11 Yr. Old Daughter Has Entered the Stage of Puberty That Comes with No Respect

I would suggest a book titled. Parenting with Love and Logic.

Its emphasis is on disapline and allowing children to make choices and based on the choices, the responsibility of their actions. Ultimatly it puts the child in control of their actions and the consequenses if they make the wrong choices.

Some stuff works and some stuff doesn't

I have three daughters who are all in middle school. I believe teens go through the same stage that three-year-olds do.. they are exploring new boundaries. They want to express themselves and be independent but they also need clear expectatons as to what is acceptable and what is not.

As a middle school teacher, here's my advice:

*Don't take her behaviour personally!

*Try to make light of "unpleasant" moods. Avoid sarcasm or belittling her feelings, but try not to feed into moodiness or focus on it too much.

*Sometimes giving tweens/teens time to themselves when they're feeling moody can work wonders.

*Your expectations for your daughter's respect need to remain clear. She doesn't have to like everything you ask her to do or to do it cheerfully, but make it clear that you expect her to do what is asked or there will be consequences. (no TV, computer, etc.) Yes, she'll "hate" you, but she'll get the guidance she needs.

*Remember that this, too, shall pass!!!

Now if I could just get some advice on dealing with my 2-year-old. :)

Sorry honey, other than sticking to boundaries and rules and following up with consequences if she doesn't abide by them, there really isn't anything else you can do. Make sure you call her on her disrespect and make sure the rest of you are all on the same page. I was going through menopause when my step daughter was going through puberty.........They don't mix! You will be living with a hateful stranger for a while and in a "few" years the Evil Faeries will return your "real" daughter and all will be well. Remember You Are The Parent, Not her Pal!

Hi E.,
Wow, you've got some really nice responses. I flashed back on my sons when they were that age! I thought those days would never end. But I also found them most enjoyable when we could connect verbally. There were moments when the hormones didn't fill the air and they got the smart gene going strong, that we actually talked. And funny but they got the hang of it and found that when I was cooking and they were the assigned helper we could talk with out throwing food at each other. It helped that I let them do the main course and music of their choice played (within reason). Today, they are great cooks, enjoy talking more than me even and have a good head on their shoulders.
Just don't let her isolate from you or the family, if she's feeling ucky, Ok. Get out for a walk in the woods, or take up a hobby of picture taking and make a album of pictures she's taken and why she took them.
Get her and yourself into a community action group of some sort, reading to old folks sounds rough but they have some stories to tell and just lay there waiting for someone to visit.Have her volunteer at a womans place they take volunteers for an hour or so to just help put donations away or other none privacy things. Find a childrens wing at a hospital and make something to give to them.
Being part of the humanrace is very rewarding when you are in it and contrbuting, she's getting older and should be invited into it provided she can see the need to behave in such a manner as to get to play with the grownups.

Hi E.,

You are entering a very frustrating time. It's disheartening to care about someone who is miserable and surly. I have two daughters and felt all these things. I found alot of help with a book called "Get Out of My Life, But First Can You Take Cheryl and Me to the Mall." It was wise and funny and addressed directly the up and down emotions that this age child is going through internally. With some humor, boundaries and empathy you can actually deepen your relationship. Another couple of books that helped me are How to Talk so children Will Listen and Non-violent Communication.

I wish you luck,
S.

Hi E., as a mom of a 15-year-old daughter who has been intense since babyhood, I know exactly what you are talking about. While I am not an expert, I'll share with you what I've found the last few years regarding teen development that hopefully will at least keep you sane.

First, what you describe is a very normal development for teen girls. They don't think anything is good because they just realize that they are a part of a much bigger world and it's a scary thing to figure out where and how they fit. They are at a loss between wanting to be independent and yet still needing mom and dad. They don't think we as parents know anything because they think we have already taught them everything we know, and now teachers and friends are their source of new information. Little wonder they think that, because they think all we do is nag them on things that we think they should know and don't do. They show disrespect partly because they are scared and they don't think we understand, partly because they don't think we can teach them anything new, and partly because they see others do it. They will always try to blame someone on anything that is not right or have gone wrong because they feel very very insecure about themselves, so much so that they even are very intolerent of others' mistakes and talk bad about others, mostly about those who they think 'look down' on them.

What I've found that have helped a lot are to AFFIRM rather than advise whenever I feel she can make her own decisions, to remember complementing her daily on her good points or good or kind actions she has displayed, and to remind her daily that I love her. Sometimes it is very hard not to tell her what to do and what to say because I know her choices don't work, but as long as it will not hurt her or others physically, emotionally, and morally, I have to remind myself to let her learn from her own mistakes. Sometimes I do have to remind her that it is totally unacceptable to be disrespectful to parents and teachers. If she is only disrespectful when she is mad, a reminder should be all you need. I've also found that Communication is very important. Don't automatically think she knows what you mean. Often my daughter gets mad when I say something I think is very neutral and she thinks I am judging her and telling her she is stupid. If she starts talking back, try asking her what she thinks you mean. Often figuring out what each other means has helped to diffuse the anger building up between my daughter and me. If things get too tense, use humor. Look at the funny side of your arguments. That's also a good diffuser. My daughter and I still have a lot of 'blow ups'. But she remains a very affectionate daughter, and she is coming to me more often for advice now than before when I automatically gave advice whenever she described problems to me. My husband is reading a book called 'What I wish you knew' and says it has helped him understand our daughter a lot more. It is put out by the American Girls. Many people have told me that girls calm down a lot around 16 and become respectful and more mature. So there is light at the end of the tunnel! Best wishes.

Elsia,

Congrats on working for kids for 16 years! wow cool! And congrats on your daughter beginning this important stage in her life. Becoming a young lady is huge. Elsia you are her role model and it's up to you to demonstrate the behavior you want from her. If you feel that she is disrespecting you then give her the respect of being a young adult and growing up. She is working on some important things right now with her body changes and how she thinks of herself. Think in terms of what women go through at all the stages in their lives.

I would set the rules in the house in a way that you are in control and responsible for what you do and say and expect the same for her. Model the behavior as if she is watching you ALL the time because even though it seems she is not listening she is. Make sure you connect with her and if you are busy, then always "set up a time" when you will get back to her (within 24 hours) and "reschedule" a follow up or a time when you have more time to talk.

This is crucial because she needs to know you are there and will listen with an open ear, not being critical, but SUPPORTIVE. She's becoming a lady and that is so so cool. Hey, take her out for a manicure or shop for young lady clothes and help her find places to shop that work for her (let her choose) You could pick up some of her friends and say your doing a mall trip for her and how about inviting some friends because your dedicating the time for her to have fun. If your close to her friends moms you can ask if they would like to help with mentoring, so if one of the girls doesn't want to talk to their mom about something they can talk to another mom. Make sure that everyone understands the information will stay with that mom because this isn't meant to be a gossip train, but rather a safe intervention.

Tell her you want to buy some paint for her room and you could buy some new stuff to go with the new color if she chooses to get rid of the younger stuff in her room.

Celebrate the positive aspects of becoming a young lady, she is well aware of the negetives. And let her be your guide by watching her and listening to her. For example if she is trying to figure out what pantyhose to buy or what to wear for leggings with a skirt you could make suggestions like, gosh, I used to by these pantyhose/leggings that were so tight on my belly so I switched to THIS BRAND lol. You get the idea.

Let her know it's ok to be the age you are too! Ask her opinion on things, such as, does this look ok? How about, talking about what's appropriate clothes for you by saying stuff like "I like to wear high heels, but I wear the comfortable kind now, like Dansko, because I'm on my feet working all day and although I still want to look sophisticated, I am at the time in my life where comfort is key". Or could you help me with my bracelet it's hard to put on? These are things we all go through at any age and let her know it's alright to have the feelings she does because we all do. Talking to her in a way that you are open with being who you are is a good modeling tool for her to feel good about herself and be open to what is going on in her life too.

I'm excited for you both and I know this is hard for you watching your little girl grow up. She'll do just find because I can tell she has a caring mom.

I wish your family well,
G.

i wish I had lots of good advice for you, but all I can offer is empathy since I seem to have the exact same person living in my house! (13 yr old stepdaughter) She changed so fast last year, it definitely caught us by surprise. Anyway, for what it's worth, I just wanted you to know you're not alone!

Try taking your preteen to volunteer somewhere like habitat for humanity where she can learn it is not all about her and gain a respect for what you provide for her. I can tell you from my own experience as a teen that it is probably 85% hormones and almost impossible to control. Try not to yell or always be preachy. Compliment her often and make her feel important and needed. You might also consult her doctor on managing her hormones better. Try to really listen to her if you expect her to really listen to you.

it is difficult at that age especially for girls, as we all know. not only are their bodies changing but also remember that there are changes goin on in their minds as well. they are staring down the barrel that leads to adulthood and they are scared. scared of what other kids say about them, scared that they wont be accepted as one of the group when they move on, scared of lots of things. i have worked with my two oldest to get them through the strangeness of the tween/teen years(still working with one). the best thing is of course set your expectations. let her know what they are. empower her to live up to them. listen to her...she may just need to vent. above all else be open and honest. these rules have proven to be the most valuble as my girls have grown. we talk about everything....and i do mean everything. its wonderful. and as a result by using these rules, the boundries of trust have never been in danger.

E.,
It's challenging raising a preteen. I just finished a book called Reviving Ophelia, By Mary Pipher,Ph.D. I am not a big self help book reader, but it has some really good things to think about. It has some great tips for mothers and fathers. I found it very enlightening. One of the things was to take the time when they want to talk to just listen and not always are they looking for someone to fix the problem but to just listen. Good luck.
S., Mother of three girls 12, 8 1/2 and 4 1/2

E.,

I feel your pain. It is true in the eyes of teens all parents seem to lose all knowledge and become the lamest people on earth. But there is light at the end of the tunnel and we parents do regain our knowledge and wisdom as the child matures and meets their developmental task of self identity. I have found consistency, patience, showing unconditional love and lots of prayers to be my tools though this time.

We went thru this stage and all I can tell you is hang in there and DON'T BEND! If you set limits on what you expect out of her, regarding respect and behavior, stick with it and stick with a fair consequence to match. A friend told me going into this stage that you have to treat it like an overgrown 2 year old. Sounds like you know how to deal with that age group pretty well so transfer your knowledge and mean what you say. If given an inch, she will shoot for a mile so you really need to be consistent with your expectations. She also needs to understand what the consequences will be if she breaks the rules and know that you WILL follow thru. I'm sure she will test you but you have to be firm or it will come back to bite you. My now 16 year old is a great teenager and we went thru a few major teen tantrums (literally tantrums) and stood our ground. Good luck! :)

When my daughters start being disrespectful, I stop TV, I stop Movies, I stop friends. I try to find the source of where they are getting bad attitudes. Bad behaviour is not tolerated. If it happens, one by one the privileges are revoked until their behaviour improves. I found movies nowadays are SO disrespectful of EVERYONE - parents, other humans. It's like human beings hate themselves and everyone else unless they get exactly what they want. Cut out all of the external video input, check what MUSIC she is listening to. I'm amazed when I see parents with bad music blaring in with swear words, all with young children present. Our whole culture is teaching KIDS to disrespect parents, teachers, and even themselves. I'm a musician and it wasn't until I was 6 or 7 that we had a TV in the house. I am KEENLY aware of the radical input media makes in your thought processes. They actually did a study in Northern Quebec (I'm from Montreal) and discovered there was NO violence in the small town, but after television was introduced in the 1980s, the violence rate among males (there was NO violence) skyrocketed in about 4 years! Teenagers started getting into trouble.

People now are not so aware of media influence, because they've had it all of their lives.

I see the difference movies make in MY childrens' attitutes, and have had to - numerous times - cancel all movie and TV watching - including Disney! The ratings don't mean anything. I saw Alvin and the Chipmunks and realized THAT wasn't even kid appropriate, with the stupid attitudes, and suggestive dancing. VERY inappropriate for kids. I was sorry I took my kids to see it, and sure enough bad attitudes popped out the same day, and the next.

Usually girls start rebelling about 16, NOT 11, unless something else is amiss.

E., I don't know if I have any great advice for you, but I just wanted to tell you how much your last comment struck home with me! I also think I was just REALLY well prepared for my little ones' early childhood, and I felt exactly the same way when my first one showed her very first "pre-teen" stuff to us--the day after the youngest was born! My partner and I looked at each other in horror, realizing that, given that we had one 10 year old, one 6 year old, and a newborn, we were about to spend the NEXT 20 YEARS being parents of pre-teen or teen girls!!!

So far, I've made it through one who is now 18, am in the midst of one who is 14, and the youngest hasn't quite reached that pre-teen thing yet, though I'm beginning to detect the early signs.

The best advice I can give is just what I did when they were 4--the adolescence of childhood--grit your teeth, grin, and say (out loud if you dare!) "Congratulations, you're developing normally!" and then go take a time out for yourself until you no longer feel the power struggle of the moment taking over your consciousness. Chances are, by that time, she'll be through it, too, and you might even be able to get away with a reasoned discussion--try to think "talking to an equal" even though she isn't yet--about how you felt when she did/said... and also how she felt!

There are also times when I find it very helpful to notice the specific personality traits that are still exactly the same as when she was little. If you can see that stomping, raging or emoting pre-teen suddenly shrink to a 4 year old or a 2 year old doing the exact same thing, you'll get some instant perspective!

Eventually you will get through it! Even my 18 year old--who reached a point where, due to the many things going on, truly believed it when she told me and others how much she hated me--is back to being on a friendly and trusting level with me.

Good luck!
Fiora

Our oldest started at the age of 9 with the same type of behavior. She is now almost 19. I am not going to lie, she was a struggle from the age of 9 on. There were fights, yelling matches about everything. Nothing worked. Very frustrating. It came to a point that I really had to pick my battles with her. What was really worth fighting over. I was exhausted all the time from her and her behavior. As she grew the choosing of battles was the best way that I could handle her. She is not like any other tween out there and you will not be able to use conventional forms in raising her. All you can do is guide her down the road and she will make choices on her own. If she strays from the road she will quickly return to the path that you have suggested for her as she will realize that you were probably right but will never admit it. Eventually she will learn respect but believe me it will take some time. My daughter now admits that she was a handful when growing up but our relationship is better than it ever has been. You have a very strong willed child and the more you fight with her the more she will rebel. Grounding, taking things away never even phased our daughter, it just made her more angry. I'm not saying to let her get away with everything because you need to keep her safe and out of harms way but it will be the everyday things that you will be struggling over. We tried counseling and that even made things worse. I finally had to resort to my own instincts and I can honestly say today that she is a very strong young woman and is doing well in college and is going to be very successful in everything she does. My youngest daughter who is 5 years younger than the oldest has never had this type of behavior. I don't know where it came from but God certainly challenged me with my oldest. Good luck.

Be firm, fair and consistant. Set booundries and stick to them and have real consequenses for not following the rules of the house. ie: " your words, or actions, or tone of voice demonstratea a lack of respect for me, your brother etc... and it's not ok. You can choose to change your behavior right now or you will not go to skating, to the movie a friends house etc.. whatever is happening that day or the next)

Hi E., I am guessing what your daughter is going through is just part of growing up. My daughter was that way at the same age. She started picking on her younger brother and her eyes were always rolling.

It wasn't planned as a way to change my daughter's attitude, but what a difference! My daughter and I went to Peru by outselves. We started with some tours and finished with a visit with our Peruvian friends.

What happened was; we became reliant on each other, because of the language barrier, dangers, and being alone so often, so much so that a strong trust built between us. Sometimes I was too scared to leave the hotel room and my daughter was the strong one and convinced me that we had to go eat. Sometimes I was the strong one. We made decisions together about just about everything. When we got home I sat down with her and said, "I hope that you know you can always trust me and that my decisions are never to punish or hurt you, they are always made with your best interest in mind". From then on we have had a great relationship.

I am not saying that you have to go to a far away country. There are some fabulous team building weekend outtings, rock climbing and more, I think outward bound is one of them. Being in a position that your daughter has to trust her family and you have to trust her will change her life and yours.

My friends often tell me that they are so jealous that my daughter is so wonderful. I know that our trip to Peru was quite an adventure, but it also changed our lives forever.

By the way, I read, Reviving Ophelia, By Mary Pipher,Ph.D too. I went into my daughter's room crying and telling her that I just didn't think I can raise a teenager! She asked me what was wrong and I told her about the book. She looked me right in the eye and said, "OH, Mom, you have got to stop reading those books, I AM FINE!" I asked her to help me through it and you know, she does. I think giving her respect, letting her know that I don't have all skills and having her help, made the difference.

How heartening to find that even childhood professionals have struggles with their kids! Have you tried a shared journal? It's a journal that you and your daughter make entries into, spelling out your frustrations with one another but also saying the things that make you proud to know one another as well. Writing is cheap and effective therapy; plus, it brings a degree of seriousness to see something written on a page, rather than words floating in the air. You might be the only one who writes in the journal for a while before she picks up with it, but hey, what isn't worth a shot when you're miserable, right? Good luck.

Audrey

Hi, E.! We have three kids, two of them girls, who we have gotten to the age of 16 (and past) with RELATIVE success ~ they are by no means perfect but they are good kids. We also have three little ones "coming up" behind them, and I have worked with youth for the last seven years. I know exactly what you're talking about, and of course it's completely normal.

Respect is key, in two ways:

FIRST, you need to model the respect you're looking for. Just because she's a kid doesn't mean she's not worthy of it, so do what you reasonably can to show her respect. Respect her boundaries, privacy, and space, again within reason. Listen to what she has to say as much as you can and try your best not to judge or attack, or she'll very likely shut down, and BELIEVE ME you want the lines of communication to stay open! Speak to her calmly. Validate her whenever you can, and whenever possible let her come to her own conclusions and work out her own solutions ~ then let her experience the consequences of her choices. Show interest in what's going on with her, and spend time with her. Teens know instinctively if an adult values and respects them, and it goes a LOOOONG way!

Second, and to balance out what I've just said, you need to insist that she return that respect. That's where the above becomes invaluable, because you can point out when and how you've tried to respect HER. There are certain things that you should probably ignore, like if she turns up her nose at the food you've cooked or pouts about having to go to Grandma's instead of Susie's house (i.e. choose your battles very carefully)! But when she does not speak to you respectfully, call her on it and walk away from the conversation until she is ready to do so. Insist that she respect the family rules (make those rules few and reasonable) and that she pitch in to do her share. Be clear and consistent with discipline and FOLLOW THROUGH ~ she NEEDS you to be predictable! If she is hurtful or destructive to ANYONE, you should demand that she make appropriate amends. Finally, watch carefully for signs of disrespecting herself (alcohol, drugs, sex, etc) and be ready to intervene.

I've had many, many "lows" as a parent, but one of the highs (this WILL make sense when you get to the end!) was when I found out my 15-year-old daughter had been going out to the high school parking lot to try smoking pot with a "friend." I confronted her very calmly, simply looking her in the eye and saying, "Is this really who you are?" She broke down and spilled a lot of stuff that had been going on with her, and it was one of the best conversations we ever had. She hasn't done it again since (that I'm aware of) and pretty much from that point on her grades and attitude gradually improved, and she is now a successful college student.

Okay, I'll shut up now! Best of luck!

I am not where you are but I was your daughter! My parents never got control but I turned out alright anyway. My suggestions are; pick your family rules and the most natural concequences possible and have them posted.
If you are angery with her send her to her room until you can talk to her the way you want her to talk to you.
When ever it is safe give the instruction and when she dosn't listen let the natural world concequences happen.
Remember the disipline that worked when she was little and use a variation of it.

For the rest of the story. I don't know if my parents gave up or just stared bewildered at me for 9-15 but they never resumed order. I moved out at 15. Pregnant at 17. Had a good job and bought my house at 21. All is not lost and stubborn willful people don't get pushed into things they don't want to do!

Oh, sister friend....mine just turned 14. I feel your pain.

I'm not sure that I have any advice, 'cause I'm still pretty much making it up as I go along. But it occurred to me that there were a whole lot of similarities between toddlers and tweens. So much is going on inside their heads and bodies...the difference is that tweens are way more verbal ("whatev, mom").

It's true that you can't tell a tween anything but you're still the parent. (Congratulations! You're still in charge!). There have to be ground rules about respect and when she violates them, she loses a priviledge (TV, computer, iPod, phone time...whatever means the most to her...you know, so it hurts a little). Otherwise, the thing that works best for me is trying (really, really trying) to remain calm when she wants to escalate things. There is a direct correlation between the softness of my voice to the dial-up of her crazy. If I yell, she's over the top. If I'm not yelling, she starts feeling weird standing there screaming at a calm person.

And you need time together. Oh, I know, she sometimes acts like she'd rather be dead then seen with her mom. But she needs you now more than ever. Rocky shoals lie ahead and you need to be there as she navigates. Of course, you can't tell her that. But you can make time with her, not with an agenda, not with a "today we're going to take about bad decisions and Jamie Lynn Spears"...just time, mom and her, out for coffee or poking through shops or taking in a movie. I sometimes think that part of the puberty years are that parents back off because a) the kids seem to want us to and b) it is their job to grow up. But they still need time with us, hugs from us and the ocassional, "Dang, I am so proud of the way you are growing up".

Good luck, my dear!

I have been there and understand. You hope that soon they grow out of it, but I have found you just need to work on it with them. Mine is 16 now and we have worked it out between us. The trick for us was communication. We follow the positive sandwich. We tell her something that we find fantastic about her, metion something she could work on, the something that is fantastic. She goes away with the feeling that she is worthwhile and capable, and in the back of her mind is the thing she could work on. We also took the approch of reward system. For every positive thing she does, she gets 2 reward points, for every negitave she gives 1 back. She then at the end of the week use the reward points towards what she wants.

My husband and I had 5 children all in this age group at the same time. One thing I remember most, just because everone else's mother lets them do it, if you don't want your daughter doing it, don't be afraid to say no, and stick to your guns, and let them know that you are doing it to protect them, and they may not understand now, but will someday. It worked with all 5 of our mixed marriage children. They are now all grown up, the youngest is 21, and they are very happy that we did what we did and grateful that we did not allow them to be a generation of "you owe it to me." They all work hard and either have good jobs or are going to school. Now I have 4 beautiful grandkids and am looking forward to watching them grow up.

Hi E.- I am a mom of a 1.5 year-old, so no experience, yet of this stage of development. As a teacher, Love and Logic is AWESOME!!! There is "Parenting with Love and Logic." It is about teaching responsibility AND feeling good about how you work with your kids. You offer choices, which empowers your kid. You set limits and get creative with your solutions. It transformed my teaching and REALLY works. Once you get the hang of it, you almost want your kid(s) to cross the line so you can turn it into a learning situation. Look on the Internet. They offer seminars as well. Good luck. A.

I see you have decided to join the disrespectful entitled 11 year old club:) I haven't found a cure for my fiesty attitude ridden 11year old. I do know that things have perked up since I have made him look up the word entitled in the dictionary and explained to him that I don't have to provide for him half the stuff that i do provide for him. I think that we just need to weather the storm and hope for the best! GOOD LUCK!!

The best book I have read so far ( I am a mother of two with a daughter your daughter's age going throught the same thing)is How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk. I can't remember who the autho's are but they write a lot of wonderful books that I have also read regarding this and similar issues. It is right on the tip my tongue.....ailene Mazlish maybe... something like that.