Why "The Leprechaun" Won't Be Allowed in Our House

My kid came home from school and asked me if “The Leprechaun” was going to come to our house and bring him chocolate coins. Really? That’s a thing now?

I asked the Oracle – okay, I killed exactly seven hours on Pinterest – and yes, it appears “The Leprechaun” coming to your house is indeed “a thing.” Here are some suggested “fun activities” you can plan for your small humans to celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day… how these activities relate to a priest converting pagans to Christianity in Ireland is completely beyond me.

“Use a few drops of green food coloring to color the toilet water.”

One Pinterest-er said this would be a “fun surprise” for kids to find in the bathroom on St. Paddy’s Day morning. Fake green pee doesn’t really meet my “fun surprise” threshold. And hello? I live in a house with three males… only one of them hits the toilet with any regularity. Cleaning up extra, green-tinted pee? I don’t think that fits into my idea of celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day.

“Let the kids think leprechauns were there by turning everything upside down in their rooms and in the house. Put things in odd places. Turn pictures upside down, maybe even rearrange the furniture a little bit.”

Oh that sounds dreamy. I love my downtime after the kids go to bed like a fat kid loves cake. The last thing I want to do is interrupt wine-thirty to go around my house moving furniture in such a way as not to wake my slumbering angels. Would my kids laugh and chortle over some overturned chairs and some upside down pictures? Maybe. But I’m getting Poltergeist flashback heebie jeebies just thinking about it. And again… who’s gonna clean that crap up? A tiny little leprechaun cleaning crew? I think not.

“Toss green sprinkles all over the breakfast table, on their food and maybe some other fun places around the house.”

Whoever that bitch is, she has lost her mind. First of all the most important meal of the day does not include sprinkles, at least not at my house. And second, what exactly, is defined as “other fun places around the house?” Between the couch cushions? Under the bathroom sink? Besides the “ew, ants” factor, who the heck wants to be finding little green sprinkles on Labor Day? Not this mom.

“Have the kids create a Leprechaun Trap. We all know those little leprechauns can create a lot of mischief so maybe it’s best to set a few traps and see if they can catch one. Let the kids get creative making their trap using any kind of materials you may have around the house. Add gold glitter to attract the Leprechauns – Leprechaun’s love shiny stuff.”

So much wrong with this. First of all, crafts. Second of all, crafts with glitter. I’m a firm believer that glitter is dust of Satan, so I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who thinks glitter and little kids are a good combo. And setting a trap for a little Irish dude who might be stealthily sneaking through the house searching for the end of the rainbow (or maybe just some magically delicious cereal) just seems a little creeptastic to me.

Seriously, people. I don’t have room in my life for The Leprechaun. We have Santa. We have the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy and if we didn’t live in Texas, my kids would probably believe in Jack Frost. We even do the whole Elf on the Shelf thing. Do I really need to add another mythical creature to the lineup? Between Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, I’m going to have enough ‘splaining to do when my kids get older.

If I say yes to The Leprechaun, and letting my kids celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day in our home, what’s next? Is the ghost of George Washington going to come visit our house on President’s Day and leave us little tiny cherry trees? That sounds just like the shit that the Pinterest-crazed “I have so much time to craft” mamas might have in their arsenal. I cannot tell a lie… this weirds me out, ya’ll.

I have no beef against celebrating Saint Patrick’s Day. I’m down with green construction paper shamrocks, kissing people because they’re Irish (hey, I’m a hugger) and green beer, or pretty much any celebratory stuff that happens in a bar, lets be real. I’m gonna stop the madness right now and say “move on, Leprechaun. I hope you find something magically delicious at the end of the rainbow, but it’s not at our house.”

Jill Robbins writes about adoption, motherhood and midlife on her blog, Ripped Jeans & Bifocals. She has a degree in social psychology that she uses to try and make sense out of the behavior of her husband and three children but it hasn’t really helped so far. She enjoys dry humor and has a love/hate relationship with running. Her work has been featured on Babble, Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and Blunt Moms. You can also find her in the December print issue of Mamalode. She willingly answers any questions that end with “and would you like wine with that?” You can follow Jill on Facebook and Twitter