one of my friends told me it was not very attractive. I happened to take it to heart and cleaned up my act! Part of the reason I did it was that I was always called a goodie-two-shoes in elementary school, and when I went to a new school for junior high, I decided to "re-invent" my image. My mom did ground me a lot for my behavior, but my friend was the true impetus to my stopping.

If he swears in front of you, I would start a swear jar, and make him put a dollar in every time he swears! Granted, this would really only be effective in FRONT of you. :)

If you are a woman of faith, in truth I would pray for him. I would also talk to him about how he appears to those around him when he swears. I would also try and monitor the movies he watches and steer him away from movies that have really rough language. I imagine at his age, this is going to be a challenge, especially since he's probably wanting to impress his friends.

I would also try positive re-enforcement; reward him when he goes a day without swearing, and gradually work up to rewarding him when he's gone a week without swearing, giving him a larger reward.

I'll be interested to see what other moms suggest; I hope you have some success and that your son quickly comes to the realization that swearing doesn't make him look as grown-up as he thinks it does.

I started charging my son a Quarter for every swear word, my own mother used to make my brothers and sisters and I put a bar of LAVA soap into our mouths, and that was a really gritty soap that was hard to get out. I am 37 now and I still get threatened with that whenever my mother hears me swear! Good luck. Maybe taking him to church might help also. Shame works pretty good in some cultures also. Like saying things to make him feel ashamed of the words he is using.