Tips for Bonding With Your Teen
Virginia Satir, family therapy pioneer, said, “Adolescents are not monsters. They are just people trying to learn how to make it among the adults in the world, who are probably not so sure themselves.” Thomas S. Monson, author of Pathways to Perfections: Discourses of Thomas S. Monson, took it a step farther: Some are young people who don’t know who they are, what they can be or even want to be. They are afraid, but they don’t know of what. They are angry, but they don’t know at whom. They are rejected and they don’t know why. All they want is to be somebody." As parents, you know part of your job is to help them find the path to being somebody, but the moods of teens, as they struggle to become independent, can make building a relationship with them tough. Use these tips to bond with your teens while also modeling skills for their future relationships.
Set Boundaries for Appropriate Relationships
It may seem counter-intuitive when you’re trying to build a close bond with your teens, but don’t share everything with them. As they stretch their independence and freedom, teens need to know there is safety in their lives. Oversharing personal, intimate details or making them your confidante is too much, too overwhelming for the emotional level of an adolescent. Sarah Tippet, 20-year homeschool mom and counselor suggests, “Remember the old saying, ‘Friends don’t let friends drive drunk?’ This is the type of relationship you need to be fostering.” She advocates a responsible friendship.
Know When to Listen and When to Talk
Steve Hessler, author of The Missing Link: Teaching and Learning Critical Success Skills, sums it up. “The more you talk, the less they hear,” he points out. Teens need a non-judgmental listener; when they open up to you, just listen: don’t give advice, don’t judge their logic or choices, don’t refocus the conversation to your own perspective. Ask the reasons for their decisions, but make sure your tone of voice and body language say, “I want to know” and not “What on earth were you thinking?” And if your teen seems to be brooding and silent? Wait. Just wait. When she’s ready, she’ll fill that silence. Prompt a conversation with a question about her day, but don’t pressure her to talk.
On the other hand, Hessler also suggests, “There are times to have discussions and there are times to cut the chatter.” Teens need protected opportunities to explore the power to make their own choices, but there are still times when you, as the adult, need to limit those choices without protracted discussions. In those cases, focus on the goal, not the path to reaching it, advises psychotherapist Pablo Guerrero. For example, if your goal is your teen completing his homework, don’t lecture on the importance of doing so. Provide choices about when or where he gets it done, and then live with those choices. Express it as “You can get it done as soon as you get home, or you can wait until dinner and an hour of television (or social media or games) are finished. You can work at the kitchen table, at a desk in the family room, or in your bedroom.” Make it clear that the if isn’t under negotiation, but give your teen choices on the how.
Join in Your Teen’s Interests
Often, parents plan all sorts of activities to encourage family engagement, and then they’re disappointed (maybe even angry) when teens don’t respond. Instead of basing plans on your interests or on what you think teens might (or should) like, look at what they’re already interested in and doing, then join them where they are. Is your daughter fascinated with fashion? Let her do a makeover for you; start with shopping for an outfit she thinks you should wear, and then let her do your makeup or manicure. Sit and watch your teen playing video games; ask questions about them, and then ask to join in for a round or two.
Music is another easy “in” to your teen’s interests. Listen with them, even if you hate the style. Ask what they like about the style — again, not in that “what could you possibly find good in this stuff” way. Talk about their favorite artists or songs and what appeals to them about the groups.
And don’t force it; start slow and build on the foundation of an hour together rather than jumping into a weekend away from home. Set aside a monthly time to spend together doing whatever your teen chooses. Be flexible, though; if there’s a school or social event your teen wants to attend, reschedule your “date night.”
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are,” according to e.e. cummings. With these tips, you can give your teen the support she needs to find that courage.
Pam Martin has been writing professionally since the early 1980s, on a wide variety of topics. She brings 20 years of classroom teaching and tutoring experience to the party, including early elementary classes and courses in writing, reading and literature, history, geography and government at middle and high schools. She is also accomplished in crafting and in writing about projects, including her blogs, Roots and Wings From the Village, The Corner Classroom, and Sassy Scribbler, which encompass crafting, cooking, lesson plans, and professional writing advice.
