Why I Let My Kids Win

Whether we find it particularly enjoyable or not, part of being a parent is playing games with our kids. Candyland is only the beginning. Right now in our house, every surface is covered in Pokemon cards. I’m telling you, these things must multiply while we sleep. The more you clean them up, the more you find in every corner.

In Pokemon, each player has a deck of cards with different characters and they battle until one player defeats the other. I had a hunch that I would earn major cool mom points if I had my own deck of Pokemon cards, so during one of my almost daily Target runs I picked one up. I was right. Coolest mom, immediately.

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Image: Erica Roth

The game employs quite a bit of strategy and planning ahead, things my eight year old daughter is just starting to get the hang of and that are still pretty hard for my five year old son. He knows what to do with the card in front of him, but he hasn’t quite grasped the planning ahead part. When I play with him, I usually play my cards or bend the rules in a way to let him win, and he’s happy and proud.

Some of you might ask, “Doesn’t he need to learn to lose? Doesn’t he need to learn to be a good sport?”

Letting your kids win is breaking all sorts of rules and if you do it they will transform into whiny little brats who think everything should be handed to them in life, right?

In my opinion, WRONG.

He’s five. He is going to lose a whole lot in life. One day he might walk into a gym and line up with the other boys, hoping desperately to make the team. He might emerge hiding tears of disappointment. Maybe he will study hard for a test, giving it everything he has, and still not do well. There is the chance for disappointment around every corner. When that happens, I will be by his side to help him. I will look into his eyes and assure him that he did his best and that that’s what matters. I will remind him that when he wins, it feels good, and that he can be sad about what he didn’t achieve and still be happy for those who did. I will tell him he can practice and do better next time, and then I will help him practice.

He will develop a strong character and he will learn to be a good sport naturally through life’s lessons.

Childhood is hard. Our little people are thrust into the big world and it is up to them to learn how to navigate it with strength and, hopefully, grace. They play sports and are involved in competition much earlier than I ever was. If you want to make varsity, you’d better be starting when you’re five. Forget playing more than one sport, you have to practice your chosen sport year round to be good enough. In school, it seems like there is a new standardized test every year. You are identified by your score and tucked neatly into a category. In the eyes of many, your worth is defined by your accomplishments, and all of this begins at an age when a child’s sense of self is still developing. As parents, it is up to us to be sure our kids know that how they perform on a test or how many points they score in the game does not define them or their worth.

I want my kids to discover their self worth in the important things, like being a good friend, being honest and true to themselves, and in being a hard worker.

I don’t believe in “toughening up” our kids. Life does a good enough job of that without our help. My job is to preserve the soft edges, the roundness. To provide a safe place for my kids so they, in turn, know how to be a safe place for others. To let them know that it’s ok to let their guard down and be themselves and that that is enough.

So for now, I’m going to let those big blue eyes look up at me and sparkle with pride when he wins. I’m going to let his pure innocence shine through when he is so proud of himself. I’m going to be the person with whom he can jump up and down and cheer for himself and not be bragging. I’m going to let him feel strong and confident. I’m going to make things easy for him while I still can, because that won’t be something I can do forever


Erica Roth is a stay at home mom of 4 who blogs about life, parenting, and raising a child with Down syndrome on her blog Ponytail Mama. You can also follow Erica on Facebook.