11 Year Old daughter...DID WHAT I TOLD HER NOT to DO

"going behind my back?"
You told her not to worry about it.
But then you say, "she deliberately did exactly what I said not to do."
what?
I don't get why it's a big deal, she sounds like she was being responsible and helpful, all you told her was not to worry about it.
She is an 11 year old girl!
You sound defensive (?) and I am wondering why :(

I think you may be overreacting in this situation. You look at it as she defied you (which in a way she did) I look at it as she wanted to be the one to invite Grandma, and she should have been the one to invite Grandma not you. It is her event at her school and I think she just wanted to be more involved. I am all about children behaving and doing what they are told, but I think in this situation she felt left out and didn't see any harm in doing what she was doing. I think had you allowed her to phone Grandma and invite her or let her do it in person this situation never would have happened. Maybe next time include her in things that involve her and she will not feel left out.

Wow you are over the top. If you dont let go of YOUR control issues you are gonna have way bigger problems than a FORM. Good luck to your 11 yr old

So I really have to say I was waiting for the horrible thing your daughter had done but by the end of your letter, I have to say that I can understand your frustration if you are constantly finding there is a miscommunication problem (which could be all it is as Jo pointed out in her answer~it doesn't sound as if you are clear when you sound so adamant about what she did wrong) but want to advise two things... first choose your battles because it sounds like you two may have some bigger ones ahead (my mom would say: "Do you really want to die on this hill?" YOU have to decide) and two, don't let your daughter think that you think she is a problem. You can let her know that you are upset that she did not follow your instructions and then you might have consequences the next time already assigned to those kind of occurences but do not make it sound like you feel that SHE is the problem, it is her behaviour.
I have heard of many parents labeling a kid as a liar etc.. for them only to become one.
My daughter now 23, is my best friend and I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am that I didn't make her feel bad about the times I felt she had done something wrong. The one thing she constantly would do was correct me or my facts when I was telling a story... it would drive me bananas and I remember feeling the same way you did... it would make me look like a liar in front of the person and I remember telling her in no uncertain terms to not do it again.
Finally I took the emotion out of it. NO matter how angry I would be. I would get in the car and say "You know when I was telling that cashier lady about a story about your school and I said you were nine and you said NO YOU WERE'NT, YOU WERE SIX? Well, that's not okay. Please tell me later that you think I was wrong about the age but not in front of someone because the next time you do that, I will take away your next sleep over at Kylee's or whatever the activity is that would make an impact. She finally understood because one time she waited till we were in the car and corrected me and she was actually right and I made a big deal and thanked her for waiting till we were in the car and took her out for Frozen yogurt and from then on she made it a point to always remember to correct me in private. And I have to say that I had been very frustrated just like you sound but we turned it into a positve reinforcement type of thing and didn't ruin her spirit or make her feel BAD but reinforced her efforts with positive kudos when she followed my directions and did it the way I asked.
It is waaaay more important to correct with positive correction than negative when the infractions are more of misdemeanor proportion or you may someday have felony sized problems by making her into a criminial for maybe just being an excited kid that got stuck in a miscommunication problem.
Hope that helps....

I think you are being too overly controlling and she is rebelling. It sounds to me like you and hubby should chill out. You can have rules but maybe you have too many. Hubby sent her to her room till she could answer you guys and apologize? Give the kid a break - I get it - she's 11 and she wants to have some decision making powers. Pick your battles. Maybe there should be a few things you're very strict about and maybe you can let her be in charge of some things. Sorry but I am on your daughter's side on this one...

I thought she did something awful. Then I read it is a permission slip.

I don't know what the other times are but it seems like she was afraid you would let the ball drop so she took care of it. Like I said I don't know what the other stories are but just on this one I don't see she did anything wrong.

You said don't bother her with it so maybe she just asked do you mind and your mother in law was like no problem sweetie so she really didn't bother her, ya know

from what you wrote and what happened it sounds like it is time to let go of some control and let her learn from her own consequences . So what if she wears flip flops. If she wears them and she is uncomfortable or gets soaked then she will learn from the life experience that it wasn't a wise decision. Even if you can handle the form for school, most schools WANT the kids to show responsibility and handle the forms, she can fill out the info, and then have someone sign it. I know it may be annoying that she didn't listen but really this is the age that you need to let go a little and realize her following every direction and order is just silly.
Really I would want to raise a girl who can think for herself, make good decision etc, not one who will simply follow orders and never question anything in life.

I'm sure we are not in the thick of it, and don't know most of what is going on but just my thoughts based on your two examples.

If you are "on fire" about flip flops and a form, I suggest you fasten your seat belt because the years ahead will be a bumpy ride.

Sounds to me like your child was excited about having the grandparents come to school....the form was the most important thing to her and your dinner guests and house cleaning was the most important thing to you.

As far as the flip flop incident....as another mama mentioned, this is a pick your battle situation. You and dad expect an apology, she might want an apology as well.

Blessings....

In the scheme of things, it doesn't sound like that big a deal to me.

PIck your battles M..
And if you have "handled" things but they never got done she may have been afraid this would be "handled" that way too. Especially with birthdays and parties, etc.
She was excited to have Grandma come to her school.
Try communicating with her instead of demanding she be seen and not heard.
Let her know when things directly concern her what you are doing to "handle" it. She is old enough.
Also why not let her take care of some things by herself? THat is a step towards independence, something you want to foster.
You have a long road ahead if you demand complete obedience. So she wears flipflops, say Your feet will get cold and leave it.
She goes out without a raincoat, say You'll get wet, then do not rescue her.
Let her suffer the natural consequences of her behaviors.

If you continue to order her around are you going to be surprised when she's an adult and can't make any decisions for herself? Kids do stuff like that all the time.

I am a little confused about the form, but it sounds to me like your daughter was excited and wanted to actually help you.

I am sure this was some sort of last straw for you, but it really does not sound like a big deal to me.

I just would have reminded our daughter there was a reason I wanted to deal with the form later, so to please not do that again.

These are individually small situations as some have noted. And you do need to pick battles. But as Rebecca said, things like these start to add up to the bigger picture: She doesn't listen. That is typical of the age -- to say they're listening, to look right AT you and acknowlege what you said, and then to do what was in their heads.

I disagree with Rebecca, though, on deliveriing a whopping week-long grounding over form plus flip-flops. Those are in the past now and you can't wait too long to hand out a discipline after something occurs.

I would set aside a time when she is calm, does not have homework looming, is not about to go out the door to an event or an activity, etc. Then you and your husband sit down with her, no distractions and any other kids elsewhere. Tell her that these are indeed small things individually but in total they add up to: She is hearing you without listening to you. She isn't trusting you to do what you say you will (she saw the form was on the fridge and assumed you had forgotten it or would forget it). It makes you feel disrespected and not trusted. Be sure to use the classic expression, "When you do X, I feel like Y" rather than "You always do X and it's wrong" etc.

Then talk about consequences. Natural ones like cold feet are fine but let her know that if she has gym that day and gets in trouble for wearing flip-flops and has to sit out, it affects her grades. You could tell her that whenever you tell her somethign you are going to have her repeat it back to you, while looking right at you, so it's clear to both her and you that what you have said has been registered with her. And if she does that process and still does not do what she has been clearly told and repeated back, then there is a consequence. Let her know now what the consequences will be iin the future so she can never say, "But I didn't know you'd....if I..."

But DO choose what you consider a real problem. The ones you cite are pretty small and not cause for hard time, I think. It's the adding up of not listening to you that both hurts you and makes things run less smoothly. Emphasize to her that this is about her being mature enough to help the whole household run smoothly from now on by being a listening member of it.

While I personally don't think this particular instance is a huge deal, ANY erosion of trust is a slippery slope. When you prove you are trustworthy, you are investing in your integrity. When you violate that trust, it erodes it and definitely gives people pause when it comes to trusting you with greater things.

I work with tweens and I have found them to be capable of great empathy and understanding when things are explained honestly (granted, they are also willful and intent on testing also) so I would take that approach. To your credit, I think you DID explain your reasoning here, but now it's time for a sit down. She's not making the connection between this and the greater issue which is trust. Carry this out to explain that she is coming of age and that can mean greater privilege and responsibility IF she's mature enough to handle it. Tell her that while she may not always understand or agree with you, being disobedient renders her untrustworthy. People I don't trust don't get to drive my car. People I don't trust don't get to be home by themselves....and so on.

Whenever possible, try to remember that her world is still pretty small. Kids get fixated on the one thing they're thinking of and can be pretty oblivious to the rest. Oblige her in the little things when you can. It'll throw her a bone here and there and perhaps motivate her to be more cooperative when she gets the occasional "no".

These are fun times....good luck, mama!

She disobeyed you and you should treat it as such. Even if she meant well and was trying to "help" she still didn't follow directions and deliberately disobeyed. It needs to be nipped. You need to have control and to be able to trust her. I hope that helps. Good luck!

I get where your frustration is coming from. Plus her not giving you an answer ( even if its I don't know or I was excited and wanted to ask her... not the answers you want to hear since you told her not to... but its an answer) OR saying she was sorry is disrespectful. She needs to learn that both of those aren't exceptable.

Is THIS instance a huge deal... no, but when you add up all the "little" things it does become a huge deal! So since she didn't listen to you no matter how big or little this is, she should still get a day or two of grounding... throw in the shoe incident and make it a week. Plus with the time in her room with no fun stuff she will have plenty of time to write an apology letter to you and why she thinks its important to follow the rules. Even if its a paragraph. If you keep letting the little things slide one of these times its going to be something huge and there will be nothing you can do about it.

Good luck!! going through the same things with my 11 & 12 yr olds... thankfully my 15 yr old already broke us in a few years ago! lol

Unfortunately, this is typical of the age...
You just need to keep reinforcing and reminding. Next time you ask her to let you handle something, remind her over and over that you are handling it. When she goes to do something you asked her not to, you need to catch her almost before she does it. You know what sets her off -- just catch her and remind her that you are a responsible adult and you will handle it.

As for the flip flops -- natural consequences... if her feet get cold and wet and she doesn't like it, she'll not do that again. Let it go!

Start letting her make some decisions for herself -- if it's shoes or a coat, do it. Or you might try compromise... Let the shoes go because there are far tougher issues up the road that you're going to have to fight. Choose your battles wisely.
LBC

My daughter is 11. She makes decisions on her own all the time and in doing so, she has to deal with the consequences. For example, she got a new hoodie jacket and wanted to wear it to school...we live in AZ, its 100 here today and a few weeks ago when this happened, it was 113 out. Anyway, she insisted on wearing her new jacket to school. I could have fought with her but instead I let her, no big deal. When she got home, her jacket was in her backpack. I asked her why she wasn't wearing it, she said, you're right mom, it was way too hot but I was so excited to wear it. Ok, lesson learned. She was hot and had to drag her jacket around all day. She hasn't taken it back since. Next time, let her wear her flip flops when its 47 and raining, she'll learn on her own that she won't do it again.

This whole situation with your daughter seems to be a very big issue when it really shouldn't be. And I'm sure you are right when you say its just one sample of many things that happen. I think if it were me, I would have just told her that we had already talked about it and she should have done what I asked and left it alone. Then tell her NEXT time she does something like that, there will be a consequence and tell her what it will be. Pick your battles, some are not worth all the stress, for either you or the kid. Good luck.

We know we need to make sure the car has everything we need so that we can just turn the key and everything works. If we did not know that we have to keep gas in the tank, the breaks padded, the tires replaced in time, then we would be frustrated when the car won't start or the breaks won't work or the tires go flat. Children are the same way. We can't just expect to turn their key and steer them wherever we want them to go.

I do feel it is important to build trust, respect, and understanding. You might try sitting down with your daughter at a time when you are not frustrated or in conflict with her and tell her that it is perfectly normal for an 11 year old to feel they need to start thinking for themselves. The first 10 years of life kids are relatively comfortable being told what to do. The next 10 years are a time to practice making their own decisions. But, just like when it was time for her to learn to walk and it was natural for her to want to hold onto your finger as she took her first steps, it is also natural and important for parents to help support, guide, and protect their children during the years that they experiment with making choices. Then you might tell her that this will require that both of you learn how to communicate and to work with each other effectively. And you can suggest that the two of you might want to pay close attention to making sure that you are honoring each other with respect, patience, and understanding so that you can build and protect the trust that is needed to make this relationship work for her.

But, after TELLING her all of this it is very important to ASK her what she thinks about it. And, if you are going to ask, be prepared to LISTEN patiently and with the intention to understand and to respond with compassion. It isn't easy being 11. She may have pent up feelings that need to be heard. She may feel that the way you have been director her has felt disrespectful to her. Perhaps that is why she is not showing respect. If she does have this sort of emotional release, you can respond by saying something like, "I had a feeling you might have been feeling that way. That is why I thought it was time we had this little talk. I really would like us to make sure we are showing each other respect. I would really like both of us to look back on our time together with love and gratitude. It is up to us to make that happen."

We, as parents, have to set the foundation for communication, for respect and understanding. Once you set up this foundation, you might want to then consider developing the habit of asking your daughter more questions whenever you are making a request or setting up an expectation of her. For example, when she asked about the form and you told her you had it under control and you did not want her to bother her grandparents with it, you could have added a question such as, "So, are you comfortable with that?" or "Are we in agreement about that?" or "Are we clear on this?"

So often we say something and just assume that the other person understands or should be responsible to tell us if they do not agree. If you ask the child what their feeling or understanding is and they verbalize acceptance or agreement, they are far more likely to follow through accordingly. But, if they do not get to verbalize acceptance, they do not actually feel they have made a commitment. At the age of 11, children experience more independent feelings and thoughts. They do not automatically know how to manage them. They need to be guided as they go through this process of individuation.

I work with a good deal of children and parents. Two things I recommend most often is the book I found most helpful raising my son, The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda K. Popov, and a program that I have seen help so many families called Beyond Consequences, which you can access from Heather Forbes books, DVDs, seminars, and a fantastic online live class which she teaches. You can also find helpful CDs by Linda Popov and her husband, Dr. Dan Popov, at www.VirtuesProject.com.

Hope this is helpful!

While I agree with the other mothers that this does not seem to be that big of a deal, I can understand your frustration because of her previous behavior. I would be more upset over the shoes than the paper. It sounds like this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I would have a talk with your daughter about the numerous occasions that this has happened and maybe it will seem like more of a big deal to her. Your daughter seems like a typical pre-teen/early teen in thinking about herself more than others.

To me, you sound like a mom who is frustrated because you have a daughter, who is entering the pre-teen world and is testing boundaries.

I have a son who is 10 and we have been going through a lot of the same things. I empathize with you!

For other reasons, personal, we have had our son going to a therapist for several years now and, as he has entered this phase, we have been able to receive some really great guidance from him. And, I can assure you, there have been many times that I have gone to him practically pulling my hair out.

1. This is the age where they want the positives of being more grown up, but do not want the responsibilities that come with it.
2. They are figuring out where and how to push the boundaries. To see what will happen when they do 'x' or 'y'. To try and exert independence and, in some instances, it is misguided.

The biggest thing that we have learned is consistency. It doesn't matter how big or small the issue is, always be consistent. If your daughter is told to do something and chooses not to, she has made a choice and in making that choice she has also chosen a consequence. She is old enough to understand this and discussing this with her is an excellent way for her to not only know the full process, but feel "empowered" by making her own decisions. With every decision comes a consequence and it is up to her whether the consequence is something that will agree with her or not. It is up to you to be consistent, every single time.

Another big thing is this; "acknowledge the feelings, address the actions" This is HUGELY helpful. Everyone has feelings and everyone needs to have those validated. Sometimes those feelings, however, can lead us to do things that aren't right, if we don't think about it beforehand.

For instance: my son was upset about having to wear a belt. He lashed out and threw a fit. So, I sat down with him; why was he so upset about wearing a belt? - I found out, because he had been made fun of. I acknowledged that feeling, that it was hard and not fair and not right. HOWEVER, the action (the fit) was not the right way to express it. Or when he gets frustrated at his little sister. Little siblings can be SO frustrating, acknowledge the feeling, however, it is not ok to yell at her - how can he react better to the frustration?

Consistency, acknowledge the feelings and address the reaction. Take the emotions out of the equation. At a time, entering puberty, that emotions are ALL out of whack, they need for us to be the solid ones. There have been plenty of times that I have needed to put myself in a "time out" to gather myself, so that I can address things appropriately.

Hang in there!! It is good that you are so concerned about your daughter - you are obviously in tune to her :o)

It sounds to me like maybe she just wants to be a little bit more independent than you are allowing.