The Turkey Day Clusterfluck
In my humble mom-opinion, the Birdzilla holiday is definitely the King pin of all holiday clusterFLUCKS.
It all starts with the grocery store clusterfluck; the mass of non-regular customers leisurely strolling the aisles with the entire maternal side of their family. Shopping is for active participants only. Spectators are not welcome in the arena… they have no purpose other than to create a clusterfluck in aisle three.
On the other end of the spectrum is the daddy-deer-in-headlights; the lost looking male sent to the front lines to retrieve forgotten items. These guys are like a stubborn hair clog in the bathroom sink… they won’t budge. We’ll call them “Solitary Clusterflucks.”
Note – During non-holiday shopping trips I have compassion for these pitiful creatures, but unfortunately, it’s the holiday season, and the only rule of shopping during the holidays is get in and get out… like your life depends on it.
You encounter the “Extra Person Clusterfluck” as soon as you enter the check-out area. How many people does it take to swipe a debit card? The answer is ONE, meaning all inactive shopping companions should kindly buzz off.
Finally, having completed your shopping mission, you push the heavy, overflowing shopping cart with-the-one-bad-wheel to the outermost border of the parking lot where you were forced to retreat. This is appropriately termed the “Parking-In-BFE Clusterfluck.”
Also, the more traffic flowing through the parking lot, the more likely some inattentive holiday jackass-in-a-box will pop out in front of your car and end up as a hood decoration. Live hood decorations are right up there with Rudolph’s antlers tacked to your mirror and/or Santa’s testicles dangling from your muffler.
This is called the “Tacky Car Accessories Clusterfluck.”
Finally, you slide into home base, but when you attempt to unload your gargantuan grocery order, there’s nowhere to put it all because of the “Kitchen Counter Clusterfluck” and the “Refrigerator Clusterfluck.”
You saw that one coming, didn’t you?
When food prep commences, the “Overflowing Dirty-Dishes Clusterfluck” is immediately created, and will regenerate for another 48-72 hours, making it the BIGGEST CLUSTERFLUCK of all. I despise washing dishes. I’m a huge fan of serving left-overs on paper plates, which incidentally causes a “Trash Can Clusterfluck”, but what are you gonna do?
We’re picking our battles here.
Other painful holiday clusterflucks include the obvious dinner table fiasco, where you attempt to squeeze 15 people around an 8 seater table. “No fair… I want to sit near Suzy Lou Hoo!” This is called “The Intimate-Encounter Clusterfluck” and also the reason I bought the big bottle of vodka.
Then there’s the dreaded “People Who Don’t Belong in the Kitchen Clusterfluck,” which is why I leave a bag of unpeeled potatoes on the table. Everyone knows as soon as guests arrive, they immediately invade your sanctuary and try to be helpful.
“Grab a potato peeler. We’ve got a clusterfluck and a half of potatoes to peel,” says me.
To clear up any confusion, the tryptophan-laden turkey not only makes you sleepy, it can give you a strong urge to dive off the roof of Macy’s during the Thanksgiving Day parade – right into Underdog’s inflatable ass, which would be affectionately termed the “Constipated Balloon Character Clusterfluck.”
And no, you will not catch me out and about on Black Friday. That’s an entirely separate clusterfluck in itself, worthy of it’s very own holiday book-of-rants.
Stick a hot fork in me.
This pilgrim is done… at least until the “Christmas-Time Clusterfluck” begins.
Gina is an obstetrical RN, blogger, wife and matriarch extraordinaire to four challenging young adults. She’s an active advocate for ADHD, Autistic Spectrum Disorders and Depression. She writes the over-the-top humor blog Extreme Mom for sanity preservation and her own entertainment. She lives in Upstate N.Y. with her family, two dogs and ThatGoddamnedCat. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.
