When You Have C-Section Sadness

I have a scar on my left wrist I received when I was a little girl. I got it sliding down an icy hill in winter. I was on a blow-up inner tube sledding down a hill and I hit a bump, went flying in the air, and slid on the ground. It wasn’t a soft snow. It was icy, hard and slippery. Somehow I managed to scrape my wrist and years later I have this scar to remind me. There’s also a scar above my right eyebrow where I had my eyebrow pierced in my early twenties. Then, there is the scar that only I can see. I see it every day. It is my scar from my two cesarean sections.

I always enjoyed hearing other women’s birth stories while I was pregnant. It intrigued to me to hear other women’s experiences because I wondered how mine would be, and I was anxious to experience my own story.

Labor with my first son Chase was a crazy ride, my own personal roller coaster. I labored for 17 hours before I was whisked away to the operating room for my emergency c-section. I was not prepared for any of it but Chase’s heart rate was continuing to drop, and they needed to get him out fast.

It was traumatic. The minutes before my partner, Jason, joined me in the operating room felt like hours. I felt like I was in my own personal nightmare. There were nurses scurrying around, bright lights shining down on me, and I could hear the doctors talking in tongues I did not understand. I wasn’t supposed to be lying on this operating table. I was supposed to be in that tub birthing my baby the way I envisioned him to come. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to happen.

I cried throughout surgery. Eventually, Jason was brought to be by my side. He was strong for me, and I admired him for this. He watched the entire time so he could see our son when they pulled him out. Every second waiting for him was an eternity. I wondered if he was going to be okay. I needed to see my son.

Then, there he was. Chase was born at 10:48am on a cold January morning. He was stable and healthy when they assessed him. But this wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. He just had other plans for his entrance into the world.

It was difficult for me that I had to have a c-section. I cried for weeks. It was as though something truly valuable had been stolen. I would never get it back. People around me kept reminding me of the fact that I had a healthy baby, and that is what mattered. I agreed with that. I knew how fortunate I was to have this amazing, beautiful, healthy creature to call my own. I knew some women never get to hold their babies in their arms. Others never get to have a child at all. For this, I am blessed. I knew it then, I know it now.

But I was still sad because this was not how I wanted this momentous occassion to be; marked by fear.

I wanted to say how beautiful it was. How amazing that first moment was when I saw my child. Instead, it was one of the scariest things I had been through. My first moments were spent lying on my back feeling so drugged from my epidural that I was afraid to hold my own baby because I didn’t have the strength.

When I was pregnant with my second, Wesley, I was passionate about having a Vaginal Birth after Cesarean (VBAC). My doctors and midwives told me that since it was my baby that wasn’t tolerating the labor, and nothing to do with me, that we could try for a VBAC. I was very supported. I had a wonderful pregnancy with Wesley. I even ran throughout my pregnancy. I felt amazing in a way I had not while pregnant with Chase.

Then it was time for Wesley to come. It wasn’t easy anymore! I started laboring but my body was not making process. We ended up doing an ultrasound and finding out he had flipped, he was now facing upward; “sunny side up." I had the option to go straight to c-section or continue on. I was determined to have a VBAC. I would wait agonizing hours to have him come the beautiful way I planned.

As many of you know, you cannot plan these things! Almost identical to Chase, Wesley could not tolerate labor. Once again, I was wheeled into that same operating room where I had Chase. At 6:45pm on a Wednesday evening, during a red sunset sky, Wesley made his arrival via c-section. Just like his brother.

We are done having children. There will be no more labors. I will be honest, over a year later I still harbor this sadness that I had another c section. Just the other day I read a birth story that was how I envisioned mine to be and I cried. Tears burned my cheeks. I envied this woman. I can’t change my stories and the scar I bear will always be with me. It is mine. Maybe someday I will be able to look at it and not feel the sting left behind. In moments when I feel the sadness I look at my two boys and feel overwhelmed by love and joy. There is no other choice.

I am the mother of two amazing creatures, my boys. I am a SAHM, and also work part-time as a Veterinary Technician. I am the creator of the blog, Discovering Me In Them. I am addicted to running, love taking pictures, and enjoy good food, beer and wine. You can also find me on Facebook.