Nearly 20 Years and How Happy Are You All of the Time?

You've received a lot of responses, but here's another one. You are in a perfectly normal relationship. I've known my husband for almost 20 yrs, been married 12, we have 3 young kids, and at least once a week I mentally commit homicide (or at least have mean thoughts towards him!). Do I think he's my soulmate? I don't know, because I'm not looking for someone else to try out for the part. We have a good marriage, nothing like people have on TV, but my house also isn't on a soundstage where Alice cooks and cleans up while we dole out sage advice. So hug him, kiss him, and try not to strangle him in front of the kids.

You hit the nail on the head! My husband and I have been together for 15 years years, married for almost 8 of them. We met when I was in high school - now we have two kids, 3 years old and 4 months! I TOTALLY understand what you mean about ups and downs! There are times when I am confident that I am with the right person and I can't imagine myself without him and there are times when I think it would be easier if I was by myself. I think that if you don't have those kinds of feelings then something isn't right. You have to grow and learn together and sometimes there growing pains.

Marriage and relationships are not black and white - there is a lot of gray area. I look at it like percentages - am I 100% happy all the time? No. Sometimes it's 80%, other times it's 65%, and even still it can be 95%. As long as the average is greater than 50% I think we're doing OK. There is always room for improvement and things that need to be reconsidered, which can be hard work; the question is are you willing to do the hard work together?

J.

wow so glad you wrote that i was thinking wow i am the weird one!!I think it is very rare with stress people are shiney happy people everyday!!everyday living is what we do!!maybe we are the normal ones..but for those who have all the rest hats off to them!!

Hi R.,
Your post really spoke to me because my husband and I have also been together for 17 years and have children about the same age as yours. Your question: Are we happy all the time? That really depends on how you define happiness. We're very low key, homebodies who enjoy just hanging out with our kids. We've never been out on a "date" since we had kids but we don't feel we need it. This is our lifestyle and by our standards- yes, we're happy but others who have different expectations may feel stifled, bored, whatever. I also believe that we live our lives in chapters. When my husband and I met we were 19 so we did a lot of fun, exciting things and yes, there was TONS of sex. Now, not so much! LoL. Now we're in our mid thirties and we're different people - we're parents, we're homeowners so it's a whole different chapter we're in. Do we miss the "good old days"? Yes and no, there were some freedoms that we like to remember but then our kids bring us so much joy that we wouldn't like to go back. As far as the future goes, we talk about how we'll be a hot couple in our 40's. I fantasize about losing all my baby weight (yeah right!!) and how I won't have to cook so much b/c we'll be going out to dinner lots. I'm sorry I can't be more specific in answering your question but I hope its helpful to you. Like you, I'm suspicious of couple who say that their in complete bliss all the time. Either their lying or just haven't struggled through significant events yet. My last advice to you is to love your husband ( and yourself) like you do your kids: Love them when they're happy but love them even more when their not! Good luck and God bless!

Ten years in and going through a rough patch right now. Marriage is tough! Kids come along(in our case a special needs son with lots of behavioral issues) and life does revolve around them. Add in careers, worries about the economy and finances, and having another baby when he is 51 and talk about adding stress.

We used to be best friends. I miss that. He misses that. We are just starting to get some marriage therapy and I hope, hope, hope that we will learn and grow with it. We want to make things work! But I'd be lying if I didn't say I was scared at times.

It's not all roses and soul mates and love stories. Marriage is work and commitment and riding that roller coaster. I just know I don't want to be married to anyone else!

And that guy at the soccer field? Well, all I can say is thank goodness for eye candy, harmless fantasies and my vibrator sometimes to help ride out the rougher patches.

Hi R.,
Here's what I say about mainstream media---BALONEY!!!! (Or, bologna!) I will believe these portrayals of marriage that are on television the first time I get just as excited as they do about my NEW -- improved--GLADE -- AIR FRESHENER! LOL I mean, what's UP with all of these commercials selling air fresheners? ("And, yes, it's Glade!) Give me a break. How stanky is the average house, anyway? Sheesh! Sorry--rant over. Back to the marriage thing.
I think it is normal and the reason I do is because EACH and EVERY other wife/mom that I talk to has MANY of the same things to say. It's almost like the same movie is playing in every house. Ex: "I have to do EVERYTHING", "My husband gave my child a LUNCHABLE for dinner before I was home and he actually had to drag out the SHOP VAC to get the crumbs up off of the floor under the table" "My husband doesn't know where the hamper is located" " And on and on and on and on. Myself included. I mean, really, I love my husband to pieces, but when I wearily climb those stairs at night, to bed and hear his lovely booming ELEPHANT SNORE that's already begun--I could just take a 2x4 to him! LOL
I guess what I'm saying is that your feelings are not uncommon in the least (at least not in MY neck of the woods!) and as for the BS they portray on television--BUNK-O!
Now believe me, the guy at soccer IS sexy. But I'll bet he has no clue where the hamper is either. They're ALL sexy until you have to fold their underwear! Other women are probably looking at your hubby and thinking...hmmmmmmm.....I wonder if HE knows where the hamper is...........

I've been married for almost 20 years (August) and with my husband since high school -- 30 years (yikes)! While I won't repeat what everyone else has said, I agree with the postings. If you love him and see the value that he brings to the relationship, then he's probably worth keeping.

I do want to thank you for a different posting. One that obviously made many of us think about where we are in life. For me, it also added a chance for me to think about my relationship and appreciate it for what it is.

Be well, and be happy (most of the time).

R.,

I am so glad to see so many responded...I appreciate your question as it seems very genuine and real. I don't think I have much to say that others haven't already covered but I wanted to add this...

This is coming from me...who had two close friends get divorced in the past sixth months...(and obviously being together for 20...you know this.) Communication is key...being real with your hubby and laying it all on the table and seeking counseling if it applies...

As for happily ever after....that is great for all who have it...lows/downs/struggles are defining...stengthening...building character... It's hard to see past it but looking back...I think you'll be better for it!

That's my two cents...I know i could learn so much from you as I am only half of where your at...

thanks for your honesty

I've been married to my soulmate for 15 years. Kids 8yo and 4yo. He is my soulmate b/c I honestly believe with all of his faults and mine he has the best personality to deal with AND appreciate me. -that's my definition

It isn't perfect or fun all the time. A friend lamented that at her age all the guys have baggage, I laughed and told her, "I married my guy at 22 and he STILL came with baggage." My husband is kind and good looking and a very involved wonderful father. He knows how to dance and is affectionate. I'm sure to the outside world we are living in Disneyland. We don't fight publicly or complain about each other a lot but that doesn't mean it's easy or fun.

I chose him for better or for worse and we've had both. There was about 6months where I just really didn't like him very much. Now that we are past that I like him even more. I got through that time by remembering why I married him, remembering all the good things he's done, remembering I signed on for good AND bad, remembering I'm a pain in the butt sometimes too, and remembering if I want something from him I need to ask him b/c he doesn't know.
If you want something more - what is it? Once you know, ask for it.

I have never questioned marrying my husband. He is everything I want in a spouse. I always feel in love with him, but I will say when our three kids were 4 and under, it was really about keeping our heads above water. We were in parent mode 24/7. When our twins were babies we even got snippy with each other, which is not normal for us. Give yourself a little time, you still have a young one.
As soon as all our kids were all above 5, we feel in love all over again. Now, we actually have a few minutes to enjoy each other when the kids are playing independently.
I also wouldn't compare yourself to other people. How many times have you heard people surprised by someone getting a divorce because they had the "perfect marriage." Things are not always what they seem.

Good luck and enjoy the ride! The downs make the ups all the more sweet!

Dear R.,

Believe me, you are not alone in your feelings. My cynical side believes that those professing "soulmateville" are only fooling themselves or not really looking deeper or being honest. I too have been married 15 years and with my spouse for 20. We have a 6 and 4 year old. The children I don't believe changed much except our free-time, depleting it significantly. But I have fallen in and out of love with my husband many, MANY times. We both swore when we married that divorce was not an option but it has been said in the heat of an argument. Fortunately, that sometimes is enough to scare the both of us. Although my husband has asked me not to say it because he feels like he is living under the gun so I have tried not to have the "divorce" knee jerk reaction. And we both have found others attractive and felt the pull of sex appeal and interest and have spoken honestly to each other when these feelings arise. Fortunately, neither of us have acted on those feelings but we both don't think that is a marriage breaker (just an intense amount of work to recover from acting on those feelings of attraction). I think of our marriage as a roller-coaster; we have our ups and our downs, we are out of control we are in synch; it is thrilling and fun-filled or very scary. We still both are in for the long haul and as a friend told me once when I asked why she and her partner didn't have the highs and lows my husband and I do, she said that we just seem more passionate and therefore our love and hate is more passionate. Believe me, I have hated my husband as I am sure he has me but underlying the hate we see the potential, the love, the effort, and the flaws we each possess. And throwing children into the mix just makes us both more committed to working through those rough patches.

Yes, I have these patterns of questions/ feelings. No, I don't think you are missing anything- honestly, I think they are missing the intensity. Mostly I feel hopeful but occasionally I have those fantasy moments of "what if"; what if I ran away and changed my name? What if I was swept up into a torrid whirlwind love affair? What if i had no regard for others feelings or cares? I feel my spectrum of feelings is huge; all encompassing including feeling crazy and frantic at times. We are in for the long haul so only time can tell but I feel we've seen all the feelings and just have to learn how to interact with each other while progressing through those feelings.

You aren't alone. And have you ever noticed, the couples who split more often than not aren't the couples you see having their arguments or being honest about their feelings. They are the couples who everyone says,"I never saw it coming. They seemed so happy".

Questioning is good and keep the communication open with your husband.

Fondly,
ann m.

Ok I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We have lived togather for 3 and have an 18 month old son. Two weeks ago I was trying to sell my boyfriend to people at work for the price of a pop. (He started a fight with me that morning, so I didn't have time to stop on way to work.) Friday I was listening to my MP3 and a sappy song came on so I made him listen to it and told him if we ever get married I want it as our wedding song. Saturday he was drinking and not being very nice so i told him to move out. Sunday he and I took our son shopping, then went out to dinner and had a great time. So yeah I think ups and downs are more normal. My boyfriend is an alcoholic and ppl are always telling me how i should break up with him and don't know how i put up with it. I know plenty of ppl in non-alcoholic relationships that put up with way worse (cheating, violence) which is not a factor in my relationship at all. As long as you still love each other and can appreciate the good times and help each other through the bad, that is all that matters.

Just a few short words as you have many responses. First, good marriages are made better because of sacrifice and service. How much do you serve and sacrifice for your husband without expectations? Marriage is not about what you get out of it but what you put in.

Second, gratitude. You have to focus on the positive and not the negative. The more you think about the negative, the more you will see it. The more you focus on the positive and accept the negative as human weakness we all have the happier you will be.

Good luck. Marriage can be wonderful with two imperfect people!

Happy all the time? Nope. Married to my soulmate - nope. I am married to a man who does not know where the hamper is, won't surrender the remote control and who has no clue where the pediatrician's office is. However, I am also married to a man who is my "partner-in-crime", is madly in love with his family and can make a mean meatloaf. Would I trade him in - not today, tomorrow I can't vouch for yet. We have had our good and bad times, I would venture to guess we all have. Over the past 13 almost 14 years, we have had times where eyes have wandered,(but not the hands) and where we could not get enough of each other. I think what you are going through is perfectly normal.

I don't have much time to respond but I felt compelled to share that I feel as though your words are coming from my mind. So, you are not alone. I have been married for 6 1/2 years and have a 3 year old and a 21 month old. The best thing I have found for my relationship with my husband are the "date nights". It is hard to find the time and getting a sitter is a challenge, but it is always worth the effort!

Love my husband, but ups and downs are normal. My general feeling is if you have to tell everyone how great your marriage is, then maybe it's not. Don't get bummed by the "soulmate" and "perfect husband" postings. Nobody is perfect and no one's marriage is perfect. Besides, you never know how those "soulmates" feel,it's a one sided postings. I think everything you're feeling is normal. Sounds like you guys are doing great for 20 years!

HI... you sound pretty much in the same type of marriage i'm in and i've only been married 3 years (with children all 3) but your situations sounds about right.

recently i've been trying really really hard to not say anything negative to anyone about my husband, it takes real conscience effort sometimes, especially when my friends are complaining to me and i totaly relate to them...

Make a date to watch the movie "Fireproof" with your husband... it's on Demand now... my husband and i watched it together about a month ago and since then i've been doing the book the LOVE DARE and recently i've had more good days than bad... i'm not saying the bad is completely gone or if i keep doing this they'll ever be completely gone, but i will say bad days are out weighed by the good recently... and basically i'm happier more than not. i think there's something to it.

so, to sum up you're not the only one that is happy with marriage one day and sad the next. and i think we just might be missing something. My spectrum was pretty huge (highs were really high and lows oh so low...) and i hate to jinx this new situation but our relationship has been so much more leveled out since i've been reading this book. ???who knows???

Good luck with everything!!
S.

Hi R., Let me say that your post left me with such a smile on my face. Your life could be my life. Media hype and syrupy movies can really make one feel that they are a failure at times. What you have is a normal, wonderful, turbulent at times, loving, unpredictable, stable, marriage. It is HARD work always, sprinkled with those moments that make it worth it all. While your children are young, often times it is all about them. It is important to squeeze in some time for each other and just yourself. Trust me when I say that no one has the fairy tale. Real life is the roller coaster ride. Thrilling, yet scary, sometimes making you queasy, but we all want to ride again! You are just fine. Surround yourself with support of family and friends. Being a SAHM is not easy. I have met many wonderful, funny, strong women through my own 2 children. (Boys 12 and 6). I have been married for 22 yrs to my high school sweetie, and dated him for 7 yrs before we married. I really thought there would be no surprises for me but once the socks hit the floor, and the lid was always up...the real fun began! Where were the lapping waves and moonlight cocktails? Now when we do get those moments, they mean so much more than if we had them everyday. I appreciate and accept him for all of his traits. And I know he does the same for me. Have a great life with your wonderful family. I hope you can enjoy climbing the hill, and stop to appreciate the view, and hold on while rushing through those dips!

R. -
I think you need a break from TV, and reading what other people write. You sound perfectly normal to me!
I have been with my husband for a total of 20years, we have three children, and we have our ups and downs also. We have changed in our relationship, but it has always worked for us. I know for some couples it doesn't. I don't think you have anything to worry about, unless you are unhappy all the time. I have also noticed with myself that lately my mood swings are a little wild - I haven't noticed hormones like this since I was a teenager! - I'm guesssing you are around my age - maybe you are experiencing some of this also? Good Luck.

I think if you really feel like "we don't get much time to enjoy eachother" then you need to make more time. Things aren't perfect, there's been a lot of stress in this economy for us and we've gotten into some disagreements but I would say overall we're happy. Like Charlotte said in Sex in the City, I'm not happy all day, but I am happy every day. We've been married for 5 years but we were born down the street from each other and grew up together so I feel like our relationship should count for longer than that.

I'm writing this as my husband just had an argument. It's life, no one can honestly say they are happy with their husband/wife all the time. There is always something that will piss you off about them. How fun would it be if your spouse was "perfect"? There would be no make up sex...lol. I have known my husband for 12 years and we have been married for 4 this June. I don't always like him and sometimes I think I don't love him. I got up in front of everyone I know and committed myself to him for better or worse. We have rough times but then there are those times when I'm in complete blissville. It's life and no one said it was going to be easy. Good marriages just don't happen they are worked at over time. I know people who have been married for 40 years and aren't always happy with their spouse. You are normal.

This July is my 20th wedding anniversary. I've never done anything for THIS long, except parent, because my two oldest are from a prior marriage. :-)

And yes, it's time to look at the media, and the faces you see in public, and be more realistic about what you see. We ALL put on good faces in public, and stack the "crud" in the closets of our lives. That makes everyone else WHOLE life, marriage, happiness quotient, everything, look better from the outside looking in.

My husband is pretty stable, so I get the sense that's he's more of a straight line kind of guy -- whereas my emotions zig zag like a chart of the Dow Jones Industrial Average. That said, however, he is and has been my best friend for 20+ years of marriage. We get busy, we DO live our lives around the children rather than around ourselves, but we think that's good and right. They'll be gone soon, and then we'll go to the first time in our lives of living as a dyad. Most people start their marriages that way. His job is VERY stressful, on me as well as on him, and that stress sometimes causes us to emotionally separate -- not just from each other, but from lots of things . . . but whenever I really feel like I 'just don't care" anymore, I also remember that this guy knows me. KNOWS me, my quirks, my crabby moments, my ups and downs, and he doesn't complain about them. He doesn't share them with others. He is 100% safe. He is also 100% faithful. He hasn't gone looking or found other partners, and he won't. I haven't either, and I won't. We would both be honest and faithful enough to end the marriage BEFORE we took it on the road to others. We made a commitment to each other, and even if it isn't the world's most exciting marriage, it's one of the world's greatest friendships. I can't count the number of times he's been working with other couples, and come home and said, "I am so glad I married you. I wouldn't survive very long if I were married to so-and-so. I don't know how (the hub) does it." That tells me he is 100% comfortable being married to me. I don't fuss when he works all manner of hours, I don't crab when he's tired and wants to hide from the world. I understand when he needs to be alone to unwind. And I don't complain much. I let him be who he is.

Over the years we grow into patterns of relating, that we get used to. Sometimes we call them ruts, and sometimes they feel like ruts, but they are also predictable and safe. The allure of the wild and unpredictable, somewhat new and dangerous "new" relationsip -- the falling in love stuff -- is going to call to us, because the media hypes it and often we swallow it, because it looks more exciting . . .

But the tried and true, being faithful and having someone who is also faithful, who loves you, whom you love (even when you aren't wildly ecstatic about it), and who partners with you for life, is really the better option. I've been in a marriage that bordered on abusive, I've been a single mom. I can tell you from experience that this is WAY better -- even on the bad days, than either of those options.

How close we are comes and goes, we give each other the freedom to grow in different areas, in ways that may not include us, but we always return to periods of refreshment when we definately feel "in love" -- not like when we were younger and love was new, but with a grand appreciation that this is the person we married, and we're really glad of it. The true test is to look back, and say, "If I had to do it all over again . .. ?" And, my answers, is a definate and LOUD, YES !!!! But does that mean I'm always sappily in love with him, thinking of him 24/7, my heart jumps into my throat when he looks at me ? Heavens, no! Our love is way more mature than that, I can let him go, knowing he'll be back (barring car accident, plane crash, etc), I can trust him with even the ugly parts of me, and he still loves me . . . no questions asked. He just does. And, yes, he has those "other" sides, too . . .but they are safe with me, so you didn't hear about them ! :-)

Hang in there. Don't let the media get to you -- start looking at real life glimpses of marriage instead -- it'll probably make you WAY more appreciative of your own because it fits you. (quite honestly, I rarely turn on the TV, and if I do, it's only jeapardy. I don't do sitcoms or non -reality shows. None of it is real. It's TV. And the magazines? Well, the people they interview are in love with each other one day, and bitterly divorced the next. Obviously they don't tell the truth about their marriages.) When you get to a "low" time in your closeness/feelings cycle, just look at the good things. Would you hang in with this person, just as a friend? It's way better to keep building with what you have than to walk through the pain of tearing it apart, trying to re-create your life, and trying to find another who comes to you with relational scars that may not coincide with yours.

Above all, don't be hard on yourself. He married you. He loves you. And you both love your children. .. . Enjoy them, and enjoy them together. It's way more fun, and way less stressful than the other options out there ! :-)

I have only been married 4 years. We have an 18 month old daughter and a son due in July. Over all, we are very much in love but yes, we too have our ups and downs. I think in every relationship that is the norm it just isn't talked about by most women. I have a relative who loves to talk about all the bad in her life but to me that just seems unimportant. When I talk about my husband, I only tell the good because personally, I really don't want to have to hear about what is so horrible in the other person's life. And honestly, the bad should really only be between me and my husband. I really don't care to tell everyone about our personal lives.
So I guess to answer your question, I think most people just don't like to talk about the bad. I guess in all actuallity, people want to make their lives seem appealing to others, not like they have the worst of everything.

R.,

I have to say I am definitely married to my soulmate. However, that does not equate to beautiful days followed by endless loving nights. Just because someone is your soulmate doesn't mean they are perfect (far from it). It just mean no matter how bad it gets you know you will always be together. We will be married 10 years in Oct. and we have been through alot that could have torn us apart. Infertility, miscarriage, lots of fertility meds, a surprise pregnancy years, a child born with special needs, etc. At times he is husband/father of the year and at other times I wonder if he remembers we exist. Some days I complain to my girlfriend and think can I really do this for the rest of my life but at the end of the day I cannot imagine life without him. Yeah, the guy on the soccer field is fun to look at but I am sure he isn't perfect either. So don't stress over the soulmate thing....it doesn't mean they have found perfection.

My husband and I have been married for almost 16 years, together for 20 years. I love my husband as much today as I did when we first fell in love. We were fortunate to have 7 long years married without children. Once we had our first child, I admit that it was hard to find time for each other. But we did. Now we have three children ages 9, 3 and 2. We love our children and each other very much.

We do have our ups and downs. Sometimes we just drive each other crazy. There are things about him that I don't like just like I am sure that there are things about me that he doesn't like. I do believe that he is my "soulmate" as you put it. But just because we are so much in love, doesn't mean that we don't argue. We talk about what is bothering us. I truly believe that communication is the key to a successful marriage. Being married is a full time job whether you are married to your "soulmate" or not. If you truly love the person you marry, you work at keeping that marriage healthy.

Now as far as you looking at other sexy guys you see around, don't be concerned unless you are considering acting on those feelings. My husband and I realize that we are "human". And, as "humans", it is perfectly natural to look at someone that we find attractive. More times than not we even tease each other about it. The trick is that, if you are in a committed relationship, you don't act on that attraction.

Hey R.

I have been married to my hubby for 5 1/2 years, we've been together for almost 10. We have 3 kids who are pretty darn close in age. I love my husband dearly. But, there are times when I am really not happy and really can't stand him. Usually it is when I am really tired, over worked and feel like I can't get a break at all. It's really hard work staying married and happy, and I'm definately not always happy. It seems like once the babies started coming things started falling apart for me and my husband - although he was blissfully unaware that I was miserable. I realized that things that always were, started becoming more difficult in our marriage because the added stress of kids just made it harder to tolerate. I am rambling a bit in trying to say that my husband definately have our ups and downs. I have more than my fare share of tears but I try to keep in mind why I love the man and focus on that. There was a time when I thought my marriage was over, but I worked on it and told my husband what my issues were and he worked on it. It's still not easy, not perfect, not like it was when we were dating or before kids. I try to go with the changes rather that wishing for the past - at least I think I try to. I don't have any real words of wisdom other than to say you aren't the only one! Hang in there and as far as I am concerned it's ok to think the guy on the soccer field is sexy ( as long as you still love and are loyal to hubby)

You sound perfectly normal to me. I think every marriage has it's ups and downs. At church we just finished a marriage series based on the book, "Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti." The question of people who are continually in bliss in their relationship was brought up. Our conclusion was it's a myth - someone's not being real. You can be content in marriage (which is sounds like you are) and still have the ups and downs. I do, and I'm married to an awesome man who I love - but there are days I don't like him much! Of course we always get over those times. Marriage is all about your commitment level - how much time and effort you are willing to put into it. It's hard work - especially with kids! If you can (and I know it's difficult with kids) try to plan at least one date night a month with your husband if you can. Of course when we have a date night it's still hard to focus on each other and not the kids, but we try. Anyway, from my perspective, you sound totally normal.

I have been married almost 17 years with my husband almost 21 years. We have a 19 year old and a 15 year old together. We have had plenty of ups and downs. I believe that marriage is not meant to be all love and laughter. Of course there are times when I am head over heels and feel like a giddy little girl but there are times also when I just as soon walk out the door. The key is to pull through those times. Life isn't perfect all the time and those that say it is are either lying or in for a huge fall at some point. Key is keep your chin up if there is love there real love you will pull through. And trust me your kids will grow up very quickly and you will have plenty of time together once again

Hi R.,

To me it sounds like your marriage is totally normal. My husband and I have been together for 18 years (in September) and married for 15 of them. I can honestly say that our marriage sounds very similar to yours. With all the ways that media portrays marriage it's no wonder you are questioning this.

L.

R., I have been married for almost 15 years and this month we will have been together for 21 years. We have 8yo and 4yo girls. Every life has ups and downs. I believe my husband is my soulmate, but I would be lying if I said that our life together was sunshine and roses all the time. It gets harder when you add into the mix children and you become parents, not just lovers. I am lucky to be a SAHM, but the flip side is that my husband leaves the house at 6am and gets home about 8pm, and he travels for business about 40% of the time. Needless to say we are both tired mentally and physically. Weekends are about the family, not about us as a couple. We have good times and bad, but I would never give up my life for anything. Its been said that you cannot appreciate the good if there is no bad.

Enjoy your life, try to make more time for you and your love, enjoy your children to the fullest extent.

hi R.,
You seem to be young [ poss late 30's] .
My BEST years were age 44 years to 50 years .. they were just great !
You are BLESSED ......
YOU have lived BOTH SIDES OF THE COIN ....
married no children , adult fun and LOOKS !!!!! ... now you are married w/ children ages 3 and 6 yr ... a long way to go to live to see your 'childrens' successes , dreams come to furision ...[ grade school, middle school, teenagers, graduation, college, marraige, grandkids]and so on ......
Your husband LOVES you and the kids ..
he may not be ' happy / skippy' everyday , hence, you are fed , clothed, sheltered , loved ..this is a good guy. a good marraige .
T_I_M_E_ is simply what you and hubby have to work into marital bliss ...SET UP DATE NIGHTS .. STICK WITH THEM >>>.
t-i-m-e- as a family too... set up f-a-m-i-l-y dates too .[ zoo, walk woods, bikes, room clean up .. anything ]
my dear ; your marraige is a 'family' now .you are in the middle of creating memories, listening to children learn to talk, play soccer, daddy working [ in a recession ] , in-laws , grand parents, play dates, and on and on ...
THIS IS ALL OF YOUR REWARDS >>>>> YOU AND YOUR PARTNER DID THIS 'MAGIC" .
wisdom , time ,' PATIENCE my child ' is a loving MARRAIGE ...[ good health for all too]
you have it ...!!!!!!!!!!!
you are simply cking. the grass on the other side ....[ just look]
be positive, remember the good, think of the childrens dreams, the grammys , grandpas , and the DAY YOU FEEL IN LOVE > pull out that WEDDING vhs !!!!
watch it with the kids .. listen to the giggles ...
give your husband a great big kiss tonight.. thank him for your life ...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
t

Marriage is a roller coaster ride with many ups and downs. I've been married 17 years and with him for 20. We have 3 children. He works 2 jobs and I'm on disability but still very busy. The children always come first. We just had a discussion about now that the children are getting older maybe we should schedule a date night once a month for us. I have friends that do this and it seems to help their relationship. I feel like most moms-never enough "ME" time or couple time. Still love my hubby and children.

Hi R.,

The "soulmate People" are lying or living in that TV world we all dream about. You have a real marriage.

I'm right there in the middle with you! I think a lot of it is due to the fact that you spend so much quality time at work and then towards your kids that you forget to spend time that's quality time with your mate (plus it's expensive to do so after factoring in babysitter costs). If you don't already, try carving out "date night" times for the 2 of you (we're starting with just 1 night a month and taking advantage of our local YMCA's "Parents Night Out" the 3rd Saturday of each month where you drop off your kids for 3 hours & it's free to full time members).

Well, I'm not 20 years in, but I'll say it's normal! Especially with kids in the picture. Families are complicated. You've gotten some terrific feedback already from a lot of other moms, and I'm pretty sure that they are all saying the same thing --- and you'll just get more of the same. My husband is my high school sweetheart. We've been together for ... 15 years, I think, now? (Wow - now I feel old!) and married for 9. We have had some serious ups and downs, and some of the downs were SOOOOOOOOOO low. (And a number of them have come from the stress we've suffered since having created a family by moving from just us two to the two of us and baby, too.) We're STILL trying to adjust being a family, to being parents - and to maintaining a sense of personal identity and to finding time for each other as a couple and for ourselves as individuals. It's such a tough balancing act. And none of us ever gets the balance just right!
*And for what it's worth - yeah - that guy on the soccer field probably is pretty sexy, but mostly, I suspect, because you're NOT married to him. He's just eye-candy. You've got the real thing at home, even when you feel you just can't stand the real thing any more.*

Hi R.,
I'm married for almost 22 years, and we have been together for over 26. Happy all the time?? Who can do that? When I sit back and think about it, I'd go for content and comfortible, at a minimum with lots of spice to go with it. Life is a roller coaster - but you need to be ready to enjoy the ride! We have 2 great teen-age boys and we all enjoy alot of the same activities. This makes it easy for us to do things together. To have the same emotion all the time sounds like it could be lacking some excitement.
Hopefully all of your ups out number the downs! Enjoy and relax.

We are "up and down" in "soulmateville", with almost 17 years of marriage and last year celebrated 20 years since our first date. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else; I really believe God made us just for each other (and knocked Himself out trying to get us together LOL)... but wow, there are days when he makes me a little crazy! LOL Even those who feel they are with their "soulmate" are still human, still have conflicts that have to be resolved. It's the willingness to resolve them that makes the difference. Before we found this place of contentment and resolution, we went through a BIG season of "storms" and I walked a very scary road of checking out the grass on the other side. Turns out, there were bare spots and weeds there, too, and I will be forever thankful that I did not hop that fence. Trust me on that, and don't try to compare him with others, because to use the old cliche, it's apples and oranges. Continue your resolve to keep those vows sacred, take time away together when you can, even for an hour, and don't expect it to be like the "honeymoon." I highly recommend the book THE LOVE DARE to anyone reading this who finds themselves feeling discontented. It helps you renew that emotional bond and turn your hearts back toward each other. There are different stages to marriage over the years, and they can all be good if you keep the right perspective. Resolving to not "compare" is the biggest advice I can give you. Good luck and God bless your family!

R....you've been married a lot longer than me but after 6 years of marriage, 3 kids (all boys) and knowing each other for over 12 years, I too feel like you do! I love my hubby & think he's a great husband & father & I wouldn't trade him for anyone. But I def. don't "feel" in love with him everyday. There are days I can tell he's being selfish & I want to just hit him or kick him out but I just walk away and do the laundry or something.
Don't feel bad & hang in there. As the kids get older and then move out one day you and your hubby will get to know each other all over again. Then you'll be able to date, take trips and really enjoy each other. Of course I don't think you should wait until then to enjoy each other, I'm just saying it'll be easier.

Try to find some one-on-one time. Plan a "date night" even if it's just once a month. You can even help out another family. When you guys go out they watch your kids and when they go out you can watch their kids so you don't have to pay for a babysitter! Then you'll get that time you desire with your husband.

Best of luck & God Bless!

First of all I think you are normal. In life there are ups and downs, nothing is 100% sunshine, roses, and love all the time :)

I also think the term "soulmate" means different things to different people.

I am usually happy most of the time, but there are days when I wish I could find the number to a good divorce lawyer and give him/her a call. But then a few hours later I have calmed down and realize I was just reacting emotionally to a situation instead of thinking it through calmly and rationaly, it happens to all of us. And usually it was a fight over something stupid.

We don't have the alone time/ date night times that we used to, but we have started to do others things together, which makes us closer (we exercise together 2 to 3 times a week at home).

I also don't think that one person can be your everything, that's why I have girlfriends that I try to go out with every so often and interests/hobbies that my husband doesn't have so I can have my own thing.

I do believe some people just say they are happy b/c they don't want to admit their marriage has a problem and I think there are some people that are really, really happy with the way their marriage is. Most people are like us, some days are great and some are not. Don't worry about it, just try to keep communicating with your husband, don't cover up how you are feeling.

Dear R.,
I hope that now as you read this amazing response to your question, you will feel better about the way you see your relationship. I could have written your post, and I have loved reading the responses. Thank you everyone out there!

You are perfectly normal...I don't care what anyone says! I think the most important thing is that you don't act on your thoughts...as tempting as it may be. Marriage is work...period! It is hard to change from mother by day, lover by night. If you can try and make a date night once in a while that may help. Do you have someone that can take the kids over night now and then? Even better! I am right with you on the feelings that you mention. Love my hubby but it is a constant job to try and keep things fresh! Good luck to you!

R.,
I have a feeling the "boat" you are in is much fuller than you think! You are not alone. I have been married for 22 years and my husband and I have been together for 28 yrs. It sounds like you just described my marriage! I have 2 children girl 6 and boy 8. During the down time I maybe think I could be happy with someone else...Then I think what am I nuts!!! I love my husband and have put in way to many years to give up what I have. I hope this helps answer your question.

Hey R.! So I am in the same boat you are. Think and feel the same way about my marriage and husband and all these women who live in "soulmate" bliss. What I really would like to say I won't because I don't care for the responses I may get if I pissed someone off. But know you are not alone and marriage/life/children are work with ups/downs/highs/lows and if you don't have these how do you learn who you are and who your partner and children are.
J.

Hi R.,

Sounds like you are burned out looking out for everyone except yourself.

Get you an appointment book with 4 columns from your local health and beauty store or elsewhere.

put your husband, your name and your 2 children in the columns.

In your column, put time for yourself and for you and your husband each day.

Get you a babysitter and do something that you want to do.

You can spend time with your husband at home and let your family take your children to their house.

Fix up the dining room table for a romantic dinner.

or

Fix up your bedroom with scented sheets and candle light.

Take a shower together and let him woo you.

Good luck. D.