10 Yr Old Girl Picking up After Herself

My son is leaving all his stuff around too and I don't like it either. But there is only so much nagging I can do.

I don't like the throwing away idea, because if if throw out the one pair of sneakers he has, do you end up buying new ones, since he needs them for the gym? I also don't think it instills a good value system, if you just throw out stuff.
I have been hiding things on occasion, but that seems so silly in the long run.
As for adding chores, which seems like a sensible punishment, I wonder how you get a child to clean the bathroom, if he/she doesn't even do other basic things?
I like the idea of "everybody cleans up together" and have in the past set the timer for my son to clean up his room ("spend 15 minutes cleaning up"). Often I think he is just overwhelmed with everything that the job looks just way too big - and probably is!
I hate the "in a minute" and won't let him get away with it anymore. When I hear that, I only respond "now", and he does it.
But what bothers me most is that I have to micromanage him, and I wish there was a quick fix to that. But I guess part of this is his personality and part is me.

It's called a trash bag. :)
Tell her the "new" rules.... That from now on, you are not going to allow her to leaves messes all over. That you will remind her to pick up and put away her things, and that if she does not in a reasonable amount of time (to be determined by Mom) then Mom will handle it. You might let her know that "Mom handling it" means that she may not get the privilege of owning those items anymore because they may end up at Goodwill, for someone who will care about having them. Then comes the hard part... follow through!

The very first day you give her this "new rule"... tell her to pick up and put away all her things from the family room (or whatever room you decide.. pick one room for this first run through). Then say nothing else. Let her go to bed. After she is asleep, get a big lawn trash bag and put her shoes/socks/books/toys/paper clippings/hairbrush/school papers,etc that she left everywhere into the bag. Put the bag into a closet where she won't see it. Say nothing.
When she is looking for her shoes the next morning... either a) say nothing or b)tell her you cleaned them up for her and they are gone. She needs to choose something else to wear on her feet.
Do this all week. At the end of the week, on Saturday afternoon maybe, get the bag and take it to her. Tell her she has 'today' to put the items away properly. If they are not put away properly, they are going to Goodwill/Salvation Army/trash on Sunday. The end. Then... what she doesn't care about (doesn't put away) do get rid of it.

It won't take very long before a) she starts listening when you say something about putting her things away; b) she begins (on her own?) to start putting things away without directions from you; c) she has a lot fewer things to scatter around the house; or d) all of the above in some combination. :)

Good luck. I have one of these kids too...

hth

First, let her be messy in her room, but don't clean up after her. Let her room be HER domain. The rest of the house use a little "Love and Logic." Instead of asking her to do it right then give her two choices. For example, "I need you to pick up your things in the den. Can you do it now, or do you want to do it as soon as that show you are watching is over?" Of course she will say when the show is over, but she will probably forget. So you go in, pick up all her stuff and either throw it away or storing it is a great idea.. Whatever you are most comfortable with. When she goes looking for those items tell her........"Oh, remember when you said you would pick it up after your show, well when you didn't I took care of it so don't worry about it." She'll ask where they are. You tell her you threw them away because that was easier for you.......if you did. Or you stored them because it was easier for you. Be sympathetic but don't get in an argument. Just be understanding. If you stored things be sure you put it in an inconvenient place or the attic and let her worry about getting it back. After a few times of this.......this is what will happen.

"Honey, did you want to pick up your things now or in 15 minutes?" If she doesn't answer or do it when asked, or looks disgusted, then you very sweetly say. Oh, don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. She will quickly learn she doesn't want YOU to take care of it.

Hi Sherri,
This is a tough one. I have a 14 year old daughter who is also messy. I can be on her alot about picking up stuff. Sometimes, she does pick up and other times she doesn't. I am a "clean" person, so it gets on my nerves. However, I have to remind myself to pick and choose my battles. I don't want to constantly be "on her" about this all the time at the risk of our mother/daughter relationship. Sometimes, I just pick up the stuff myself. Sometimes, she will do it. Good luck with this. You aren't alone.

I won't give you any tips 'cause I'm sure you'll be inundated with ideas, but I will advise you to get on to this as soon as you can as it doesn't just magically go away when they're older. I have a 17 year old whose bedroom looks like a tornado blew through. Granted she's doing homework 24/7 so I try not to jump all over her, but I know I'm not doing her any favors really.

Ask her to do something, like pick up her shoes. Give her a time limit, enough time to get the job done but not so much time that she has time to "forget". Make sure she understands what the time limit is and then let her know that if when time is up the shoes aren't picked up you are throwing them away. Set a timer. When the timer goes off you either praise her or throw the shoes in the trash.

We started doing this with our daughter (of course the item is made to look as if it were thrown away, we do put it in a trash bag, sometimes even put it in the garbage can...retrieve it later if it is something you want to keep). It is amazing how much motivation can be found if they are risking something being thrown away. Be warned, don't let her call your bluff...follow through with throwing it away.

Hi S., My 10 year old daughter is the same way, mostly with clothes. Her room is a total mess, but I refuse to pick it up for her. My rule is that I do family laundry once a week, every Friday morning. I will wash any of her clothes that are in her laundry basket, fold them, and return them clean and folded in the basket. She then has to organize and put away the clean clothes in her wardrobe. I no longer not touch her dirty clothes left on the floor, search for dirty clothes stuffed under her futon couch, under her bed blankets, balled up under desk, left in her messanger bag, etc. I just started this recently, because I was tired of picking up after her, being blamed for missing clothes, being called on to help find things, tantrums, etc. Yes, she's in a bit of slob phase (I'm trying to accept this is pretty normal for kids her age), BUT. . . she's learning to take responsibility for her own things, and what happens if you change clothes 3 times a day, and never get them in the wash. If she runs out of clothes or needs something washed mid-week, I will walk her through doing it all herself. She does love clothes, and I'm sure it won't be long before she wants something new. However, I'm waiting to see her take a little better care of what she has first. Also, the natural consequence of her room being so messy, besides having a lot of her things get lost, is that she does not have a comfortable place to relax or entertain friends.

If she makes a mess in another part of the house (art project, toys or games left out, etc) she has to pick it up before she moves on to the next thing she wants to do, going outside, watching tv, playing Wii, having a snack, etc. If it's not really a huge mess, but just shoes, socks, or small personal items left laying around, sometimes, I just move them onto one of the piles in her room and add them to her own mess if it bothers me seeing them in the family room. If they are important enough to her, she will have to learn to keep them in a certain place.

There needs to be a place and a system for all the stuff.
--In a minute: If they are watching a dvd when I talk to them and they don't act when directed, the show is turned off and removed from the player, and it doesn't come back on. Same with any other activity. When they have proven they really have the memory, maturity and, responsibility to "do it later" , okay, but as long as I have DOUBT, they must do it on the spot.
--Old school papers: What I do now is to open the weekly envelope/folder and go through the stack (sometimes saving a special item to hang up, and signing permission slips) and the rest is dropped immediately in the recycle can.
--Shoes: we have a place by the door, and our kids have only one pair. If it is not by the door they have to look everywhere for it, so they usually put it away.
--Crafts: it depends where the craft area is. For us it is the dinner table, so they literally can't eat until the mess is removed--nowhere to put the plate!
--Rooms: I insist on a clear path from the door to the closet at all times so that the laundry can be put away easily, and any time I go in and can't walk through, they must clean the room *immediately*. A few years ago, I stepped on something hidden on my son's floor (a toy under a t-shirt?), and I FELL, hitting the door frame and getting hurt. Big bruises. So I have a zero tolerance policy on this!

I have also found that the more stuff the kids have, the more mess there is. This is a problem b/c grandma likes to buy lots of gifts, and the kids don't like to give anything up. But I periodically just take a bag in their rooms and remove anything I haven't SEEN them play with in a long while, and honestly they don't usually miss any of the stuff! I keep it around for a couple of weeks to see if they are asking/looking for any missing item, and then it goes to Goodwill. Sometimes they are actually happier, because they have more space!
I am not a fan of the "child's bedroom is THEIR space and they can mess it up" philosophy. I had a close friend growing up whose parents let her destroy her room, thinking it helped her creativity. I couldn't go in her room or even LOOK in it because she was so embarrassed. Closed door. She would squeeze in and out!
But I could tell that there was stuff piled up like a hoarder's house. After years, when they moved to a bigger house, I was finally allowed to see the remains of the room. Wallpaper torn off, paint, glue globs, and glitter spilled in the carpet...scary.
She had never been taught that she needed to clean up after herself until she was a teenager, when they moved. (And she didn't turn out to be an artist.)

"In a minute?!?!?!" This is easy. Youre response is "No. NOW!!!!!" and turn off the television, ipod, video game until she gets up and does it. Stand over her and make sure she doesn't so much as use the restroom until she completes EXACTLY what she was asked to do. If she can't be trusted to make good on her promise of "in a minute" then explain to her she will need to be supervised like a small child (your standing over her and not allowing her to do anything else) until she completes the tasks. You have taught her how to actively ignore you by accepting a verbal "yes" from her putting up with her lack of compliance. You are in charge- enforce your rules!

I had to laugh when I read this because I have a 10 year old daughter and when I ask her to do something she always says..."one minute"....drives me crazy. After a while I just let her know that saying "one minute" to me is completely disrespectful and I won't tolerate her saying that. We still struggle with her cleaning up after herself.

Punishment. If there are no consequences why should she. But of course this will be a never ending battle. My 9yr old son is the same way! But he's not allowed to do anything other than homework if he has things left all over the house till it is all picked up. No tv, no outside play, not even a snack. He also has a chore chart where 2 days a week his room needs to be cleaned (there are a lot more chores on the list). Ok in a minute should not be allowed unless she is in the restroom. The stuff should never had been left there so if it seems inconvienent for them to stop doing whatever it is they are doing them maybe they will start cleaning up after themselves. The biggest thing I'm tring to teach my son right now is to finish what you start, which includes cleaning up when you are done. Not an easy lesson! LOL!

If it is their bedroom I consider it their space and if they want to live like a pig and as long as no food/drink is taken into the room or a smaller sibling or pet doesn't get lost I let them live like they want in that one room until they can't stand it any longer. I can outlast them and generally when they can't find a cherished item, their friends refuse to spend the night or they run out of clean clothing they get the idea. If they don't pick their stuff up out the the rest I just open the door and throw it in if they need it or I will put it in the yard sale/resale/donation box and they can whine and argue with me until the cows come home but it is now mine and not returnable. I did this with my daughters who are now 24 and 29 and it worked with them. We are now using this with our 3 year old son and he has picked it up a lot faster than his sisters and picks his stuff up and puts it up he even likes to help me to the laundry.

You've got the right idea, but you have to have a plan in place so she knows what'll happen every time she doesn't do as asked. You need to make rules, and punishment for not following them (also privileges earned for following them.) Make her a part of the process so she agrees with the system. It's basically a sticker chart for big kids, but we used this system for teenagers, and it worked great. No more arguing or yelling or reminding. It says on the chart what she is to do, what happens if she does it, and what happens if she doesn't. One last thought to share---We learned from family therapy that you don't take things away as punishment. You can't win that one because you'll run out of things with a stubborn child. Instead, you ADD things. For instance, if she doesn't do something, she has to pick up dog poop(my personal favorite) or clean toilets or some other job that you hate. (She agrees to all this before you start.) You get help with chores you hate if she goofs up, and if she doesn't, you get to be very proud of her (and pick up the poop yourself). Good luck.

As someone who's instincts are to be neat and organized, I have no tolerance for things being left around the house and not put back in their places.

Our house isn't perfect (I tend to hold onto sentimental things), but shoes are always put away, coats hung, toys cleaned-up.

Our kids are much younger (almost 4 and recently 2), but they don't get to do anything else until they've put away what we ask of them. We struggled getting out of the house yesterday because they'd been playing in our son's room, and neither of them wanted to put the toys away. So, we asked if they wanted to go to the park (as we'd discussed earlier in the morning). Both said, "Yes", so we told them that unless they helped, they were losing that treat.

At 9/10 years-old, they know better even if it's their instinct.

I think it's fair to let them have a little give in their own bedrooms, but not in common areas where the family spends time together.

I'd personally start laying down the law of the house and taking privileges away when they aren't doing what's being asked of them.

On the surface, it sounds like a respect issue - not respecting you as a mother/authority figure, and not respecting the family as a whole. When we prefer things a certain way, sometimes it's easier for us to do it than to be miserable with things out of place.

Good luck!

S., I hear you. And it's simple. Set systems in your home and there will be no more "in a minute". I recommned:

PICTURE PERFECT - best way to stay organized. Now you have to start from a clean space, so take the time to clean an area to your satisfaction. Then TAKE A PICTURE. Post it somewhere you will see it and every time you walk through that space you will see the picture and if something is out of order, you will know immediately and it will take you a quick minute to put it back in place. **This is GREAT for kids rooms, family areas and kitchen cupboards.

10 Minute Tidy
EVERYONE in the house picks a room in the house, they can pick different rooms or all work together. Put on some fun music, set the kitchen timer and GO! But only for 10 minutes. Then STOP!

SAY IT ONCE You have trained her that your word means little. So you must take a stand and change that. Say it once and MEAN IT. If you say get your shoes on, if she doesn't, she doesn't get shoes (no that doesn't mean you are a bad mom). If you say come down for dinner, and she doesn't, take away dinner. If you say clean up your crafts and she doesn't take away the supplies. AND DON'T give them back.

S., you create the child you want with the behaviour you want. You are the parent.

B.
Family Success Coach