10 Yr. Old Boy

His behavior sounds like ODD. Kids with behavioral problems like this can thrive in school, so the school will think nothing of it. They are not qualified to make a diagnosis... only go on what they observe. Sometime kids are perfect angels in school and unleash when they get home. Rules are different at school verses home in most cases.

Try discussing these concerns with his Doctor first and see what is recommended. Sometimes Family Doctors will not do anything IF the school says the kids is fine...unfortunately.

A behavioral specialist would be a good start. I work for one and we have clients that need help in school and ones that only need extra help at home.

Good luck.

Hi Miranda,

I have a daughter, not a son, but I have been a fourth grade teacher for 8 years so I am familiar with the behaviors of 10 year old boys. One technique that worked wonders in the classroom could also work at home if you are willing to be persistent with it.

Have your son choose his favorite activity that he likes to do in his free time, i.e. video games. Each day, he starts with a set number of minutes that he is allowed to play his games, let's say 30 minutes. (You can set any time that you as his parents are comfortable with.) But the activity must be something that he enjoys/looks forward to.

Okay, let's say it is Monday. He starts the day with a clean slate, no matter what happened on days prior. So, he has 30 minutes of game time to look forward to later that day. Now, let's say he doesn't want to get ready for school in the morning - give him a set time he has to get ready - "You have ten minutes to get dressed, etc. and come down to breakfast." If he takes longer, let's say he took 13 minutes, then those 3 extra minutes that he wasted of your time, get taken from his game time, so now he is down to 27 minutes - no arguing/yelling, etc. He has made that decision to take longer...

Now, on the other hand, if he only took 8 minutes to get ready, then the extra two minutes he saved gets ADDED to his game time, so he now has 32 minutes of game time later.

You can use the minutes however you want, but just make sure the expectation is known ahead of time. Then he knows what is expected and any 'punishment' or loss of minutes is not a surprise, or reason for argument.

This works wonders in the classroom, and I have heard from other moms that it works at home too. It means constant supervision during "game time", so they don't take advantage, but it is worth it for the headaches it saves!! I haven't tried it at home yet - my daughter is only 21 months, but the rate she is going, I could see me using it soon!! :)

After reading some other mom comments, I wanted to add something. I do not think you need seek medical advice yet. I think he is being defiant because he knows you and your husband are going to repeat yourselves many times over. Once you cut back - ask him to do something, tell him to do something, then take the minutes, he will become a better listener. Kids are not born good listeners - they have to be taught. If you follow this routine, he will get used to it, and he will know you mean business. So many people just run to the doctor to fix things before exhausting all possible solutions. Don't give up, and make routines easy enough to stick to - be persistent and consistent!!

Good luck,
L.

I have similar problems with my 7 year old son. I think I have determined that he is sleep deprived. He has a habit of acting up at bedtime so it takes forever to get him to change and brush his teeth. And he gets up early no matter what time he goes to sleep. The other day he fell asleep on the couch at 7:15 and slept until after 7 the next morning. With 12 hours sleep he was a different person. No yelling, fighting, or anger the next day. Once he started getting less and less sleep the next couple nights due to the christmas break the anger started coming back. I think just like with younger kids, when they are sleep deprived they get cranky. He gets anger management problems. Is your son getting enough sleep? Even at 10 he should be getting 10 - 11 hours a night. My son is also a straight A student and behaves perfectly in school. When he gets home he lets loose and then as the time passes and he gets more tired then he starts getting hard to handle. Now I just need to figure out how to enforce the early bedtime without the fight. Good luck to you. And I would love any suggestions from others on getting him to bed early.

Google Oppositional Defiant Disorder to get some good parenting tips on getting back into a loving, disciplined relationship with your son NOW.
At his age you can NOT delay in getting help. He is on the brink of puberty and you need to get to him quickly. He may not be having trouble at school YET, but based on your story he will soon. We experienced this downward spiral of poor behavior, wits end parenting tactics and even our other children complaining of the effects of the one on the whole family. Some of the ideas you will find are: setting up a REWARD system for behavior modification, a discipline routine that encourages learning and growth socially as well as re-establishing the loving bond between parent and child. These kids are in trouble so much at home they begin to feel they are not loved and that leads to more bad behavior, etc. DO SOMETHING NOW! We were able to turn our own situation around in a few months. Its not "over" yet, but my son, and my whole family are all better and happier now. Where we might have had several "negative" incidents in a day, we are now down to about one every couple of weeks. And the greatest benefit to me is that he has returned to being the loving and lovable boy he was before all this started.

Hi Miranda.
At the age of 10, you will have to put in a lot of effort to change your son's behavior, but it will be worth it in the end. Just think of how much time is wasted arguing with him and dealing with his outbursts. Put the extra time and effort in upfront and you should notice a change. One caveat, his behavior will get worse before it gets better. You will have changed the rules on him, so he will NOT like the new system. But your efforts will be well worth the fact that he won't be running your house when he is a teen. There is good news. Your son behaves in school, so he is capable of behaving. You are not bad parents, you just have to use different techniques. Here goes:
1. Your son is looking for attention. He will take both positive and negative attention. Seems like he is focused on the negative attention. Try to "catch" him being good. Any time he is, lavish him with praise.
2. Do not "ask" him to do something, TELL him. Give him one direction, e.g., hang up your coat. If he doesn't respond, immediately, stop what you are doing and walk him through the steps (do not talk to him, just "help" him do it. You have to get out of the I ask, he ignores, I ask, he screams, I ask, he ignores. One command, one response.
3. Only say "no" if you mean it. If he asks for a piece of candy and you say "no" you will have to back this up. If he keeps on saying please (or cries or tantrums) and you give in, he will learn that this behavior will get him what he wants. You just taught him to nag you or have a tantrum to get what he requested. Pick your battles.
4. On that note, work on one thing at a time. Make one "absolute" rule and stick to it. E.g., if he takes something from his sister, or physically hurts someone, he is immediately removed from the situation. You pick the offense and the punishment.
5. This probably should have been connected to the first piece of advice. If he misbehaves, take away something he loves for a period of time. He needs to learn he is not entitled to electronics, toys etc. These things are priveleges. He will tell you he doesn't care, but he will. He is just trying to push your buttons. He can earn these things back when he behaves appropriately. Sad to say, but when my daughter was younger and misbehaved, she lost the privelege of reading her books for an afternoon. Reading is her #1 passtime and it killed her not to be allowed to read. You have to hit him where it hurts, and I don't mean physically.
6. Spend quality time alone with him, doing things he likes to do. Have him choose a reward for good behavior (an activity, not a "thing"). When he responds immediately to your request, let him earn the reward. He is well aware of the fact that you and your husband don't like him and that his sister is the golden girl. This is not to say that you don't love him, but he knows who gets all of the positive attention. Find ways that he can get more positive attention than negative attention.
7. And lastly, try not to yell. He isn't listening to you anyway, and is actually waiting for you to get so frustrated that you will yell at him. It doesn't work. Good luck. I'm sure you can turn things around.
8. Guess number 6 wasn't the last piece of advice. I had a friend in a similar situation. She spoke to the school psychologist who had tons of free advice.
Let me know how things go.
-L.

Hi Miranda,

First of all, hang in there! I'm wondering, is this a change in his behavior, or has it gotten worse over time? Just from your post, I get the impression that he may be anxious even more than you think he is, and the lashing out is his expression of fear more than actual anger. Especially with boys and men, fear can present as anger. At this point, with the levels of frustration that you and your husband may be feeling, all of you may be in the throes of a vicious cycle you can't even see. Finally, I think the 9-12 year old range for development is the most difficult time--the hormones are kicking in but in all ways they're still children! Here's a couple of resources...

Read "Raising Cain" or get the DVD of the documentary from the library. It will give you some insight into the development of boys--it is truly helpful. Make sure your husband watches/reads too.

Consider some family therapy. Yes, you may view your son as "the issue" but because the family operates as a system, you'll get better, faster results if you work as a team in your family. You'll all get more support this way too, and your son won't feel as much like there's something wrong with him--that will just cause more resistance.

Look up INCAF online. (International Network for Children & Families) They offer some really solid parenting coaching, training, and online resources.

As someone who has dealt with anxiety myself, I also recommend homeopathy--especially since this sounds like it's related to development in combination with personality. You can find out more at http://www.homeopathyworks.net (this is my personal homeopath's website, and she has worked with myself and my family to produce results in working with everything from colic & sleeping issues to postpartum depression and anxiety to preventing flu and healing staph infections). Another resource is http://www.bachflower.com--especially "Rescue Remedy" which is a homeopathic remedy for anxiety, worry, & upset. You can get it at pretty much any grocery store that has a health food section, Whole Foods, Wegmans, or Feel Rite. This is as much for YOU as for your son!

Keep breathing and take good care of yourself!

First of all I would strongly suggest you and your husband stop yelling and start giving consequences. It is obvious that he is bullying the entire family and is succeeding in getting your attention even if it is negative. You and your husband need to come up with a plan or seek counseling on how to handle discipline. Once you come up with a plan I would sit down with him during a calm moment and tell him that his behavior will no longer be tolerated and what the new rules are and what the punishment will be if not followed. And then follow through. For instance, just one warning and when he does not listen follow through with a consequence. Find what he loves most and take it away. Sending him to his room is not a strong enough punishment it is just temporarily getting him out of your hair. If he takes the Wii paddle away from your daughter then ban him from the Wii for a day. I wouldn't ask him to go to his room be firm and implement the punishment. He is 10 you and your husband are the adults and the authoritative figures in his life. If you do not get some type of discipline plan in order now and control over him I fear for you when he is a teenager!!! Consistency and Consequences are key to raising well behaved and respectful children. Unless there is some other undiagnosed behavioral or emotional problem I would say a change in discipline should help. In your request you said that he behaves in school, which to me means he is capable of good behavior. And that only means one thing. He knows he can get away with misbehaving at home. Your daughter has a right to live peaceful in her own home and not be abused by her brother. I am a believer in counseling if you cannot find results on your own find a good counselor and see if they can help your family work these issues through. Good luck!!

Hi Miranda,
You say that he is anxious, that he is hyper and describe behavior that is defiant. This would make me seek some therapy and some testing for him, perhaps he has some disorder like oppositional defiant disorder, although it would be unlikely that he could keep it together in school if he had a medical condition. I would say stop yelling and give an immediate consequence. Don't ask him to go to his room, demand it. Who is in control here? Is he going to his room where toys, a tv and electronic games are? As punishments, I'd take all of those things away. Grabbing controls out of his sisters hand? No Wii privileges at all. But I would really suggest a behavorial therapist or specialist if you feel that you have lost control of your child. I can tell you that he sounds nothing like my 10 year old son. Good luck

Hi Miranda,

I am in a very different boat than you are, I am divorced and raising my son alone 50 percent of the time (the other 50 percent he is with his father), and my son is only 3 -- he will be 4 in March. But there is a book I am reading that you may want to read to shed some light on the development of a boy, the types of behavior he displays, and how to deal with it.. It's called "The Single Mother's Guide to Raising Remarkable Boys" by Gina Panettieri with Philip S. Hall, Ph.D. The only reason I mention it is because there is extensive information on the biological differences in development of the brain of a boy versus a girl, which explains a lot of the behavioral issues a boy displays. The book addresses this issue at all age levels. So, even though you are not a single mom, I think all moms could benefit from the type of info I am gleaning from this book, and it is preparing me to understand and deal with my son's behavior, both good and bad.

I hope you find this helpful, and if you have already chosen how to deal with it I wish you the best of luck, I'm sure everything will turn out fine.

Sincerely,
D.

I

Miranda-
I have a 11 year old son that sounds like yours to some extent. First, my son has severe ADHD. ADHD manifests itself very differently in every child. You might want to ask the school and your pediatrician for the guideline sheet. It's a list of behaviors that you, your husband, the school all fill out and it helps discern if there might be a problem.

I also have found that warning, then follow through are great to get the behavior from my son that I'm looking for. I still occasionally can be a screaming idiot, but in reality, I know it does not fix the issue. I have found that confiscating the wii, the ipod, the tv are all wonderful motivators. I also think that most boys need a lot of physical activity. My son is made to spend time being physical every day, for at least 1-2 hours. He is much more compliant when exhausted. Bedtime is super easy. I make him shoot hoops, swim, run, batting cages, etc. Football practice was a blessing. I know it's different when you have weather to contend with, but what about having him build a snowman...good physical work, shovel the walks? He might just need some mom and dad time too. I bet being the "difficult" child means that you and your husband spend less time with him. Maybe put the behavior you want in a reward situation. "Make sure you have your laundry picked up so we can start the movie (play monopoly, go for a walk, etc) in a few minutes."
Good Luck!
S.

Hi Miranda,

I'm in the similar situation but with my 7 year old son. After talking with my sister-in-law who has old children she helped me come up with an idea that she uses in her home. They created a list of rules & the punishments that go with each rule. So if the child was asked to do something & when they didn't they already knew what their punishment was going to be. This way it cut down on the arguing & there was no grey area. It worked well for them & we are actually in our first week of using this method. So far it seems to be working because it certainly has cut down on how often we have to tell our son what he needs to do when asked. We just remind him that what was the rule that we have in our house? He would respond & then he already knows what the punishment is & he can't argue with that.
Also you can speak with the school guidance counselor & let them know what you're experiencing at home with your son & they can sit down with him & talk with him. This way they can try & get to the root of the problem. When I did this the guidance counselor has met with my son several times & his behavior seems to be getting better. I think part of it is that he doesn't want his teacher or peers to know how he is at home. He wants to come across as a great student when he is totally opposite at home.
I hope this helps. Best of luck with this issue & I hope it resolves itself for you.
M.

I haven't had personal experience with your situation, but as a Mom I can only sympathize with what you are all going through. I am a medical professional and my first thought is that he needs to have counceling. He certainly has anger issues and needs to be evaluated so that you and your husband can learn a way to handle the situations without all the yelling and frustrations. And your boy will learn how to deal with his anger in a productive way.
Sometimes we as parents are too closely involved and the help of an outsider can be of great assistance.
I agree it is not a good environment for you daughter and thankfully she is not following in his footsteps.
I commend you and your husband for sticking to your guns (so to speak) and not giving in to his bad behavior b/c it would be easier to just give up when it is so exhausting to face this head on as you both are. It also is a great example to your daughter. I feel if you weren't so diligent and your son got away with things b/c of his behavior, she would learn to act that way also to get her way. You are teaching her more than you think.

Your son obviously has something bothering him that he needs to resolve. Getting him the help now is very important. Puberty is just around the corner (if not already an issue), and hormones will be surging soon....making it even harder to control him.
I hope he is able to learn how to handle his feelings and will be a more peaceful young man. (for his sake as well as yours). Something is definitely troubling him.

Best wishes to you all.

P.

Hi - I have pretty much been through the same thing. The telling him multiple times and the snatching and being mean to his sister. My son is now 12. At 11 we were at our wits end with him. We sat him down and had some very serious conversations about his behavior and how time outs and punishmnets would be applied if it continued. After the second conversation and some time outs, etc. it finally started to sink in. He actually showed a lot more maturity in the last few months. Keep talking about the inappropriate behavior and it may eventually sink in.

Hi Miranda
Sorry you are having so much trouble with your son. Sounds like you are right he is strong willed and no controlling him has worked yet. I have/had a strong willed son and daughter. My son is married and daughter still home. OK so they are big and I lived through it. Their live at home sibling was not strong willed and that was a problem.
Recently however, I found a book called 1,2,3 Magic for Christians. It is one I wish I had when mine were younger.
Try it you might have success with it, friends have.
God bless you
K. -- SAHM married 39 years --- adult children -- 38,33, and twins 19