9 Yo DD Insists on Hanging Out with Neighbor Girl Who Is Mean to Her - Advice?

We had a similar experience. We had discussions on what a bully is, how to stand up for herself, and how to end a play session when her 'friend' crossed the line. We also taught her how to enjoy time spent by herself (such as reading, practicing her music, art projects). She has now found healthier relationships in the neighborhood (mostly girls tired of the bully).

I know it sounds odd, especially as your daughter has other friends and you are good about setting up play dates. As a mom of an only daughter, I too am conscious I need to set up some play dates, so I can kind of see your situation. But I've never understood the whole "play with kids in the neighborhood" thing since we have no kids her age right around us, and she does not go to the local school.

I'd advise you to get the book "Queen Bees and Wannabes" from the library. It shows how girls can get into these really dysfunctional relationships and let themselves be bullied for so many different reasons. It may not apply perfectly and the cases tend to be those of older girls, but you will find a lot in it to give you things to consider here.

I don't quite buy the "she's the only person nearby to play with" argument your daughter uses. SHE believes it sincerely, I'm sure, but since she has plenty of other activities and only one single free day each week -- she really doesn't need to play with anyone that one day; in fact I'd direct her to other activities at home because all kids need down time and alone time, and those are things they have to learn for themselves. She can't learn that if she is in a play date, activity or seeing this kid (or another neighbor) every single day. Make that one free day a day when she (after homework and chores!) can do something solo of her choosing -- paint her own nails, do a craft, write a letter, repaint an old jewelry box for her own use, etc. Get creative and encourage her to do so. Let her know this time is hers alone to do what she wants, and she does not have to say yes to anyone who wants her time just then.

She also needs to learn that real friends do not treat you like this, and you do not have to "settle" for this treatment just to have something to do one afternoon now and then. Is she in Girl Scouts? That helps build positive relationships (and if the leader is good, even girls who do not get along will learn they have to deal with each other). If not, look at the Queen Bees book for ideas about reinforcing what a real and positive friendship is like. But don't lecture her -- she may end up defending and speaking positively about the "mean" kid. Children this age will defend another child to an adult who is criticizing that child -- I know this from experience -- even if the other child is simply in the wrong or not treating them well. Don't make her defensive about this girl but do, without any reference to this girl, encourage a once-a-week special "me time" for her or a "mom and me" time at home.

If the other girl(s) call and want to play with her, she needs to know: She DOES have the option to say, "Thanks, but I can't. I'm busy." And "busy" can mean just being at home doing what she wants to do without them around.

This is hard. I have a similar situation. We have talked to ours a lot about what real friends are - they do not do things to hurt our feelings, they aren't mean to us. I know she has in turn said some of these things to the girl. The girl has been a little better and my daughter, after having her feelings hurt repeatedly, is starting to get that she's better off having her own fun than being mad sad by meanies.

I just keep talking to her about real friends and pointing out that it is behavior she shouldn't do (like you wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings by telling them they can't sit with you, so always be sure to make room or make a spot right beside, include people, etc). I "think" that's been helping because she's making very good choices on who she asks to play with....

Just keep helping your daughter to understand they are acting really badly and it's not her fault, encourage and support her.

Try to have the girls over at your place as much as possible. This way you can help guide what goes on and correct what you are seeing.

Beyond that, at some point your girl will get tired of it.

No. My dd did this too and the girl did turn people against her to the point we switched schools.
You MUST find girls the other two don't know and focus on them.
Have a playdate or go to a park filled with strangers on your off day.
You are seeing it correctly and you are wise. Don't talk to the moms.
I still get flack years later from one M.. She tells everyone how I talked to her and I was sweet, gentle, and calm.

She's 9, your the boss...either the mean girl plays at your home where YOU can keep and eye on things...OR you say NO!

This kind of behavior has always fascinated me. When I worked at the elementary school I was shocked at how many perfectly nice little girls seemed to go out of their way to play with the mean girls, it's almost like they were attracted to the drama that would inevitably ensue!
Mrs. S, Sally won't let me play with her!
Well that's not very nice, is it? How about playing with Susie and Jess, they need someone to help turn the rope.
5 minutes later, that girl is back trying to play with Sally AGAIN. Never mind that Susie and Jess are perfectly kind and sweet and willing to play.
It used to drive me crazy :(
But on the other hand, it's a good learning experience for your daughter. When these girls are excluding her and being mean, talk about WHY she wants to play with them. It may not be low self esteem, as others have suggested, she may actually be enjoying the challenge of getting them to like her, OR she may be like my youngest, who is incredibly social and does not like spending time alone (in other words an unfriendly playmate is better than none at all.)
I would try to let her work through it. I would only cut her off from them if you feel she is being bullied or tormented in some way beyond the normal mean girl stuff.

I would get my DD involved with an activity to make new friends but not force her to be out all week. I would also ask her if there are other friends she would like to play with from school, contact the parents and see about afternoon playdates. Sometimes SD's friends would take the bus home and we'd take them home after dinner or their parents would come get them. If you really don't want her playing over there every day then say no. Have you considered hosting? Does that behavior persist? A trio can be bad news, but maybe asking the nicer girl to come to your house is a way to help the situation.

I also agree to talk to her about friendship and about how it's not worth it to be bullied just to play. DD can find other things to do on the days she doesn't see a school friend.

if the other girl is being this mean and petty to your child with you right there, imagine how ugly she is to her when you are not right there.if she insists in playing with this one girl on this one day then simply tell her NO, BECAUSE THIS GIRL IS CRUEL TO YOU, you are her mother, therefore if she doesnt like it, too bad. you are not running a popularity contest, you are her mother and there is NO need for this child to put herself and you through this kind of drama, maybe this cruel girl has a older brother that your daughter has a crush on,( sounds like it might be the case) in that case, make damn certain the girl doesnt go over there WITHOUT YOU RIGHT THERE, once the cruel girl figures out that she can no longer be cruel to your daughter, she will suddenly be "too busy" for her
K. h.

On the day she is home and wants to play, I would allow her to invite one of the girls over. Just one each time, not both together. And be busy doing something near them or within earshot so you can hear the conversation and dynamic. Afterwards, ask your DD how she felt about when they talked about this or that. Did she have a good time with her guest? Would she like to invite her again next week, or choose a different friend? Or use her free day to do something else? She'll start to be more confident that she has choices. Your DD may have a personality that wants to be busy and with people all the time. She may also have a thick skin, and not be as bothered by the "mean girl" stuff. I'd be more leery sending her off to meet up with the girl or girls outside of your home. I would ask that she wait for an invitation, rather than show up on their doorstep. She may not get sought out by them, and that is a lesson in one-sided friendship if it is your DD always seeking the other girls out and not the other way around.

Sounds like your daughter is trying to get their acceptance. She needs more of a self esteem boost to help her realize she doesn't deserve to be treated that way and sometimes it's best not to be friends with girls who are like that. Poor little gal...I feel for her and been in her shoes a lot of times at her age.

I always had a love hate relationship with the kids in the neighborhood and now my kids do as well. They come in daily complaining but then are back outside playing again. I figure as long as they dont come in crying that something serious happened then it is a fight that they need to deal with and work it out themselvse, and if it doesnt bother them enough to not go outside then there is no problem. Playing with kids although its not the fun you want is better than being inside by yourself.

I'm sorry she is going through this, but I wish that you would go talk to each mother separately and telling them what is going on. Tell them that you know that 3-somes with kids this age, especially girls, can be like this, and it's just part of becoming mature. Ask the mothers if they would talk to their daughters about being nicer to your daughter.

What do you have to lose? In my mind, nothing. Either the girls will be nicer, or they won't.

Dawn

If your daughter wants to play with her, let her. She knows how the girl treats her. Obviously your daughter is only playing with her as a last resort - she's not trying to be the girl's best friend and she knows where the friendship stands. Although YOUR feelings may be getting hurt, I don't think your daughter's are.

There are two girls who are in 4th grade like my daughter who live on our street, one right next door and one about 4 houses up. The other two girls are BFF's right now, and so my daughter is left out. Like you, we are busy all the time and unlike your daughter, mine doesn't really WANT to spend too much time with these girls. I hate it because it's nice having friends close, but I don't like the family that lives 4 houses up, so I'm good with them not being friends at all.

The family I don't like is also odd, in the 4.5 years we have lived in our house, we have seen the same things happen over and over. The mom is so nosey and annoying - but comes off as super friendly at first. She makes best friends with everyone (including me at one point) and then pushes them away...if they don't run first. I ran first and then she bugged me for weeks to be friends with her still - no thanks!

So I say you just encourage your daughter to find something else to do. If she insists on playing with them, maybe role play some situations and teach her how to handle the other mean kid.

I had a friend very similar to this girl while growing up and she lived across the street. Her name was Rosemarie. I clearly liked Rose much better than she liked me, but she NEEDED me more than I needed her. I was just too young to realize it.

Here's my adult take on it. Your daughter sounds like a very strong young lady. It sounds like she can handle whatever is thrown at her by this girl, and can handle the friendship. Friendships aren't always rainbows and buttercups, and they do go through phases that aren't as pleasant as others. That doesn't mean they're toxic or bad relationships. At this age, as long as your daughter is getting something out of the friendship and isn't unhappy the majority of the time, she's learning some really valuable skills about how to handle "difficult" people. And for all you know, she could really be forging a very meaningful friendship of the future if she chooses to tolerate some immature behavior now.

I doubt that this girl is "all mean all the time." I can't imagine that your daughter would tolerate that at all even if she were the only girl in a ten mile radius apart from school.