What Mom Wants for Christmas

I usually leave the Christmas lists to those in this house under the age of 11, but this year I decided that it was my turn to make a list. Farmer Bob is always complaining about how he never knows what to get me, and the kids aren’t big enough to shop on their own, so here is my attempt to make their lives a little easier. Some of these are not “traditional” gifts per se, but as Cousin Eddie would say, “The gift that keeps on giving the whole year.”

So, to continue my current streak of making lists, here is my list of gifts that would make my Christmas a little brighter:

1. Flush the toilet. Seems like a simple enough gift. When you little people are finished dropping your kids off at the pool, please use the handle and send them into the septic tank to play with their friends. No one likes to swim alone, and I am tired of being greeted by your floaters when I attempt to use the facilities. Send them babies down the inside water slide and save my eyes (and my stomach) from walking into that nightmare.

1. Turn your laundry right side out. You already know how much I despise doing laundry. Would it kill you to separate your underwear from your pants and turn those nasty socks right side out? I do not enjoy witnessing your inability to properly wipe, smelling your sweaty feet or being pelted in the face with sand when I turn those socks the way they should be. If you would just take them off in the proper way, we could avoid all these problems and I would be a much happier momma. Not as happy as I would be if I never had to do laundry again, but happier, nonetheless.

1. Pick up your crap and put it away. I honestly don’t think I should have to ask for this, but judging by the little piles of random crap all over the house, I guess I do. No, placing your pile on the steps and leaving it there is not considered picking it up. Kicking off your shoes and leaving them in the middle of the floor is not quite what I had planned when we installed those handy dandy shoeboxes by the door. When I say put it away, I really do mean put away in it’s proper spot. This is not rocket science here.

1. Clean up your own pee. This one is a special request for my boys. Since you feel the need to mark your own territory around the toilet like a stray dog, maybe you should be forced to pee outside. At all times. Regardless of the temperature. This really is a simple concept. If you can’t make it in the pot, clean it up. Your pee stinks and it makes me gag when I have to soak it up off the floor.

1. Change the damn toilet paper roll. I am starting to see that I have a lot of pent up anger about things that happen in the bathroom. Maybe I am spending a tad too much time in there? Can I help it that it is the only room in the house where I, with the help of door locks, can have a couple of moments to myself? Would it kill you to take off the old roll and replace it with a new one so that when I get up in the middle of the night to pee, I have some paper to wipe myself with? Fumbling for a new roll when you are only half awake in the dark is unnecessary and just plain mean.

1. Listen to me and perform a task the first time I ask. Oh, this one would be the gift of all gifts. If I were to receive this, I would consider this Christmas to be the best ever! Gone would be the days of blank stares and eye rolls, and begin the days of smiles and happiness. This gift would not just be the gift that keeps on giving all year long for me, but just think how great it would be for you as well! No more repetitive asking. No more raised voices. No more moments of rage when it is time to walk out the door and you all are still sitting on the couch with no shoes on. Just imagine the time we would save arguing over what shirt you should wear or the fact that you still need to brush your teeth.

1. Please learn the proper use of the trash receptacles. For crying out loud, if it doesn’t fit in the damn trashcan, don’t just set it on top. I am fairly certain that you will not die if you have to walk across the house in order to place your trash in the properly sized receptacle. I do not enjoy attempting to make things fit into either a can that is too small, or one that is too full. It usually leads to a mess that I have the time, nor desire, to clean up. This, in turn, leads to a rise in my blood pressure. Please just use those little brains that are inside your head! If it doesn’t fit, use a bigger can.

1. A good digital camera and an iPad. Don’t think of them as frivolous gifts, Farmer Bob, think of it as a business investment (tax write-off?), as well as a time and money saver. Not only could I use the camera to take my own pictures of the little people, but think of the awesome pictures I could take for the blog I could write on the iPad. You know, to take it to the next level. What level could that be? I really don’t have a damn clue, but you never know where my brain will go. And no, I am not making any references to my stalking (Johnny Depp) skills, but since you brought it up…

1. If all else fails, you can just give me Johnny Depp. I have invited him, I have stalked made the effort to cross paths with him, with no success. I know he is a busy guy and here I am, just a mom with a blog, but I refuse to give up the dream that someday, something will happen and I will have my moment. By moment, you know I do not mean alone in a room with a bed, I mean alone in a room with a bottle of wine and hours of conversation. Honestly, a bow would be totally optional and completely unnecessary with this gift.

1. If you feel that all my requests are just a tad over the top and a bit unreasonable, just buy me a membership to the wine of the day club. Yes, I said wine of the day. Wine of the month just wouldn’t cut it.

There you go, all my Christmas wishes listed in one magical place. As much as I would love to unwrap all of these lovely gift ideas on December 25, even if only one or two came true I would be one happy little mama. It isn’t the quantity of gifts that matter, quality is what I’m looking for. Gifts that would truly keep on giving…all year long.

Tara is a work-from-home mother of 5 young children, currently between the ages of 10 and 2. Be sure to visit her blog, You Know It Happens At Your House Too.