Why the Road to Hell Is Paved with M&Ms

Before having kids, I vowed to never be the mom who bribed her kids to do the things they should be expected to do.

After becoming a mom, I promptly abandoned this position and am now a full year into offering my daughter a daily prize for not getting out of bed before 7 a.m. (Am I embarrassed? Yes. Do I regret the luxury of sleeping in until just after sunrise? Not even for a second). Recently however, I ran across a theory called the “Overjustification Hypothesis” that made me rethink my approach.

Basically, psychologists took 51 children who enjoyed drawing and divided them into three groups for a study. The first was told that they would be rewarded for drawing, the second was given a surprise reward after drawing, and the third group was the control who drew without getting a prize. In the weeks subsequent to the study, the first group drew substantially less than the control while the second drew marginally more. The researchers theorized that rewarding children for doing things they would have done anyway made it feel more like work than play. Moreover, the kids might even hold off on the activity going forward unless they’re explicitly promised a payment for doing so.

This experiment was something of a revelation and made me second guess my quick-to-bribe habits (admittedly, the mantra of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” comes to mind).

The problem for me is knowing when to draw the line between behavior that should be rewarded and behavior that should be expected (especially since this line shifts as my daughter ages). When I potty trained my daughter at 22 months, giving her an M&M for pooping on the potty seemed appropriate – but now she has long since mastered the skill and continues to request her “pooping chocolate” (I know the imagery is disturbing). My dog, now seven and an even more skilled negotiator than my three year old, still gets a treat for going in the yard.

Obviously I struggle with this.

Assuming that it’s not too late and I haven’t already ruined my daughter, I’ve been trying to figure out a better model to use. The first idea is prompted by the study itself. Group number two received the reward as a surprise treat after the fact. Those kids actually performed the behavior more frequently in later weeks than the control group. The pessimist in me thinks that those kids were just secretly hoping for a post-activity reward each time from then on. The realist in me wonders why that’s such a bad thing, especially if the alternative is potential joy-dimming bribery.

There are other good options as well.

One that I’m starting to feel better about using is what I call the Meaningful Conversation.

I sit or crouch down to her level to make eye contact and explain why I want her to do something. While she definitely understands me, I get mixed results in the obedience department (even more frustrating is when I see her pretending to crack down on her stuffed animals for breaking the same rules). However, it’s good practice for me as I attempt to treat her less like the baby she was and more like the person she’s becoming.

I also try harder to lead by example.

I spent more time than I like to admit describing and showing her how to pee on the potty last year. Despite our success in that venture (we’ll ignore the recently created stain on my mother-in-law’s formerly pristine couch for the purpose of this example), I’m generally guilty of telling instead of showing. Recently, I’ve made a conscious effort to model more, especially on little skills like how to hold a pencil or how to kick with straight legs in the pool. My daughter spends a lot of time trying to mimic my behavior anyway (especially if she can wear my shoes while doing it), so I might as well maximize my value by showing her the things I want her to do.

Last, but not least, I try to show her how happy I am when she’s being good.

It doesn’t have to be verbal; a smile or a quick hug go a long way. However, I’m careful not to make it an expected reward (since that would defeat the whole purpose). I give her hugs and smiles all the time, but I suspect she senses when they’re more heartfelt and backed by more than a little pride. Since we both want each other to be happy, I think it works quite well to motivate her in a healthy way (which isn’t to say that the M&Ms don’t have their place in my bag of tricks).


Marylynne is a mom, wife, newly minted entrepreneur, recovering attorney and community enthusiast. She is currently building a website to help Chicago parents find full semesters or single day sessions of classes for their babies, toddlers, and children to attend. On top of all that, she blogs to share her parental musings and insider tips for making the most of (aka surviving) kid-centric things to do in Chicago on ClassCrasher. You can also follow Marylynne on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest