11 Yr Old HELP Needed!

My kids are much younger so I can not speak from experience raising older kids, but it doesn;t sound like this warrants a punishment. Just looking from an outsiders view, my guess would be that your daughter is having a hard time fitting in with all the new families that are not her own. She has to contend with your family and possibly your husbands. It also sounds like you are also extremely busy with two jobs. My suggestion would be that you try talking to her and asking her why she said that stuff. She may even truly feel the way she said, you just don't see it that way. Like I said, I have no experience with older children yet, mine are still toddlers, but this is what I got out of your request. Good Luck and I hope you two can get on the right track together.

Well I'm going a different direction. I'm assuming she told her dad and he told you. If you then bring it up to her, I think it erodes the trust she obviously has in him, and drives a wedge between you and her. A lot of people say kids are hte most honest people on earth, and it's true in many degrees. Maybe you don't realize you're asking her to do things for the other kids. Look closely at your actions and words to her the next couple of days.
If she's the one who told you she feels that way, I'd believe her even more. And I wouldn't punish her for being honest with you, even if you don't see eye to eye!
It seems like the real problem here is that you're hurt because she prefers spending more time with her father. Considering you seem to get along with him and there is no reason for concern, I'd encourage her to be where she prefers. She's old enough to make that decision. While it may feel like punishment to you, that's just how she feels with the other kids around apparently, especially since you said you run your own day care also, along with the other two kids at home. She's probably left out and has a lot more responsibility to them then you realize.

Hi Shelliy, I'm a mom of two adult children. After reading your issue I felt compelled to offer my advice. Before handing out any discipline to your daughter I would suggest you and your husband take a 3rd person look at your living situation. Your daughter may be feeling a little left out and in need of your attention. You mentioned that you have 2 younger children and your run a daycare from your home. How much one on one time do you devote to your 11 year old?
She may want to spend more time at her father's house because she feels more a part of the family there. Chores are definitely something that all children need, teaching responsibility is very important, and all children think their parents are being mean to them when they make them clean up at one time or another. Ensure you are doing what you agreed to by not including your daughter in the chores involved with the younger children or your daycare business. Ensuring she understands that she must contribute to the household by cleaning the areas you assign to her.
I would suggest sitting her down and talking to her about her feelings and explaining how it made you feel to hear the things she was telling her father. Tell her you felt disrespected and hurt. Let her know that she is an important part of your family and you are there to listen when she needs you. Taking her own room away seems a little harsh for this offense. At 11, she is in need of her own space and if this is the first time she's done something like this that's a little much. Putting restrictions on the computer and such should be sufficient. It's hard for parents to connect once their children start getting older and self reliant. It gets harder as they grow in to their teens. Connecting with your daughter, listening to her problems and concerns and offering love and guidance would be the best approach in my opinion. Giving her special time and attention away from the normal routine will help build a stong relationship between the two of you, which is of uptmost importance as she enters the teen years. Best of luck.

I can offer some proactive situations: Have a girl day, no boys, no babies....take her to movies, out to lunch...things that she doesn't have to take the other kids out of the car/ help with the shopping/take out trash...Remember all of those are chores and "looking after" as well. And you can also use words of encouragement like "It's so great that you and I can just go out to lunch and I don't have to feed you/clean up after you/hold your hand in traffic!"

As far as the lying goes, maybe for her it is the truth. (?). You do have a day care in your home where she is surrounded by babies all the time. For an 11 year old, it just might not be "cool".

You probably are telling the kids to clean up all the time, but that is how they learn...and you can remind your daughter that you had to do the same with her...that is why she is so self sufficint/remarkable/independent now. (I am just using the good words because I know you're having a tough time with it!)

Good luck. I feel for ya.

Woah! Be very careful where you go with this! My step daughter (age 13) prefers to be with us instead of her Mom. The reason is that her Mom's husband hands down rules and punishments that are completely inappropriate (and no offense but your husband's suggestion I think is inappropriate and will only make her dislike being with you all the more). My step daughter has absolutely no respect for her Mom's husband and resentment towards her Mom because she feels like her Mom is choosing this loser over her by not sticking up for her. EVER.

Now, I'm not saying that you or your husband are doing any of these things. My point is that this went on for YEARS and my step daughter put up with it because she didn't want to hurt her Mom's feelings by telling her that she hated her step dad so she gave her all kinds of bogus reasons for wanting to be here instead.

One of the very BIG reasons we've discoved that she and her brother (age 11) like being here is because they are allowed to respectfully say how they are feeling and tell us what they want. They don't always get what they are hoping for, but rarely kick up a fuss about it because they feel like they are listened to and loved, regardless of the outcome, and like they can tell us anything without fear of reprisal. The other big reason is that even when they are punished, they are told that they are special and loved, so Dad is never the enemy. He rarely raises his voice to them, never has spanked them, yet they are not spoiled. (And yes, they have PLENTY of chores at our house, so that isn't it, at least not for them.) THE KEY HERE IS COMMUNICATION.

You obviously are hurt that she prefers to be with her Dad and that she was dishonest with you. If you lower the boom on her, you will make the situation much, much worse. I'm not saying that there should be no pusishment for her dishonesty, but you need to get to they heart of WHY she said that and then address it, not only to your satisfaction, but to hers as well. If you don't, this behavior will not only continue, but worsen. That's exactly what I saw happen with my step daughter at her Mom's house. She finally refused to go back to her Mom's in Feb. and has been here ever since - her Mom lost her just because she wouldn't take the time to listen to her and stick up for her when it was appropriate. (My husband warned her for 8 years that this would happen, trying to save the relationship, but she ignored him and lost her daughter.)

If her Dad and you get along well (I think you said you do), then you should talk to him as well and involve him in this. The two of you are her parents and therefore are responsible to care for and raise her no matter who you may be married to. Maybe he already does this, but your hubby needs to give you his input and then step out of it and let you and your child's dad work things out with her. Then he needs to accept and support whatever the two parents decide is appropriate for her.

The bottom line is that she's obviously got an issue that she'd rather lie about than tell you about. Ask yourself why and then fix it, and I'm sure you'll see some big changes in your daughter when she knows you are on her side -all the time, even when she is being naughty.

i dont think its a good idea to take away her room. theres something about having personal space that makes people feel welcome. by taking her room you could send signals that your trying to push her out. how bout removing the door itself?

as difficult as it may be you and your daughter have to start talking to each other. it sounds like your hands are full but try to make time for just the two of you everyday. go for a walk after dinner or make trips to the grocery store together. going to the movies and stuff is fun too but she has to realize there are other ways for you to spend time together.

it sounds like she needs consistancy when it comes to chores. maybe a list can be worked out at both houses?

good luck :)

Don't make the punishment for her a benefit for another child! It will look like you are choosing between kids and playing favorites. The five-yr-old has nothing to do with this and shouldn't be given her room. Decide on a punishment for the 11 yr old that concerns her alone, not the other children.

However, rather than just punish her for lying, I think there is a much bigger issue going on that you need to address. Why is she lying about this? Is she feeling pulled between you two, etc? Does she feel your younger kids are favored? An 11 yr old knows that lying is wrong, but I would be more concerned about why she is doing this. Just punishing her will not solve the underlying problem and will cause more resentment.

S.,

I can understand your problem and faced many of those situations my own daughter. I agree with your husband on some things. I wouldn't take away her room because she is older than the other children but I would take away her computer. I would also take out a TV and VCR/DVD player if she has one and a cell phone if she has one of those too. She does need to learn that you don't lie and make up stories because she doesn't want to do her chores and help out around the house. The reason that you want her to do those things is to learn responsiblilty and you need to let her know that. I would also let her know if and when she starts working with you and not telling lies she will earn her things back one at a time but can also be taken away just as easy as she gets them back. I hope this helps.

D.

A severe punishment may make the situation worse. Instead of getting information from her dad, why don't you sit down with her without other distractions and let her know that you both love spending time with her and what could you do to make her stay better. Of course, you are not going to give in and change your rules about chores and explain why she needs to do chores - it makes her more responsible and when children are more responsible it shows that they will be allowed to do more responsible things, like use the computer, or go to a friend's house. Maybe hearing straight from her, you can find out what the real problem is. Also I would talk to her father and find out if he will compromise and have her do a couple of chores at his house. Good luck, that seems like a hard situation.

Wow, I don't have all the answers and this does sound like a difficult situation, but the fact that you are seeking advice on 'punishment' is a bit worrisome to me.

I would look at the root of the problem -- that your daughter doesn't feel wanted/comfortable in your home (not the fact that she disrespected you - that's a separate issue.) It must be hard for her having young siblings that take a lot of mommy's time and attention. Have you discussed her feelings with her? I think it might be good for you guys to start with a talk...

As far as 'I need to find a punishment before she returns tomorrow' - I don't think that will solve anything and only make matters worse. And, please, don't take away her bedroom -- that sounds very childish to me.

This is a very tricky age. You need to solidly lay groundwork of trust and respect for the next few years (7 or 8) and it needs to be on both sides. I feel that taking away everything she has is extreme even to make a point (not that I'm beyond that feeling occasionally). You definitely need to sit her down and ask why she felt like she needed to tell her dad those things. Maybe she isn't lying so much as exaggerating or maybe there is a difference in perception about what you ask of her. I try to be careful with my oldest not to ask too much of him, but when it gets to be dinner time and the baby is fussing or the toddler needs someone to play with, he's my go to guy. I was the oldest of 6 and sometimes that's just the way it is, no matter what the mom's intentions are. I think what she is expressing is natural for her age, though not acceptable, and is complicated by the arrangement of your family. Be patient, but firm. Try to see her side of it, but explain that lying is not acceptable and that if she is going to want any freedom in the coming years (and she will) than she is going to need your trust. Good luck.

I think you need to have a talk with her about the entire situation, including about trust. You have to trust that she won't lie, as she's reaching an age where she will be allowed more freedom, but you can't give it to her if she lies. Ask her, first, about why she said those things...maybe she told the truth, with a little embellishment, because it is truth from her point of view. I think the punishment is too harsh if this is a first-time offense. I would let her know that punishment is the norm and if an episode like this reoccurs, with lying, playing parents against each other, that there will be a punishment.

By the way, she is old enough to have responsibility as a family member. Family members do clean up and watch out for each other. It's called helping out. Lord knows you cleaned up enough times after her and watched her. I just think calling her on the carpet for her behavior, and letting her know how sad you felt about it would be enough for a first time thing. At this age, it's so tough, because they do deserve more freedoms, but that comes with responsibility, and trust is so important. You want to tie them down, but not suffocate them. She is going to push to see where the new limits are, which you'll make up as you go along. It's an insecure time. Maybe bio dad needs to give her responsibilities over there, too. It really will be good for her, and that way she will know that being at the other house won't let her veg out.

It may be too late, but I thought I would put in my two bits' worth, anyway. I think that you should sit down with her and tell her how hurt you are that she lied to her father. Then tell her that there has to be circumstances for lying and that you will take away her computer for a week (or however long). Ask her why she is doing that, and try to find out from her dad what she is doing at his house that she wants to get away from yours. She may have a new "love" near his house or he has a better game or something. Ask her to imagine living at her dad's house to see if she would really want to. Tell her you love her no matter what and would like her to stay.

First of all I just wish to urge you not to take her room away. For something like this that is way too extreme and she would likely only resent both you and your husband and her sisters all the more, thus driving her away as you do not want to do. Plus at her age she needs and surely values her privacy.
A funny thing about kids they have an interesting perception of the truth at times. Take a step back and look at how things really are... maybe you ask of her more than you realize? With her being so much older than the other 2 and with you having a day care too it's something that could easily happen without your realizing.
Maybe what she needs most of all is more one on one time with mom... I know it can be difficult to manage between the other kids and day care but that may be what you need to focus on more... If she isn't happy there is surely a reason, best way to get to the bottom of it is one on one mother daughter talks and the best way to get those is spending some time together just you two. Go get some ice cream and have a chat. Don't get too serious too fast but ease into it.
I am sure you are a wonderful loving mom and with all the advice you get on here you will be able to make the right choice for you. Good luck!
P.S. Remember that it's LOVE that makes the REAL difference in our lives.

Punishment should fit the crime...you and her biological father need to address the lies head on, when she realizes that she cannot put you against each other (which is what she has done) she might stop, although it is doubtful. "Punishment" might be making her read all day when she is at your house and her fathers say for two days. Next time the lies occur the "punishment" increases. Her biological father must enforce this and you have to work together to help her learn lying is wrong. Remember all smaller children should not be left along with her since she could hurt them as well by her actions.

When she is forced to seat and read books there should be no TV, no games, no computer, just reading so she can contemplate her actions. Some parents even wash the mouth out with liquid soap, at 11 she should know right from wrong. Good Luck! Ket us know how it turns out.

Hi S.,

Tell us about your 11 yr old daughters bio dad.
Is he married? Does he have other children?

The punishment that I am hearing is childish
and insecure. Removing the PC is good enough.
Only if your daughter understands why.

[quote]Now my questions is my husband wants to take away her room (5yr old and 18 month old share and she has her own) and give it to the 5 year old and take away computer and all her other things that we have provided for her here so that she realizes just how good she has it but I am not sure we should go that extreme although I do believe that she should be punished [/quote]

Not sure I was any help.
However at the age of 11 they are really changing and
every little girl is a Princess in their Daddys eyes.
If he is a good daddy let her spend the summer with him.

If he is a bad daddy then you are really in a hard spot.
C.