Little Mean Girls

When my son was bullied by a neighbor, I walked my son over and talked to the boy and my son about being nice. I hugged the boy and said that I wanted him and my son to be friends. (His mom was present). I think she was shocked with how I handled it.

I hated it, but there were few boys in the neighborhood and I knew my son wanted his friendship... Ugh!

Honestly, so long as it isn't violent the best course of action is no action. They have to learn for themselves what they are going to find acceptable, and what they aren't. They have to figure out what their boundaries are.

I also had a people pleaser daughter, to some extent she still is, but about 3rd 4th grade she did start to put up roadblocks where friendships were concerned. I could talk until I was blue in the face, role play till the cows came home and read as many books as I wanted and the only thing that worked was time and maturity.

My daughter was the same as yours until about third grade. Then something just clicked. She was able to recognize who was nice, and who was a real friend and stopped trying to get in with the mean girls.

Just keep talking to her. Try role playing with you being the part of the mean girls, then switch roles so she can learn some things to say back to them when they're mean.

You can curtail the playdates at this girl's house if you want. Tell your daughter that you don't like the way the girl treats her, and that you hope she will start being nicer so that they can become friends once again.

When you say that the girl is mean what is she saying or doing? Could it be that your daughter just doesn't feel that her friend is being mean? Often, I've noticed, that what seems mean to me in the way of words or tone of voice is accepted by children as not being mean. Kids don't have the same refined sense of what is appropriate and what is not.

Also, I've seen kids say someone else was mean to them when they were mad at that kid when in reality the kid was not mean. I witnessed the exchange and knew that the kid was projecting their own anger onto the other kid. There are many ups and downs in friendships at this age.

Unless this girl is actually physically or emotionally hurting your daughter, I'd let her figure it out for herself. You've talked with her about friendships.

I completely hear your argument and why you feel you should protect her. But there are mean people all over this world. If you shelter her from this person, she may not learn how to deal with people in general who treat her this way. What you can do is talk to her, give her tools to help herself to stick up to the mean girl. Also you can do roleplays and tell her that she can call you ANYTIME and you will come pick her up no questions asked if she is uncomfortable. I think it is better to let her figure out how to deal with this girl as long as there is nothing physically violent going on. Best wishes.

I agree with the others and I think it depends on what you define as mean. My daughter has had many friends over the years that I would describe as bossy or pushy or mean but not hateful. 2nd and 3rd grade seemed to be the worst for her and eventually she learned that the friends that were worth playing with were the ones that were not always super kind to her. We have talked about having hot-cold friends (friends that are mean sometimes and nice other times) and how you don't have to be someone's friend but you do need to be friendly (and polite). It is still a tough road and I have posted about it here but I'd say maturity has been helping her recognize who her true friends are.

What has this little girl done that is "mean" to your daughter? If you haven't witnessed it, then you're just seeing your daughter's point of view.

My daughter will often tell me how the other kids are "mean" to her. But when you find out what REALLY happened, it's usually a combination of both kids.

I would invite the little girl over and observe the friendship for yourself. Afterward, you can talk to your daughter about some of the things that happened. Then you have solid examples.

If your daughter is still wanting to play, then I'm thinking that maybe the "mean" parts are a combination of both girls. You're just hearing one side of the story.

I agree with the others who say that (unless violent) your child needs to find out for herself. If you start saying "I don't want you to hang out with this child" then she will just want to hang out with that girl more etc. Just make sure that your child knows that she doesn't have to be friends with this person and that if this person hurts her in any way, that she needs to talk to you about it. Also make sure your DD doesn't start being rude and keep teaching her that it's always best to be nice to people.

My daughter at that age was told by older kids that she had to get off the swing, and other such beginning bullying. We practiced what she should say.
But I would also invite her to your house an observe for yourself from another room perhaps to let the real play come out.

I agree with others that there are mean people in the world and you have to let/help your daughter find her own way and decide not play with this girl. If you stop the play dates you don't allow her to learn how to stand up for herself and figure out the lesson. It's good that she talks to you about what goes on so you can guide her through it and ask questions that can help her figure out how she could handle a situation better and begin to question herself about why she wants to be friends with someone who doesn't always treat hr like a friend and takes advantage of her.

I bought my daughter an American Girl book called Stand Up for Yourself & Your Friends. It was a good book for us to read together and be able to open other conversations about how to deal with situations like bullying and other relationships.

The bottom line is, if you want to KNOW what is going on, you have to witness it yourself and/or be there too, yourself... so you can see and hear what is going on, and how that other girl is treating your daughter.

Some kids do not have discernment ability.
Thus, even "nice" kids can have really noxious friends or want to hang out with kids like that, because they seem cool or popular.

But still, you keep talking to your child, about friends/choosing/life/and how not to be a door-mat and how to speak up.

If your daughter wants to go, let her. Obviously it's worth it to her. Don't overprotect.

Role play with her how to stand up for herself, if she needs it.