How Can I Be Both Polite Yet Firm?

I have the same problem with my son, and I too am a people pleaser. I finally, had to start saying, "Oh you are so kind. Thank you. But I'm really trying to work with him about not talking with strangers, so I'm sorry, but could you please excuse us. I hope you understand." And then I'd walk away or engage him with a one on one activity. Some people were a little put off, but most were apologetic and would say something to the effect of "I'm sorry, I should have asked. Good for you to start teaching him so young." Just as anything else life, you just CAN’T please them all. Hope it helps, -J

Hi,my name is M.,a mother of 6! If I were you I would be more aware of people coming my way and step in between them and my baby before they can even make contact,and if they still look like they are going to touch,I would straight out say"nah,it's not cool!"

Dear D.,

Yes, I know how you feel, and you are right, I would say you need to carry around some of that anti bacterial stuff in a small bottle and quietly wipe his hands or whatever with a kleenex that you have dabbed with it.

The people are actually blessing your child, in a very informal way, when they touch him. That is what a hug is - a blessing, so do not turn them away. Also, my son was very friendly with people when he was young unto his death at 46. He totally loved people and the thing that he did that graced this planet was that he talked to strangers, that is a blessing too, you know. As an adult, he very quietly helped many people with counseling or money to ride the bus to get home whether near or far, food, a place to rest, who knows what else. The church was FILLED with all sorts of people, rich and poor, clean and not so clean, all of them loving my son for the love that he showed them with his respect and attention during his - to me short life - wouldn't he have been a wonderful old man ? Not gripy or mean, but understanding and open.

That is the person you want you child to be, you said it in the beginning of your letter. So be careful not to show fear or push people away. Just use your good old anti bacterial stuff, and let the people enjoy him, while he learns to be sociable.

The short time that people spend with your child is a gift to the peace of the world. Children are so precious and beautiful, and people are hungry for even that small piece of refreshing beauty in their lives. A baby can change the world for a moment anyway. Long ago a baby changed the world and he is still doing it.

Sincerely, C. N.

LOL. I have to laugh because...well it's so funny how people are so clueless of their own germs.

You don't want to be rude, but they are. You don't want to hurt feelings, but they don't worry about your feelings on the matter.

My favorite is when they take my daughters pacifier and put the handle in their mouth to taunt her to come get it. WHAT IN THE WORLD!!!! Even my family does that. It's a thing that she keeps in her mouth.....maybe that would give them a clue NOT TO TOUCH IT!

When it comes you your child, you have the right to be rude right back because let's face it, it's rude to spread germs to a baby...everyoone knows this or at least they should.

When they come up to touch your son, say the words with a smile of course..."please, if you would mind, I'd prefer you not to touch his face, hands, etc."

If you notice a pushy person who tries to make you feel like a freak...repeat..."no touchy" but with a smile.

If they don't leave or get the hint..."Okay, thanks, buh bye" in one quick sentence and start moving. Who really cares what some random clueless rude probably germ infested stranger thinks about you and how you parent. There are tons of other naysayers out there to worry about.

Heck...to keep them away...put a frown on when you see an incomer. They may not want to mess with mean looking mom...lol.

Good luck mama...sounds like you've got a cutie.

D.,

You have two options. 1. Tell people not to touch your child. But understand, that sends the wrong message to the people and the wrong message to your child, no matter how polite and firm you try to be. The people will think you are rude and/or paranoid, and you are teaching your child to be afraid of human contact.

Think about this: If you are pushing the cart in Target or the grocery store, have you wiped down the handle with antibacterial wipes? If not, your hands are just as germy as the person who reaches out to touch your child.

I think you are over reacting, because anything you or your child touches when you are outside of your own home has trace amounts of fecal matter, urine, snot, blood, semen, and a whole host of bacteria on it from people touching it who have not washed their hands.

If you are concerned about germs now, you're going to go nuts when your son goes to school. He will be sick more often than he's not. How many preschool or elementary school kids wash their hands regularly in a day after sneezing on everything, picking their noses, scratching their butts?

Choice 2. If after realizing how many germs he's exposed to every time he leaves the house you are still feeling uncomfortable about the germy people who "might" touch your son, then just clean him up after someone touches him.

Keep a packet of wipes in your purse (for use on faces) and a little bottle of hand sanitizer for hands--especially before his little hands take that snack from the ziploc bag into his mouth after he's been hanging onto the grocery cart handle. Wash your own hands well and often and teach your child to do the same, including teaching him not to touch his own face after handling things that are not clean.

I'm not a germaphobe, but I am rarely sick (same with my son) because I clean my hands frequently throughout the day when I run errands and I keep my hands away from my face (a major "entry point" for many germs). My son now keeps a small bottle of hand sanitizer in his gym bag, backpack, and his car.

It's no big crazy deal; we're not running around wrapped in saran wrap and wearing surgical masks, we've just made personal hygiene part of everyday life, and we are healthier for it.

Don't worry about it so much. Do what you can do, and don't sweat the rest.

Good luck.

I really have no advice, but I agree with you. I never touch strangers babies either. I don't understand why others do. I wouldn't know what to say to strangers who do this. But when I go to the grocery store or gas station or whatever I always use anti-bacterial gel or wipes. Besides people touching your baby's hands, there are all the germs on the shopping cart handle that he probably touches too.

SMILE and say, you may talk to my son, but I ask that you please don't touch my child. You don't need any further explanation. Just make sure that your face shows a friendly expression. I totally feel you. When my son was born, of course everyone would ask to hold him, and I would say "sure, after you wash your hands".... Don't feel bad...its your child. No one feels bad about putting their icky boogar, germ hands on him or passing along infections, etc..

OMG - you really hit a nerve with that one! I have four beautiful children (all girls) and there's something about beautiful baby girls that makes perfect strangers think it's O.K. to touch. I'm not a germaphobe, either, but when it comes to people, especially young children, touching my babies in the face or on their hands, heads, I draw the line because that's EXACTLY how diseases are transmitted (I wipe my germ-ridden nose with my hands and then put that same germ-covered hand on your baby's cheek). I usually chalk it up to ignorance, because I've had many mothers admire with their words (you know, looking without touching) and holding their small childrens's hands and admonishing them not to touch.

I actually blurted out to one older foreign woman (who clearly didn't speak English) as she reached her hand out to touch my preemie baby's face, "DON'T TOUCH!" before I could stop myself. Then I felt bad about overreacting when I saw the look on her face as she quickly recoiled. But DAMMIT!!! That is so rude. Why do I have to explain myself and apologize for perfect stranger's inappropriate behavior? It changes the way I go out in public - avoiding taking my young children shopping because I get "trapped" with them in the checkout line with whomever happens to be shopping in the store that day and no clear idea of how to prevent strangers hands from reaching out and touching....

Oh, I do feel ya!

I actually had a man lift up the blanket that was covering my son's infant carrier to get a look at him...uh, hellooooo!!

I pretty much said things like, "you know, I'm really not comfortable with people touching him, yet...being a new mom and all.." kind of semi-jokingly...or, "You've washed your hands, right?"...in a not so semi-jokingly manner.

I agree that there are certain situations when you just have to be a bit rude, however I have learned, in the past 13 mos, that I cannot protect my angel from everything/everyone...especially since he decided that the stroller's tires were a good thing to teethe on!!! YUCK. I figured, that was IT...because God knows what I've strolled through! :) lol

I would say to try to be nice/kind...people just looove babies and forget their manners sometimes...but you ARE the mommy and the "buck stops with you"...so growl on Mamma Bear, growl on and protect that cub o' yours! :)

I understand. I was much more careful with my first child, I must admit. I found that simply holding my child closer to me gave the right impression that I was not interested in them touching my precious little one. That is one of the reasons I started wearing(maya sling) my children. Another, easier way to discourage touching is to grab your childs hands yourself, physically lean in to him and oogle him yourself. I have done this a few times when the person was not getting the hint that I am both loving and protective, kindly back off. It is hard to be safe and polite sometimes. I say, go safe. Most people who might be offended will think about it later and understand.

I know what you mean. I am very outgoing as well and my son is too. He loves people and the likes to "talk" to them while we are out. It's your choice wether you want strangers to touch your son. It's not rude. They are invading someone's space(yours and your sons). That's like someone going up to you and touching your, hands or face. Like you said you're not a germafobe. Neither am I. It's just a matter of your sons personal space. My advice is be firm but polite. If they take it the wrong way well then that's thier problem. It's not your job to make everyone happy, it's your duty as a mom to keep your son safe.

Look, I am going to be very frank!!! Get over it! You and i live in a world where everyone is so freaked out about germs...The fact is, you cant stop germs and so long as you dont allow your baby to sit and suck on some ones hands and clothes just being touched by them, yes even their hands on babys cheeks, is not going to give your child a deadly sickness. And you cant be polite and tell people not to touch your baby, its not polite. I think it is odd that you feel this is such a large problem. I have 7 children ages 16 to 4 and I will tell you I am extreamly outgoing as are my children. I have never had sooooo many strangers actually touching that I had to get uncomfortable! My 4 year old will shake the hand of a stranger in the market if he or she so presents it. Ya know we are all Gods children leave the germacide details to him and allow yourself the freedom to enjoy your brothers and sisters in Crist weather you know them or not...funny thing is, do you follow the folks around that you happen to know or are you assuming that because you know them that they in fact wash hands each and everytime they should?? God Bless you and keep you...if you ever want to have a wonderful day, allow a stranger a smile because a small touch and interaction with your baby made it happen!
P.S. To those of you who are reinforcing Debbies worries, shame on you...the next time someone is rude and distant or even right out cold....think about this; maybe he os she had a mother who worried no one should touch MY baby!!!! The lesson in this is that that lowly stranger is of dirt and germs and not to be trusted! Lets all embrace eachother and face the fact that before you met and talked to your friends they too were strangers and you still dont know were they have had the hands you feel comfortable having to touch your baby!!!

I do not agree that you should have to "get over it" when a stranger comes up and touches your baby and you are not comfortable with it. Yes, there may be too many germs out there to avoid them all. However, babies put their fingers in their mouths all the time and should not have to be exposed to people who use the restroom and do not wash their hands or have colds and sneeze in their hands and then touch your babies hands and fingers ~ that is impolite.

I'm sorry, but I agree with Carol and the other posts that think this is weird... It seems like you want to put your child in a bubble. Some germs are actually GOOD for children because then they build up immunities. Obviously you don't want to let them play in the garbage or something, but being so overprotective isn't good either. My sister-in-law never lets her kids play outside because she doesn't want them to catch something, and yet they get sick very often and have weak immune systems.

To be honest, you can't say that without being rude. I don't go touch other people's children either, but if for some reason I did and they told me not to touch them, I would be offended. No matter how you say it, it's not a nice thing to say. Like someone else mentioned, just simply touching a shopping cart is probably worse than having someone's hand touch your childs face. It's really not as big of a deal as you're making it. Just chill out and enjoy that your baby is being admired!

Oh my gosh, I totally understand! I have a 2 month old and I am amazed at how complete strangers think it is okay to reach for his hands or face. I politely but firmly will steer away or block him and say "sorry, with flu season and him being so little, I don't let anyone handle him." I don't want to be mean, but this flu season is a doozy and it is not worth it to have our little ones getting sick! I also carry anti-bac wipes for cart handles and our hands. My 5 year old has even told people" you can't touch our baby unless you wash your hands." People really should know better, anyway. Good luck and stay strong!

D.-we live in a world where we've become preoccupied with germs being bad. Actually, what we've done is we've prevented kids and babies from building up their own natural immuniites. Matter of fact, there is some debate over the whole explosion in allergies as being caused by being TOO clean! (it's called the Hygiene Hypothesis) Bottom line is, most germs that are passed on aren't enough to make your child sick-there has to be enough of them to show symptoms. Plus, they can't survive as long as you might think. While it's okay to be concerned, a little dirt won't hurt. I would encourage you to let your child explore the world and enjoy the greater benefit of building curiousity, self-confidence and a stronger immune system. As for strangers touching your child, it probably won't last much longer, babies just have that natural charm and attract that kind of attention! don't worry about it-consider it a compliment that your baby is cute and approachable. good luck!

This is really hard! I don't like that either. I just keep wet-ones (antibacterial)in my daughter's diaperbag and wipe her down when the strangers leave. It is kind of passive, but I'm too afraid of offending anyone! (even though I shouldn't be...)

Wow, it's hard, isn't it? I've never had an issue with people invading any of my kiddies' personal space, and all three of them are just fine.
You'd be surprised haw many people don't wash their hands. Unfortunately, as your baby gets faster and more curious, you may be one of them.
I agree with most of the moms so far. Don't get nuts over it. Kids get sick, thats the way it is. Period. If it worries you over much, carry hand sanitizer. Make sure that the baby sees you and your step-daughters using it after you smooth it on his hands.
And Carol is right. It is a type of blessing that people want to touch him. People in town just like babies. I know that even when I'm out with my son, I look at other people's babies (I ask before I touch, though). Our culture is just odd this way. Babies are, and always will be people to be admired and commented over.

I think that its a compliment that someone wants to touch, coo, talk and adore the child.

I unfortunately agree with the fact, that this might be over reacting.

Yes germs can be a problem, but if you continually keep your baby away from germs they will never grow their immune system and when they go to school.. you will be surprised how sick they will get.

If your concerned I'd just not bring baby to the store with you. Cover with a blanket, or something. I personally think it's rude to ask a stranger to not touch your child. Especially if your child seems to thrive off the attention as my daughter did.

Even at six years old people come up and touch my daughter, and touch her curls. As long as she is ok with it, and shes around me. So be it. However if she doesnt like it or want it. Then I'd put my foot down...

I had the same problem with all 5 of my babies because they were so pretty (yes, even the 2 boys!). I never did this personally but people told me to say something like my baby hasn't been feeling well or especially this time of year with the weather change, you could say, "I don't want to be rude, but there have been viruses going around and I don't want my son to get sick." Hope that helps.