When You Stay After He Cheats
You never thought you’d be “one of those women” who’d stay with their husband after he’d had an affair. Hell, you never thought you’d be “one of those women” whose husband would ever have an affair.
I said the same things, but like you, I was wrong.
We waited to tie-the-knot. We’d been together for seven years and had four children before we walked down the aisle. And after only 23 months of marriage, my husband broke our vows and betrayed me in a way I’d never imagined by having an affair with a co-worker.
I was hurt, betrayed, and beyond pissed. But I knew I couldn’t just throw away seven years and the family we’d made. My marriage meant more to me than that, even though my husband had an affair.
My husband hated himself for what he’d done, as most men do. They realize how much they put on the line and that there’s a very real chance they could lose everything they’ve ever wanted over a woman who really didn’t mean anything to them.
Just because I had valid reasons for giving my husband and my marriage another shot, and just because my husband was genuinely sorry for everything he’d done, doesn’t mean it’s been an easy road.
If you decide that you want to stay with your husband after the betrayal of an affair, there are a few things you have to be ready to deal with if you really want your marriage to make it.
+Your sadness:+ Even if you’re like me, who didn’t feel immediate sadness, only anger, you’re only fooling yourself if you think you’ll never be sad about the affair. It took a month for my sadness to set in, but when it did, I just about lost it. I’d never been so depressed in my life. After talking through my feelings with my husband and some select friends and family, I was able to pull myself out of the deep depression. I still feel some occasional sadness, even three months later. It might not be so easy for other people, especially if you suffer from depression.
A lack of trust: I’d be lying if I said I’ve begun to trust my husband again. He threw away seven years of trust and it’s not going to rebuild itself in three months. Trusting your husband, even with the smallest of things after an affair, is going to take time and a lot of effort on your husband’s part. You’ll hate feeling like you can’t trust the only person, who before, you would have trusted with your life.
Keeping pettiness to a minimum: When you’re depressed, angry and beyond betrayed because of your husband’s affair, it’s second nature to want to throw it in his face every chance you get. I know this from experience. Every girl who even semi-resembled his co-worker, every half-naked girl on TV, every time he told me he loved me, I’d find a way to throw the affair in his face. It didn’t make things better between us. In fact, it only pushed us farther apart. Acting petty only causes your husband and yourself more pain. Constantly bringing it up isn’t going to help you move past it, and it certainly isn’t going to help you improve your marriage if you can’t get past the affair.
Be ready to love: Being loving is probably the last thing you’ll want to do during the first few days or weeks after finding out about the affair, but it’s one of the most important things you can do if you want to bring your marriage back to a healthy state. Your husband messed up big time, but there’s obviously still a lot of love between you if you’re both willing to work through all of the harsh emotions that an affair can bring about. Show your husband that you love him, show him that your marriage is something that really does mean a lot to you. Show him that you’re willing to put in the extra effort if he is. Do and say things that will be beneficial to the your recovering marriage.
As long as both you and your husband are fully committed to making your marriage work, it will. It will take time, patience, and a lot of hard work, but it is definitely possible if you both put your heart, soul and mind into it.
It has been three months since my husband’s affair. We’re still having hard times every now and then. Sometimes I break down, sometimes I lose it, but most times, things are really good. Our love is stronger, we are both more open with each other, and our future together is looking brighter each and every day.
_Ashley is a wife and mother of 4. She’s always loved to write and when she became a SAHM, she knew this was her chance. She loves to talk about marriage, parenting, fitness and food on her blog, Modern Manic Mommy. You can also find her on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter), and Pinterest.
