My 3 Year Old Has Told Is First Lie

This is an awesome website and here is direct info on lying. I highly recommend their book--you can order from them or even Aamzon.

http://www.parentmagic.com/newsletter-view.cfm

He's 3....he wanted the candy and found a way to manipulate the situation. It's quite common for kids to do that. I did when I was that age, you may have done it too. Except I stuffed all my pockets to maximum capacity at the Brach's bin and told my mother I didn't take any candy from the store. I wouldn't over analyze and say it's a "sad day". He's a normal kid who wanted some candy.

My 3 year old ALSO started lying recently. I read the part on lying in "The Discipline Book" by Dr. William Sears and it gave me a VERY helpful insight to the minds of such a young child. The other Moms are right when they say that their imaginations are so vivid that they really don't understand the difference between reality and fantasy. I never get angry with my son when he doesn't tell me the truth (and it's usually REALLY obvious) but I also don't let him get away with it. I try to keep it in my mind that I will not get angry at him if he tells me the truth - that way he has less of a reason to lie in order to not get in trouble. He still has consequences when he lies - the candy gets taken away, etc. but I don't make him feel like a bad kid for taking candy. It is more like, "I know that you would like this candy and maybe you WISH that Mom would've given it to you, but it's just not a good time to have candy right now. Maybe later after you finish your dinner."

I also am very careful not to set him up to lie. If I go into a room and see a huge mess that I KNOW he made, I don't ask him "Did you make this mess?" I already know the answer so I will say, "I see that you made a big mess in here. It needs to be cleaned up so please stop what you are doing and..."

I would encourage you to stay positive with him and be patient. For my son, he continues to try lying, but I know it isn't because he is trying to be cunning - he is just trying to figure out life and what consequences are for different actions. I use it as teaching moments rather than punnishing moments and I remember that lecturing on "Truth and lies" is still very abstract for him and doesn't generally help things. I will thank him for times that he does tell the truth and never call him a "liar" or say "You were lying." Even "What you told me was not the truth" is more positive and still gets the point across.

Good luck, and I seriously recommend Dr. Sears' book. It's phenomenal and helps me to not forget how special my kids are.

don't be sad, this is normal human development! ALL kids will try out lying. they key is not to make a big emotional deal out of it, explain that its wrong with all the intensity of emotion that you'd use to explain how to put your shoes on the right feet.

shaming kids and making them cry over things that are totally normal and natural for them to do creates fear and causes an INCREASE, not a decrease, in those behaviors.

Three year olds believe that they can make something true by saying it. They don't really understand what lying is or that it is wrong. It is our job to teach them about lying and right and wrong. So I think you did the right thing in showing him that lying is not right. Of course he's going to cry, he wants the candy! That shows that your punishment had an effect. No one enjoys being punished. Just remember it is all part of the journey. Your job is to teach your child to be a good person. Don't come down too heavy on him, but guide him with love.

Lying is one thing we absolutely do not tolerate in our home. We reward our son with gold coins for doing things and he gives us gold coins (rather than us taking them) when he disobeys, etc. We have a chart with pictures that we made up on the computer and how many each activity is worth in coins. 1 gold coin for most things, but lying gets 3 gold coins lost. It makes a HUGE impression on our son. Then he gets to use those coins to trade for different special things, like 20 gets him go-karting with Daddy for a few hours...100 gets him a day at Disneyland. He can choose to go go-karting frequently or save up for Disneyland.

He knows what's expected of him and he knows the line never changes.

A few weeks ago, he went across the street to play with the neighbor kids. My husband was clear with the parents that he was not to watch TV or play video games - we wanted him to PLAY. If their kids were going to watch TV, etc, then call us and we'll bring him home. We explained to him - NO TV or video games. (We allow limited amounts of it on the weekends.) When my husband picked him up, he was watching Men in Black - not appropriate for a 5 year old....but the only way we found out was that Michael himself told us he watched TV. We took his video game privledges away for the rest of that weekend, BUT we gave him 3 gold coins for being honest. We wanted to reward him for being honest when he didn't have to say a thing.

3 year olds DO understand. I stole a Chapstick when I was 3 and my mom found it. I gave her reasons why I took it, but I knew it was wrong. She drove me back to the store, where she made me apologize to the cashier and manager...and then paid for it. I have NEVER stolen anything else in my entire life. In fact, when someone rings something up incorrectly at a store, I tell them they made a mistake and I pay the higher amount. I can sleep at night knowing I have character and ethics...and so domy children. Lies are lies. Lies of omission are still lies.

I think you handled it just fine and as most mom's would. My three old has told a few lies already too. Like the toilet paper shredded all over the bathroom, he said it was his little sister's fault. But I knew very well it wasn't. He got timeout for telling a lie. That's pretty much all we can do at this stage. But if it gets bad, you start to take away certain privileges, like being able to go outside and play.
Good luck!

Sounds like you handled it properly :)

JK-V
www.AisForAutism.net

Don't be so hard on yourselves.....Can't correct it without loving him. Your reaction was appropriate. He ignored you and cried because he is embarassed and it's okay, he needs to learn young that lying is unacceptable. Especially in your home, expect only the best of your children, it'll get way harder, but you're not alone.....

No Suggestions here! Thought you two did great!

I am a grandmother of seven - had three daughters. I am also a retired elementary school teacher (25 years). Chhildren at age three often will tell a lie- especially to avoid discipline or to get what they want. Please do not be too worrried. It is very natural and at that age, a child does not realize the importance of being truthful. What you did was fine. I would suggest you continue to talk to him about being truthful if he tells another lie (and I would bet he will), but remain calm and don't let yourself get too upset about it.

I don't feel like he was really lying. Not like we as adults with fully developed brains and conscience do. He knew what he wanted, he knew what needed to happen and he made it happen. Pretty ingenious. I woul dtalk to him about why the candy isn't good for him, and how we had said no because of those reasons. Not shame him. Check out joyuful[arenting.com with Scott Noelle. He has a really great daily email and talks about little ones and truth. I enjoy his thoughts on parenting.

www.consciousmamas.com

Good morning M.,
I am a mom of 3 teenagers and have been through a lot of discipline. Keep in mind that kids are smart from the very start and know how to manipulate/avoid getting in trouble. Try talking to him when he is not so emotional and stay strong on your discipline. I have learned that what you and your husband say that you are going to do you HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH. Once kids know that mom and dad can sway on what they say then they will work on you even more. Good luck on the many more years and issues of discipline.

You responded perfectly. It is a natural thing for kids to do this. No kid who has ever lived on this earth has not tried to lie. But you did the right thing and he will eventually learn that this is not appropriate and it will not become a major habit. So no worries. In case you are wondering how I would know anything about it....I am a mother of 4 girls ages 13, 11, 7, and 7 (youngest are twins). I've been there, done that.

I completely agree with Laura A. I feel you handled it perfectly. Kids will lie. This is just the first of many to come. We do not tolerate lying but reality is - it happens and it exist - especially as they get older- they get more creative. What you did was correct, the crying-that is a given- do not give into the crying-I did and still do also tell my kids that when they do wrong and admit it they will be in a lot less trouble then if they had lied about it. So, they know off the bat they have a choice. They also know that for some reason, moms always find out and that we do have eyes in the back of our heads. I think that freaks them out more how I figured it out and found out, Remember, you were a child once before, even if lying is not tolerated- it is done- even as an adult we all try to rationalize our "lying" I am not saying it is right. But there are the little white lies, like the ones we tell when we do not want to hurt someones feelings. How many times some one will ask you, How are you doing? Answer: Great, I am doing fine> when you are really having a bad day and you are not fine, Is that not a harmless lie and we do choose who we will confide in. As I stated we all tell our little white lies. It is when they cause hurt and harm to ourselves and others and it becomes habitual. SO just be prepared, It is important to teach your child that it is not wise to lie, but when he gets older, he or she will know the difference between the little white harmless lie and the ones that will get him/her in more trouble, hurt others as well as huring themselves. I myself have 3 kids. ages 9, 11 and 14. Don't worry, you are doing a great job, you handled it well and only you know what works on your child as far as the discipline that works for your child. I have 3 and one form of discipline does not work the same on the other. They are 3 different individuals with 3 different personalities, likes dislikes and I know what will work on them and what doesn't. One form of discipline that one parent my offer may not work on your child, but if you had another child-that form of discipline might work on your other child. You know their personality, use your instints and contiune asking for advise from here or from friends/familly even your pediatrician. Don't worry you will do just fine

Hi M.,

I have a 4 year old little girl and I too was sad when she told her first lie. We did the same thing, we took away the object of her lie and we gave her a time out. But I went a bit further and took away her play make-up which at the time was her favorite thing. We explained about lying and how she was never to lie. I spoke to her daycare provider and it is actually very common for kids to start lying at about this age. I wish I could tell you that it will stop with just the discipline that you gave your child, but you are probably going to have to punish him several more times. I will tell you that to just be patient, and very consistent. Don't let him get away with it at all. My daughter has told more lies, and each time I take away her favorite things. Then we explain why you don't tell lies. She usually will cop to the lie quickly now. Good luck.

Hi M.,

Don't worry about it! I know you're trying to teach your child right from wrong, but please understand, at age three it's perfectly normal for children to "lie" without even realizing that they're doing it. This is the stage when their imagination is suddenly becoming very active. Believe it or not, it's possible that, in his mind, he wasn't lying. Now is the time to encourage imagination and make believe but to also try to help him differentiate between what is real and what is not.

Good luck and keep trying to raise "Good Kids".

M.

Here are some great links & articles about children & "lying:

http://www.familyresource.com/parenting/behavior-issues/d...
http://life.familyeducation.com/lying/discipline/41753.html
http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/

At this age, sometimes, a child will say something and not really understand that it is "bad" to lie... they just think about the immediate at hand. I don't think they have multi-step "strategies" planned out in a premeditated way like an adult would. But yes, they need to know from the parents what the "rules" are and what is not acceptable. At this age they understand and boundaries are learned now.

Your boy was probably trying to "ignore" your talking to him because perhaps he was "embarrassed" about doing a "no-no." At least that is how my girl is sometimes when we reprimand her for something... she cries and feels embarrassed and feels bad about it & she tells us this. Sometimes, just wait until they have calmed down... then, sit down and in a calm way explain to him about what happened. Remind the child that they are loved... it is the "action" that you do not approve of etc. Kids this age, naturally, take things personally... it's just their development and it is a tender age of their growing up.

All the best,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegooogoo

M.~
All kids lie. It's their way of getting what they want or getting out of trouble. They may not think that they are lying because to them, it is truth because it's in their mind. Just like when kids cover their eyes and think that you can't see them because they can't see you. Don't be too worried. It will happen again. Just inforce your rules and explain that his behavior will have consequences. Kids will "play" their parents against each other all the time. I remember when my daughter did it. She didn't know that I was in the next room and heard her tell her father that "Mommy said it was Ok". She was busted and knew it when I walked in and said "What did I say was Ok?" My husband and I always check with each other first before we take the kids' word on it. It shows the kids that they can't manipulate you and that you are a team with your decissions. It's a normal phase they all go through. Good luck!