10-Year Old Acting like a Brat over New Bed

This is NOT typical 10 year old behavior, but it is entirely unacceptable, DISRESPECTFUL, UNAPPRECIATIVE, bratty, rude, etc...

I'd put my foot down and would not get her bed until she shaped up that attitude, sincerely apologized and cleaned up her room to spotless order- and also, when it is convenient for us. There would be no way I'd tolerate that disrespect!

no, not typical behavior! that's WAY too old to act like that... if it were me, i certainly wouldn't be getting her a bed(or anything else for that matter) until she can prove that she can appreciate and take care of what she already has, i'd make her wait at LEAST a month - no whining about it, no pity parties, no mess. this isn't about a bed, it's about her being selfish, that's something i'd look into trying to change, and VERY soon... she needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her, though it sounds like it HAS revolved around her for far too long.

No, you are not overreacting. If it were me I would tell her I have chosen not to re-do her room at this time because of her attitude. Put it off for at least a year.
Do you have an (adult) extended family member that she is close to who would be able to talk to her about this situation? Given the circumstances it may take a neutral third party to make her realize how rotten she is behaving.

Considering this child's unique life....considering she likely feels regected by her own mother, resentful of her father, unwillingly tossed into a household run by a woman dramatically different from her own mother...

And judging by the MANY many posts you've made about her unacceptable/inappropriate behavior

And CLEARLY still acting OUT her emotions, rather then verbalizing them

Perhaps it's time, instead of constantly being 'punished'

Perhaps it's time to TEACH her how to communicate how she feels, how to VERBALIZE her frustations

Time to teach her how to COPE with disappointments, instead of making her feel like she's BAD, maybe she should know it's OK to HAVE frustrations (especially considering her difficult life so far), but HERE'S how we DEAL with frustrations, here's how we communicate with each other, here's why I'm here to HELP you work through this

Even if it WERE 'typical 10 yo behavior' she is NOT a typical 10 yo girl.

Maybe if she felt it was the 3 of you against the world, instead of HER against YOU. Maybe if she felt a sense of security she would be able to safely TELL you about her frustrations, and you could KINDLY guide her.

Surely your family therapist has touched on these issues?

Her behavior clearly reflects the struggles she has encountered in her young life.

:(

**I'm sorry C., I'm sorry to be harsh. I commend and admire you for stepping up and making sacrifices to provide her a 'proper' life. But you can't behave like, well she's got a 'nice' life now, so she should behave like she's had a nice life from the getgo. She HASN'T have a nice life, she's a product of her own past, it cannot be erased. You'll have to work with what she IS, not what you wish her to BE, not what she WOULD have been if she HAD been yours. You have a difficult largely thankless task at hand. But unique circumstances require unique parenting. She will continue to (more then 'typical') try to control and manipulate her environment. Unless a change occurs, during the teen years, that desire may morph into self destructive behavior and extreme disrepect for you and her father. It seems a NEW approach is needed.

I think I would hold off on the purchase. Her behavior sounds a little spoiled.

At 10 years old she should be mature enough to understand that sometimes things don't go as planned and sure it's disappointing but that's not a reason to act the way she is acting - trashing her room and then sulking about it.

I'd be holding off on the bed purchase for quite some time. Tell her she may get it when you feel she deserves it, by not acting like a spoiled brat. I'd even be tempted to yank the bed she has now out of there and make her sleep on a mattress on the floor - and remove all the other items in the room that she was able to use to trash it in the first place - if this continues.

Given some of her behavior that you have posted about before, I wonder if some kind of counseling or psychological evaluation is in order. I'm not saying that to be mean, it just seems that many of things you have described are not typical of a 10 year old girl and she is having trouble understanding what is acceptable and expected and what is not. Maybe she should also spend some time with you volunteering at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter so she can see how other kids have it and maybe then be more appreciative for what she does have. You also need to get Dad on board too, and be a united front that she can't argue against so easily. You had mentioned her getting an attitude about the furniture being used as opposed to new - and suspected that at least part of it was coming from Dad. Sounds like Dad might need a reality check too, before you are both dealing with a teenager with discipline issues. I know she's been through a lot, so perhaps some time with a professional counselor or therapist is in order.

Life is full of disappointments. She needs to learn that. This has been an ongoing issue with this young lady. Its a bed today but before you know it she will have a temper tantrum because you didn't get her a car. I would explain to her that due to her attitude and lack of respect to the house, her new bed is on hold. Explain that all actions have positive and negative consequences.

I would also tell her that the house does not revolve around her and that this is a family. 10 is old enough to understand that concept. However, you MUST follow through. If you don't, you will create a bigger monster brat.

We had to do this with our son. He has difficulty living in gray. He is totally black and white. Now, if he had earned the bed and then because we were sick didn't get it that wouldn't be fair. We would have gotten out and crawled to the bed store. It cuts both ways. We learned that with the therapist.

Kids want discipline and rules. They need them. As the parents, its our responsibility to "civilize" them. That is what you need to do.

I think you all need family counseling. Your SD has not had any parent training from her mom and now you have her. She does not know what it is like to have discipline and consequences in her life. The world does not revolve around her (only the toilet seat) and she had better learn that fast. No one is going to bother with her as she grows up with this attitude of "entitlement'.

She purposely trashed her room because she didn't get the bed because you guys were sick. Well, now she won't get it for a year at least. Take most of her toys out of the room and sort through and give away the ones she is outgrowing. You can put the rest up for future use. Let her see and feel what it is like not to have things. Have her go to the homeless shelters and such.

Hubby and you need to be on the same playing field with her as a united front. Plan a strategy of x y z and consequences and follow through on them (even if it hurts your feelings). Don't ever let a child see your frail side when you are correcting or they will run with it to their advantage.

The teen years are coming up soon. If need be, take the door off the hinges and let her earn it back in about three months. Where are the daily chores that have to be done? She should be cleaning up her room, doing her own laundry, vacuuming the rugs and doing dishes by hand.

Where is the RESPECT in your house for each of you? You are parents not friends. Parents are meanies and they make you do things you don't want to do. If you don't do them, you have to do other things that are not nice to make up for what you didn't do. Parents can be nosey and sometimes drive you nuts but they have your best interest at heart to be a civilized member of society that can take care of theirself.

Take no prisoners and show no entitlement. Bear basics and then reintroduce items back into the mix.

Good luck and stay tough.

The other S.

Mommy B has it right.

From reading your profile, I learned nothing about you, but from reading your questions, it seems this 10 year old is an only child in your home. You and your husband seem to have acted like the world does revolve around her and so she acts like it.

NO, NO, NO, this is NOT typical behavior for a 10 year old in a home with discipline and loving parents. One of the things you can do is to tell your daughter you are going to count all the things she hasn't cleaned up in her room and then that will be the number of days she has to wait before you go bed shopping. Then do it every Friday or (pick a day). Then its up to her how long she waits to get a new bed.

If you want her to change let her know she is the child and you are the parent. You make the rules. One of the rules is be polite and respectful to your parents. She is not and has not been and this is not the first time. If you think she is bad now, don't correct her now and she will make your lives miserable as a teenager. (BTW, she is not too old for corporal punishment.)

Good luck to you and yours.

no, it's not typical and no, you're not over-reacting. i think you're reacting to the wrong things, though. a kid doesn't just up and produce this sort of behavior, and you won't 'teach' her patience or how to have a good attitude by focusing narrowly on this incident. the only way to teach long-term is to model the behaviors you expect.
and a kid behaving this way hasn't had sufficient patience and respect demonstrated to her.
this requires an overhaul of parenting philosophy, hashed out beforehand with your husband and presented to her as fact.
then live it.
khairete
S.

I would explain to her that her bad behavior will not be rewarded.
If she continues to behave in this way I would hold off on getting the bed altogether. I cant say whether this is typical of a 10 year old or not, but I do see that kids now do not have the same respect for authority as they used to.
A lot of it comes from what they see on tv and hear from their friends. Also sometimes they are just testing us. You do need to have a talk with her to figure out why she is acting out this way. Also I would suggest explaining that there are kids less fortunate that do not have the luxury of owning half the things she has. Unfortunately we as parents have a lot more to deal with in this day and age. As some of us parents struggle with the current economy there are so many gadgets that kids want and not all of us can afford them. There are cellphones, laptops, Ipads/tablets, video games and consoles....it goes on. IMO you should make her earn this bed.

Hmm. Last paragraph first: No, it isn't typical 10 yr old behavior. It's funny you posted this today, because my 10 yr old daughter just got her new bed (frame) delivered this afternoon.

She'd had a hand-me-down twin bed since she was 2 1/2 yrs old or so, and was quite content with it. Until the mattress started to feel lumpy to her a few months ago. She actually asked to sleep on her floor. So we started shopping (hubby and I). Thought I could fit a full sized bed in her room, with some rearranging of stuff, and priced out some that I thought would compliment what is already in her room. Shopped for the amount of $ we had to spend on it and found that I could find something in that range. Found a great deal on a mattress set and went ahead on got that (took 3 days for them to get it delivered), and put it on the floor. THEN made a final decision on the frame itself about a week later.
My daughter only had minimal input. I narrowed it down to what I thought was best, and asked her if she would be ok with it. (yes). It was ordered and paid for in mid-December. She saw a picture of it online... that was it.

It came today. It is pretty tall and she looks like the princess and the pea, lol. BUT, she NEVER got whiney, or bossy or rude or anything about "when is my bed coming?" She asked once or twice, but it was for information--not complaining.

Now, for the earlier parts of your post, it sounds to me like YOU are the one who really wanted to get the new bed for her. It was all your idea and she doesn't really NEED it, it just was something you wanted to do to be nice to her. Right? So she can keep her toys out and not have to put them away?
But now she is having a fit because it didn't happen RIGHT NOW. I'd wait. Just tell her that her behavior and attitude have given you time to reconsider the entire idea. You wanted to do something nice for her, but you got sick. Something out of your control. If she isn't mature enough to grasp that, and to not trash her room in anger, then it really doesn't make sense to spend unnecessary money on something expensive for her room---that she may just decide to trash in anger over something else. Sorry.
Be prepared for the screaming. She MIGHT take the apologetic tactic---but I'm not sure. It depends on how serious she is into her pouting I guess.

But, look at if from her perspective too.... did you approach her out of the blue and wind her up about shopping on Saturday and then at the last second cancelled? How big of a deal did you make it out to her to be? If you played it way up, then that is what is causing a lot of this. Pouting a little is normal, but sulking and bad attitude for more than 24 hours is a bit beyond normal for unspoiled non-bratty kiddos.

She is 10. Have you explained the mechanics of going shopping for it, making a decision, dealing with a salesclerk, placing the order and then WAITING for it to be available for delivery? She should be able to have the patience for all of those things....

I learned a long time ago not to over-play things to the kids. They can get excited enough all on their own without me stirring them up. Then if something goes wrong, it is easier to ameliorate the damage, because it wasn't treated as a big deal to start with. I try to keep things matter of fact. I prefer them that way myself for me, too. Don't tell me a movie is amazing--because then, even if it is really pretty darn good, my expectations are sky high and I will end up disappointed. Kids go through that, too.

I would definitely NOT be buying a bed or anything else for quite a while, as in months. Since her attitude is recurring, she could use several ongoing talks about being thankful, patient, and appreciative. Use examples and praise her when she displays this behavior, but don't run out an buy a bed just because she was fine for a few hours or days. She will have to prove over time the attitude is adjusted. Trust me, you do not want her to have the same attitude in a few years when she is a teenager, so nip it in the bud now.

Take it from a mom who has been in your shoes for the past 7 years...DO NOT get her the bed. Have her earn it, but most importantly, she needs to learn to be respectful. Chances are if you get her this bed with the way she is acting, she will trash the bed and you will be sorry you bought it. I 100% agree with Jacqueline C. Nip this in the bud now. If you don't, you'll end up with a disrespectful, spoiled, and demanding teen, just like I have:(. You are not doing her any favors by giving in to her demands.

Maybe you should take the bed she has away. Give her a mattress on the floor. You only have to be drastic once if she is normally a good kiddo. Then the next time you threaten she will listen. We have cleaned out my oldest sons room completely. I actually threatened to take away the mattress and give him a blanket on the floor.

She cannot earn her new bed. That teaches her that if she is good for a certain amount of time you will buy her something. Today it is a bed, in 2 years it will be $150 jeans, in 6 it will be a VW Beetle.

Can you start voluntunteering at the local shelter?
My 11 yo has gone with his sisters a few times to help serve dinners with our church. That's an eye opener.

I would also reconsider her having a desk in her room for a whie. With an attitude she is very likely to NOT do homework while in her room but to goof off. When mine starts giving me attitude, she is 16, and homework is not turned in, she is at the kitchen table and I take her computer. Plus a desk is something new that mommy and daddy will buy for her, attitude and all.

Be strong, you do not have to be her friend. She has friends. Be her parent even if you have to be ugly. She will respect you for it in the long run.

i don't think you're overreacting, or it's because you're sick (BTW, what did she do for you while you and your husband have been sick?) Handling disappointment in a mature way and being patient are skills she'll need for the rest of her life, the world doesn't revolve around her and she won't always get her way. I'd tell your daughter that since she doesn't NEED a new bed at the moment you've decided to wait until her behavior and attitude change ~ no trashing the room, no pouting, and cleaning it immediately without attitude when requested.

If my nephew who is 10 acted this way he would lose out on a lot...Tae Kwon Do classes, video games, computer time, etc., and have to earn it back with good behavior and a much better attitude. He's a good kid as I'm sure your daughter is, he's hyper at times (he has ADHD) but he's a good kid with a lot on his plate right now. His grandfather came home Sunday to begin in-home hospice, and since Dad can't be left alone, ever, we all take turns sitting with him, even my nephew in the evening (his choice.) He HAS a reason to act out right now, and he isn't, but since we're trying to keep things as normal for the kids as possible if he did he would still be in a world of trouble.

I think Jacqueline C gave you the best advice. I would just explain to her that you're holding off for awhile due to the poor behavior and that she'll have to earn the new bed. Figure out at time period and keep a daily chart. Check in with her nightly about her behavior that day and praise her if it's been good. If it's not been good, just nonchalantly say that it wasn't a good day. Don't make a big deal out of it. It's her bed, and not even one that she really needs, so put the onus on her and make it her problem if she doesn't behave.

Personally? I wouldn't buy the bed at all and I would take half her toys and box them up and put them in the attic where she doesn't know where they are.

You have given this child too much for her to be acting this way. If you go out and get the bed after this, just because she "shows" an attitude change, then all you have done is show her that she gets her way after she pretends to be sorry.

You are going to have hell with this child when she becomes a teenager if you don't SHOW her the error of her ways instead of talking her to death. No bed. Fewer toys. I really mean it, C..

Dawn

It would be nice if she could see a bit how some other people live...... in some cases, there are two families sharing a small apartment, and sleeping on air mattresses! (I know of a student in this situation...... for real! A friend of a friend saw the situation when she was delivering Thanksgiving food baskets.....and there are many others out there like that.)

I really think you need to put off the purchase for at least several months... until she can show you a good change of attitude..... of doing things when you ask.. not after several reminders, of volunteering to do things around the house or for others, and keeping her toys picked up and neat. I'm sure, as her parents, you WANT to do nice things for her...... but frankly, with that attitude, she needs to do some changing.

Can you come up with some volunteer work for her to do with you? I realize she is just 10, but there are some organizations that will allow children to volunteer with a parent. I would suggest something other than walking dogs at the animal shelter... something that involves people, preferably children.

I would hold off til her tune changes, more than momentarily. I understand that she's ticked off, but she's throwing a big girl version of a temper tantrum. You wouldn't give a screaming toddler a lollypop, so why give her the bed just because she demands it on her schedule?

I don't think this is unusual behavior for a ten -- but that doesn't mean it's acceptable. Tweens can be very, very self-centered. It's up to us as their parents to shift that to empathy and an awareness of others.

I guess i don't see this as an issue about a bed but an issue about some other attributes:
- how to communicate well: it's OK to be disappointed; it's how you express it & what you do with that feeling that counts,
- how to be understanding and supportive of others: like, if your parents are BOTH under the weather, what's your job?
- understanding delayed gratification: sometimes, you need to wait for what you want -- and then, maybe, wait some more.

I don't think what she did is OK. I do very much think that this is understandable for her age. Now, mama, you and Dad get to figure out how she can "redeem" the situation because, obviously, some sort of sincere apology and behavior change needs to occur. Remember, never threaten to do something you won't follow through on. For instance, if right now is the time you want to get her a new bed (whether it's because of family finances or now is when you have the time or whatever) don't threaten to NOT get it. Never make empty threats. If you want her to "earn" her new bed, clearly explain why you are changing the plan (her lack of empathy and understanding), what she must do to earn it (maybe keep her room clean on a daily basis and be respectful to her parents), and for how long (she needs to do those things for two weeks, then you, her dad and she will sit down and determine whether or not a new bed is in the plan). Then, stick to it.

In the conversation about whether or not she's earned it, you need to:
- be clear about your decision and why you and your husband have made it,
- outline who gets the final decision on which item to purchase (assuming she's earned it) and any factors that might go into that (for example, a budget limit). Note: in our family, we distinguish between getting to express an opinion and getting a vote. Some times, my kids get to tell us what they think but my husband and I make the decision; some times, they get to be more involved in the decision making and actually get a vote. WE are the parents & it's a benevolent dictatorship so we get to make the rules -- but we try to include them when we think we can. And we're clear each time about which kind of situation we're in (opinion vs. vote).
- express what kind of behavior you expect in the future. "Dad & I feel you've earned this because you've shown you can be respectful of your things AND be respectful of your parents. As you grow up, we try & give you chances to earn things you couldn't have when you were younger but some of it is up to you. You have to show us you deserve it & know how to handle the responsibility. But ALWAYS we expect that you will be respectful of your parents and of what it means to be part of a family."
- then, you and your husband MUST insist going forward that the diva behavior gets left behind. Tweens are self-centered. It's up to us to keep their heads out of their butts and "help" them to understand that there is one sun in our universe -- and they are not it. They may be bright & shiny, but the world does not revolve around them.

Going forward, there will be MANY more "new bed" issues (think cell phone, computer of her own, going out with friends, etc). NOW is when you set up how to handle these.

Good luck!

It's not typical behavior.
I think a 10 yr old should be able to understand than when Mom and Dad are sick things are not going to go on as planned.
All she had to do was wait, behave normally and maybe in a week or two the new bed would have been purchased.
Now she's acting like you owe her and she's going to withhold good behavior till her ransom demands are met.
That's not how things should work at all.
And unfortunately if you get her a new bed now any time soon, it will have the effect that you caved in to her once and she'll think she can get away with it again.
You might want to hold off on the new bed for awhile till she grows up a bit more - like when she turns 12 or 13 or later.

I would simply tell her that you were sick and could not go get the bed. The bed will be nice for her to have but a NEW bed is not a necessity. She needs to clean her room and change her attitude NOW. If she does this, you will get her the bed sometime this weekend but not before Friday. If her attitude does not change immediately, the new bed will be put off a week for each day of her bad attitude. Then (and most importantly), be willing to follow through!

You are not overacting at all. In fact I would actually not get her the bed for awhile and let her earn it on points weekly until you feel she is ready. Say another month or so. I have read lots of your posts and it does sound like she is out of character and did this on purpose. Good to nip it in the bud now.

I like Lynn M's answer.