How Do I Handle This? - Morrisville,PA

He is being harsh. Do you have a Comfort Keepers near you? They can provide light housekeeping, meal prep, errands, etc.

I think men deal with stressful situations regarding family differently than we would. I know when my fil was sick and ultimately died, my husband completely shut me out. He was at the hospital all night, every night and did not want any help. It was so hard to watch, but I had to let him deal with it his own way. Even after my fil's death, it took a LONG time for him to sort of get back to normal. It's a really tough time, stay strong and just be there on the side to help him if and when he asks. Small suggestions are good, I know my husband may get mad at first but then processes it..it takes him longer. Stay strong and best wishes.

It's time to get your FIL some help -- and not family friends.
Call their doctor. Ask for a home health aide recommendation.
The people at the doc's office can point you in the right direction.
I'm sure your FIL has heard horror stories about aides stealing and such. If he's worried about that, help him put the valuables away.
The other option is Assisted Living... Would they be open to something like that?
LBC

The sucky thing about this - is that it sounds like your husband and his siblings are in denial about the life expectancy and care of his parents.

I would carefully remind your husband that his parents are YOUR parents now too....you married him - and became HIS family.....

now to the sad side of things.....While it's wonderful that you care about your inlaws - respect your husband's wishes and back off. you can do the research and find places (homes, home nurses, etc.) so that when he finally opens his eyes - you can be prepared with the answers he will need to help care for his parents.

He wants to do it himself - great - but what I think is happening is that if he puts his head in the sand and SAYS he'll do it himself - he's just prolonging the inevitable....be prepared...don't overtly research - just do it quietly,make a folder so that when he's finally 'there' - you can help him out.

My best to you!!!

Your husband, FIL and BIL are not willing to acknowledge the reality of the situation, which is that the parents are dying. I know that sounds very harsh, but they are likely in the beginning stages of "death and dying", which is "denial". Essentially, they are thinking and acting as though not talking about it will keep it from happening.

I strongly suggest that you do the research for him. Make some phone calls, google search, if you can find out what kind of insurance they have and whether or not the insurance will cover a part-time aide, call your local Office for the Aging and ask for information.

We went through this last spring with my husband's grandfather and my FIL not wanting to "do anything" about his father's continually failing health. He had a part-time aide, but didn't have someone full time. We (DH and I) finally started the research, made the phone calls, set up the appointments and just told FIL that he was welcome to join us if he wanted to. He was so afraid that we would make a decision without him (eventhough we had no legal rights), he came with us. Fortunately he did b/c his father fell that month and social services had to get involved!

I agree with Loving Life With God. Do the research and have the information available for your husband when he's ready. You could even get pamphlets from the companies that offer those services. It his parents and not yours so he needs to be the one to deal with it unfortunately. All you can do is offer your support. Maybe provide meals or something to your inlaws and try helping out as much as possible. Maybe do their laundry for them? Any thing can help. I know it's not helping where it is really needed but it could help with the load that the fil is carrying. It is difficult dealing with the fact that your parents are aging and won't be around for much longer. Even if your husband doesn't come to you for the information, you'll have it for your parents. You will be prepared for them. Hang in there. Support your husband. Let him know that you are willing to help in any way possible. But I think it would be all right to offer your help in those other areas that I mentioned. Good luck.

Being a caregiver is TOUGH. My grandmother was a retired geriatric nurse who still struggled doing it on her own (with some family help on weekends).

We/they hired someone to come in 2X a week to help after my grandfather got worse, and when she had heart problems of her own, we had to get an emergency transfer to a local nursing home.

My neighbor is a widow now and her son hired someone to help her out daily, from about 10 to 6. It's a relief for her (she can stay in her home) and it's a relief for him since he works and has a family. He does come (especially when bad weather is expected) and we look out for her, but it's not something that can really be done by one person for long. For your FIL's sake, I think someone should be HIRED so he has relief he can rely on.

I would say, "Look, if you want to do the research yourself, I'll give you x time to do it. Then I'm going to step in because this is important and needs to be done. For everybody."

Men are so much different than woman about these things. Its ok that you brought it up. I think you guys should hire a nurse. My mom hired a live in nurse for my grandparents. It went pretty well for a couple of years until they had to be moved to a nursing home. Something bad is going to happen if its ignored.

do your research in the background and dont make issue of it in front of hubby, it obviously makes him quite uncomfortable.
what is your relationship like with your inlaws, can you call or visit them when you have free time and not have hubby go with you or be the wiser of your visits. maybe his parents dont want any help. they may have a pact to just die at home and not be put into a facility somewhere. my grandpa is like that. he's 92 and lives alone, has a maid come in once a week and she also cooks for him on occasion... but he does not want family doing anything for him.
it's awesome that you care about your husbands parents, and you are probably worried about how he will feel after they are gone? i've learned we all deal with this type of situation very differently and there is no one right way to handle it.
pray for your husband to become more hands on.
and do go visit them yourself to better assess the situation. you can probably call social services in their area and they can come out and evaluate and send some help in for them, if they want it.
good luck, and it's awesome that you care :)

We have been using a business called Home Instead, Inc. and we have been very happy with the professional and personal service they have provided for my in-laws.

We just told my in-laws that we wish we were there to help with driving them to errands and since we can't, we would like to do this for them. They accepted the offer quite readily. We have a gal come in every other week for 3 hours. She takes them shopping and she does some light housework when they return.

So, since we already did a lot of research, you might want to see if this company has an office in your area. If not, maybe you can contact and see if they can make a local recommendation. Then just tell hubby it's your way of helping him out during his crazy hours.

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Maybe you can research the information and have options ready if he is in need of them. Sorry for this challenging time, keep your head up and keep being supportive.

When my grandmother was 89 she misjudged the staircase and fell all the way down. Shattering her femur. When they did a brain scan as she fell head first they saw she had a brain tumor. She decided she wanted it removed we begged her not to. Anyway, after the operation she could no longer speak or walk. My then 93yr old grandfather, went back to cooking which hadn't done in 60 yrs and started to take care of my grandma. It quickly became too much, but he would not consider her going to a rehab hospital, but agreed to have a live in. This took so much pressure off of him and frankly the family. My gramps still cooked and took care of her, but the aid did the heavy lifting, bathing, medications etc. There has to be a compromise. Shame on your husband for telling you to stay out of it. You married him, you married his family and you are obviously a caring person. Have you spoken to your BIL or his bettr half? Maybe with them siding with you, it will open hubs eyes? Did you ask your FIL if he wants outside help? I'm sure he is overwhelmed.

Hi, C.:
Thanks for caring about the elders of your family.

call the Good Shepherd's Mediation Center in Philadelphia at
###-###-####

See if there is someone in your area that can mediate what is necessary to do in this situation. There are elder mediatiors that help families in your situation to define what are the necessary steps to help in the transitions that occur at this stage of life. Ask what the fees are for this service.

Good luck.
D.

Can you bring them to come live with you? I'm sorry you are having such difficulties.

I agree that your husband and BIL are in denial and just don't want to face the truth and the hard decisions. There's not much you can do. Calling his parents' friends is a sure way to ruin that friendship - these people are not equipped to handle the level of assistance your in-laws need. And your husband knows it, which is why he isn't calling them.

You can research their insurance coverage. You can also called your MIL's doctor - while that doctor cannot share info with you, he/she can listen (and will listen) to your concerns. If that doctor takes your info and then asks the right questions of your MIL and FIL. Those may include "prescribing" home health care, visiting nurses, respite care, and more, which will be covered by a combination of insurance and Medicare. It's possible they should move into assisted living, which could be paid for by the sale of their house.

You can talk to your FIL alone if you have that type of relationship. If you have children, you can stress that you love your FIL and MIL not just for yourself but for their grandchildren.

Your FIL's heart history is an issue, but even if it weren't there, this level of care for an 89-year-old is an awful lot. I imagine your husband and BIL will feel guilty if your FIL drops dead from exhaustion. But the question of meddling can put a strain on your marriage as well.

Your husband and BIL probably don't know where to start to make arrangements, and your FIL may resent the implication that he cannot manage. It's a complex issue but there are elder care agencies that can help and which have a responsibility to help. You may be able to call one of them anonymously, or the doctor can do it so that an independent agency makes an assessment and then makes independent and neutral recommendations. I would start in any way that you can that safeguards your identity, rather than just research everything and have it sitting around in case your husband asks. My guess is, he won't.

Tell him to get over himself - what a jerk! They are your Parents in Law and he should be happy you are just as concerned for their welfare as he is. Tell him you are looking into it since he's too busy to make time for his parents at the moment. Be decisive and tell him things need to happen and happen NOW.